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AIBU?

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Original poster

White lies but I have been very unreasonable

60 replies

Babsexxx · 05/02/2023 16:01

So my DF is in a extremely sad situation social media perfect but really cruel behind closed doors dp with lots of money/addiction issues/ violence really sad.

In order for her to leave this toxic relationship I insinuated ultimately I would be there which isn’t a lie but not the full truth as I can’t always be there but honestly the situation is that dire that I’m certain anyone would of lied through there back teeth in order to get a very good friend out of a very serious situation.

Think along the lines of serious drug problems and severe domestic violence I.e strangulation etc so not wanting to even just hurt her but potentially kill her, it’s nearly 4pm and DF has text me please come over I feel so low! But how can I just up and leave my house hold of seven people everyone has school/work etc.

I feel terrible I really do but advised her to FaceTime me? Am I the really shit friend I feel terribly that I promised a lot that I simply cannot ultimately fulfils.

This friend was soo confident I don’t really recognise who she has become he has dragged her that far down! she’s a single mum in housing association and he has a company she helped build from the ground up! He’s a property owner doesn’t pay a single bill lives with her when the mood takes him then flees to his mums but benefits massively as she pays everything and does a lot of work for him for free as all her background is reception work everyday!! he’s fully taking the piss!

WTF do I do? Should I just go! I’m being a massive dick here I know the answer.

In my defence I advised her years ago to not put any energy into him or that company until your either married or your names on it! (Before any DV came about.)

She has children with him to make matters even worse so no real clean break for her.

I like to think I’ve given her great advice over the years etc but it’s always the same they end up back together I went crazy at him once as I visited her when her baby was 10 days old and she kept putting me off couldn’t shake the feeling so I just showed up there she was lead up in bed newborn and two black eyes but it was all my fault I made matters “worse”. As I called him a big hard man and threatened to take him outside myself not wise I know.

Feel totally shit that the one time she sounds serious about actually leaving and here I am umming and arring.

OP posts:
Heronwatcher · 05/02/2023 19:21

She’s not fine. I don’t get it OP why couldn’t you go over there with your youngest kid(s) in the car and either pick her up or spend 20min there? It’s all very well talking the talk but it’s things like this that I would worry might make her feel that she really doesn’t have a choice? I’m not trying to put the boot in but over promising and then not being there will play into his manipulative hands. I’d keep in touch with her and when you next speak set some really realistic things you can do, but be clear about what’s not possible so he can’t use it against you.

Original poster
Babsexxx · 05/02/2023 19:50

Why assume I even drive?

OP posts:
Original poster
Babsexxx · 05/02/2023 19:51

Thanks all mutual friend is there im confident she’s ok for tonight I will obviously keep really close contact xxxx

OP posts:
007DoubleOSeven · 05/02/2023 20:03

Babsexxx · 05/02/2023 19:51

Thanks all mutual friend is there im confident she’s ok for tonight I will obviously keep really close contact xxxx

Good to hear, op, hope she's ok

Original poster
Babsexxx · 05/02/2023 20:15

Unreal I am on the phone to mutual friend this bloke is still trying to get in contact and massively gaslighting!! Wtf!

OP posts:
LandlubbingKraken · 05/02/2023 20:23

I find this whole thread really odd - support your friend OP. Yes, it will be disruptive, but she's in a rubbish situation, and she's reached out to you.

EmmaDilemma5 · 05/02/2023 20:27

Did you report the violence? At 10 days post partum she was insanely vulnerable, did the HV know they have violence in the household?

Those poor kids having to grow up seeing such violence against their mum.

I'd be reporting him every time. Even if she won't leave him, those kids need to be living somewhere else.

monsteramunch · 05/02/2023 21:03

EmmaDilemma5 · 05/02/2023 20:27

Did you report the violence? At 10 days post partum she was insanely vulnerable, did the HV know they have violence in the household?

Those poor kids having to grow up seeing such violence against their mum.

I'd be reporting him every time. Even if she won't leave him, those kids need to be living somewhere else.

This. Did you report this OP?

I want to cry thinking about her so very vulnerable during that time and the kids being so very vulnerable as a result 😔

Dogsarebetterthanhumans · 05/02/2023 21:19

As someone who has worked in mental health first aid and actually directly worked with acutely suicidal people; I don’t like the sound of this at all. Sudden change in mood from terribly low to tremendously upbeat and grateful.
Please just put yourself aside for a bit and ensure she feels properly x

Dogsarebetterthanhumans · 05/02/2023 21:19

Properly supported…

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