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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is a 'spoilt' attitude ?

57 replies

lornmower · 04/02/2023 22:45

I dropped out of an A level course completely at 17 then took 2 jobs - 1 in an office and one in a sports centre. When I was 18 I decided to go back to college - do A Levels but different subjects. So I started A levels in the September before I turned 19 rather than the Sept before I turned 17 iyswim.
A week before I was due to start my A level course the A level results came out for what would have been my year group. My mum went to church the Sunday post A level results - a church where some of my school friends went - and came back - I'd stayed at home - saying

" in the church service congratulations for A level passes were announced - how do you think I felt that you dropped out of school.

This made me feel shit I mean FFS! I was about to re-enter higher education but tbh even if not - a parent can't take for granted their child will go A levels - you can't keep getting at your child for this ! Y

OP posts:
Original poster
lornmower · 05/02/2023 07:01

donttellmehesalive · 05/02/2023 06:53

I don't think you can be critical of her shutting you down for wanting a sibling. You were constantly asking and presumably told no every time until the time you remember her being sharp. There could have been many reasons why there wouldn't be a sibling, which you must realise now that you are an adult.

The A level comment wasn't great. I'm sure lots of parents feel secretly disappointed by some of their dc's decisions but have the sense to stay quiet. The trouble is that parents are only human and sometimes make mistakes. Haven't you ever said anything thoughtless or hurtful and regretted it after?

Yes I agree but if she was just matter of fact about the sibling issue with me it would have been better - instead it made it - the holy grail for me iyswim. Truth is, as an adult I see that while siblings can potentially be great and supportive - they're not the holy grail - what's more important than siblings is your own character at the end of the day - after all you can't guarantee siblings will always be there - even if you get in well - they may emigrate to a distant country for better opportunities- and even though you've got a sibling - on a day to day basis - you may be left on your own iyswim. If she explained mattered of factlly that siblings while potentially a good thing aren't the holy grail - your character's more important as you'll always have that - it would've been much better

OP posts:
Original poster
lornmower · 05/02/2023 07:03

whiteroseredrose · 05/02/2023 06:56

I think, by 8, if you'd asked for a sibling many times and told no, I probably get a bit sharp too. It might have been upsetting for her. I don't know how old your DC are, but it is very annoying when DC go on and on despite being told no.

But yes, her response to the A Level announcement was self centred rather than spoilt. She felt your dropping out reflected on her. I don't think it's uncommon.

My aunt did that to my cousin. He and now DW wanted a quiet wedding but whenever it was raised, my aunt had lots of friends she wanted to invite. So they eloped and married on a beach in Hawaii. My aunt's first words were 'what about meeee?' Totally blind to the anxiety her DIL had about big events. It's all about her.

Fair enough yes - I agree with everything you've said here.

OP posts:
mellongoose · 05/02/2023 07:09

My 8yo doesn't have a sibling because her little sister died before she was born. I thank God every day that she seems to not want a sibling in the same way as I wouldn't know how to explain all that to her and to express that I was too terrified of going through it again so didn't get pregnant. Please be kind to your mum on this as you might not know what she's been through.

The A Level thing is a bit "keeping up with the Jones'". Is she proud of you now? I bet she is 😊

Original poster
lornmower · 05/02/2023 07:13

mellongoose · 05/02/2023 07:09

My 8yo doesn't have a sibling because her little sister died before she was born. I thank God every day that she seems to not want a sibling in the same way as I wouldn't know how to explain all that to her and to express that I was too terrified of going through it again so didn't get pregnant. Please be kind to your mum on this as you might not know what she's been through.

The A Level thing is a bit "keeping up with the Jones'". Is she proud of you now? I bet she is 😊

Ah sorry for your loss. That's the thing - I think now that being an only child is potentially brilliant if you have good parenting but at the time my mother was prone to being aggressive and hitting the bottle. I don't honestly know if she's proud of me now !

OP posts:
Original poster
lornmower · 05/02/2023 07:15

mellongoose · 05/02/2023 07:09

My 8yo doesn't have a sibling because her little sister died before she was born. I thank God every day that she seems to not want a sibling in the same way as I wouldn't know how to explain all that to her and to express that I was too terrified of going through it again so didn't get pregnant. Please be kind to your mum on this as you might not know what she's been through.

