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Original poster

A baby with possible absent Dad. RANT.

62 replies

Novatherova · 05/02/2023 21:57

Sorry this may be a rant.

My DH has lightly pressured me to try for a baby. All fine.

He has a job but cannot move any further in unless specialised. He is very interested in one avenue but applications are closed temporarily until next cohort begins in year or so.

His Dad slipped up to me that he is applying for another avenue. It is roughly 50 to 60 hours per week, no extra holidays, no extra pay (he's already at top of his band) and it's not a promotion. It's a side step.

I will be left at home with baby to work full time and run a house. He insisted on having a baby but now I find this out. He will never be at home with the baby he wants so badly.

Am I right or is he? His family have said I am standing in the way of his career.

OP posts:
Original poster
Novatherova · 05/02/2023 23:10

Justalittlebitduckling · 05/02/2023 22:48

He told his parents that he is applying for a different job, but didn’t tell you and you found out from them? That’s not a secure enough relationship to be having a baby with someone.

No he's not applied yet, he is applying or thinking of it.

But I don't know if he will now after I've said tonight.

OP posts:
Original poster
Novatherova · 05/02/2023 23:12

AnotherNameChangeYes · 05/02/2023 23:03

I would be telling him you won’t be TTC while he is applying for a job that takes him out the house for even longer. Be very blunt about it.

I'm going too. I can't do it if he's not here.

OP posts:
BadNomad · 05/02/2023 23:16

It's good that you've found out now that you don't get to have an opinion on what happens to your life or family with him. You now know you can't ever trust him to be open with you about important decisions. He is just going to do what he wants to do.

carmenitapink · 05/02/2023 23:19

Novatherova · 05/02/2023 21:57

Sorry this may be a rant.

My DH has lightly pressured me to try for a baby. All fine.

He has a job but cannot move any further in unless specialised. He is very interested in one avenue but applications are closed temporarily until next cohort begins in year or so.

His Dad slipped up to me that he is applying for another avenue. It is roughly 50 to 60 hours per week, no extra holidays, no extra pay (he's already at top of his band) and it's not a promotion. It's a side step.

I will be left at home with baby to work full time and run a house. He insisted on having a baby but now I find this out. He will never be at home with the baby he wants so badly.

Am I right or is he? His family have said I am standing in the way of his career.

OP how much do you earn v how much does he earn?

Do you actually want to have a baby??

Mark19735 · 05/02/2023 23:24

It's not just 'his' career. It's both of yours. That's what the courts would say, if they were asked to dissolve the marriage. You are entitled to half the wealth accumulated within the marriage, and half the accrued pension. And maintenance, under certain circumstances. But I wouldn't think about that right now.

Instead - what about your career? What are your progression opportunities? What are your future earnings, and future working hours likely to be? Is this going to be enough for you?

An investment in skills and employment opportunities is the single best investment anyone can make. The thing about giving someone an ultimatum and forcing them to chose is that they may do just that. And whatever they pick they may harbour resentment at having been forced to do that. Is that really what you want? MN is a cesspit for advice - every thread has a trail of posters screaming 'leave him' but I'd be very, very circumspect about the motives of anonymous posters on a forum like this. You should speak to your other half. And for God's sake, please don't take what you've read on this thread as validation and use it as ammunition against him. It really won't help. Be open and honest about your feelings and your fears. Create a permissive environment where he can be too. If you'd prefer to have the baby now and are happy with him earning less money in the future in order to be more present now, tell him that. It'd be unusual, that's for sure - so he may find it difficult to believe at first, but if you genuinely believe it, you can convince him.

Eyerollcentral · 05/02/2023 23:25

To be fair he is talking to his dad about maybe applying for a job. He hasn’t actually done it or even got an interview for it. There’s absolutely nothing to say he will get it at the moment so don’t unnecessarily worry yourself about being left at home alone with a baby. Are there wider communication problems? Does he tend to make unilateral decisions about your future? Seems like it’s not really about the potential job.

Original poster
Novatherova · 05/02/2023 23:29

carmenitapink · 05/02/2023 23:19

OP how much do you earn v how much does he earn?

Do you actually want to have a baby??

Show quote history

Without OT he earns double than what I do. He pays alot more into our accounts.

OP posts:
Original poster
Novatherova · 05/02/2023 23:30

BadNomad · 05/02/2023 23:16

It's good that you've found out now that you don't get to have an opinion on what happens to your life or family with him. You now know you can't ever trust him to be open with you about important decisions. He is just going to do what he wants to do.

Yes this is exactly what I mean. He hasn't gave my life a thought.

OP posts:
carmenitapink · 05/02/2023 23:33

Confused by the responses.

Some people are talking about divorce and OP leaving her husband over this.

Quite normal for one person in a couple to step back a little (unless there's enough money to hire a nanny). Unfortunately, the assumption is often made that it'll be the woman, so you just need to have a discussion about that.

Many mums seems to want to step back post having a baby, but that doesn't have to be you.

Talk to your husband before you continue trying and work out how you can find childcare options if neither of you are willing to step back from your careers

KarmaStar · 05/02/2023 23:33

you sound very bitter.
Stop being passive and assert yourself.
Failure to do so will cause even more resentment than you have already.

carmenitapink · 05/02/2023 23:34

But if he earns double, it's not the biggest shock that he's expecting you to, but just talk to your OH instead of bitching on MN who seem to love telling people to LTB

Original poster
Novatherova · 05/02/2023 23:35

Mark19735 · 05/02/2023 23:24

It's not just 'his' career. It's both of yours. That's what the courts would say, if they were asked to dissolve the marriage. You are entitled to half the wealth accumulated within the marriage, and half the accrued pension. And maintenance, under certain circumstances. But I wouldn't think about that right now.

