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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A baby with possible absent Dad. RANT.

62 replies

Novatherova · 05/02/2023 21:57

Sorry this may be a rant.

My DH has lightly pressured me to try for a baby. All fine.

He has a job but cannot move any further in unless specialised. He is very interested in one avenue but applications are closed temporarily until next cohort begins in year or so.

His Dad slipped up to me that he is applying for another avenue. It is roughly 50 to 60 hours per week, no extra holidays, no extra pay (he's already at top of his band) and it's not a promotion. It's a side step.

I will be left at home with baby to work full time and run a house. He insisted on having a baby but now I find this out. He will never be at home with the baby he wants so badly.

Am I right or is he? His family have said I am standing in the way of his career.

OP posts:
Original poster
Novatherova · 06/02/2023 00:34

carmenitapink · 05/02/2023 23:34

But if he earns double, it's not the biggest shock that he's expecting you to, but just talk to your OH instead of bitching on MN who seem to love telling people to LTB

Expecting me to what?

OP posts:
BadNomad · 06/02/2023 00:35

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She said out of the house for 18 hours a day. Not working 18 hours a day. I'm assuming there is travelling or a commute involved.

Original poster
Novatherova · 06/02/2023 00:36

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 05/02/2023 23:54

Talk to him. This job might be a side step to a future career goal. He should have talked to you about it but I think the bigger issue is that you don't seem to really want a baby. You both need to decide what you want and what your roles would be if and when you have children.

It's honestly not. It's the opposite direction to what he truly wants to do.

I do want a baby but I'm scared about how my health would affect a baby and other bits etc. I need him around more when pregnant and baby arrived, not less.

OP posts:
Father2890 · 06/02/2023 00:38

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Original poster
Novatherova · 06/02/2023 00:39

BadNomad · 06/02/2023 00:01

Tons of people work 60 hour weeks

Yes, but this man is going to be working that for the same amount of money he gets for working fewer hours now. That's the point. There is no financial benefit to him taking on more hours.

Exactly. If anything it's going to completely change both of our lifestyles and happiness for a role he doesn't even want.

AFTER bugging me for a baby.

Then when he would be here he would be too exhausted to have family time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Novatherova · 06/02/2023 00:40

carmenitapink · 06/02/2023 00:16

But no one does that for no reason.

Sounds like he's trying to side step into a new industry. Could be more lucrative long term or the 1000s of other reasons people move industry.

Seems like simple communication breakdown re: post baby expectations

Show quote history

It's the same organisation, team and even building.

No more money as not a promotion. Not sure the longterm goals

OP posts:
Original poster
Novatherova · 06/02/2023 00:42

anon666 · 06/02/2023 00:23

You are right. It's a tough call working full time and caring for a small baby. Then it doesn't get easier but harder when they go to school because of childcare.

Also - what about your career? They seem happy enough for you to make the compromise. I presume this job would be away from home. Why not suggest he takes the baby with him while you progressed your career, since his is going nowhere.

He couldn't take baby. His job is dangerous.

OP posts:
Original poster
Novatherova · 06/02/2023 00:46

BabyOnBoard90 · 06/02/2023 00:29

He's pressuring you into having a baby but at the same time you want a baby?

And he's looking for work to be able to support the household?

Some people just wanna complain about anything in here

I want a baby but I've been delaying for two years due to my health which won't get any better. So yes he has pressured me as it is quicker than I'd have liked, but I do want a baby eventually.

The job won't be to support the house. It Will make us worse off emotionally. He will be earning same money.

OP posts:
Original poster
Novatherova · 06/02/2023 00:47

BadNomad · 06/02/2023 00:32

That doesn't matter. He doesn't get to make a decision like that, to leave it to his wife to keep the house, the child and work a full-time job while he works more hours, which takes him away from the family he apparently wants. For no financial benefit and to his wife's detriment.

Show quote history

This.

OP posts:
Original poster
Novatherova · 06/02/2023 00:49

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Some days could be 18 hours depends what comes in.

Not sure how many days but now it ranged from 2 days to 5.

OP posts:
Original poster
Novatherova · 06/02/2023 00:49

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No 20 mins in car.

OP posts:
Father2890 · 06/02/2023 00:54

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