The A Level thing is a bit "keeping up with the Jones'". Is she proud of you now? I bet she is 😊

Just to elaborate on the being proud thing - when I bought a house with my ex a while back she said if you announce you're pregnant- I'll emigrate !! This was a while back

OP posts:
PotatoFacedWombat · 05/02/2023 07:17

I have no idea what your story or background is, but the examples you've posted don't really warrant much of your attention, especially if it happened a few years ago. The A Level comment was a bit much, but then it may have been that she'd worried a lot about you dropping out, and was concerned that you may do it again. The sibling thing is completely understandable. It sounds from your post that you were expecting perfect parenting from her, and it doesn't exist.

You may well supply a massive drip feed here, but in many many years of parenting, if these examples are the pinnacle of what you can find to judge her on, she's done well.

Keepyourmummysboys · 05/02/2023 07:25

How come you don’t get how hard it can be asking for a sibling, now you’re an adult `?

and I don’t think spoiled means what you think it means.

overall you are not covering yourself in glory here

Original poster
lornmower · 05/02/2023 07:31

Keepyourmummysboys · 05/02/2023 07:25

How come you don’t get how hard it can be asking for a sibling, now you’re an adult `?

and I don’t think spoiled means what you think it means.

overall you are not covering yourself in glory here

No actually I do see that the sibling topic is a very sensitive difficult issue

OP posts:
Original poster
lornmower · 05/02/2023 07:33

PotatoFacedWombat · 05/02/2023 07:17

I have no idea what your story or background is, but the examples you've posted don't really warrant much of your attention, especially if it happened a few years ago. The A Level comment was a bit much, but then it may have been that she'd worried a lot about you dropping out, and was concerned that you may do it again. The sibling thing is completely understandable. It sounds from your post that you were expecting perfect parenting from her, and it doesn't exist.

You may well supply a massive drip feed here, but in many many years of parenting, if these examples are the pinnacle of what you can find to judge her on, she's done well.

My background is there were examples of worse abuse than this but j just wanted independent issues on this particular example

OP posts:
Original poster
lornmower · 05/02/2023 07:34

Sorry for typo independent opinions* not issues

OP posts:
IhearyouClemFandango · 05/02/2023 07:42

lornmower · 05/02/2023 05:44

Thanks @Eyerollcentral - thing is I was an only child who as a child desperately wanted siblings - now my attitude to that changed though - I don't wish I'd had siblings now but I wished I'd had good 'only child' role models. Anyway up until I was 8 I always used to ask for a brother or sister until one day my mum shit me down very sharply. I never complained again even thougb I still desperately wanted a sibling. Thing is - I learnt at 8 that you can't complain about things like this - you've just got to get on with it. My mum was 60 when she said this and - I learnt at 8 not to complain about this !

The two things are not remotely the same.

I can only assume that this is part of a much bigger picture, because otherwise a parent saying how disappointed/hard they found it that their capable child dropped out of education is the polar opposite of being nagged for something as potentially out of her control as a sibling.

The fact you still conflate the two as an adult makes me judge your assessment of the issues tbh.

IhearyouClemFandango · 05/02/2023 07:43

And spoilt does not mean what you think it does.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 05/02/2023 07:46

It is selfish and I think stems from seeing children as extensions of themselves rather than individuals.

Original poster
lornmower · 05/02/2023 07:50

LivingDeadGirlUK · 05/02/2023 07:46

It is selfish and I think stems from seeing children as extensions of themselves rather than individuals.

Agreed

OP posts:
EthicalNonMahogany · 05/02/2023 10:38

I'm sorry you have had a childhood that on some level hasn't left you feeling secure and unconditionally loved. It's rough. Sounds like you're working through that in therapy which sounds great - I applaud your hard work in going for some more insight that will help you.

It sounds from your messages that you're going through quite an early stage of therapy, reflection on your life, and you need validation that some things that happened to you weren't OK. It's an important stage - you're finding the tantrummy anger we all need to find as part of us says Me Me I am Important. Yes, the thing your mum said about your A levels was unskilful. It centered her not you. It didn't show care for you. Sounds like it was part of a pattern of things that she did where you felt your needs and emotions were sidelined.

