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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A baby with possible absent Dad. RANT.

62 replies

Novatherova · 05/02/2023 21:57

Sorry this may be a rant.

My DH has lightly pressured me to try for a baby. All fine.

He has a job but cannot move any further in unless specialised. He is very interested in one avenue but applications are closed temporarily until next cohort begins in year or so.

His Dad slipped up to me that he is applying for another avenue. It is roughly 50 to 60 hours per week, no extra holidays, no extra pay (he's already at top of his band) and it's not a promotion. It's a side step.

I will be left at home with baby to work full time and run a house. He insisted on having a baby but now I find this out. He will never be at home with the baby he wants so badly.

Am I right or is he? His family have said I am standing in the way of his career.

OP posts:
Original poster
Novatherova · 05/02/2023 22:00

Also to note I moved away from my family and friends to be by his. We now live in a city which I struggle with as I am from a small village in the countryside.

So I think I have sacrificed enough and made lots of allowances.

OP posts:
PartingGift · 05/02/2023 22:01

Are you pregnant already?

Yolo12345 · 05/02/2023 22:08

Take control of your life and do what is best for YOU. If that means leaving him and relocating back to be closer to your family/ to a place you like, then crack on. There will be other men.

Original poster
Novatherova · 05/02/2023 22:14

PartingGift · 05/02/2023 22:01

Are you pregnant already?

No we are trying. After much persuasion and encouragement from him with added pressure.

I just think this situation is ridiculous and laughable.

I'm really angry. Does he not think I have a life too. Or now am I expected to be imprisoned in our house while he works 60 hours per week.

OP posts:
Coffeellama · 05/02/2023 22:17

Have you told him you will stop trying for a baby? You don’t want one anyway so don’t have one even if he quits his job OP! You will be left holding the baby and neither you nor the baby deserve it! (Not suggesting you would be a bad mum at all, but obviously the baby should be wanted by both parents).

Original poster
Novatherova · 05/02/2023 22:18

Yolo12345 · 05/02/2023 22:08

Take control of your life and do what is best for YOU. If that means leaving him and relocating back to be closer to your family/ to a place you like, then crack on. There will be other men.

I really don't mind that much. But I do mins that I am expected to sacrifice more to further support his career.

With no extra money it's not worth the disruption to our lives.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 05/02/2023 22:18

Novatherova · 05/02/2023 22:14

No we are trying. After much persuasion and encouragement from him with added pressure.

I just think this situation is ridiculous and laughable.

I'm really angry. Does he not think I have a life too. Or now am I expected to be imprisoned in our house while he works 60 hours per week.

Show quote history

Don’t have a baby with him

MrsMikeDrop · 05/02/2023 22:19

Don't have a baby, it's not fair to the baby

lauryloo · 05/02/2023 22:20

Novatherova · 05/02/2023 22:14

No we are trying. After much persuasion and encouragement from him with added pressure.

I just think this situation is ridiculous and laughable.

I'm really angry. Does he not think I have a life too. Or now am I expected to be imprisoned in our house while he works 60 hours per week.

Show quote history

Don't have a baby with him then.

Georgeandzippyzoo · 05/02/2023 22:22

I would def putting 'trying to have a baby' on hold. Uou can already see that it would cause major disruption to YOU

So he hasnt told you about this job application but has discussed it with his dad?
You need to talk this through before either of you make any life changing decisions.

Binfluencer · 05/02/2023 22:22

Tell him he only gets a baby if he gives up his work to look after it

Original poster
Novatherova · 05/02/2023 22:23

Coffeellama · 05/02/2023 22:17

Have you told him you will stop trying for a baby? You don’t want one anyway so don’t have one even if he quits his job OP! You will be left holding the baby and neither you nor the baby deserve it! (Not suggesting you would be a bad mum at all, but obviously the baby should be wanted by both parents).

No I get your point of view and thank you.

I do want one but I have held off due to my own health issues. I felt more secure so I agreed, although scared stiff.

However I am worried and stressed due to my health but was assured he would help/be a team.

But my Co pilot will be missing in action. How can he think this is OK.

I asked him about it and he denied it.

OP posts:
DestinysGrandchild · 05/02/2023 22:23

If he wants to work more, that's up to him but don't have a baby with him then?

Coffeellama · 05/02/2023 22:28

Novatherova · 05/02/2023 22:23

No I get your point of view and thank you.

