Sensitive topic: Why am I not ”allowed” to be sad?

[DoomedForLoneliness]

…And dissapointed, at least sometimes?

I’ve been single/alone all my life, not by choice.
Sometimes I’m okey with it, sometimes (right now) I’m painfully lonely and don’t know what to do.

So to the point, sometimes - SOMETIMES, I would just like to talk about it, vent, maybe have some support, you know like people do.
But honestly, since no one can relate, I usually get useless comments such as :
at least you can do what you want, better alone than bad partner, enjoy your freedom etc, and there is also this pressure to be ’strong’ - I always havt deal everything on my own, never have any support, but it’s also like an ’it’ thing to be independent, strong woman (specially for those who don’t have to back that one up).
And I just feel worse about it all.

And truth be told: I’m tired, worn out, exhausted.

Other, who have so much, vent to me too, they have problems, there are long conversations and support.
Why can’t I ever get the same back?

Some people just feel the need to offer solutions when they're presented with a problem.

I used to be, for years.
Then I did the one advice I never took before and decided to stop looking, because ”it happens when you least expect” (so far not true 😉) but I felt like I have to stop, at least for now, I just didn’t have it in me anymore.

Yes you should be allowed to feel sad and lonely and express that (without obviously accusing the other person of not doing enough)

But it's hard when someone is trying to not be single. I have been there. Friends do try and be positive. And can't really say much. Connects about "just relax and it will happen" or "got to be happy with yourself first" are patronising. They can't agree that you are say a bit odd and will find it hard to find a man. Or too successful. Or comment on your looks.
So it's easier to go the other way and mention the good things about being single to support you in the reality of your life.

This. They're trying to be helpful and it's backfiring.
Learn to say "Look I know you're trying to help, but actually can you just let me vent for a bit and express how I feel please?"

You're allowed to be sad. Hope you're okay x

I do think it's natural for people to try and point out the positives in a situation, however you don't feel that the things they are raising are positives for you - which is fine, we all see things differently.

What isn't helping here is that you view their different opinions as being an effort to silence you which isn't true IMO. You just don't see things the same way.

I also wonder if you are actually clearly saying 'I feel lonely', because if you are trying to hint about this by saying other things hoping your friends will pick up on the lonely aspect this could be another reason for feeling unsupported. You mention supporting your friends - what is it that you would feel as support in these situations? Is it someone who will just listen and not comment, would that make you feel more heard?

Have you actually told people this Op? They are just trying to comfort you. Tell them you would just prefer them to listen and not to offer solutions.

I do believe that unless someone has not been in this boat they do have little real idea so eg the ones who say "OMG if my H died I would never get married again" etc - useless. Of course everyone was single at one point but that is not the same.

This comment drives me insane!
I’ve seen it so many times on MN.
People with partners saying they would never bother with a man/partner again!
How would they actually know?

Next time a married/partnered friend says them 'you're better off on your own , men aren't all that...' I swear I'm going to ask them when they're going to leave this irritating husband of theirs, because they can make themselves single and join me whenever they like.

I, unfortunately, can't make myself partnered.

I think it’s natural to want to point out any positives to try to make you feel better, it’s human nature. It’s hard to listen to people’s problems without offering any bright side. Perhaps you need to talk to a counsellor?

They just don't understand and feel they have to say something.

I've been lonely in a relationship and now lonely single, they are both shit lol

I think what most people probably mean by that is that they aren't going to go actively looking for a partner, particularly whilst raising children.

Sorry you're feeling sad and lonely. I think people just want something to say really. They're trying to empathise with you - being in an unhappy relationship can be a very lonely place. I know it's a different situation but maybe it's all they have to draw on.

Few people have pointed out that maybe I haven’t spelled it out for them.
This could be it.
I don’t remember exactly what I’ve said, but if the topic ever comes up (I don’t actually bring this up often, I have a lot of shame around the topic) again, I’ll make it more clear.

Next time a married/partnered friend says them 'you're better off on your own , men aren't all that...' I swear I'm going to ask them when they're going to leave this irritating husband of theirs, because they can make themselves single and join me whenever they like.

Hah, imagine how that would go!

I, unfortunately, can't make myself partnered.

Yep, sorry you’re in this situation also.

Once I plucked up the courage to tell my friend i was feeling depressed and she asked what I had to be depressed about? I hear you OP.

I understand you completely.

I spent most of 20’s single while all my friends had long term partners, got married etc. it’s shit.

its less lonely when everyone is single, but I bet you’re also finding that friends becomes less sociable as they spend time with partners/ family.

I got divorced after a short marriage, which actually did make me appreciate being single again.

but overall, I would’ve loved a healthy, long term relationship. Despite their constant moaning about their DH’s, my friends have emotional support/ companionship and financial stability. Overall it’s a more comfortable life when you can split the hills.

