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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell my mum not to visit?

76 replies

DHillAIBU · 04/02/2023 13:54

Background: DH, DS (toddler) and I live quite a long way from our parents. We're in London area. His are in another country, mine live about 5 hours drive away (up north) but it's less on the train. So, they're mostly 'fun time' grandparents and don't have much experience of managing DS without me or DH being there. I have a kind of difficult relationship with my parents (kind of a 'golden child and scapegoat ' dynamic with my DB as the golden child). DH and I both work and DS has a part-time nursery placement.

DH was rushed to hospital. He's really ill. I hope he'll recover but it's not guaranteed.

In desperation, I phoned DM and told her what was happening. She said she was sorry but she had to go out for lunch with my DB but was thinking of us. I'd been on the verge of asking if she could come down to help me with DS (I'm sure lots of people could and do cope by themselves but I was really upset and I suppose hoping that for once she might want to help me when I needed help). But when she couldn't even find time to talk to me when DH was that unwell, I figured there was no point in pushing for more help.

So I organised childcare and things on the assumption that I can only rely on myself, local friends and nursery.

Now, DM is concerned that DB thinks she's a "bad gran" so she wants to visit to take DS out to the beach (what beach?! we don't live near a beach... is she planning to take him to Brighton or something?!) and the zoo so he doesn't need to spend his time up at the hospital "getting upset" or with people he doesn't know (he knows them better than he knows her).

I feel like this would be more unsettling for DS than the current plans (time with familiar people in familiar places and getting to spend some time with his dad, who might not get to come home again). Yes, hospitals aren't fun but this could be all the time he and I have with DH and I know that she would try to stop him visiting - I know she can't physically stop me from taking him but she has form for engineering things, eg skipping his afternoon nap because she thinks having fun is more important for a "big boy now" and then he's exhausted and can't do anything else that might have been planned. (This is part of why she now doesn't have DS without me or DH there, as he's not that big a boy really).

I don't think DS needs excitement at the moment. I think he needs stability and security at a very scary time.

Also, I don't feel like I have the energy to cope with a "fun time" visit where I would be expected to host and come up with ideas for days out and then there'd be huge disappointment when I just want to be there for DH and DS and survive this.

I told her I can't cope with hosting her at the moment and have practical support in place so there's no need for her to come up now unless she wants to stay in a hotel and fit in with our existing plans, but we'd be happy to host a "fun" visit if DH recovers, once he gets home.

DM is very upset and DB has said he thinks I'm unreasonable for not considering her feelings when she's "just trying to help".

Am I being unreasonable? Am I letting past issues get in the way of what my brother says is a genuine offer of help?

YABU - yes, apologise to DM and offer to host her visit.
YANBU - stick to the plans in place.

OP posts:
ElBandito · 04/02/2023 14:39

Your DB is a bit of a stirrer isn't he? First he tells your mum off for not being a 'good gran' and then he has a pop at you for not letting her be a good gran.

I would imagine you don't want to fill your house at the moment because DHs family may visit to be with him?

eveoha · 04/02/2023 14:40

Hope all will be well 👍🏿☘️🙏🏽

Ellie1015 · 04/02/2023 14:42

Tell brother "she was too busy to take a phone call from me when dh first went to hospital. Her help makes my life more difficult and I am not in a position to take on any responsibility for how she feels. I cannot believe you are putting this on me when dh is ill"

What you have already said to mum is fine. Dont feel any guilt over her feelings.

Yanbu at all. Hope dh is much better soon.

ChuckMater · 04/02/2023 14:43

I'd be telling DB to forget DMs feeling and consider YOUR feelings. You are not being unreasonable. Trust your gut and keep ds close to people he knows and trusts. You're right, he needs to feel secure and if you want him at the hospital that is absolutely your call. I hope your DH makes a full recovery x

Beseen22 · 04/02/2023 14:47

I live in your family dynamic and totally get it. If I was your mum and one of my kids phoned me and said 'DH had just been taken into hospital and things aren't looking good' I would have said OK give me 5 hours and I'll be there. And I know with completely certainty that my MIL would do the exact same thing and keep the children to their normal routine so that the wife can be with her unwell husband. For whatever reason she hasn't done that. If you have found your people who can actually help you and you are coping OK then I'd say ignore her offers. If you are still needing support and actually could do with her taking DS out for the day then take advantage of that.

