To have told DH is neglecting DD.

[Vivi00]

This is a vent : I've been at work today 12.5 hour shift , I don't work every weekend but sometimes. I left home at 6:45 and returned at 20.30. DD is 9 , first off the house was a complete shit tip. DH has taken her out for a meal and was sat playing videogames. I came home DD had not done her maths and English homework so I helped her. Her uniform wasn't sorted and swimming stuff for tomorrow. He hasn't put the bins out or cleaned the cats bowl! These are jobs that we have always done on Sundays.. To top it off he hadn't prompted her to do peak flow as she's being assessed for asthma. The supermarket delivery came and I ended up putting most of it away and preparing her packed lunch for tomorrow.

I basically hit the roof and told him he's neglecting her , she's not a baby just basic prompting is all that's needed. He said he had sorted out the garden and I said what's the fucking priority the garden or your child. He then said what's there to be stressed about , you are just being moody. I feel like I need to think for everyone even after a really long day.

Do I need to write a fucking list of what needs to be done? Who can be that stupid 😡😡

I must have missed both bits. Where did the op say her DD was doing the garden or playing video games? I read it as dh did them.

OP - you have a lazy, selfish and ignorant man. If this is usual for him then you really need to start thinking if you can continue to live like this for the next ten, twenty, thirty years.

That’s really useless and shit of him.

I agree with pps, it sounds like he thinks parenting is your job, and he’s just babysitting her until you get back. Just doing the literal minimum of making sure she gets through the time fed and unharmed.

And that’s even before the fact that nothing has happened in the house to move things forward get ready for the week. Totally unreasonable.

Exh used to “do babysitting” ( as I called it when we were together and he’d pull something like this). I’d go out for part of the evening and he wouldn’t move things forward at all - they’d be no bedtime routine gone through, just the child kept alive.

Equallt, it’s taken me ages to convince exh that our ds (nearly 9) needs to do his homework on weekends or it won’t get done. He needs a little bit more than promoting due to ADD - needs to be told to sit down and do it, pretty much have some one sat with him to keep him on task. Although the homework is due Weds, it can’t be left til Mon or Tues evening as there’s not time after wraparound.

Mumsnet loves a loser male. I think half the women on here are misogynists.

Lazy...yes.
Neglectful...no.

Write them both a list - the stuff your daughter needed prompting about for her & the household chores for him.

Tell him that you're pissed off & feel like you shouldn't need to write him a list like he's a child but if it's the only way things will get done...🤷‍♀️

He knew you'd come home and do it all, that's why he left it.

I can't tell from your post if this is a regular occurrence or an unusual one off?

Everyone is allow to bunk off occasionally, even parents.

It all sounds a bit prescriptive (especially cleaning the cat's bowl every Sunday).

You need to have a conversation rather than charging round in a state of high huff.

It is 100% neglect. As a pp said, child neglect kills. I grew up with it and am still surprised I made it to adulthood.

100% NOT neglect...

YABU, and honestly sound quite horrible to live with. Your child was fed, the garden was sorted, and you decided to martyr yourself and do everything then bitch to him about it.

Lucky man, hey.

People here are getting bent at the word neglect and defending this lazy sod.

What did he actually do all day?

I imagine this isn't the first time.
After what he did today, I'd never do another thing for him.

🙄

It’s not your DD he’s neglected it’s the housework.

AND - she didn't get him a medal for the child still being alive at the end of the day. Shocking!

How dare she go out to work for 12.5 hours and not come home and praise him to high heavens for managing to feed his own child 🙄

The life some poor, hard pressed darling men have ...

Men won't change while so many women (as demonstrated on this thread) let them get away with crap, lazy, disrespectful behaviour.

The OP's partner failed to look after her health needs and to make sure she did her homework and chose instead to play video games.

Raise your standards if you think his behaviour was appropriate....it was lazy, selfish and unacceptable when it comes to her health condition.

I would have a serious conversation with him and state that you expect him to pull his weight from now on, not act like a child.

He's been a lazy sod but nothing you've described even comes close to neglect.

Putting bins out and cleaning cats bowl hardly takes more than 5 mins. He's hardly neglected your DD. I would have thought your DH is entitled to a lazy Sunday sometimes and he did the garden also and took DD out for a meal, which I'm sure she really enjoyed. I would have just said 'oh I'll leave you to put the shopping away darling as I'm a bit knackered after day at work.' And then reminded DD to do peak flow and homework. Takes 2 seconds to remind DD. Mind you that's why I've been married 28 years probably as I'm quite laid back about these things. He may not have done the things you wanted him to do but he had not been that lazy!

I would be really pissed off as well. I was away sat morning to Sunday night so not even a full weekend and the house is a bloody midden. Now I'm wasting my day off today sorting it out. There was a pile of creased clean washing left next to my bed, not folded or put away. No meal ready for me to come into. This is why I'd never go full time at work without a twice weekly cleaner. I do the work of a cook, housekeeper and more.

I genuinely don’t understand why anyone bothers to post their relationship woes on this site when this is so regularly the standard of response. Completely unnecessary to be so nasty towards someone you don’t know and have only limited details from.

If it’s a one off and he’s just having a lazy day I think that’s okay. If he doesn’t pull his weight generally and leaves you to do most of the mental load and house work then he is a knob. Unless there is a drip feed that you work far fewer hours or he is recovering from a serious illness then it’s cards on the table time.

FGS, really?

Please don't derail the thread with semantics. We know what the OP meant in the context of her situation.

It's really getting tiresome that people on their soapboxes are ruining interesting discussions.

Love this response, and it's 100% true.

OP why put up with shit, you deserve better. You can't work and look after home and family fgs you'll get burnt out and ill. Fuck him and his laziness, so it's ultimatum time...

This is the best, and most sensible reply I think.

We cannot tell from this post if DH just had a lazy day, or this is a regular occurrence. The OP doesn't give anythings else away about their general lifestyle and relationship dynamics.

It’s really tiresome that you cannot understand that the real definition of the word “neglect” is important to answering OPs question:

AIBU To have told DH is neglecting DD?

To which several of us have said YABU because that wasn’t neglect.

Please don’t dismiss our educating the OP who accused her DH of neglect from several of us who have survived actual neglect as what neglect really is. It isn’t arguing semantics anymore than asking a woman saying being leered at is being ‘eye raped’ to please don’t call it rape.

There are myriad definitions of the word neglect, including "carelessness." It's not always equivalent to abuse or endangering. If the OP meant the latter, I hope she clarifies, but my bet is that she meant the former.