To want to know if my mother is still alive?

[LoveMyPiano]

There is a lot of backstory - but I don't want to write a long essay /bore anyone....
I have not seen or heard from her since 2015/6 (not sure which, to be honest), when she was so cruel that even this masochist couldn't keep trying.
She has other children who she prefers - and I am working my way through them to find out how she is; but I don't even have proper contact details for them either....
So far -
Her stepson - who I thought I had the correct address for. I wrote a simple card before Christmas, but heard nothing.
As I said, I am not sure of his correct address, and can only find online the one I used.
My sister (we have a troubled "relationship" - not seen or spoken to her - he decision, I think - since 2016 either - she has a bad relationship with her mother - but there IS a relationship I think). Last week, I used the address of an Accountant who is listed as a Director on one of the companies that are listed for my sister and her husband, asking them to forward. I didn't go into anything in the covering letter - but non-one is so far away or out of contact that they cannot be contacted by some means. They lived only 8 miles from me when I saw her, but could quite easily have moved.
No reply from this either.

This leaves the Golden Child daughter (of mother and her now dead husband) - and who mother lived with in granny flat until I think 2017. But I don't really have a clue where she is/they are now.

I know it's messy - and I can't be mad that people have not replied, when for all I know, the letters never reached them....
My mother is now 80 and had major surgery back then when I was allowed to go and inflict myself on her . I saw a picture of my half-sister's wedding on facebook, and my mother was on it, not looking well (or she might have been unhappy about the marriage....), and that was three of four years ago, so goodness knows.
But I DO want to know how she is, or if anything awful has happened - and am struggling to think of any other way to find out.

I'm not being totally clear, because it all takes so much saying - and then I am told it's "over-wrought".... I was semi-adopted, shall we say - as in, taken away from my mother (decreed by the Court) and taken on by my father's parents (not him). On a whim, I think. Never legalised, although overseen in some way by some organisation I can't remember.
I wish to God I had been adopted - by someone else. But then I would have gone looking for them I guess.

(And that did not work out too well for the brother of mine who did seek them out - and who I never knew about.)

Op am really sorry. But from what I've inferred from this, you were removed from your mum when a baby, she went on to have more children who she brought up, and you came back into contact at 16 so your siblings may not actually (sadly for you if you do) see you as a sibling?

Thank you for saying that. I think that's part of it for me too.

I would try probate records too. If you use her full name and try each year in turn from when you last had contact it should show if she has a record. I hope you find what you need

Oh I see, so you all were raised I d offerente households and didn't develop 'normal' sibling relationships. That sounds incredibly difficult.
I wonder if a short period of counselling would help, so that whatever you do you are prepared for an outcome (finding her/not finding her/ her alive or not).

Yes, you have deduced correctly (which is a large part of the backstory that I didn't want to have to bore people with).

They had me (got married for that reason).
Then had another daughter - my sister.
My father left; it got very hard for my mother - we were in foster care.
Then Court, I was taken away to g/parents, sister stayed with mother.
She had another child; he was adopted age 6 weeks. I never knew about him until I was 27, and he wanted to trace his birth family.
My mother took on new man's son (one year older than me) - I somehow knew this as I was growing up.
Saw her once in all that time.
She and new man had a daughter who died in infancy.
They then had another - who became the GC daughter, which made life very hard for my sister.
She also trained my sister to hate me, so when we met, it was not great, although we did try, when I got a car and could travel for us to socialise together. But she had an agenda that I didn't realise. And she hated the fact that I was in contact with our father (such fun!), when she had only seen HIM once.
My mother wrote to me when I was 15, which messed with my head - as my Father was on third wife and starting another family, and I was on the periphery of that too.
I was just so grateful to see her and all of them; but I wish I never had.

Too much backstory.

Another one saying check the probate records. Doesn't matter whether or not she had a will - her estate will have been processed upon her death either way and the info should be on there. If it's not, she's still alive (or only very recently deceased).

