Sensitive topic: Why am I not ”allowed” to be sad?

[DoomedForLoneliness]

…And dissapointed, at least sometimes?

I’ve been single/alone all my life, not by choice.
Sometimes I’m okey with it, sometimes (right now) I’m painfully lonely and don’t know what to do.

So to the point, sometimes - SOMETIMES, I would just like to talk about it, vent, maybe have some support, you know like people do.
But honestly, since no one can relate, I usually get useless comments such as :
at least you can do what you want, better alone than bad partner, enjoy your freedom etc, and there is also this pressure to be ’strong’ - I always havt deal everything on my own, never have any support, but it’s also like an ’it’ thing to be independent, strong woman (specially for those who don’t have to back that one up).
And I just feel worse about it all.

And truth be told: I’m tired, worn out, exhausted.

Other, who have so much, vent to me too, they have problems, there are long conversations and support.
Why can’t I ever get the same back?

Well, with the utmost respect, how do you know you’d be happier in a relationship?
because people know what they want. Even if that changes later on. You want to be with someone, other people know they’d prefer to be alone. I said I wouldn’t ever be in a relationship again…and 10 years after my divorce I still mean it.

i think you need to be clearer to your friends and say ‘I don’t want you to try and solve this, I just want to tell you that feel lonely’. If they still shut you down you need new friends.

Perhaps you're staying too long around the wrong people? They may love you as a friend but they clearly don't understand your struggles the way you understand theirs, so the relationship seems a bit one sided. No wonder you're frustrated. And yes, I think you have the right to be frustrated, even though I'm saying that through gritted teeth right now trying to calm my brain after a double temper tantrum

If they aren't also single, they might be able to show sympathy but they can't feel empathy as well.

How do you work that one out?

You're picking on one little point of my post as opposed to the main theme which is people trying not to make the person feel even more crap about their situation.

You are right, sorry I didn’t mean to belittle anyone, I apologize.

I should have said that I just don’t like it when it’s used as simple throwaway line, if that makes sense. Like it’s just a easy little thing, a joke.

But yes, some people have this and rather have that. While others have that and would love nothing more than having this.
(that sounded better in my head)

@WhoppingBigBackside because to empathise it's easier if you are in the same situation. If OPs friends are in relationships, the situation is not as close to their experience so they can't feel the pain (I think that's what the word empathise means) with OP. I doubt they mean to be unempathetic, but it isn't as natural. I'm sure there are YouTube videos explaining difference between sympathy and empathy better than me!

I don’t think that’s true. Just because someone is in a relationship now doesn’t mean they haven’t been single and/ or lonely in the past and relate to those feelings. You don’t have to be in the same exact situation as a person at the same exact time to feel empathy.

@MolkosTeenageAngst I think the way I worded it was wrong! I didn't meant they can't show empathy as well as sympathy, but that it isn't as easy if you aren't in the same situation. I posted above. Sorry

I honestly didn’t think you meant it belittlingly (I don’t think that’s a word), just that maybe you are hypersensitive (which is allowed!) and taking things in a way they aren’t meant. ❤️

Op you don’t need to apologise at all. Loneliness and feeling unsupported is such an empty feeling. The more you do to try and enjoy your life, the more the smug marrieds leap to all kind of conclusions. Yes you are right being alone is better than putting up with the utter shite women on this site put up with, that doesn’t mean you don’t want a person to love you, love them and share your life with someone. Those in long relationships have no idea any more what it’s like.

Doesn't sound like they're trying to shut you down or invalidate you, they're trying to reframe the negativity and make you feel that you're not inferior. It would be uncomfortable for them to basically say 'yes, it must be terrible for you not to have what I have.'

It's different if you're both in the same situation which is why your married friends get a different response.

Next time you can explain to them. Say it's just how you feel and you would prefer to have that acknowledged, not reframed or minimised.

Or it could just be an issue your friends can't help with, in which case therapy might be an idea.