I do want one but I have held off due to my own health issues. I felt more secure so I agreed, although scared stiff.

However I am worried and stressed due to my health but was assured he would help/be a team.

But my Co pilot will be missing in action. How can he think this is OK.

I asked him about it and he denied it.

Show quote history

If he’s denied it is there any chance his dad is lying? Or that he said this to his dad to appease him if his dad things he should be putting career first?
Regardless OP you clearly don’t feel ready for a baby yet, and don’t want to be the loan main parent to the baby either which is totally fine, but putting TTC on hold until this is sorted is still the best thing to do.

thaisweetchill · 05/02/2023 22:29

You have come across that you don't want a baby and if that is the case why are you even trying? You do realise they're not a baby for longer than twelve months? The baby stage is the easiest then it gets tough! You need a support system even if that is just your family.

My partner works away a lot/weekends but it's sporadic so I don't mind as much. However he's been away this weekend and it's really took it's toll and my DS hasn't even been that bad!

You need to make sure you're happy to create a new life and raise this child for 18+ years WITH the dad. It's not a light choice.

peachgreen · 05/02/2023 22:31

I wouldn’t want to be married to someone who keeps things like that from me, let alone have a baby with them.

piedbeauty · 05/02/2023 22:33

Bloody hell. It's nothing to do with his family - why are they getting involved?

But you and your h need to sit down and discuss things. How will you split childcare? How much maternity and paternity care will you take? How will you both pay for child care? When will you go back to work? How will you split chores?

Then you know you're both thinking the same way.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 05/02/2023 22:34

I'm really angry. Does he not think I have a life too. Or now am I expected to be imprisoned in our house while he works 60 hours per week

You're a brood made to him, then you'll be a nanny, cook, cleaner and only there to enable his career.

GetOffMyDoorJack · 05/02/2023 22:35

Not the point, but if he's taking on extra hours for the same pay then he is essentially taking a pay cut. Is it a step to getting a promotion in the long run? Only you can decide what you want to do but your needs are valid too OP and if you don't think the time is right then don't do it.

Justalittlebitduckling · 05/02/2023 22:48

He told his parents that he is applying for a different job, but didn’t tell you and you found out from them? That’s not a secure enough relationship to be having a baby with someone.

Original poster
Novatherova · 05/02/2023 22:52

GetOffMyDoorJack · 05/02/2023 22:35

Not the point, but if he's taking on extra hours for the same pay then he is essentially taking a pay cut. Is it a step to getting a promotion in the long run? Only you can decide what you want to do but your needs are valid too OP and if you don't think the time is right then don't do it.

I never thought about it like that. Pay cut. May use that one in my argument.

I'm flummoxed by his decision as it is the total opposite of what he wanted. He will hate it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Novatherova · 05/02/2023 22:53

Binfluencer · 05/02/2023 22:22

Tell him he only gets a baby if he gives up his work to look after it

I know. I may do.

But sorry its only the womans responsibility to raise the child.....!

OP posts:
Original poster
Novatherova · 05/02/2023 22:56

Coffeellama · 05/02/2023 22:28

If he’s denied it is there any chance his dad is lying? Or that he said this to his dad to appease him if his dad things he should be putting career first?
Regardless OP you clearly don’t feel ready for a baby yet, and don’t want to be the loan main parent to the baby either which is totally fine, but putting TTC on hold until this is sorted is still the best thing to do.

Show quote history

I'm going to speak to him about it again properly tomorrow.

No his dad isn't lying, his brother and mum stated it too.

Sorry I wasn't invited to the conversation that involved my life.

OP posts:
Original poster
Novatherova · 05/02/2023 22:59

thaisweetchill · 05/02/2023 22:29

You have come across that you don't want a baby and if that is the case why are you even trying? You do realise they're not a baby for longer than twelve months? The baby stage is the easiest then it gets tough! You need a support system even if that is just your family.

My partner works away a lot/weekends but it's sporadic so I don't mind as much. However he's been away this weekend and it's really took it's toll and my DS hasn't even been that bad!

You need to make sure you're happy to create a new life and raise this child for 18+ years WITH the dad. It's not a light choice.

I know it's not, that's why I was taking it slowly.

Maybe something was telling me to wait.

OP posts:
AnotherNameChangeYes · 05/02/2023 23:03

I would be telling him you won’t be TTC while he is applying for a job that takes him out the house for even longer. Be very blunt about it.

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