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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to know if my mother is still alive?

74 replies

LoveMyPiano · 04/02/2023 19:16

There is a lot of backstory - but I don't want to write a long essay /bore anyone....
I have not seen or heard from her since 2015/6 (not sure which, to be honest), when she was so cruel that even this masochist couldn't keep trying.
She has other children who she prefers - and I am working my way through them to find out how she is; but I don't even have proper contact details for them either....
So far -
Her stepson - who I thought I had the correct address for. I wrote a simple card before Christmas, but heard nothing.
As I said, I am not sure of his correct address, and can only find online the one I used.
My sister (we have a troubled "relationship" - not seen or spoken to her - he decision, I think - since 2016 either - she has a bad relationship with her mother - but there IS a relationship I think). Last week, I used the address of an Accountant who is listed as a Director on one of the companies that are listed for my sister and her husband, asking them to forward. I didn't go into anything in the covering letter - but non-one is so far away or out of contact that they cannot be contacted by some means. They lived only 8 miles from me when I saw her, but could quite easily have moved.
No reply from this either.

This leaves the Golden Child daughter (of mother and her now dead husband) - and who mother lived with in granny flat until I think 2017. But I don't really have a clue where she is/they are now.

I know it's messy - and I can't be mad that people have not replied, when for all I know, the letters never reached them....
My mother is now 80 and had major surgery back then when I was allowed to go and inflict myself on her . I saw a picture of my half-sister's wedding on facebook, and my mother was on it, not looking well (or she might have been unhappy about the marriage....), and that was three of four years ago, so goodness knows.
But I DO want to know how she is, or if anything awful has happened - and am struggling to think of any other way to find out.

OP posts:
Original poster
LoveMyPiano · 04/02/2023 20:19

MichelleScarn · 04/02/2023 20:16

Is the book your actual account? As in you're Nancy Verrier? If this is the book you mean? Were uou adopted from/by her as that's what the book I see is about so can understand there is significant backstory

Show quote history

I was taken away from her, never officially "adopted".

Like I said, too much backstory....

OP posts:
LindorDoubleChoc · 04/02/2023 20:21

This seems incredibly over-wrought.

Presumably you stopped contact for good reason. Why have you changed your mind?

Your/her relatives are choosing not to contact you, and it seems in some cases positively avoiding you. I don't understand why you are going to all this effort for relatives who don't appear to want to be in touch.

Original poster
LoveMyPiano · 04/02/2023 20:22

saltinesandcoffeecups · 04/02/2023 20:17

I have not seen or heard from her since 2015/6 (not sure which, to be honest), when she was so cruel that even this masochist couldn't keep trying.

So you did keep trying?

Show quote history

There is a difference between "breaking contact" of my own volition, and giving up on trying. I would never have rebuffed any communication - but there wasn't any. I gave in to other people's wishes, and to avoid being hurt further.
And didn't know here anyone was in the end. Especially my mother.
My address was available to all, and my mobile number has always been and has never changed.

OP posts:
watsthecraic · 04/02/2023 20:23

I really don't think it's a good idea to tell someone on here how to find someone who clearly they are no co tact with.

We have no idea of what they are saying is true and they could have a nefarious purpose.

Not that I'm saying the op is necessarily - but I just don't think it's a good idea.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 04/02/2023 20:26

LoveMyPiano · 04/02/2023 20:22

There is a difference between "breaking contact" of my own volition, and giving up on trying. I would never have rebuffed any communication - but there wasn't any. I gave in to other people's wishes, and to avoid being hurt further.
And didn't know here anyone was in the end. Especially my mother.
My address was available to all, and my mobile number has always been and has never changed.

Show quote history

Semantics… in my opinion, but it really doesn’t matter in the end who officially broke contact. The result is the same you don’t appear to have any rights to knowledge nor deserve to know what they are up to.

coralgeo · 04/02/2023 20:26

watsthecraic · 04/02/2023 20:23

I really don't think it's a good idea to tell someone on here how to find someone who clearly they are no co tact with.

We have no idea of what they are saying is true and they could have a nefarious purpose.

Not that I'm saying the op is necessarily - but I just don't think it's a good idea.

Knowing how to find out whether somebody has died isn't secret information

watsthecraic · 04/02/2023 20:27

We don't know that's why she's looking. Not for sure.

It's the same as all the missing person things on Facebook that aren't from the police. They could be anyone.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 04/02/2023 20:27

watsthecraic · 04/02/2023 20:23

I really don't think it's a good idea to tell someone on here how to find someone who clearly they are no co tact with.

We have no idea of what they are saying is true and they could have a nefarious purpose.

Not that I'm saying the op is necessarily - but I just don't think it's a good idea.

Point taken but I googled ‘UK vital records’ and the answer was there in 0.2 seconds. Nobody is giving away any super secret methods

coralgeo · 04/02/2023 20:29

watsthecraic · 04/02/2023 20:27

We don't know that's why she's looking. Not for sure.

It's the same as all the missing person things on Facebook that aren't from the police. They could be anyone.

Well if that's the case you've just given the OP an idea!

Seaweed42 · 04/02/2023 20:30

If you know where your sister lives, why can't you write to her and ask her for your mother's address?

watsthecraic · 04/02/2023 20:31

I'm quite sure since the op has Facebook she's already thought of that or I wouldn't have said.