As I have written this, and even as I have denied it, I think part of why I did try the route of writing to the "siblings", is to somehow remind them that I am still a person who exists, who would like to know a simple fact.

My sister for sure knows my mother's version of why I am not in contact with her, and as she has her own (different) issues with her, and would like me to be upset, she should take the opportunity to rub my face in it.

I've stepped away and come back to this thread a few times. I am adopted but with no 'backstory'. Just 'run of the mill' infant adoption. I've tried to put on your moccasins and walk a mile, but I will be honest, I'm not going to pretend I can truly understand your feelings. I guess all adoptees have 'unresolved issues', some easily left unresolved, others not.

The closest I could get to your situation was imagining I got in touch with my bio mother (who was married, but NOT to my father, and who already had 3 children) and was rejected and/or manipulated by her and her 'other' children. What would I do? I think I'd walk away and never attempt to get in touch with them ever again, not even to find out if my mother had died. I mean, what would be the point? If she's dead, so what? If she's alive, so what again? Neither thing would ever give me the answers I want nor provide me with any 'closure' I might want to feel.

I think, if I were in your situation, I'd seek counseling to try to work through unresolved issues within myself. No one, not even a bio parent, can really provide us with peace nor answer all questions. We have to find it for ourselves. I sought counseling at one time to resolve an issue that I felt was due to subconscious fear of abandonment. My adoptive parents couldn't solve it, my bio mother couldn't have solved it, only it could only be solved by me. And it was, with a good counselor, some honesty on my part, and some hard work.

I wish you peace and comfort.

Hi @LoveMyPiano I've sent you a pm.

I think the problem is that as much as you say you just want to know whether your mum is dead or alive I think that is hard to believe. I believe that deep down you are trying to get in touch in the vain hope that you will be told she is alive and had some moment of clarity and wants to beg forgiveness in her old age for how she behaved or she died wishing she had had the opportunity to reconcile or apologise. I'm saying that because I would feel like that and I'm fairly sure my adopted daughter would feel a bit like she would like to have been missed or her bio mum had had regrets about her treatment.

What good would knowing she is alive and thriving or dead and didn't give you a thought do? It would hurt either way and it sounds like you need to heal

This is the easiest way if there are any property or assets.

It's how I know mine is still around.

Can’t you check the electoral register. I think it’s about £10 fee

I will never heal from it I don't think.

In the same way that healthy, forgiving, consistent, understanding and interested families are part of people's characters, the shitty card I was dealt is part of mine. The nastiness is reignited occasionally if either of my parents feels like doing more than just ignoring my existence. Keeps me in my place and all that.

I think the knowing would just let me have a vestige of control over what I think about things, be it bad or good. Not knowing, and no-one telling me, even when I ask, feels so much that I am at the mercy of their decisions and feelings towards me - which should not be BAD, there should be no REASON for them to be bad; I have not done anything to them. But then, my mother will probably have said that I have been beastly or pathetic to he, or in her eyes, so that they DON'T think I deserve to know even a fundamental fact.

@saymynamex I would hope that your adopted daughter would not have reason to feel bad.... It is a complicated minefield that no-one can fully prepare for, due to the feelings of all parties being unpredictable.
I think an adoptee would always hope that they had been missed - and it is very very hard to feel that it might be the opposite, or that they were (as I was) replaced by other children. I hope for her/you that nothing like that happens.
x

@AcrossthePond55 Thank you for your message, and understanding.

The problem I think, in my situation, was the fact that she caught me at a weak moment when she wrote to me at age 15/16. I was not happy with my grandparents - and was being forced to be involved with my father, who was starting to procreate again as well. Although I had been very clever, and was attending a good school, I was not thriving, and no-one realised, or cared.

I don't honestly think that many people who would have coped well, OR who would have walked away once they realised that the scenario was not going to be particularly healthy. I was the black sheep of about three families.....
I know that what happened gave me the "right" to choose to like or dislike my parents - but it didn't work that way - I seemed to "love" them no matter what, but they easily found a way to dislike me and never manged love at all.

