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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to know if my mother is still alive?

74 replies

LoveMyPiano · 04/02/2023 19:16

There is a lot of backstory - but I don't want to write a long essay /bore anyone....
I have not seen or heard from her since 2015/6 (not sure which, to be honest), when she was so cruel that even this masochist couldn't keep trying.
She has other children who she prefers - and I am working my way through them to find out how she is; but I don't even have proper contact details for them either....
So far -
Her stepson - who I thought I had the correct address for. I wrote a simple card before Christmas, but heard nothing.
As I said, I am not sure of his correct address, and can only find online the one I used.
My sister (we have a troubled "relationship" - not seen or spoken to her - he decision, I think - since 2016 either - she has a bad relationship with her mother - but there IS a relationship I think). Last week, I used the address of an Accountant who is listed as a Director on one of the companies that are listed for my sister and her husband, asking them to forward. I didn't go into anything in the covering letter - but non-one is so far away or out of contact that they cannot be contacted by some means. They lived only 8 miles from me when I saw her, but could quite easily have moved.
No reply from this either.

This leaves the Golden Child daughter (of mother and her now dead husband) - and who mother lived with in granny flat until I think 2017. But I don't really have a clue where she is/they are now.

I know it's messy - and I can't be mad that people have not replied, when for all I know, the letters never reached them....
My mother is now 80 and had major surgery back then when I was allowed to go and inflict myself on her . I saw a picture of my half-sister's wedding on facebook, and my mother was on it, not looking well (or she might have been unhappy about the marriage....), and that was three of four years ago, so goodness knows.
But I DO want to know how she is, or if anything awful has happened - and am struggling to think of any other way to find out.

OP posts:
Mylaferret · 04/02/2023 19:19

Have you had a good dig through social media? If your sister is a company director have you written to her at the registered address of the company or just her accountant? Google your mums name + obituary see if anything comes up. You might need the name of the town you think she lives in.

AngelDelightUK · 04/02/2023 19:21

Have you tried the electoral roll on 192?

windyarse · 04/02/2023 19:25

Which country are you in?

TequilaNights · 04/02/2023 19:26

Check the gro and see if a death certificate shows, you won't be able to view it without buying it, but to see if one shows under her details.

Justmeandthedog1 · 04/02/2023 19:28

I found a nc relative had died via www.gov.uk/research-family-history

Also, do you have the address of the property your mother last lived in? If you do search sold properties in postcode. RightMove and Zoopla both list the history of property sales and the sale of a property sometimes signifies death of someone living there — this is what triggered my search. I was nosey about what their house looked like, saw it had been sold twice in a year ( sold- renovated by builder- sold) PM me if you want help. I love tracing people.

Original poster
LoveMyPiano · 04/02/2023 19:29

Mylaferret · 04/02/2023 19:19

Have you had a good dig through social media? If your sister is a company director have you written to her at the registered address of the company or just her accountant? Google your mums name + obituary see if anything comes up. You might need the name of the town you think she lives in.

Well I thought I had. I know my sister will not be on fb, or probably any other (her children are but are very limited, and I would not get far with them I know, same with half-sister's daughter....).

I wrote the accountant with the letter clearly addressed to my sister - I didn't think addressing specifically to her would be any different...
Tried my mother's name and obit/death and nothing came up - but didn't know if that was definitive.
It's so hard - even in this day and age.

OP posts:
MarshaMelrose · 04/02/2023 19:32

Why don't you go back to the FB account where you found your sisters wedding photo and contact them?

Original poster
LoveMyPiano · 04/02/2023 19:34

Justmeandthedog1 · 04/02/2023 19:28

I found a nc relative had died via www.gov.uk/research-family-history

Also, do you have the address of the property your mother last lived in? If you do search sold properties in postcode. RightMove and Zoopla both list the history of property sales and the sale of a property sometimes signifies death of someone living there — this is what triggered my search. I was nosey about what their house looked like, saw it had been sold twice in a year ( sold- renovated by builder- sold) PM me if you want help. I love tracing people.

Yes, it was only looking up the address that informed me that she had actually moved. As I said, a granny flat, so I think GC half-sister liquidated her assets when getting married and went to live somewhere with new wife (not married yet, I saw the fb pic after) - probably took my mother along, but I'm not sure....
their relationship had deteriorated due to the close proximity, but I cannot see her being left behind, or allowing it, actually.

OP posts:
Original poster
LoveMyPiano · 04/02/2023 19:34

MarshaMelrose · 04/02/2023 19:32

Why don't you go back to the FB account where you found your sisters wedding photo and contact them?

I can't find it again - maybe the setting were changed, I don't really know.

OP posts:
Mylaferret · 04/02/2023 19:36

Try searching Facebook for surnames and town names, and even if the profile is quite locked down, look at any likes and comments on the profile photos etc. It may lead you to one of your relatives. The obituary thing isn't definitive.

