Sensitive topic: Why am I not ”allowed” to be sad?

[DoomedForLoneliness]

…And dissapointed, at least sometimes?

I’ve been single/alone all my life, not by choice.
Sometimes I’m okey with it, sometimes (right now) I’m painfully lonely and don’t know what to do.

So to the point, sometimes - SOMETIMES, I would just like to talk about it, vent, maybe have some support, you know like people do.
But honestly, since no one can relate, I usually get useless comments such as :
at least you can do what you want, better alone than bad partner, enjoy your freedom etc, and there is also this pressure to be ’strong’ - I always havt deal everything on my own, never have any support, but it’s also like an ’it’ thing to be independent, strong woman (specially for those who don’t have to back that one up).
And I just feel worse about it all.

And truth be told: I’m tired, worn out, exhausted.

Other, who have so much, vent to me too, they have problems, there are long conversations and support.
Why can’t I ever get the same back?

Your friends sound shite. Sorry you are feeling low at the moment x

Who says you can't be sad? Has anyone actually said the words "you aren't allowed be sad"?

I ask because if not then maybe this is a you issue, not a them one?

Nobody stops us expressing sadness except ourselves. You may have learnt not to express emotion growing up, either because people invalidate you or you don't get any response at all... I don't know, I'm not you.

You allow people to rant about how shit things are for them I assume? If you do then no wonder they will come to you for a shoulder, see you as that person they can rely on.

Personally I'd say "hold on... I am trying to explain how I feel about this and it feels you aren't hearing it"... But that's just me - I have little filter and tend to say what is on my mind (politely of course).

You are totally allowed. I guess it is just the people you are talking too that is the issue.

Also maybe say "yes I haven't got those things and at the same time does that disqualify me from being sad sometimes?"

You MUST assert yourself or stay miserable. Or accept that it is what it is.

Good luck.

You are absolutely allowed to feel like this and I think anyone in your circumstances would feel the same but from my own experiences of having serious personal issues to deal with people do not want to deal with other people’s personal issues so while you can fleeting mention these to a close friend in the main you can only express these feelings to a decent experienced therapist.

It is a tough lesson to learn.

Maybe they are just trying to make you feel better. I can have a tendency to do this at times. I have done all this CBT as well which I think influences me.

Your feelings are valid x

Who says you can't be sad? Has anyone actually said the words "you aren't allowed be sad"?

Off, I tried to explain that in the op, maybe I didn’t do it well enough.
Usually I get ignored, or like I gave some examples I get told to happy about my freedom, or they say theif bf/hubby drives them crazy, men aren’t all that, I’m not missing out on anything.

Stupid comments like that.
So I feel like I’m basically told to shut up.
And there is no reason for me to be sad, apperently.

Because people want to help. Most people find it very hard to just sit and listen to someone who's struggling (I'm including myself in this, I'm a massive fixer), especially if it's not a partner /parent / child relationship where you can give them a good hug to feel like you're doing something at least.

People want to fix things for you, but short of magicking a partner our of thin air for you, there's not much they can do other than try and help other than try and look on the bright side of the situation.

They're not trying to invalidate your feelings, and the things they're saying are coming from a good place, even if it's not what you need.

Admitting to being lonely is for some reason something people really don’t like hearing.

You get a lot of comments about how lucky you are to be single, how great it is and they wish they were too.

Which is strange. But yes, I’ve been there too

Of course you’re allowed to be sad about it. Your friends aren’t very supportive.

It’s a difficult situation too, because friends can give you all the usual advice we’ve all heard before to try and find someone, but ultimately luck and “right place right time” plays a big part.

People want to fix things for you, but short of magicking a partner our of thin air for you, there's not much they can do other than try and help other than try and look on the bright side of the situation.

This. Ive got a friend going through similar, I try to keep her looking on the bright side - what else can I do? Say yes your life is shit?

It sounds like you need some better friends.

But what are you doing to find a partner if that’s what you want?

All of this!

I think lonliness is such a vast, not only feeling, but experience, and many of us maybe never learn to truly deal with it.
I wouldn’t tbh, if I didn’t have to.

