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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just not fancy him?

71 replies

JustOneMoreBiscuitPlease · 05/02/2023 11:18

Been dating this guy casually for nearly two months, meeting up once or twice a week for drinks/meals/cinema/trips into London to wander. We met through OLD. I’m 31, he’s 32 and both were clear in our profiles that we were looking for something long-term and serious.

He a nice guy and treats me well. Always offers to pay although I never let him. We haven’t DTD nor even been to each other’s places and he has never pushed anything. He has a reasonable job, his own flat and car. I’ve been looking to meet someone for a while now and on paper he ticks all the major boxes. You’d think this would be a dream come true, right?

Yet honestly, I’m just not into him. Don’t fancy him, don’t feel at all excited about him, don’t much like snogging him and don’t have any desire to go any further. I don’t even particularly look forward to seeing him if I’m honest. I keep going through the motions hoping that perhaps something might click and because well… this is what I always said I wanted, right? All my friends and family have been so excited for me that I’ve met someone at last.

Two months in though, is this likely to change? It’s starting to feel unfair to him now that I’m stringing him along like this when I’m not really feeling it. Things have reached a point now where it feels like we should either we taking things to a new level (dinner at our own places, introducing friends, getting more physical, etc.) or parting ways. The former just isn’t appealing. AIBU to end this do you think?

OP posts:
Nothighgaprequired · 05/02/2023 11:20

Don’t settle op, it never ends well. You can’t force attraction

harrassedmumto3 · 05/02/2023 11:22

It's nobody's fault, but you need to cut him loose so that he's free to meet someone else.

NocturnalClocks · 05/02/2023 11:23

It won't change. Finding a partner is not a box-ticking exercise.

AnotherNameChangeYes · 05/02/2023 11:27

No it’s not likely to change. Move on.

Warrensrabbit · 05/02/2023 11:28

Move on. If you’re not feeling it now you never will, and there’s lots of guys out there that also have their shut together

TheWy · 05/02/2023 11:30

Seriously, what are you doing?

You don't like him. Why would you be continuing this, I feel sorry for him.

Oysterbabe · 05/02/2023 11:32

Throw this one back OP.

LadyKenya · 05/02/2023 11:33

Do not waste your own time, or his.

Outtasteamandluck · 05/02/2023 11:34

You're wasting his time. I wouldn't want someone to do this to me.

DuplicateUserName · 05/02/2023 11:34

I think it goes without saying really that if there's no romantic chemistry/attraction, you should finish with him.

It's all part of dating.

AtomicBlondeRose · 05/02/2023 11:34

If he’s not pushed for anything for anything physical after two months I’d say he’s not feeling that spark of attraction either.

WinterFoxes · 05/02/2023 11:36

It sounds like you haven't really got to know each other yet. You are on best behaviour. If he hasn't yet made you laugh, if you haven't had a conversation that lasts for hours because you are both so absorbed, if you haven't wanted to go to bed with him then I think you are both just politely tick-boxing what you ought to want.

Rainbowshit · 05/02/2023 11:38

Jeez. If there's no attraction in the honeymoon period then there's no hope for the long term.

pinkyredrose · 05/02/2023 11:40

Do the decent thing and set him free to find someone he deserves.

stepkidscopingstrategy · 05/02/2023 11:40

Nah it's not working now - be kind and end it. Stay friends if you both want it. Don't snog him again xx

Fuckstix · 05/02/2023 11:41

Don't waste any more of your or his time. You want a long term relationship. So go out and look for one, hard. Do you honestly want to spend years in close quarters with a man you don't fancy?

You've seen his good points and given it a go. Fine. Now keep looking.

Honestly: I've been in your position (but a few years older so time pressure re children had already really kicked in) and was considering settling in such a way. I think I even posted about it at the time under a different name. Decent guy, successful, actually we had sexual chemistry but absolutely nothing else in common. There's no way I could have gone through with it long term. It was so boring, hollow and unfulfilling. No reflection on him as a person. He wasn't a boring or unfulfilling person but you just can't force a romantic connection.

Original poster
JustOneMoreBiscuitPlease · 05/02/2023 11:54

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. A lot of words here ring true. @WinterFoxes no we’ve never had a conversation which has lasted for hours because we’ve both been so absorbed. I’ve struggled to get much beyond small talk with him. I feel like he doesn’t really get me on a deeper level. That’s quite an important realisation actually.

@stepkidscopingstrategy I’m not sure I’d even want to bother staying friends.

@Fuckstix thanks for your honesty. Hollow and unfulfilling is a good description. Hope you found your match in the end.

Trouble is that OLD can be such hell to return to that I think we’ve perhaps both have been hoping we could find a way to make this work.

OP posts:
Mouk · 05/02/2023 11:59

For everyone's sake, let him down gently and walk away.

Why waste your time and his time?

x2boys · 05/02/2023 12:38

Of your not attracted to him ,you need to.finish things it's nobodies fault but i.doubt it will.change instant attraction isn't everything but it's a start to build something in ,if it's not there it's not there.

Keepyourmummysboys · 05/02/2023 12:44

If he’s not trying ro sleep with you or pushing it to go further, inviting you round etc then I’d guess he feels the same.

cmon, can you both be so desperate You’d pretend, just to be with someone. Just end it

Eleganz · 05/02/2023 12:45

He sounds like a great partner for some lucky woman. That woman is not you so let him go.

Original poster
JustOneMoreBiscuitPlease · 05/02/2023 12:53

Eleganz · 05/02/2023 12:45

He sounds like a great partner for some lucky woman. That woman is not you so let him go.

You’re right and I genuinely really hope he finds someone who does feel ‘that spark’ with him.

Now just got to figure out how to tell him…

OP posts:
x2boys · 05/02/2023 12:58

JustOneMoreBiscuitPlease · 05/02/2023 12:53

You’re right and I genuinely really hope he finds someone who does feel ‘that spark’ with him.

Now just got to figure out how to tell him…

Show quote history

Just be honest ,I was once in this position years ago.,he was a nice man but there was just no attraction on my part and the more he tried the more it put me off ,there's no.easy way Of telling someone you want to finish things but don't string out for too long it's not fair on him or you .

OnlyFannys · 05/02/2023 13:17

You are stringing him along

Fuckstix · 05/02/2023 13:28

Tell him you've really enjoyed getting to know him, he's a great guy, but you're feeling more of a friendship developing. There's been no sex to complicate things so that's the truth.