Stomacharmeleon · 04/02/2023 19:38

A family member is a probate genealogist... they can find anyone. Could you ask someone online to find out for you? So you can know without having to make contact.

justasking111 · 04/02/2023 19:41

There may be a good reason in their minds as to why they haven't reached out.

You could try the death notices in local papers.

Original poster
LoveMyPiano · 04/02/2023 19:43

Stomacharmeleon · 04/02/2023 19:38

A family member is a probate genealogist... they can find anyone. Could you ask someone online to find out for you? So you can know without having to make contact.

Ha - until now, I though I was quite a good internet sleuth. I do need a professional I think.
And yet, I don't THINK the information would be intentionally hidden.
Although my mother did, in one of her rants at me, tell me hat I would never be told; I cannot believe they would abide my that. I wouldn't.

OP posts:
Original poster
LoveMyPiano · 04/02/2023 19:45

justasking111 · 04/02/2023 19:41

There may be a good reason in their minds as to why they haven't reached out.

You could try the death notices in local papers.

They don't have to "reach out" to me of their own accord - by and large they never have. But they could have the decency to respond (IF they got the letters that is) - I have made it clear (nicely I think) that I don't want to pursue a relationship with them any more.

OP posts:
OgdensGoneNutFlake · 04/02/2023 19:58

I mean this gently, but if you have this limited contact with them, why do you want to know? Won't it just open up old wounds?

Original poster
LoveMyPiano · 04/02/2023 20:06

OgdensGoneNutFlake · 04/02/2023 19:58

I mean this gently, but if you have this limited contact with them, why do you want to know? Won't it just open up old wounds?

The wounds have never healed anyway.
There is in fact a book called The Primal Wound that is about my mother-daughter "relationship" (and may other people's I imagine).

But, that aside, I think I deserve to know, "have a right" is probably a bit strong, but I am sure some people might see it that way.

I am not the most findable person myself, so it could have been possible that they needed me to break cover. I doubt it though. It's probably a control thing.

OP posts:
saltinesandcoffeecups · 04/02/2023 20:10

Why do you deserve to know? You broke contact with them awhile ago (sincerely, no judgment on that front) so when you do that you give up certain rights. I’m still not sure of your motives here…and I expect the people you contacted aren’t either.

DurhamDurham · 04/02/2023 20:11

I wrote the accountant with the letter clearly addressed to my sister - I didn't think addressing specifically to her would be any different

It must be worth a shot for the price of a stamp? Seems the obvious next step.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 04/02/2023 20:12

Posted too soon… Practical advice…

quit asking others, if it means that much to you pay the money for a professional search or start searching public records yourself.

BabyOnBoard90 · 04/02/2023 20:14

Narcissistic mothers never change, you're more than likely wasting your time by reconnecting.

Original poster
LoveMyPiano · 04/02/2023 20:14

saltinesandcoffeecups · 04/02/2023 20:10

Why do you deserve to know? You broke contact with them awhile ago (sincerely, no judgment on that front) so when you do that you give up certain rights. I’m still not sure of your motives here…and I expect the people you contacted aren’t either.

I am not sure where I said I "broke contact with them". I didn't say that, because I did not break contact.

OP posts:
coralgeo · 04/02/2023 20:16

Have you checked probate records?

probatesearch.service.gov.uk/

MichelleScarn · 04/02/2023 20:16

LoveMyPiano · 04/02/2023 20:06

The wounds have never healed anyway.
There is in fact a book called The Primal Wound that is about my mother-daughter "relationship" (and may other people's I imagine).

But, that aside, I think I deserve to know, "have a right" is probably a bit strong, but I am sure some people might see it that way.

I am not the most findable person myself, so it could have been possible that they needed me to break cover. I doubt it though. It's probably a control thing.

Show quote history

Is the book your actual account? As in you're Nancy Verrier? If this is the book you mean? Were uou adopted from/by her as that's what the book I see is about so can understand there is significant backstory

saltinesandcoffeecups · 04/02/2023 20:17

LoveMyPiano · 04/02/2023 20:14

I am not sure where I said I "broke contact with them". I didn't say that, because I did not break contact.

Show quote history

I have not seen or heard from her since 2015/6 (not sure which, to be honest), when she was so cruel that even this masochist couldn't keep trying.

So you did keep trying?

Original poster
LoveMyPiano · 04/02/2023 20:18

BabyOnBoard90 · 04/02/2023 20:14

Narcissistic mothers never change, you're more than likely wasting your time by reconnecting.

I know..... I thought she might, for some reason. Although in all likelihood, she is telling them what they can and can't do. and they - even with no loyalty to her - apart from GC daughter - are abiding by it, surprisingly.

She once said she thought I would dance on her grave - I don know why she said it, and it came out of left field at me. But I would have to know where the grave is.....

That said, she probably IS still alive.

OP posts:
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