White lies but I have been very unreasonable

[Babsexxx]

So my DF is in a extremely sad situation social media perfect but really cruel behind closed doors dp with lots of money/addiction issues/ violence really sad.

In order for her to leave this toxic relationship I insinuated ultimately I would be there which isn’t a lie but not the full truth as I can’t always be there but honestly the situation is that dire that I’m certain anyone would of lied through there back teeth in order to get a very good friend out of a very serious situation.

Think along the lines of serious drug problems and severe domestic violence I.e strangulation etc so not wanting to even just hurt her but potentially kill her, it’s nearly 4pm and DF has text me please come over I feel so low! But how can I just up and leave my house hold of seven people everyone has school/work etc.

I feel terrible I really do but advised her to FaceTime me? Am I the really shit friend I feel terribly that I promised a lot that I simply cannot ultimately fulfils.

This friend was soo confident I don’t really recognise who she has become he has dragged her that far down! she’s a single mum in housing association and he has a company she helped build from the ground up! He’s a property owner doesn’t pay a single bill lives with her when the mood takes him then flees to his mums but benefits massively as she pays everything and does a lot of work for him for free as all her background is reception work everyday!! he’s fully taking the piss!

WTF do I do? Should I just go! I’m being a massive dick here I know the answer.

In my defence I advised her years ago to not put any energy into him or that company until your either married or your names on it! (Before any DV came about.)

She has children with him to make matters even worse so no real clean break for her.

I like to think I’ve given her great advice over the years etc but it’s always the same they end up back together I went crazy at him once as I visited her when her baby was 10 days old and she kept putting me off couldn’t shake the feeling so I just showed up there she was lead up in bed newborn and two black eyes but it was all my fault I made matters “worse”. As I called him a big hard man and threatened to take him outside myself not wise I know.

Feel totally shit that the one time she sounds serious about actually leaving and here I am umming and arring.

Glad that she acknowledges that you're a good friend. You feel validated. That's what's important here.

He tells her lies to cover the truth and keep her down and make himself look good; and so do you.

I did say more than welcome but we both have very large family’s i FaceTimed her she seems very good and I was very honest xxx

Yes this is reading really odd. You are focussed on whether she is still your friend?

Go and get her.

It's ok that you physically cannot go to her. If she could get to you would she be welcome?

Untill your in this situation which Is very difficult I suggest you keep that to yourself and I partially didn’t lie as I’m always on the end of the phone yet she has and told me it’s over a thousand times before but next thing there back together? Why don’t you say something useful?

Very but same as predicament lots of kids

I didn’t say that…..

Why not invite her over?

I didn't know "fully support" means you would prioritise the supportee over everything else in your life. People attribute some big meanings to very non-specific words.

When someone has high needs you need to pace yourself because you Cannot Meet All their Needs. Mentally you'll be drained if you take on their problems. You need mental distance to last the marathon.

You're allowed to put limits on the support you give & you don't have to quantify it or explain it. If she can get support she wants faster elsewhere, she will.

I think there are times when you just have to inconvenience yourself. One of my friends was in an abusive relationship and I told her i would be there in any way she needed if she ever decided to get out. She ended up coming to stay with us for 2 months. It wasn't ideal but I couldn't have not helped her when I said I would. My OH fortunately was very supportive

you're always there and ready to broadcast her situation on MN and any other readily available social media - but fuck all else apart from a quick facetime?
big of you.

I hope she has some decent friends

How is she broadcasting her situation when this is an anonymous forum?

This seems like you want the glory of being the “good, wise, supportive friend” but with none of the effort that actually goes with it.

I’d be willing to bet you’ll be telling people IRL how much you’ve supported her and how much she appreciates you.

For what it’s worth, a very common pre-emptor to suicide is people seeming suddenly bright, breezy and happy, and expressing thanks and love. I really hope that’s not the case here.

Is it any wonder she goes back to him when he’s the only one who seems to actually be there for her?

I would drop anything for a friend in need, and have done most nights this week. Empty promises are just self serving to make you feel better about how great you are 🤷‍♀️

This.

I'm a bit confused about how she has gone from so low she needs you to visit. To she's fine and really upbeat in the space of an hour.

There is a really high chance this is because she is in danger of harming herself. It is a surprising but common sign, unfortunately.

I know, I just hoped that OP had covered that aspect in their conversation.

I don’t know why’s she seems upbeat now I already know I’m being unreasonable but I was under the impression it would be via FaceTime and phone and as much as I hate this thought she has a lot of form of gong back to him! I’m not spiteful or selfish I genuinely love her she’s my girl but we are mid 30s so not exactly teens! My son is asd non verbal adhd my door is always open.

Well no that’s why I’m on a anonymous forum

Your entire message here is absolutely insane sorry but are you seriously insinuating he is the only one there for her?
Did you read the op?

I assume this was meant for me.

She likely feels he is the only one who’s actually there, because I bet if she asks him to come round he does.

She’s said she feels very low and needs someone there physically- that’s a serious cry for help and it’s very possible she doesn’t feel safe around herself. She’s now sounding like everything is fine- that is a classic sign of suicide acceptance.

I cannot emphasise enough how at risk she sounds right now.

Shit I prey your wrong but I don’t think you are! I hope sincerely this unanticipated the case she was unusually happy? But she was talking in regards to her future and everything she now wants to achieve!

If you really can’t get round there yourself, I really really do think you need to get someone over there- a mutual friend, family member, whatever.

It sounds like she asked to be supervised, and now her apparent switch in mood (even with planning for the ‘future’) is the biggest red flag there could be.

I would be worried about the switch to how cheerful she is, are you sure she's not pretending? If she's unusually happy I would say that's a massive flag.

Reasons for pretending = so you don't feel bad, to fool herself into feeling brave, strong and fine

I’m getting some one over a mutual friend xxx