A terrible pattern had already been put in place, and no matter what I have done, it has repeated itself intermittently throughout my life. It has been the only experience I could have - I could not conjure up a different life or story for myself, when all these other people who didn't give a s**t still managed to have such a massive effect on me.

I thank you again for your understanding and trying to walk a mile in my shoes. I would not wish it on anyone.

I agree, you've a lot more 'baggage' than I'll ever have. And it's baggage that was piled on you, not that you picked up and carried willingly. And yes you're right, it's so hard to walk away from a situation where you're made the 'villain' because we all want the chance to tell them where they're wrong and for them to really hear us and to change. But I think we both know that very, very rarely ever happens. Because for them to accept your truth means they have to admit they've been wrong and cruel. And someone who could be that cruel to begin with can never admit it.

That's why there comes a time where we have to 'drop the rope' and just let go of whatever it is we're hoping to achieve. It does us no good to cling to painful things, we only hurt ourselves. Not that we forget exactly, but that we're able to put those painful things in their rightful places on some tall shelf in the back of our brains. Still 'there', but not a motivation for actions nor a roadblock to moving forward, iyswim. But we each have to find that 'right time' for ourselves. I hope you find your right time. If and when you do, get a good counselor and do the hard work needed. In the end you'll be free.

Thank you @AcrossthePond55 Very very wise and kind words.
I had never even really thought that the baggage was loaded onto me; it always felt as though I chose the heavy burden myself - and of course there comes a time when I have sort of chosen to.... I do try to think differently, I really do, but there are a lot of reminders, just in every day life, that such fundamental parts of my life are so distorted, and I want to fix them. I can't of course.

@LoveMyPiano

Of course they were loaded onto you! You were a child, even as a teen your reasoning wasn't fully developed and decision you made then can't be thought of as, IDK, 'rational' for lack of a better word. I always fall back on the words of the wise Maya Angelou; "You did then what you knew how to do. Now that you know better, you'll do better". And I know you've made choices from that 'do better' place since you've matured.

You say you can't 'fix them'. Well, there's 'fixing' and there's 'fixing'. Those things that happened are a part of you, but they are NOT 'who you are' and they needn't direct your life's path. I appreciate that you've tried to work it through yourself. That is very brave! But have you ever sought out professional help? Someone who knows the right questions to ask and has the right tools to give you to work things through?

I got counseling to work through my issues (I'm not comparing to yours). It took time and a lot of hard work. But it was so worth it!

You could try looking up birth, death and marriage register o line. It's free. You know her name and date of birth and where she was living.

You won't get anywhere with your siblings OP. When you search someone's Facebook you often pop up in thier suggested friends and your sister has probably seen this and blocked you. If they aren't responding to any letters (and I suspect your sister recieved the one sent to her business) then it's not a good idea to keep trying.

See her as dead to you, even if she is actually alive, she doesn't sound like she is worth the bother.

I think I can understand why you want to know, OP. I suspect it's to know whether you can have some sort of closure, no matter how unsatisfactory that may be.

You've been through an awful lot of hurt, and my heart goes out to you.

You are likely right, and I do know how futile it all is.
I don't intend to pursue it via actual people any more - and I was wrong to show my hand in any case.

I am almost certain that my real sister is not on facebook, but I didn't know that searching for a person did somehow reveal that you had searched.... However, I am not actually "me" on facebook (taps side of nose); my profile is very limited, and my profile pic is of a horse she never even met.

I have actually now found a profile for my half-sister, via her wife's - she had changed her surname to an entirely unexpected one. I am not though, giving her the pleasure of knowing how little I know, and how much I care. Nor would I reveal the facebook profile.

(I am the daughter of a liar - so being a bit sneaky - when necessary - comes quite easily.....)

Yes, I don't feel I can close a chapter that has been awful, and never even really got going very well - until she does die. She too, will probably outlive me though, and maybe then SHE will heave a sigh of relief.

Thank you so much for your kind words x