Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just not fancy him?

71 replies

JustOneMoreBiscuitPlease · 05/02/2023 11:18

Been dating this guy casually for nearly two months, meeting up once or twice a week for drinks/meals/cinema/trips into London to wander. We met through OLD. I’m 31, he’s 32 and both were clear in our profiles that we were looking for something long-term and serious.

He a nice guy and treats me well. Always offers to pay although I never let him. We haven’t DTD nor even been to each other’s places and he has never pushed anything. He has a reasonable job, his own flat and car. I’ve been looking to meet someone for a while now and on paper he ticks all the major boxes. You’d think this would be a dream come true, right?

Yet honestly, I’m just not into him. Don’t fancy him, don’t feel at all excited about him, don’t much like snogging him and don’t have any desire to go any further. I don’t even particularly look forward to seeing him if I’m honest. I keep going through the motions hoping that perhaps something might click and because well… this is what I always said I wanted, right? All my friends and family have been so excited for me that I’ve met someone at last.

Two months in though, is this likely to change? It’s starting to feel unfair to him now that I’m stringing him along like this when I’m not really feeling it. Things have reached a point now where it feels like we should either we taking things to a new level (dinner at our own places, introducing friends, getting more physical, etc.) or parting ways. The former just isn’t appealing. AIBU to end this do you think?

OP posts:
Fuckstix · 05/02/2023 13:28

And thank you! Yes, he was out there. Took some bloody finding though! Keep at it 😊

MavisCruet2023 · 05/02/2023 13:31

Don't be a tyre kicker. Let him go.

EmmaDilemma5 · 05/02/2023 13:33

How you're feeling isn't indicative of the start of a loving relationship.

Quite frankly, at two months in, you should be wanting to rip his clothes off. A snog should make you want more.

If you're not interested, you're not interested, that's ok! Don't waste any more time.

To avoid family and friends going on about it, I'd just lie to be honest. Maybe he has gone back to his ex or something, so they'll stop trying to convince you to try again.

There are lots of decent single guys out there, I know a few. Just keep trying.

Blagdoon · 05/02/2023 13:36

I settled for someone like that in my 30s because I wanted a house and kids, neither of which I could have on my own. Depends what your priorities are I suppose?

I don’t think I would have met someone else who I actually fancied - I’d been looking for about 20 years already and he hadn’t shown up, so the odds of him appearing in the next couple of years were pretty small. I figured my choice was to settle for this guy and have kids and a house and a supportive partner, or end up with nobody and nothing.

Anyway it turns out that attraction doesn’t matter once you have kids and turn 40. You’ll be stuck on the treadmill of doing the school run, going to work, cooking dinner then putting kids to bed every night and falling asleep exhausted. Not to mention that you start to have health problems. At that point it doesn’t matter whether you fancy him. What matters is whether he looks after you when you have surgery to fix birth injuries, does his share of parenting so you can have a break, stands by you when you have suspected breast cancer and have to go for a mammogram, does the housework when you have muscle pains from menopause, isn’t grossed out when you cough and piss yourself because your pelvic floor is fucked, pays the bills when you get made redundant, and everything else which is way more important and valuable than just sex or fancying someone.

EmmaDilemma5 · 05/02/2023 13:40

Blagdoon · 05/02/2023 13:36

I settled for someone like that in my 30s because I wanted a house and kids, neither of which I could have on my own. Depends what your priorities are I suppose?

I don’t think I would have met someone else who I actually fancied - I’d been looking for about 20 years already and he hadn’t shown up, so the odds of him appearing in the next couple of years were pretty small. I figured my choice was to settle for this guy and have kids and a house and a supportive partner, or end up with nobody and nothing.

Anyway it turns out that attraction doesn’t matter once you have kids and turn 40. You’ll be stuck on the treadmill of doing the school run, going to work, cooking dinner then putting kids to bed every night and falling asleep exhausted. Not to mention that you start to have health problems. At that point it doesn’t matter whether you fancy him. What matters is whether he looks after you when you have surgery to fix birth injuries, does his share of parenting so you can have a break, stands by you when you have suspected breast cancer and have to go for a mammogram, does the housework when you have muscle pains from menopause, isn’t grossed out when you cough and piss yourself because your pelvic floor is fucked, pays the bills when you get made redundant, and everything else which is way more important and valuable than just sex or fancying someone.