Have you read any books by Brené Browne? She writes about vulnerability and a key message I have learned from her is only to share my vulnerability with people who are able to hear it. So I have become selective about who I share my feelings with, or when. For example, my DH is generally utterly shit with listening to me express vulnerable feelings (lovely in other ways), so mostly I don’t. Or I pick my timing carefully anyway. I have other family members and friends with whom I share different thoughts and feelings.
maybe this would help?

I remember single friends mentioning being lonely in lockdown and agreeing it was a shit time. I didn't try and mention that being with partner 24/7 was a bit much too. I probably mentioned that in passing at another time if asked but I have some tact.

So I think try Abs be clearer. You are feeling sad about x and that's just the truth. Now if you wanted a specific action mention that too -someone to come to ikea with you to help with carrying stuff, do that too, much easier to respond to a request.

I feel the same. I am long term single for a myriad of reasons but I feel sad I don’t have somebody to share things with and that I’m unlikely to ever have children or family life. I always thought I would have these things. Like you, I find people don’t relate and don’t think it’s a reasonable reason to be sad.

I have supported friends through infertility and bad relationships and break ups etc but I feel like nobody sees my being lonely and sad about being permanently single as a sad thing. I tried to talk to a friend about how I was sad I would probably never have children and it was completely dismissed, I was told I could use a sperm donor if I wanted them that badly. In reality I couldn’t afford that but because it’s not a physical impossibility my friend totally dismissed my feelings. I feel like that’s constantly the case, if I express I’m lonely I’m just told I should OLD or told I should be happy I don’t share a bed with somebody who snores and can watch whatever I want on TV.

No advice I’m afraid but just wanted to say I understand and can relate

I used to struggle with what to say to a close friend when she said that she was lonely. I've never felt lonely. Any need for company I can fulfill with friendships, or at one time fuck buddies. I am in a relationship now, but we met by accident and got on really well. That's what happened with each of my relationships. I'd always listen to a friend and sympathise, but I probably couldn't off anything of much use in the way of advice.

Unbelievable!
I’m so sorry.

Thank you for writing @MolkosTeenageAngst

I just wanted to say that everything you wrote resonated.
I’ve always been pretty 50/50 about kids, but resent years I still had to make some peace with the fact that it won’t ever be me.

I got all the same dismissals as you.

I wonder if some people just ’get’ into relationships so much easier that they can’t fathom that there isin’t a relationship around the corner for all of us.

Take care 🌹🌷

I can relate to your need to just offload. You just want someone to acknowledge your feelings and say they understand and they care. When people offer either solutions or platitudes, worse still comparisons to those who have it 'much worse' it's almost a form of minimising but at that moment this pain is the focus of your being.

I think it's human nature for the listener to want to do all of those things. I've acquired a listening skill set through years of working in MH/Healthcare but its still hard and easy to slip into old ways.

One technique I've used as the listener is l've asked someone to imagine I'm a film director and I'm making a movie about them. This will just be a snapshot of them atm so I need to know exactly how they're feeling. Go.
I'm not suggesting you ask your friends and family to do quite this, but could you start off a conversation by saying "I really need someone to listen to and acknowledge how I'm feeling right now." Make is clear you know these feelings are transient but just like physical pain at this particular moment that pain is your world. It's also useful as a tracking method to notice if you're slipping into depression eg friend says "that's the forth time this week you've said your life has no meaning"
Depending on your character you might wanna try a more 'upbeat' approach. I have a particular friend where we say/sing to each other "Do you have the time, to listen to me whine about nothing snd everything all at once?".....sometimes the other one will join in and ask. We're all entitled to be a melodramatic fools at times.

I've read and re-read this thread and this demonstrates beautifully how even with the best will in the world its difficult to truly listen and empathise. We've all done it here, offering advice and explanations. Yes that's what you asked for but it wasn't what you wanted. One or too people have simply acknowledged you and they seem to have experienced similar feelings.
I've not really felt crippling lonely (fleetingly maybe) but I've felt loss/heartbreak and I'd imagine it's similar. Your feelings are real. Your feelings are valid. Your feelings are you. X

You’re allowed to feel crap. The financial and admin burden or being single alone is a lot to shoulder plus constant messages that you should be in a relationship. There are positive sides which married people will probably go on at you about (as a married person I could name a few!) but that doesn’t mean you can’t feel sad about how things are.

I think it's harder to be single since Covid. Many family units and couples seem to batten down the hatches at weekends now and have family time after discovering that a bit of peace and quiet and not being so busy in lockdown had its upsides.

I had NEVER felt lonely pre Covid despite being single all my life really. Now in my early forties I'm starting to notice that I can go a couple of weeks without socialising in the evening which means I don't have a face-to-face proper conversation with an adult and don't have company and then I start realising how nice it would be to have a simple conversation with a partner when we both get in from work etc. Not a deep and meaningful conversation, just day-to-day minutiae.