Instead - what about your career? What are your progression opportunities? What are your future earnings, and future working hours likely to be? Is this going to be enough for you?

An investment in skills and employment opportunities is the single best investment anyone can make. The thing about giving someone an ultimatum and forcing them to chose is that they may do just that. And whatever they pick they may harbour resentment at having been forced to do that. Is that really what you want? MN is a cesspit for advice - every thread has a trail of posters screaming 'leave him' but I'd be very, very circumspect about the motives of anonymous posters on a forum like this. You should speak to your other half. And for God's sake, please don't take what you've read on this thread as validation and use it as ammunition against him. It really won't help. Be open and honest about your feelings and your fears. Create a permissive environment where he can be too. If you'd prefer to have the baby now and are happy with him earning less money in the future in order to be more present now, tell him that. It'd be unusual, that's for sure - so he may find it difficult to believe at first, but if you genuinely believe it, you can convince him.

Thank you.

I do have career opportunities but I have locked confidence to really go for it. I love my job and colleagues. My earnings more or less cover my share of joint bills and my personal bills. Plus care and upkeep of our cat and new puppy.

His new job the money would remain same but would be so much extra hours. He would never be home.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 05/02/2023 23:42

Novatherova · 05/02/2023 22:14

No we are trying. After much persuasion and encouragement from him with added pressure.

I just think this situation is ridiculous and laughable.

I'm really angry. Does he not think I have a life too. Or now am I expected to be imprisoned in our house while he works 60 hours per week.

Show quote history

Don't get pregnant fgs.

carmenitapink · 05/02/2023 23:43

The word "absent dad" in the title is so melodramatic.

Tons of people work 60 hour weeks

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 05/02/2023 23:54

Talk to him. This job might be a side step to a future career goal. He should have talked to you about it but I think the bigger issue is that you don't seem to really want a baby. You both need to decide what you want and what your roles would be if and when you have children.

BadNomad · 06/02/2023 00:01

Tons of people work 60 hour weeks

Yes, but this man is going to be working that for the same amount of money he gets for working fewer hours now. That's the point. There is no financial benefit to him taking on more hours.

carmenitapink · 06/02/2023 00:16

BadNomad · 06/02/2023 00:01

Tons of people work 60 hour weeks

Yes, but this man is going to be working that for the same amount of money he gets for working fewer hours now. That's the point. There is no financial benefit to him taking on more hours.

But no one does that for no reason.

Sounds like he's trying to side step into a new industry. Could be more lucrative long term or the 1000s of other reasons people move industry.

Seems like simple communication breakdown re: post baby expectations

NicLondon1 · 06/02/2023 00:19

You both need to sit down and talk to each other!

anon666 · 06/02/2023 00:23

You are right. It's a tough call working full time and caring for a small baby. Then it doesn't get easier but harder when they go to school because of childcare.

Also - what about your career? They seem happy enough for you to make the compromise. I presume this job would be away from home. Why not suggest he takes the baby with him while you progressed your career, since his is going nowhere.

BabyOnBoard90 · 06/02/2023 00:29

He's pressuring you into having a baby but at the same time you want a baby?

And he's looking for work to be able to support the household?

Some people just wanna complain about anything in here

Original poster
Novatherova · 06/02/2023 00:30

KarmaStar · 05/02/2023 23:33

you sound very bitter.
Stop being passive and assert yourself.
Failure to do so will cause even more resentment than you have already.

I'm not actually. I love him so would do anything or go anywhere.

I also love me too which means I'm not being left holding the baby, working full time and running a house, whilst my husband is away 18 hours a day.

I can be upset without being bitter.

OP posts:
Father2890 · 06/02/2023 00:30

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Previously banned poster.

BadNomad · 06/02/2023 00:32

carmenitapink · 06/02/2023 00:16

But no one does that for no reason.

Sounds like he's trying to side step into a new industry. Could be more lucrative long term or the 1000s of other reasons people move industry.

Seems like simple communication breakdown re: post baby expectations

Show quote history

That doesn't matter. He doesn't get to make a decision like that, to leave it to his wife to keep the house, the child and work a full-time job while he works more hours, which takes him away from the family he apparently wants. For no financial benefit and to his wife's detriment.

Original poster
Novatherova · 06/02/2023 00:33

carmenitapink · 05/02/2023 23:33

Confused by the responses.

Some people are talking about divorce and OP leaving her husband over this.

Quite normal for one person in a couple to step back a little (unless there's enough money to hire a nanny). Unfortunately, the assumption is often made that it'll be the woman, so you just need to have a discussion about that.

Many mums seems to want to step back post having a baby, but that doesn't have to be you.

Talk to your husband before you continue trying and work out how you can find childcare options if neither of you are willing to step back from your careers

Thank you for your sensible reply. I'm not getting a divorce ha.

I don't have a career compared to him, I just love my job and hope to be promoted one day. I don't mind stepping back but not when he is missing everything that he said he wanted, with the assumption I wouldn't mind.

I will talk to him properly.

OP posts:
Father2890 · 06/02/2023 00:33

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Previously banned poster.