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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is a 'spoilt' attitude ?

57 replies

lornmower · 04/02/2023 22:45

I dropped out of an A level course completely at 17 then took 2 jobs - 1 in an office and one in a sports centre. When I was 18 I decided to go back to college - do A Levels but different subjects. So I started A levels in the September before I turned 19 rather than the Sept before I turned 17 iyswim.
A week before I was due to start my A level course the A level results came out for what would have been my year group. My mum went to church the Sunday post A level results - a church where some of my school friends went - and came back - I'd stayed at home - saying

" in the church service congratulations for A level passes were announced - how do you think I felt that you dropped out of school.

This made me feel shit I mean FFS! I was about to re-enter higher education but tbh even if not - a parent can't take for granted their child will go A levels - you can't keep getting at your child for this ! Y

OP posts:
KarmaStar · 04/02/2023 22:52

I don't see it as a spoilt attitude.
Your mum obviously didn't understand why you dropped out,maybe go for a coffee with her and both talk frankly and kindly to try and understand each other more ?
I hope you can sort it out.

Hellocatshome · 04/02/2023 22:56

Its not spoilt but it is selfish. How long ago was this and why is it bothering you now?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 04/02/2023 22:57

I’d go for selfish rather than spoilt too. Or solipsistic maybe?

SNWannabe · 04/02/2023 22:59

Why didn’t you say “no, I’m not sure how you felt about it?” And discussed it… parents often feel expectations on them as successful parents, and so their child not doing x y or z makes them feel a failure… I don’t think that’s spoilt, just a little bit self
centred… but you could open a discussion to share your feelings more. Like why didn’t you do A levels and what made you drop out? And how you were feeling about starting the course. And maybe understand how your mum felt too…

anya21 · 04/02/2023 23:00

I don't think you understand what spoilt (sic) means!
I can understand you feeling a little put out by her comment though . Why did you drop out of your first A level course, and will you be able to get funding for 2 years starting at age 19?

Luredbyapomegranate · 04/02/2023 23:00

How it is spoilt? It’s tactless certainly but it’s frustrating for parents when kids they have high hopes for don’t finish their schooling. That’s not an excuse for what she said, but it may well have come from worrying. I am sure she is very pleased you are going back, but perhaps worried you will stick it.

This happened in the summer presumably? In which case it’s time to get over it.

RandomMess · 04/02/2023 23:01

It's selfish and egotistical to only think of oneself as if they are the main player in someone else's achievement or failure.

Typical of a narcissist.

TheOriginalEmu · 04/02/2023 23:01

It’s definitely a shit attitude. Maybe spoilt is the wrong word, but talk about making it all about her.

Saz12 · 04/02/2023 23:04

So - she knew you have the ability to do well academically. You chose not to. She finds that frustrating.

Im not seeing how either of you aes “baddies” here. You had your reasons to quit. She had her reasons to think you could’ve ridden it out. Meh.

JudgeRudy · 04/02/2023 23:05

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 04/02/2023 22:57

I’d go for selfish rather than spoilt too. Or solipsistic maybe?

Ow, learnt a new word. Yes solipsistic sounds accurate. Maybe this word will become the MN new favorite instead of narcissistic for everything (subtle difference)

Eyerollcentral · 04/02/2023 23:12

YAB Massively unreasonable. Of course your mother said that. The only spoilt sounding person here is you.

IDontWantToBeAPie · 04/02/2023 23:30

She was rude but most parents wouldn't understand why you'd drop out

Original poster
lornmower · 05/02/2023 05:21

Thanks to everyone who contributed and sorry for typos - I literally fell asleep straight after posting!
This isn't current - happened several years ago. I dropped out 'cos I was doing badly in the subjects I was studying then studied much more suitable subjects. I'm exploring it now as it's part of a bigger picture of my mum's behaviour throughout my childhood

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 05/02/2023 05:24

That’s fair enough but tbh I think any parent would feel like your mum did and I don’t think it sounds like it was expressed to you especially harshly. That said in the context of a wider view of a poor relationship with your mum I can understand why something like this might hit you harder.