That's all true to an extent. But I don't agree.

I think even with all of that, if aren't attracted to each other, the relationship can feel pretty lonely.

SarahAshley2 · 05/02/2023 13:41

Clearly time to end it!

purpledalmation · 05/02/2023 13:44

Just move on. It's going nowhere

Fudgeytastic · 05/02/2023 13:44

This was me in my late 20's. I settled for someone as they were "right" on paper but they clearly weren't the person for me. I wasted 14 years of my life with the wrong person. Don't make the same mistake I did.

x2boys · 05/02/2023 13:49

Blagdoon · 05/02/2023 13:36

I settled for someone like that in my 30s because I wanted a house and kids, neither of which I could have on my own. Depends what your priorities are I suppose?

I don’t think I would have met someone else who I actually fancied - I’d been looking for about 20 years already and he hadn’t shown up, so the odds of him appearing in the next couple of years were pretty small. I figured my choice was to settle for this guy and have kids and a house and a supportive partner, or end up with nobody and nothing.

Anyway it turns out that attraction doesn’t matter once you have kids and turn 40. You’ll be stuck on the treadmill of doing the school run, going to work, cooking dinner then putting kids to bed every night and falling asleep exhausted. Not to mention that you start to have health problems. At that point it doesn’t matter whether you fancy him. What matters is whether he looks after you when you have surgery to fix birth injuries, does his share of parenting so you can have a break, stands by you when you have suspected breast cancer and have to go for a mammogram, does the housework when you have muscle pains from menopause, isn’t grossed out when you cough and piss yourself because your pelvic floor is fucked, pays the bills when you get made redundant, and everything else which is way more important and valuable than just sex or fancying someone.

I have been with my dh 18 years now ,no.we are not ripping each others clothes off and swinging from the chandeliers with desire any more ,but I do love him and him me and we get on well,and have been through some tough times and stuck together
but the Op.doesn't even seem to.like the man she's saying or have anything in common with him at two months in there doesn't seem any point in pursuing this.

x2boys · 05/02/2023 13:51

She's seeing "

Blagdoon · 05/02/2023 13:51

EmmaDilemma5 · 05/02/2023 13:40

That's all true to an extent. But I don't agree.

I think even with all of that, if aren't attracted to each other, the relationship can feel pretty lonely.

Show quote history

Lonely with someone to look after you when you need support, is better than being completely alone. And kids with someone you don’t love is better than no kids at all.

Let’s face it, if you can’t find an attractive man in your twenties you certainly aren’t going to snag one when you’re mid 30s or pushing 40! And if you’ve been looking for 20 years it’s not likely that Mr Right will waltz into your life at the last minute before your eggs go out of date. Sometimes you have to acknowledge that it ain’t gonna happen and settle for what you can get!

x2boys · 05/02/2023 13:56

Blagdoon · 05/02/2023 13:51

Lonely with someone to look after you when you need support, is better than being completely alone. And kids with someone you don’t love is better than no kids at all.

Let’s face it, if you can’t find an attractive man in your twenties you certainly aren’t going to snag one when you’re mid 30s or pushing 40! And if you’ve been looking for 20 years it’s not likely that Mr Right will waltz into your life at the last minute before your eggs go out of date. Sometimes you have to acknowledge that it ain’t gonna happen and settle for what you can get!

Show quote history

Surely you have to.at least like them and get on with them and have things in common ,which the op appears to.have none.of and she's only31 ,she might not find Mr,wonderful ,but there appears to be zero connection with the man she's saying she can do better than that.

x2boys · 05/02/2023 13:57

Dating*

Rainbowshit · 05/02/2023 13:59

Lonely with someone to look after you when you need support, is better than being completely alone. And kids with someone you don’t love is better than no kids at all.

