AIBU to tell my mum not to visit?

[DHillAIBU]

Background: DH, DS (toddler) and I live quite a long way from our parents. We're in London area. His are in another country, mine live about 5 hours drive away (up north) but it's less on the train. So, they're mostly 'fun time' grandparents and don't have much experience of managing DS without me or DH being there. I have a kind of difficult relationship with my parents (kind of a 'golden child and scapegoat ' dynamic with my DB as the golden child). DH and I both work and DS has a part-time nursery placement.

DH was rushed to hospital. He's really ill. I hope he'll recover but it's not guaranteed.

In desperation, I phoned DM and told her what was happening. She said she was sorry but she had to go out for lunch with my DB but was thinking of us. I'd been on the verge of asking if she could come down to help me with DS (I'm sure lots of people could and do cope by themselves but I was really upset and I suppose hoping that for once she might want to help me when I needed help). But when she couldn't even find time to talk to me when DH was that unwell, I figured there was no point in pushing for more help.

So I organised childcare and things on the assumption that I can only rely on myself, local friends and nursery.

Now, DM is concerned that DB thinks she's a "bad gran" so she wants to visit to take DS out to the beach (what beach?! we don't live near a beach... is she planning to take him to Brighton or something?!) and the zoo so he doesn't need to spend his time up at the hospital "getting upset" or with people he doesn't know (he knows them better than he knows her).

I feel like this would be more unsettling for DS than the current plans (time with familiar people in familiar places and getting to spend some time with his dad, who might not get to come home again). Yes, hospitals aren't fun but this could be all the time he and I have with DH and I know that she would try to stop him visiting - I know she can't physically stop me from taking him but she has form for engineering things, eg skipping his afternoon nap because she thinks having fun is more important for a "big boy now" and then he's exhausted and can't do anything else that might have been planned. (This is part of why she now doesn't have DS without me or DH there, as he's not that big a boy really).

I don't think DS needs excitement at the moment. I think he needs stability and security at a very scary time.

Also, I don't feel like I have the energy to cope with a "fun time" visit where I would be expected to host and come up with ideas for days out and then there'd be huge disappointment when I just want to be there for DH and DS and survive this.

I told her I can't cope with hosting her at the moment and have practical support in place so there's no need for her to come up now unless she wants to stay in a hotel and fit in with our existing plans, but we'd be happy to host a "fun" visit if DH recovers, once he gets home.

DM is very upset and DB has said he thinks I'm unreasonable for not considering her feelings when she's "just trying to help".

Am I being unreasonable? Am I letting past issues get in the way of what my brother says is a genuine offer of help?

YABU - yes, apologise to DM and offer to host her visit.
YANBU - stick to the plans in place.

And good luck to DH, and to you and DS as well.

Yanbu. As others have said, your feelings, DS and DH should come first in this situation. Sorry to hear you have such an unsupportive family.

I'm so sorry about your DH. I hope he recovers.

As others have said only your feelings matter at this time.

Now, DM is concerned that DB thinks she's a "bad gran" so she wants to visit to take DS out to the beach

That's why she wants to visit. Not to help you at all.

but she has form for engineering things, eg skipping his afternoon nap because she thinks having fun is more important for a "big boy now" and then he's exhausted and can't do anything else that might have been planned.

So she wouldn't actually be helping to reduce the stress and pressure on you and DS.... she'd be adding to it.

“DM is very upset and DB has said he thinks I'm unreasonable for not considering her feelings when she's "just trying to help".

1. who cares what your brother thinks? I’d he’s contacting you to tell you he thinks you’re being unfair instead of to ask if you need support while DH is in hospital then he’s the selfish one. I’d point this out and the end any conversation with him.

2)who cares if your mum is upset. Your priority is your son and husband, not making your mum feel better after your brother Made a comment that made her feel bad. Maybe point out to her that she had a chance to be supportive when you first called her and she chose to end the conversation because she was going to lunch, now she only wants to help to make herself feel better.

Sounds like the overall dynamic is very unhealthy and toxic to you. I’d continue utilising other friends for support and keeping them at a distance. If they start trying to make you feel bad then distance even more. They won’t ever change.

DM is very upset

Oh well... she had her chance to help but lunch was more important.

She just wants to look "good" to your DB and her friends that she has "rushed to help you"...

DB has said he thinks I'm unreasonable for not considering her feelings when she's "just trying to help".

And where are they considering YOUR feelings? You're the one going through hell.... not them.

Stick to your arrangements and keep those emotional vampires at arm's length

Tell db that the help you needed, was when you rang her in a panic. And she had to go as she had to meet him for lunch...

(Flying monkey)

Years ago I had a situation where dh was in hospital when Dd was a year old. Immediate family all in a different country. I had one aunt here. Lovely and very fond of children but no actual experience of rearing children, keeping small ones safe etc. She came to stay but Dd went to nursery every day as usual but it meant aunt was there to babysit in the evening so I could visit dh in hospital

Could something like that work as a compromise?