The next bit of therapy will be the part where you grieve that you didn't quite have those needs met, and find ways to soothe yourself now in the present - and then the anger with your mum will probably subside. And you won't be so quick to label anyone spoilt - (which is a whole framing of the world that judges people for meeting their needs in different ways). Instead you will be able to set out your needs, and neither demand they are met, nor roll over and put up with people ignoring you. A nice balance. Good luck!

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 05/02/2023 11:10

My mum told me that my teen years (fraught with trauma and abuse,some at her hands) were traumatic for HER.Grin

No, I didn't sympathise and yes, I'm still pissy about it.

drpet49 · 05/02/2023 11:12

Saz12 · 04/02/2023 23:04

So - she knew you have the ability to do well academically. You chose not to. She finds that frustrating.

Im not seeing how either of you aes “baddies” here. You had your reasons to quit. She had her reasons to think you could’ve ridden it out. Meh.

This

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 05/02/2023 12:56

I honestly can't see anything wrong with what your mom has done. She doesn't have to tell you why she didn't have any more children. And as you were a young child it was appropriate for her not to tell you the reason. Not sure what you mean about a role model for a single child? There are plenty of families with one child.

The comment that she was upset seeing all your peers being congratulated on their A-levels is ok too. She's allowed to want better for you!

Perhaps she's not the best communicator but that doesn't make her a bad mom. We obviously don't know the background to any of this... but the examples you've given just look like normal family life from where I'm sitting.

OnGoldenPond · 05/02/2023 14:04

lornmower · 05/02/2023 05:21

Thanks to everyone who contributed and sorry for typos - I literally fell asleep straight after posting!
This isn't current - happened several years ago. I dropped out 'cos I was doing badly in the subjects I was studying then studied much more suitable subjects. I'm exploring it now as it's part of a bigger picture of my mum's behaviour throughout my childhood

Based on this update you did absolutely the right thing dropping out of the subjects that weren't working for you, taking a bit of time out then starting again with subjects that suited better. I bet you did so much better when you started again.

You made some very mature decisions at a young age. I wish I had had the sense to do similar but I just pushed on with the unsuitable subjects.

If I was your Mum I would have been happy that you were going back to education with a proactive, positive approach and proud that you had the good sense to make the right decision for you. Your Mum was being very self centred in a situation where a good parent should be supporting their child to find the right path for them and stuff what anyone else thought. I feel quite angry with her on your behalf.

I hope things have worked out well for you Flowers

OnGoldenPond · 05/02/2023 14:10

Josette77 · 05/02/2023 06:39

I think that was probably hard for her to have you continually ask for a sibling.

Yes but young kids often do that, you can't take it to heart. My DD at a similar age went through a phase of constantly begging me to provide her with a baby sister (the baby brother she had was just not doing it for her Grin) . She even went as far as telling her class teacher that I was having twins - that was an interesting end of school pick up conversation!

I just laughed, she was only a kid!

OnGoldenPond · 05/02/2023 14:13

Oh, and the reason that a new baby was really out of the question was that I went into menopause at 40, but my DD wasn't to know so I didn't take it out on her.

CatSpeakForDummies · 05/02/2023 14:24

It's good that you learned at 8 that you couldn't have everything you wanted and that things like siblings weren't just toys you pick up in a shop. That not everything is under their control. It's good you were taught to stop nagging your parents when they had said no. These are real life lessons that children need to learn, it isn't cruelty.

You state as if this was a traumatic lesson to learn - what on earth can you see as the alternative? Ten more years unrealistically imagining a sister and going on about if?

Riverlee · 05/02/2023 14:29

It definantly was unsupportive of her.

To be honest, she should be more proud of you deciding to go back to college after working for two years. That shows commitment and maturity.

ArmchairAnarchist2 · 05/02/2023 14:41

I don't know if it's already been pointed out but you weren't a child when she said it.

antipodeancanary · 05/02/2023 14:50

lornmower · 05/02/2023 07:15

Just to elaborate on the being proud thing - when I bought a house with my ex a while back she said if you announce you're pregnant- I'll emigrate !! This was a while back

Show quote history

Honestly it sounds to me like she is sick to the back teeth of you making poor choices. She anticipated you being on the verge of making yet another one and wanted nothing to do with it.