I've a friend who has an adopted child and the birth family have tried this sort of thing.

It just makes me really uneasy

Motnight · 04/02/2023 20:34

If someone goes NC respect that and let them be.

Possibly an over simplification here, but there seems to be so much energy expended on this it can't be healthy

Original poster
LoveMyPiano · 04/02/2023 20:38

I really do resent some of the implications.
I, again, did not "break contact" [semantics or not]- and without the whole sorry backstory, some people would never understand, or would choose not to.
We were brought up separately, and it caused many difficulties, for all parties - and especially my mother, I would guess. She could have been someone who held us or brought us together, instead she took a deliberate divide and rule approach and would have hated it if we could, despite how things had gone, got along; she certainly resented it when my sister and I did get along for a brief time.
I did not meet her until I was 16 - and I tried and tried in various ways; she just thought I should ne grateful, and "fit in".

I don't want to reconnect fully - becuase I know THEY don't want to. They (all) have each other, and I am just Or was) tapping at the window, trying to be let in.... That was set in place about two years after I was born. I have forgiven in my own way, but it is never forgotten, becuase it has coloured all of the relationships on that side of the so-called family.

Like I said - too much back-story. All truth, unfortunately.~
I just want to know if my mother is alive and OK. Or dead.

OP posts:
Original poster
LoveMyPiano · 04/02/2023 20:40

watsthecraic · 04/02/2023 20:31

I'm quite sure since the op has Facebook she's already thought of that or I wouldn't have said.

I've a friend who has an adopted child and the birth family have tried this sort of thing.

It just makes me really uneasy

I hope the explanation helps clarify you,. and allay your unease.
I was not lucky enough to be adopted legally.

OP posts:
watsthecraic · 04/02/2023 20:41

No harm - again - but we don't know that.

Clearly there's no contact for a reason. You might be better to let it go

Original poster
LoveMyPiano · 04/02/2023 20:42

Seaweed42 · 04/02/2023 20:30

If you know where your sister lives, why can't you write to her and ask her for your mother's address?

I don't know for sure where she lives now. I did know when I last saw her.
Going through the business seemed best, or at least more certain.

OP posts:
Minimalme · 04/02/2023 20:42

You can search up someone's will through the gov.uk website. It will give the date of death.

If you can't find it on there, then she is probably still alive.

I wouldn't contact other family members. You went nc for a reason. They have stayed in contact and are implicit in the abuse by association.

Original poster
LoveMyPiano · 04/02/2023 20:44

watsthecraic · 04/02/2023 20:41

No harm - again - but we don't know that.

Clearly there's no contact for a reason. You might be better to let it go

I'm not sure what you mean, or are inferring.

I don't even particularly want to know where she is - or any of them are.

Just of she is still alive - and not even to "track her down"; I'm not that masochistic.

OP posts:
watsthecraic · 04/02/2023 20:46

I've been as clear as I can be in what I posted.

All the best.

Original poster
LoveMyPiano · 04/02/2023 20:47

Minimalme · 04/02/2023 20:42

You can search up someone's will through the gov.uk website. It will give the date of death.

If you can't find it on there, then she is probably still alive.

I wouldn't contact other family members. You went nc for a reason. They have stayed in contact and are implicit in the abuse by association.

She won't have left a Will, I would have thought - the GC daughter will have taken all she can get out of her whilst still alive.

OP posts:
Motnight · 04/02/2023 20:49

Op you say you want to know whether your mother is alive and OK or dead. How will you know if she is alive whether she is OK or not?

You write about there being a huge back story, there always is with families. They are messy, complicated things. I have a feeling that if you found out what you want to know this would just mean more chaos and trouble.

OneFrenchEgg · 04/02/2023 20:50

There is in fact a book called The Primal Wound that is about my mother-daughter "relationship" (and may other people's I imagine).

I'm trying to follow your story to see if I can suggest anything - this book seems to be written by an adoptive mother (one adopted, one not, of her two children) - are you adopted? Is there any merit in asking for your records, would there be any additional information?

justasking111 · 04/02/2023 20:50

watsthecraic · 04/02/2023 20:23

I really don't think it's a good idea to tell someone on here how to find someone who clearly they are no co tact with.

We have no idea of what they are saying is true and they could have a nefarious purpose.

Not that I'm saying the op is necessarily - but I just don't think it's a good idea.

That did occur to those me. My NC mother has form for this type of thing. We moved, new address, new phone number ex directory. Unfortunately she has friends in the NHS so found us again.

Original poster
LoveMyPiano · 04/02/2023 20:50

watsthecraic · 04/02/2023 20:46

I've been as clear as I can be in what I posted.

All the best.

Oh, you think I'm lying, a fantasist, and /or have dubious reasons for trying to find someone?
I wish.
The sorry story is the sad fact of the matter.
I am too naive - I take most stores on here as largely the truth, or having genuine reasons....

OP posts:
Minimalme · 04/02/2023 20:52

Ah op, they won't 'have each other' you mother sounds a very cold, unloving and manipulative person.

Abusive people create narratives to justify their actions and they are rarely true.

I would want to know when my Mum dies so I can fully relax and know she is no longer a threat.