DM is very upset and DB has said he thinks I'm unreasonable for not considering her feelings when she's "just trying to help".

Bloody hell. If you were my sister or daughter, I hope I'd have the sheer emotional and other intelligence to work out that the only people whose feelings matter in your circumstances are yours, your husband's and your child's, and that you are by far the best qualified to work out what is best for your child. I'm gobsmacked those words even came out of your brother's mouth.

"DM is very upset and DB has said he thinks I'm unreasonable for not considering her feelings when she's "just trying to help"."

DM and DB can go swivel. Your husband is in hospital, the only feelings that matters are yours, DS's and DH's. Golden Boy can console his mummy and bitch with her about you just as longs as they both stay away. You are correct that she's performing Good Gran to Golden Boy rather than actually trying to help. If Golden Boy contacts you again, I would find it difficult not to let rip. But then I wasn't raised as the Scapegoat, so I appreciate you'd find this difficult. So probably easier on you if you limit yourself to something along the lines of

'She can help best by staying at home, I have enough to deal with right now, I have nothing left over for her. I cannot host her, I cannot be distracted by her from what I need to do right now. I am being perfectly reasonable. If you want to help, then be there for her and leave me to get on with what I need to get on with.'

So sorry for you fining yourself in this situation, best wishes for your husband's recovery.((hug))

I'm so sorry.

You're absolutely right - stick to your plans. They are much better for ds.

Your mother sounds unhinged and wants to make it all about her.

Just worry about yourself, dh and ds. You don't need to worry about your mum's feelings. She clearly isn't worrying about yours.

Sending your dh best wishes for a full recovery.

I hope your DH recovers soon. He and your DS are your priority, the world does not revolve around your DM, however much she thinks it should.

Your mum isn't offering the help you and your family need. She is just saying things to make her look good. You would just be worrying about how your ds is if you let her look after him. I would just be matter of fact, that you have organised help and you'll let them know how your dh is soon.
I was going to suggest looking at Ring Theory too, which @GrannyOfDragons has posted above.
I hope your dh pulls through and is back home with you all soon 💐

YANBU

YANBU. She's only offering so she doesn't look bad in the eyes of others.

I would be furious with the pair of them.

Tell your mum, you had your chance to help and you chose lunch with DB.

And as for your brother…. When I really needed mum she chose to have lunch with you, despite the fact that DH was critically ill and I desperately needed help. And you have the brass neck to say I’m ungrateful now DM has finally decided to play granny of the year….
I have no time to play childish games with you two, nor will I have my child used to ease her conscience. I do not want DM visiting and upsetting DC.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Im so sorry about your husband. I hope he will be ok. Sending you and your DC a big hug xx

Im so sorry about your DH.

I would block your Mum and Brother for a week or two so they cant mess with your head/emotions and use any of your precious energy.

They are clearly not to be relied on for any kind of support and are most likely to be a drain on you.

I hope you have some good friends that you can lean on in RL, and if you dont come back to the Vipers Nest, we have your back.

Spend all the time you can with DH and DS, and dont forget to breathe, eat and sleep.

@DHillAIBU

I'm so sorry your husband is so ill and that,in your time of need, your mother and brother are playing one-up-man-ship games with you.

You are doing absolutely the right thing to focus on the needs of your husband, child and yourself. If you can, mute your brother and mother who are putting themselves first in this situation and carry on as you are.

I hope your husband's health improves and send you my very best wishes. Strength to you OP. 🌹

Ask your DB why he’s telling you to consider her feelings. Why is he not telling her to consider your feelings???

They obviously feed each others egos, so please don't listen to either of them.

You're in a crisis situation, and your mum blew you off. I would absolutely be saying no to a visit now.

When it all settles down, I'd be having a talk with her, let her know why you turned it down and ask her to start being there for you as she is your brother. Tell her how you felt disappointed that a lunch took precedence over your crisis and that it's not acceptable.

She needs to hear some home truths - they both do. Problem is, your brother probably just hears her warped side of stories.

Agree with this.

You poor woman.

I suspect you don't realise just how truly appalling and not normal your mothers response was.

Your brother and her are both a disgrace.

Step well away,people like this onlybever make things worse.

I really hope your husband pulls through.

I found myself in a situation somewhat like this a few years ago, except my (first) husband was sadly, never going to recover.

I had no brain space for anyone other than myself, him and the DC's. My parents just took up the slack in whatever way I asked. They were utterly brilliant, selfless, and I wouldn't have coped without them.

This is not what your mum is doing. She is just making drama for you at a time when you don't need it. You do what you need to do. Just do it.

Sending my very best wishes for your husband's recovery x

To be helpful and supportive her words should be " what do you NEED me to do? ". She is putting her needs and wants foremost in a very difficult situation. You know exactly what your son needs and or wants. If she cannot offer or meet those needs because she is only considering herself politely refuse. Do not be made to feel "guilted" by her wants.