My DM wouldn't take my DC for 1 hour while I went in for surgical management of a miscarriage because she had to pick up DB (in his 30s and has a car). I'm so sorry for what you have been through and hope DH gets through it.

BigFeelingsMoment · 04/02/2023 14:53

There are three people who matter in this situation - your DH, your DS and you. Whilst you shouldn’t hurt people unnecessarily, you are not obliged in this situation to do anything other than what is best for you.

BatshitBanshee · 04/02/2023 14:54

YANBU. At all, mind yourself; your DS and DH are the priority. Her first reaction to what happened was that she had to go with DB for lunch (!!!!!!!) most normal familial reactions to a crisis is to help, in whatever capacity needed. I don't think I'd respond to DB at all right now, I wouldn't waste my time or energy engaging in this nonsense when your DH is this ill.

As for M only kicking into action because B might think she's a bad gran... I'd save my sentiments on that until she's at the stage of life where she needs care. Witch.

JessicaFletcherscrewnecksweater · 04/02/2023 14:54

Your mother and brother are a joke. Jesus. I hate the golden child/scapegoat child dynamic, or illustrates such a failing on the part of the parents.

HitthefloorforTaintedLove · 04/02/2023 14:55

I've been there with the seriously ill DH but no toddler to contend with. You need to concentrate on your immediate family, now and going forward. I hope your DH recovers 💐 and when you have the mental strength look into setting good boundaries to protect you all.
Oh and tell your brother to fuck off.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 04/02/2023 14:58

YANBU. I would just word it that you appreciate the offer but you have everything under control for now, and you will call her if you need anything.

Minimalme · 04/02/2023 14:58

Sounds like your mother and brother want you to allow a visit to make themselves feel better.

You don't need that sort of attention-seeking help. You have enough to deal with, without having to pander to that selfish pair.

Hope your dh recovers and your friends come to your help. I am sure they would want to support you and your ds.

BubziOwl · 04/02/2023 14:58

DelphiniumBlue · 04/02/2023 14:33

"Dear DB /cc Mum
There was no offer of help or even sympathy when I needed it, and so I've put other arrangements in place. DS hardly knows DM and if she is not able to support him and me at my home at this difficult time, then there is nothing I can do . Her offer to take DS to the beach is so unrealistic as to be laughable - the nearest beach to here is x miles away and would involve a long day trip away from his parents at a time when he needs stabiilty. What i actually needed was moral support, and someone to take DS to the park for an hour or 2 here and there, and to help with keeping his routine in place. This little boy may lose his father soon and we think it is important that he sees him as much as possible while he can. Unfortunately, Mum was not willing to discuss what help I need or to even demonstrate an interest in my situation. I don't need a Disney granny showing up expecting me to host and do fun things, I want genuine kindness and understanding at this most difficult time. I'm really sad and upset that she can't do that, and that I'm having to battle this alone."

This is perfect, but if you do actually decide to say something like this then promise me you'll not read any messages or answer any calls from them afterwards? You really don't need to be engaging in any pointless drama right now.

I'm the kind of person that would want to send this to get it off my chest, and I would be quite happy to let them react how they want and refuse to acknowledge it or let it impact me.

If you think you'd get sucked into an argument or have to defend yourself, then I wouldn't. I'd just politely end any discussion and focus on what's important.

Nevermind31 · 04/02/2023 15:01

People who need their feelings considered when others need help are not helping/ willing to help or even offering help.
it is all about them at a time when it should be all about the person needing help.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 04/02/2023 15:02

DM is very upset and DB has said he thinks I'm unreasonable for not considering her feelings when she's "just trying to help"

You're not responsible for how she feels and DB is a twat for saying that with all the other things you have to cope with.

