Page 3 | To just not fancy him?

JustOneMoreBiscuitPlease · 2023-02-05T11:18:11+00:00

Been dating this guy casually for nearly two months, meeting up once or twice a week for drinks/meals/cinema/trips into London to wander. We met through OLD. I’m 31, he’s 32 and both were clear in our profiles that we were looking for something long-term and serious. He a nice guy and treats me well. Always offers to pay although I never let him. We haven’t DTD nor even been to each other’s places and he has never pushed anything. He has a reasonable job, his own flat and car. I’ve been looking to meet someone for a while now and on paper he ticks all the major boxes. You’d think this would be a dream come true, right? Yet honestly, I’m just not into him. Don’t fancy him, don’t feel at all excited about him, don’t much like snogging him and don’t have any desire to go any further. I don’t even particularly look forward to seeing him if I’m honest. I keep going through the motions hoping that perhaps something might click and because well… this is what I always said I wanted, right? All my friends and family have been so excited for me that I’ve met someone at last. Two months in though, is this likely to change? It’s starting to feel unfair to him now that I’m stringing him along like this when I’m not really feeling it. Things have reached a point now where it feels like we should either we taking things to a new level (dinner at our own places, introducing friends, getting more physical, etc.) or parting ways. The former just isn’t appealing. AIBU to end this do you think?

arethereanyleftatall · 05/02/2023 14:25

Again, these are choices @Blagdoon
Other people make different choices.
Marriage and kids isn't the only path through life. And it certainly doesn't result in happiness if your posts are anything to go by, as you are describing your life to sound utterly miserable. My sister is single (on and off 😂), child free, and living a dream life - travels where she wants, awesome career etc

rafanadalsarms · 05/02/2023 14:35

What struck me is that you don't look forward to seeing him. The conversation doesn't flow and it's just small talk. I think when you find someone's personality attractive then the physical attraction can come from this. I have many times in the past been attracted to someone that would never work on paper just because they made me laugh (which is a rarity for me as not many people make me laugh)

MaybeSmaller · 05/02/2023 14:36

It sounds like you've made a platonic friend that you have a snog with but nothing more. You aren't suddenly going to find him smoking hot after 3/4/5 months - it never really works like that. And it sounds like the feeling is mutual if he hasn't tried to take things further with you either.

x2boys · 05/02/2023 14:37

arethereanyleftatall · 05/02/2023 14:25

Again, these are choices @Blagdoon
Other people make different choices.
Marriage and kids isn't the only path through life. And it certainly doesn't result in happiness if your posts are anything to go by, as you are describing your life to sound utterly miserable. My sister is single (on and off 😂), child free, and living a dream life - travels where she wants, awesome career etc

Tbf,@Blagdoon did say she wanted security and kids
if your sister doesn't of course it's a choice but just like having kids isn't for everyone , for those that do.want them it might be quite hard if this never happens .

x2boys · 05/02/2023 14:38

Of course it's a valid life choice**

reddwarfgeek · 05/02/2023 15:16

I've been there. I ended going out with a guy in my 20s. I didn't fancy him at all. He was a friend, I kissed him when drunk and as he was such a lovely person I really wanted to fancy him but I just didn't. Having sex with him was not good. I acted like I was out of his league, was a bit of a dick with him etc. It ended up going on for nearly 2 years before I ended it.
Guess what? He ended up meeting a girl much more attractive than me very soon afterwards and marrying her, they seem blissfully happy 12 years later.
It was the right thing to do to let him find someone who was right for him.

You are still plenty young enough to find someone who wants marriage, children etc (if that's what you want).
You should definitely be looking forward to dates with this guy at 2 months in. From what you've said I'm wondering if he is feeling the same. This is no good for either of you. Let him go.

Original poster

JustOneMoreBiscuitPlease · 05/02/2023 16:02

Aaarrggh, I just don’t know! I was actually wondering before I wrote this post whether this situation signifies a problem with me deep down. Whether I am asexual or at some level fearful of intimacy, commitment and the sort of relationship I say I want. So I’m really glad that none of your replies have suggested anything like this.

In fairness I have had two long-term relationships in the past where there was a definite spark which there really isn’t here. We quickly developed little private jokes, found ourselves mutually rolling our eyes at the same things and just somehow ‘got’ each other. In this present relationship there is none of that. It’s all very superficial and mannered.

The guy is quite shy and introverted and I definitely think he’d like things to go further but is waiting for more cues than me. ‘Cos to be fair I haven’t been giving them at all.

Just before Xmas we spent the day in London together. He would have been up for spending the evening together too but this felt like too much to me so early on in a relationship (especially one I wasn’t sure about), so I told a white lie and said I was babysitting. He wanted me to call him once the children were asleep. We’d started to run out of conversation after a whole day together and I couldn’t imagine what on earth we’d talk about. I’m sure he wouldn’t be the type to turn to sex talk, probably more likely an inane discussion about what he’d just had for his tea. He doesn’t have a lot of conversation and it mainly has to be led by me. So I told another white lie and said I forgot my phone.

OP posts:

CambsAlways · 05/02/2023 16:04

Do the right thing and move on , you both deserve more

YukoandHiro · 05/02/2023 16:05

Don't settle. You'll get the ick and be depressed.

bonzaitree · 05/02/2023 16:09

Finding a partner isn’t a tick box exercise.

goldenbag · 05/02/2023 16:18

I'd ring him this afternoon and finish it.

SweetSenorita · 05/02/2023 16:19

Blagdoon · 05/02/2023 13:36

I settled for someone like that in my 30s because I wanted a house and kids, neither of which I could have on my own. Depends what your priorities are I suppose?

