Background: DH, DS (toddler) and I live quite a long way from our parents. We're in London area. His are in another country, mine live about 5 hours drive away (up north) but it's less on the train. So, they're mostly 'fun time' grandparents and don't have much experience of managing DS without me or DH being there. I have a kind of difficult relationship with my parents (kind of a 'golden child and scapegoat ' dynamic with my DB as the golden child). DH and I both work and DS has a part-time nursery placement.
DH was rushed to hospital. He's really ill. I hope he'll recover but it's not guaranteed.
In desperation, I phoned DM and told her what was happening. She said she was sorry but she had to go out for lunch with my DB but was thinking of us. I'd been on the verge of asking if she could come down to help me with DS (I'm sure lots of people could and do cope by themselves but I was really upset and I suppose hoping that for once she might want to help me when I needed help). But when she couldn't even find time to talk to me when DH was that unwell, I figured there was no point in pushing for more help.
So I organised childcare and things on the assumption that I can only rely on myself, local friends and nursery.
Now, DM is concerned that DB thinks she's a "bad gran" so she wants to visit to take DS out to the beach (what beach?! we don't live near a beach... is she planning to take him to Brighton or something?!) and the zoo so he doesn't need to spend his time up at the hospital "getting upset" or with people he doesn't know (he knows them better than he knows her).
I feel like this would be more unsettling for DS than the current plans (time with familiar people in familiar places and getting to spend some time with his dad, who might not get to come home again). Yes, hospitals aren't fun but this could be all the time he and I have with DH and I know that she would try to stop him visiting - I know she can't physically stop me from taking him but she has form for engineering things, eg skipping his afternoon nap because she thinks having fun is more important for a "big boy now" and then he's exhausted and can't do anything else that might have been planned. (This is part of why she now doesn't have DS without me or DH there, as he's not that big a boy really).
I don't think DS needs excitement at the moment. I think he needs stability and security at a very scary time.
Also, I don't feel like I have the energy to cope with a "fun time" visit where I would be expected to host and come up with ideas for days out and then there'd be huge disappointment when I just want to be there for DH and DS and survive this.
I told her I can't cope with hosting her at the moment and have practical support in place so there's no need for her to come up now unless she wants to stay in a hotel and fit in with our existing plans, but we'd be happy to host a "fun" visit if DH recovers, once he gets home.
DM is very upset and DB has said he thinks I'm unreasonable for not considering her feelings when she's "just trying to help".
Am I being unreasonable? Am I letting past issues get in the way of what my brother says is a genuine offer of help?
YABU - yes, apologise to DM and offer to host her visit.
YANBU - stick to the plans in place.