JudgeRudy · 04/02/2023 15:09

No, at this particular time you don't need to prioritise anyone's feelings but your immediate family. In fact I'd sayvits situations like this where you get a freebie pass to be a little bit unreasonable if emotions dictate.
What I find particularly odd is how your brother seems to be some sort of governor. You asked your mum for emotional help when you first needed it. She declined but after consulting with the Governor it was decreed that she must indeed help. You've declined her less than useful offer and now again it is decreed that you must put her feelings first. Who appointed your brother the governor?
Remind them that as far as you are concerned this is about your immediate family's needs and they will continue to be your priority. No need to be rude but keep stressing 'this isn't about you'.
Wishing your husband recovery and you the strength to deal with what comes your way.

thaegumathteth · 04/02/2023 15:10

You don't need to consider anyone but you and your son and husband right now. Don't give it any more thought.

LIZS · 04/02/2023 15:12

Businessflake · 04/02/2023 14:03

Just tell her the moment for her to step up and help has passed.

This. You have made alternative plans. She could have been supportive off her own back but that was not her instinct. It is not about her and how she wants to look to others. Hope your dh makes progress soon and a good recovery.

Lollypop701 · 04/02/2023 15:15

DM is very upset and DB has said he thinks I'm unreasonable for not considering her feelings when she's "just trying to help".… wtaf?

Your dh is seriously ill and you have to consider her feelings!!! Those are the words I would use as a response along with I’m not here to consider anyone’s feelings but my dh and ds right now, so you either fit in with this or not. If you have any comments on this keep them to yourself ( aka fuck off)

winningeasy · 04/02/2023 15:19

She's making it about her, she sounds like a narc.
Yanbu. Go with your instincts

Comtesse · 04/02/2023 15:22

Do NOT centre your mother’s feelings. Most important are your husband, yourself and your child. Do not entertain this nonsense, shut it right down. I hope your DH is recovering very soon Flowers

Nanny0gg · 04/02/2023 15:24

WTAF has it got to do with their feelings?

They are all behaving appallingly in this awful time.

Do what you need to do for you and your family, I'm glad you have decent friends around you.

I can't imagine not dropping everything in these circumstances for a distant cousin, let alone my own daughter.

Please take care of yourselves, don't even think about them and if I'm honest, I'd cease all communication right now and block them completely when your DH recovers. You don't need the additional stress managing their feelings.

Thinking of you all Flowers

GrannyOfDragons · 04/02/2023 15:24

You have more important things to be doing I am sure but maybe take a moment to refer your brother to ring theory.

Ring theory is a concept or paradigm in psychology that recommends a strategy for dealing with the stress a person may feel when someone they encounter, know or love is undergoing crisis.[1] The concept, developed by clinical psychologist Susan Silk, advises those surrounding a person in crisis to direct expressions of their own feelings of stress toward those less close to that person and direct only support toward those closer to the person, using a diagram of concentric circles to illustrate the concept.
Your DH, you and your DS are the most important people in this situation and if your mother wants to express her anguish, she can dump on your brother.

Thinking of you

AIBU to tell my mum not to visit?
gogohmm · 04/02/2023 15:31

I'm on the fence, I think she was trying to help when she suggested day trips, she's just using the language she knows, she's trying to say she could distract your toddler leaving you to go to the hospital. But she's definitely being prompted by your brother, who also probably doesn't really know what to say to help not being local. She definitely sounds like she lacks empathy.

In your situation would having her take care of your toddler me helpful, and I mean fully as in she gets him up, entertains him, feeds him and puts him to bed, if so then tell her what you do need help with, spell it out. Not everyone gets it, you have to be blatant

gogohmm · 04/02/2023 15:33

I hope your dh recovers and do look after yourself at this time - I would actually ask your mum to come and cook, do laundry etc for you l - leave you to be with your dh

BiddyPop · 04/02/2023 15:33

Lookup "spoon theory" - you'll need all your spoons for managing household, dealing with practicalities of DH illness, keeping those who NEED to know informed (eg Friends doing childcare, nursery in case he's unsettled), and also having time to manage your own emotions and those of Dh and DS.

You don't have extra spoons to spend on "d"M, let alone the extra ones it would take to manage her and her shenanigans.

So absolutely YANBU!

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