I don’t think I would have met someone else who I actually fancied - I’d been looking for about 20 years already and he hadn’t shown up, so the odds of him appearing in the next couple of years were pretty small. I figured my choice was to settle for this guy and have kids and a house and a supportive partner, or end up with nobody and nothing.

Anyway it turns out that attraction doesn’t matter once you have kids and turn 40. You’ll be stuck on the treadmill of doing the school run, going to work, cooking dinner then putting kids to bed every night and falling asleep exhausted. Not to mention that you start to have health problems. At that point it doesn’t matter whether you fancy him. What matters is whether he looks after you when you have surgery to fix birth injuries, does his share of parenting so you can have a break, stands by you when you have suspected breast cancer and have to go for a mammogram, does the housework when you have muscle pains from menopause, isn’t grossed out when you cough and piss yourself because your pelvic floor is fucked, pays the bills when you get made redundant, and everything else which is way more important and valuable than just sex or fancying someone.

Each to her own but ...... there's nothing about this that I agree with 😚

Springbreakwoohoo · 05/02/2023 16:33

I think you know deep down that this isn’t the man for you. Yes it’s great to have someone reliable and who looks after you etc. but there has to be a great foundation to stay the course through thick and thin.
I fell deeply in love with my DH well into my 30s and all my other romantic relationships paled into insignificance. 25 years later we’re not in each others pants all the time but I still get that buzz whenever I see him.

Every minute you waste with someone you’re not bothered about, is a minute taken from being with someone you love (or even just yourself).

NocturnalClocks · 05/02/2023 20:40

Blagdoon · 05/02/2023 13:36

I settled for someone like that in my 30s because I wanted a house and kids, neither of which I could have on my own. Depends what your priorities are I suppose?

I don’t think I would have met someone else who I actually fancied - I’d been looking for about 20 years already and he hadn’t shown up, so the odds of him appearing in the next couple of years were pretty small. I figured my choice was to settle for this guy and have kids and a house and a supportive partner, or end up with nobody and nothing.

Anyway it turns out that attraction doesn’t matter once you have kids and turn 40. You’ll be stuck on the treadmill of doing the school run, going to work, cooking dinner then putting kids to bed every night and falling asleep exhausted. Not to mention that you start to have health problems. At that point it doesn’t matter whether you fancy him. What matters is whether he looks after you when you have surgery to fix birth injuries, does his share of parenting so you can have a break, stands by you when you have suspected breast cancer and have to go for a mammogram, does the housework when you have muscle pains from menopause, isn’t grossed out when you cough and piss yourself because your pelvic floor is fucked, pays the bills when you get made redundant, and everything else which is way more important and valuable than just sex or fancying someone.

Wow. And does he know that you feel that way: that you "settled for him"? That you never really loved him as a person or felt attracted to him? If so and he chose this too then fair enough, but how sad. But if not, thwn you have been very unkind to him, using him as a means to get a life you wanted.

WaddleAway · 05/02/2023 20:50

Blagdoon · 05/02/2023 14:14

No I am old! Old enough to know that once you have kids your daily life is “childcare, work, childcare, pass out exhausted”. And your weekends are laundry and housework. You need support to deal with the burden, not romance.

Show quote history

Bloody hell, I have three children including one who is disabled and that doesn’t describe my life at all, thankfully. DH and I still have fun together, go out and do nice things together when we have the chance, have good sex. I can’t imagine going through all this with someone I don’t fancy and don’t feel a proper connection with. Each to their own I guess.
OP, I’m sure you’ve realised by now that you need to finish it. You’re wasting his time. Although to be honest it sounds like the feeling may be mutual if he isn’t trying to take the relationship to the next step, so you might find he’s relieved.

NocturnalClocks · 05/02/2023 21:18

Let’s face it, if you can’t find an attractive man in your twenties you certainly aren’t going to snag one when you’re mid 30s or pushing 40! And if you’ve been looking for 20 years it’s not likely that Mr Right will waltz into your life at the last minute before your eggs go out of date. Sometimes you have to acknowledge that it ain’t gonna happen and settle for what you can get!

🤣🤣🤣

What on Earth?

Did you just timehop from the 17th century?

Ziggyzagg · 05/02/2023 21:39

@EmmaDilemma5 how bloody depressing is that?!! Op you need someone who you’re going to have a good sex life with too, and that won’t really happen if you don’t fancy them and don’t have that spark! Just think how much more mundane the having kids and tiring times will be if you can’t enjoy the odd few moments you get together!!

If you haven’t DTD by now then it sounds like you’re not really into each other. Just tell him you don’t feel the spark, sorry, let’s be friends….but then don’t be!

Have you not met ANY men you fancy in the last few years, even if they weren’t available?! That seems a bit strange if that’s the case….

everlovelyjewel · 05/02/2023 21:41

why are you wasting his time stringing him along like this?

Thepeopleversuswork · 05/02/2023 21:46

I find @Blagdoon’s perspective incredibly depressing.

Yeah obviously a spouse or partner should above all be kind and supportive. But what on earth is the point of being with someone you neither like nor fancy? You would be a million times happier alone.

WaddleAway · 05/02/2023 21:47

@Blagdoon does your husband know you settled for him and that you don’t fancy him?

Qwertyqueen1 · 15/08/2023 17:22

You say you want something long term and serious, do you see yourself being long term and serious, potentially married and kids with this guy? If there’s no sexual attraction now I doubt there ever will be and a relationship without sexual attraction would just be a friendship. If that’s something you’re ok with for your future then ok, but I think as women we have a deep desire of intimacy and eventually would hate to be in that sort of dynamic of not feeling any attraction. sounds like he might be feeling the same which makes me want to question do u want to be long term with a man that doesn’t want to rip your clothes off 😂