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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

White lies but I have been very unreasonable

60 replies

Babsexxx · 05/02/2023 16:01

So my DF is in a extremely sad situation social media perfect but really cruel behind closed doors dp with lots of money/addiction issues/ violence really sad.

In order for her to leave this toxic relationship I insinuated ultimately I would be there which isn’t a lie but not the full truth as I can’t always be there but honestly the situation is that dire that I’m certain anyone would of lied through there back teeth in order to get a very good friend out of a very serious situation.

Think along the lines of serious drug problems and severe domestic violence I.e strangulation etc so not wanting to even just hurt her but potentially kill her, it’s nearly 4pm and DF has text me please come over I feel so low! But how can I just up and leave my house hold of seven people everyone has school/work etc.

I feel terrible I really do but advised her to FaceTime me? Am I the really shit friend I feel terribly that I promised a lot that I simply cannot ultimately fulfils.

This friend was soo confident I don’t really recognise who she has become he has dragged her that far down! she’s a single mum in housing association and he has a company she helped build from the ground up! He’s a property owner doesn’t pay a single bill lives with her when the mood takes him then flees to his mums but benefits massively as she pays everything and does a lot of work for him for free as all her background is reception work everyday!! he’s fully taking the piss!

WTF do I do? Should I just go! I’m being a massive dick here I know the answer.

In my defence I advised her years ago to not put any energy into him or that company until your either married or your names on it! (Before any DV came about.)

She has children with him to make matters even worse so no real clean break for her.

I like to think I’ve given her great advice over the years etc but it’s always the same they end up back together I went crazy at him once as I visited her when her baby was 10 days old and she kept putting me off couldn’t shake the feeling so I just showed up there she was lead up in bed newborn and two black eyes but it was all my fault I made matters “worse”. As I called him a big hard man and threatened to take him outside myself not wise I know.

Feel totally shit that the one time she sounds serious about actually leaving and here I am umming and arring.

OP posts:
tinselandjoy · 05/02/2023 16:20

You need to point her to access for domestic violence charities such Women's Aid to get away from this man.

If a friend had offered me help but clearly didn't mean a word of it, I would be absolutely devastated if I reached out for the help and realised it was all a lie.

Original poster
Babsexxx · 05/02/2023 16:23

I’m not fully lying I can help but to a certain extent there is alot of history of her taking him back.

OP posts:
ALittleBitAhAh · 05/02/2023 16:32

Can you invite her to you?

Dogsarebetterthanhumans · 05/02/2023 16:37

Invite her over to yours OP. x

igglu · 05/02/2023 16:45

She's not going to ask you for help again is she if you've not done what you said you would.

How is she ever going to leave him if she doesn't think she can rely on her friends?

Sorry to be harsh but I think this is really awful.

Parisj · 05/02/2023 16:48

Go get her

Bellalalala · 05/02/2023 16:52

I am confused. You said you would fully support her, knowing that wasn’t true.

Its not like you have been there for her and things have changed and you can’t support her as much.

You knew you were misleading her when you said it?

Whyisitsososohard · 05/02/2023 16:54

I mean tbh it's pretty shitty friend wise to say you will be there and the when she asks you say say oh I've got stuff going on. Do you not have partner or husband who can hold the Fort?

Yes we all have our day to day lives, but it feels like you think your run of the mill Sunday is so much more important than your friend's crisis. Which maybe it is to you, but she's not going to call on you again. Which tbh is probably best as I don't think you're the one to help her through this.

I do also understand when people are in abusive relationship they take ages to leave and it's frustrating. But this is why you need to be there for on going support.

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/02/2023 16:55

It's not a white lie. It's a very very unwhite lie.

Knowing who you can count on is so important if someone even thinks about changing things.

SaltyGod · 05/02/2023 16:57

Come on, this can't be real?!? A friend in desperate and serious need of help, someone who is at real risk of harm, and you're 'umming and ahing' about helping her.

If you are for real...GO GET HER. NOW

Someo · 05/02/2023 16:59

Whats

Someo · 05/02/2023 17:00

Someo · 05/02/2023 16:59

Whats

Pressed post too soon.

I don't see what people in the house having work and school has to do with you going and helping a friend who sounds in dire need?

honestlyno · 05/02/2023 17:00

A friend needs you...and you're on a social media app. I'm not sure what you want to hear.

Newnamenewname109870 · 05/02/2023 17:04

Normally I would agree with you but this situation is horrible. You need to get her over to yours.

Choconut · 05/02/2023 17:04

I don't know how you could not go. It sounds like you just can't really be bothered. Isn't there another adult in the house? School and work aren't until tomorrow. She needs support right now. Just go.

Redebs · 05/02/2023 17:07

Go now

Wannakisstheteacher · 05/02/2023 17:11

This is very sad. You aren’t her friend at all. But on the plus side she’ll have worked that out for herself now.

Quartz2208 · 05/02/2023 17:12

Go and get her. I have lost a friend to domestic violence and myself and another friend saw her the morning it happened looking sad - we thought about stopping but didn’t and went off to our coffee. It haunts us that we didn’t stop and we know that it wouldn’t have changed anything.

you can make a difference. Homework can wait

VenusClapTrap · 05/02/2023 17:15

I would drop everything and go and get her. I needed to do it with a friend of mine once, when she was in a bad place, and Dh just took over the reins with dc and home life. We just regarded it as an emergency and something that needed to be done.

GoldDuster · 05/02/2023 17:16

Go round. I know how frustrating this is, when over and over again she won't leave/takes him back/won't take your advice. You can't do it for her, but you can do what you said you would and not let her down.

If you feel it's too much for you going forward can you be honest with her, and try and get her to engage with some professional help, tell her you'll support her to do that?

Original poster
Babsexxx · 05/02/2023 17:19

Sorry I FaceTimed her I love her and like on my op I did state that I could do everything I was really honest and she’s really well! I said I really hope you understand but I am here on the other end at the drop of a hat whenever!

she really is very upbeat and even finished the face time with our usual love yous I feel soo much better thanks everyone xxx

OP posts:
Calmdown14 · 05/02/2023 17:20

OP do you mean she is now out of this situation and living alone but feeling miserable?

I would invite her round or arrange to do something after tea like a quick walk or a cuppa for an hour

Ducksinthebath · 05/02/2023 17:20

Do you have six young kids at home with no one whatsoever that can hold the fort for an hour or two?

Original poster
Babsexxx · 05/02/2023 17:23

I’ve made it very clear her calls will never ever be ignored she has 5 children herself so she gets it I’m soo pleased she even said to me I wish I took your advice years ago! So she does acknowledge that I’ve been saying this for a number of years and I just said I am always here but unfortunately not always physically perfect compromise xxxx

OP posts:
Original poster
Babsexxx · 05/02/2023 17:25

No I’m have 5 but hubs is working away eldest 16 but 4yo is special needs so I really cannot leave him with her

OP posts:
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