Original poster
lornmower · 05/02/2023 05:27

Thanks @Eyerollcentral - it's the "how do you think IIIII feel" thing I suppose

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 05/02/2023 05:36

I totally get that. When it’s your life but it’s allll about how bad it is for your mum. Good luck with the unpacking, hope you come out the other end with some answers

Blagdoon · 05/02/2023 05:38

Your mum is clearly one of those people who has to make everything about her. I’m sure you can think of other examples of when she’s done this. My mum is the same. When I had depression she was all “why are you doing this to me?”. Me me me.

Original poster
lornmower · 05/02/2023 05:44

Thanks @Eyerollcentral - thing is I was an only child who as a child desperately wanted siblings - now my attitude to that changed though - I don't wish I'd had siblings now but I wished I'd had good 'only child' role models. Anyway up until I was 8 I always used to ask for a brother or sister until one day my mum shit me down very sharply. I never complained again even thougb I still desperately wanted a sibling. Thing is - I learnt at 8 that you can't complain about things like this - you've just got to get on with it. My mum was 60 when she said this and - I learnt at 8 not to complain about this !

OP posts:
Original poster
lornmower · 05/02/2023 05:45

Obviously shut*** me down not shit me down omg what a typo! Grin

OP posts:
Josette77 · 05/02/2023 06:39

I think that was probably hard for her to have you continually ask for a sibling.

Blagdoon · 05/02/2023 06:43

lornmower · 05/02/2023 05:44

Thanks @Eyerollcentral - thing is I was an only child who as a child desperately wanted siblings - now my attitude to that changed though - I don't wish I'd had siblings now but I wished I'd had good 'only child' role models. Anyway up until I was 8 I always used to ask for a brother or sister until one day my mum shit me down very sharply. I never complained again even thougb I still desperately wanted a sibling. Thing is - I learnt at 8 that you can't complain about things like this - you've just got to get on with it. My mum was 60 when she said this and - I learnt at 8 not to complain about this !

That isn’t unreasonable. I can see how that would be upsetting for her. There are any number of reasons why she couldn’t have a second baby, and an 8yo couldn’t possibly understand. What was she supposed to do, tell you your Dad had a low sperm count or she was in early menopause, or whatever the reason was? Of course she shut you down sharply.

Original poster
lornmower · 05/02/2023 06:52

Josette77 · 05/02/2023 06:39

I think that was probably hard for her to have you continually ask for a sibling.

Yes I completely agree. However, realistically, she was an adult. If your child has left school but is just about to go back to college though - you shouldn't complain it imo. I know she's disappointed- but then surely she's learnt that she can't get what she wants

OP posts:
donttellmehesalive · 05/02/2023 06:53

I don't think you can be critical of her shutting you down for wanting a sibling. You were constantly asking and presumably told no every time until the time you remember her being sharp. There could have been many reasons why there wouldn't be a sibling, which you must realise now that you are an adult.

The A level comment wasn't great. I'm sure lots of parents feel secretly disappointed by some of their dc's decisions but have the sense to stay quiet. The trouble is that parents are only human and sometimes make mistakes. Haven't you ever said anything thoughtless or hurtful and regretted it after?

whiteroseredrose · 05/02/2023 06:56

I think, by 8, if you'd asked for a sibling many times and told no, I probably get a bit sharp too. It might have been upsetting for her. I don't know how old your DC are, but it is very annoying when DC go on and on despite being told no.

But yes, her response to the A Level announcement was self centred rather than spoilt. She felt your dropping out reflected on her. I don't think it's uncommon.

My aunt did that to my cousin. He and now DW wanted a quiet wedding but whenever it was raised, my aunt had lots of friends she wanted to invite. So they eloped and married on a beach in Hawaii. My aunt's first words were 'what about meeee?' Totally blind to the anxiety her DIL had about big events. It's all about her.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 05/02/2023 06:56

lornmower · 05/02/2023 05:44

Thanks @Eyerollcentral - thing is I was an only child who as a child desperately wanted siblings - now my attitude to that changed though - I don't wish I'd had siblings now but I wished I'd had good 'only child' role models. Anyway up until I was 8 I always used to ask for a brother or sister until one day my mum shit me down very sharply. I never complained again even thougb I still desperately wanted a sibling. Thing is - I learnt at 8 that you can't complain about things like this - you've just got to get on with it. My mum was 60 when she said this and - I learnt at 8 not to complain about this !

Well of course you had to learn that you needed to get on with it. Your mum wasn't just going to give you a sibling because you wanted one. It was right of her to shut it down.