Let’s face it, if you can’t find an attractive man in your twenties you certainly aren’t going to snag one when you’re mid 30s or pushing 40! And if you’ve been looking for 20 years it’s not likely that Mr Right will waltz into your life at the last minute before your eggs go out of date. Sometimes you have to acknowledge that it ain’t gonna happen and settle for what you can get!

This is just utter nonsense. Plenty of people find partners they fancy the pants off at any and every age. Are you quite young?

Blagdoon · 05/02/2023 14:02

She said he’s nice and he ticks the boxes. She’s got maybe five years to start trying for a baby, or possibly only three years if she wants two kids. As my Gran used to say, you get a lot of good looking losers, and a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. Which brings me back to my original point - it depends what your priorities are. Love and sex, or kids and security?

PrincessMyshkin · 05/02/2023 14:03

I don't get the impression this is only about fancying him physically or not. OP says that she doesn't really even look forward to seeing him. That is not a good sign. I've met men online who I've not fancied but really enjoyed their company and looked forward to seeing for the few dates I've given it to see whether any sparks happen. It sounds like it's more about common ground and being on the same wavelength. I feel like you could potentially build on that but not if there wasn't even that ease.

arethereanyleftatall · 05/02/2023 14:04

Or @Blagdoon, you revel in the joy and peace and freedom of going it alone, with friends and family who you actually like to help you if needed?

arethereanyleftatall · 05/02/2023 14:05

And just read your second post @Blagdoon.
I disagree completely, I'd rather be single.

DisappearingGirl · 05/02/2023 14:09

Blagdoon I get what you're saying but I think there's a middle ground here.

By all means be realistic and don't wait around for Mr Perfect.

But I'd at least want my partner to be someone I enjoy spending time with and have something in common with.

JessicaFletcherscrewnecksweater · 05/02/2023 14:11

Don’t subject yourself to it. I’ve got a bit of ick just trying to imagine it.

cilary · 05/02/2023 14:11

Sounds like he feels the same so move on.

Blagdoon · 05/02/2023 14:14

Rainbowshit · 05/02/2023 13:59

Lonely with someone to look after you when you need support, is better than being completely alone. And kids with someone you don’t love is better than no kids at all.

Let’s face it, if you can’t find an attractive man in your twenties you certainly aren’t going to snag one when you’re mid 30s or pushing 40! And if you’ve been looking for 20 years it’s not likely that Mr Right will waltz into your life at the last minute before your eggs go out of date. Sometimes you have to acknowledge that it ain’t gonna happen and settle for what you can get!

This is just utter nonsense. Plenty of people find partners they fancy the pants off at any and every age. Are you quite young?

No I am old! Old enough to know that once you have kids your daily life is “childcare, work, childcare, pass out exhausted”. And your weekends are laundry and housework. You need support to deal with the burden, not romance.

x2boys · 05/02/2023 14:15

Blagdoon · 05/02/2023 14:02

She said he’s nice and he ticks the boxes. She’s got maybe five years to start trying for a baby, or possibly only three years if she wants two kids. As my Gran used to say, you get a lot of good looking losers, and a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. Which brings me back to my original point - it depends what your priorities are. Love and sex, or kids and security?

I was once in a,similar position to.the Op.,I was dating( only for three months) a man I didn't find myself attracted.to but seemed quite besotted with me ,he was a nice man but he began to.irritate me and the more he tried the more it put me off ,I couldn't bring my self to have sex with him and I have had one night stand,s etc
I really couldnt.have settled with him
I.did meet my dh when I was 31 and there was an instant attraction but most importantly I could talk to him for hours and we had similar interest,s
we have had tough times and physical intimacy is something we need to.work on but we do love and care about each other .

Blagdoon · 05/02/2023 14:17

arethereanyleftatall · 05/02/2023 14:04

Or @Blagdoon, you revel in the joy and peace and freedom of going it alone, with friends and family who you actually like to help you if needed?

Well I don’t have any friends or family who would do regular childcare and half of my housework. And they certainly wouldn’t pay half of my mortgage or half the cost of raising my child! Most people need a partner to be able to have a nice house and kids.

Justalittlebitduckling · 05/02/2023 14:21

Chemistry is real. Pheromones and all that. I could always tell whether I fancied someone within seconds. I think it’s quite biological.