Thank you for your comment and letting me know I’m not the only one who has dealt something like this
💐 for you too

Yes, unfortunately it makes people feel uncomfortable, if they are coupled up themselves. If a friend told me they were lonely, I’d worry that I’d make them feel worse (I’m married) or unwittingly come across as smug.

But I’ve been on my own too, and I know that hearing things like “having a man isn’t all that fun…” etc, doesn’t help at all. Yes, it’s all not all fun. But there are some parts of life that having a partner makes it easier to wade through.

If you say you are lonely, they hear 'bottomless pit '. They panic, because they don't want the job of filling that pit....

I think this is a cultural issue. A lot of people aren’t ready to just sit with sadness, it’s uncomfortable. So we try to cheer the sad person up, to get away from the discomfort. Your friends aren’t terrible, they’re pretty normal and doing what we’ve all been culturally adapted to do - brush over the uncomfortable emotion. It’s ok to be sad. It’s hard for other people to just acknowledge that sadness with you, which can make it worse for you.

OP It sounds like your friends are being dismissive of your situation. I’m guessing that makes you feel like you shouldn’t feel sad.
@Cuppasoupmonster you sound like a good friend - why don’t you just say “I’m sorry that you feel sad/disappointed etc etc” to validate her feelings. You don’t have to fix it, she might just want to vent to a trusted friend.

You say your single not by choice, does this mean you are actively seeking a partner but can't find one? I don't think your friends are intentionally trying to hurt you I think they're trying to cheer you up.

Not only that but you also have loads of spare money because you don't have children, allegedly.

Never mind that you pay the bills alone, never mind that you actually would love to have children and a partner.

I know what you mean OP. Some people find it hard just to listen to other people’s feelings without trying to ‘solve the problem’ for them. It can be uncomfortable hearing about someone’s loneliness, so you try to bat it away with a ‘but at least you…’ type comment. There’s also a certain ‘single
person stereotype’ (strong, independent etc) which not all of us fit! Might be worth putting your friends right from time to time when they offer unhelpful platitudes. Hope you’re ok.

I have a retired divorced friend in this situation and I don't feel I can say to her " Oh god it must be awful waking up in the morning with no one to talk to and the same at night" as that is just cruel. I have been there and know it. So I guess my conversation is about the things I did do to try to meet more people and what she does with her other family. I guess I have gently encouraged her by saying things like "I did this or that" and I think slowly the tide is beginning to turn. It's not that people/friends aren't interested BUT I do believe that unless someone has not been in this boat they do have little real idea so eg the ones who say "OMG if my H died I would never get married again" etc - useless. Of course everyone was single at one point but that is not the same.

You're totally allowed to be sad about it sometimes. Your friends sound a bit rubbish. I didn't meet my husband until I was 38 and all my friends were long married. Many of them didn't really understand how hard it is sometimes being on your own because they hadn't done it. Some of them did because they have empathy. Those friends were good at helping me see that there are pro's and cons to both situations, and were good at cheering me up if I felt a bit low.

It's not an excuse, but maybe they only see the good bits of being on your own (there are many!) because they don't get to experience those and think that you're lucky because you don't have the same issues they have with their families and partners. It's rather short sited of them not to think beyond that though. I mean do you answer "well at least you don't have to navigate life on your own and have a partner to share it with" when they moan to you? Probably not (tempting as it might be).

No one is suggesting you say that @MrsGhandi

I know MN isn’t famed for tact at times but seriously.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with ‘I can understand that, I think I’d feel the same’ if someone broaches it.

Thats all. It’s like threads where people bleat they don’t know what to say to the bereaved. It’s perfectly acceptable to just say ‘I am so sorry you lost your Granny’ or whatever. It doesn’t have to be the huge drama people are making it out to be!

Because people are shit at empathy. I love this video.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=KZBTYViDPlQ

It's OK for YOU because YOU don't have another person to consult YOU can just go out by YOURSELF and DO WHAT YOU WANT said no lonely person ever ffs

I have kids and I'm alone no adult around just me the buck stops here and almost all my partnered friends (i dont know anyone single really) keep telling me how lucky I am I have one friend who knows its a bit shit really my other friends are not in happy relationships and like to shit on me when they are struggling with their "life choices"