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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who's at fault? Grandma or grandson?

98 replies

MARTENIK · 03/02/2023 19:50

Hello,

Grandson (18) in first year of uni is retaking a few of his exams. Life at home with his older brother is tough (drug addiction), they constantly fight and the environment is unhealthy in general, not allowing him to study properly.
His mum calls his grandma and asks if he could stay at hers for a week, prior to his exam, to study.

Grandma emptied her old son's room to give him room to revise and have privacy.

Everything was going well for a few days. Then, one of the grandson's cousins was coming from abroad with their new baby. Traditionally, you have a two day long party for the baby. The first day is more of a religious ceremony and preps with close family and the second day is when the larger family gathers and everyone eats together etc...

Grandson had told his grandma that he had finished revising and had his weekend free.
Grandma and her children as well as her other grandchildren the same age as grandson went to the first day of the party but grandma didn't allow grandson to come, saying there was not enough room in the car and that his mum sent him there to study, and that he should stay home with his grandpa to revise and come with them the day after.

Grandson lashed out at grandma and his aunts and uncles when they came back.

Grandma has a history of not treating grandson's mum fairly.

Who is at fault?

OP posts:

harrassedmumto3 · 04/02/2023 12:44

Grandson.

ShimmeringShirts · 04/02/2023 12:49

tbh I’d say it was your fault, not your sons or your mothers. If, as you say yourself, she has a history of treating you poorly then why the hell would you send your son to stay with her? Why would you not choose someone a lot more appropriate for him to stay with or kick your drug addled adult son out instead?

Johnnysgirl · 04/02/2023 12:53

the unhealthy dynamic grandma has created in the family
The op has managed to create an unhealthy dynamic all by herself.

RosettaTheGardenFairy · 04/02/2023 12:58

Not good that your son lashed out, but if his home environment is so monopolized by his drug addict sibling that he can't get any studying done so has to leave his home, and then his grandparents take all cousins to a family event bar him, I can see why he is feeling so vulnerable and un- prioritised by everyone that he spoke out the way he did.

Hope he's okay, both now and long term.

Calphurnia88 · 04/02/2023 12:59

InspectorPaws · 03/02/2023 20:18

Everyone is being unreasonable.

You are being unreasonable shipping off your child who needs to study to gain qualifications and prioritising the child who wants to sit around taking drugs.
The son is being unreasonable to shout at his grandmother when he is a guest in her home and she is doing him a favour.
The grandmother is being unreasonable to uninvited a grandchild from a family event and tell him that he isn’t welcome when he’s perfectly capable and responsible for his own time and priorities.

All around, a pretty poor show.

This.

No one is coming out of this well, although I do suspect DS is feeling upset at being palmed off to stay at Grandma's house to study (and only study) whilst everyone else is out celebrating and his brother is allowed to stay at home. This might explain why he shouted at Grandma.

PennyRa · 04/02/2023 13:00

That poor boy must feel very pushed out of his own family. I wouldn't be surprised if if he went NC once he's able

ThinWomansBrain · 04/02/2023 13:03

sounds like the GF pulling the strings TBH - but the GPs have kindly put him up for the week to facilitate studying, GS should be more appreciative & not act like a spoilt brat.

Luredbyapomegranate · 04/02/2023 13:05

HeddaGarbled · 03/02/2023 19:57

Grandson, I think. A young man shouldn’t be “lashing out” at his grandmother who has been doing him a favour.

He may have had a point (though the point of him staying there was that he was supposed to be revising) but this should have been discussed in a more reasonable manner.

This obviously.

He needs to apologise.

Luredbyapomegranate · 04/02/2023 13:06

PennyRa · 04/02/2023 13:00

That poor boy must feel very pushed out of his own family. I wouldn't be surprised if if he went NC once he's able

Overreaction of the day 🥇

Johnnysgirl · 04/02/2023 13:07

Luredbyapomegranate · 04/02/2023 13:06

Overreaction of the day 🥇

Show quote history

Hardly??

RosettaTheGardenFairy · 04/02/2023 13:07

ThinWomansBrain · 04/02/2023 13:03

sounds like the GF pulling the strings TBH - but the GPs have kindly put him up for the week to facilitate studying, GS should be more appreciative & not act like a spoilt brat.

I don't think it's fair to call a young lad who's mother prioritizes his drug addict brother over him a spolit brat - how is he spolit? Who is prioritizing him, let alone spoiling him?

Silvers11 · 04/02/2023 13:08

InspectorPaws · 03/02/2023 20:18

Everyone is being unreasonable.

You are being unreasonable shipping off your child who needs to study to gain qualifications and prioritising the child who wants to sit around taking drugs.
The son is being unreasonable to shout at his grandmother when he is a guest in her home and she is doing him a favour.
The grandmother is being unreasonable to uninvited a grandchild from a family event and tell him that he isn’t welcome when he’s perfectly capable and responsible for his own time and priorities.

All around, a pretty poor show.

100% Agree with this post

PennyRa · 04/02/2023 13:11

Luredbyapomegranate · 04/02/2023 13:06

Overreaction of the day 🥇

Show quote history

Children have a right to their own feelings and self worth. They are a person not a puppet

marvellousmaple · 04/02/2023 20:23

As a temporary solution could he not study in the library? Only needs bus money and some lunch, then come home have tea and go to his room to avoid the older brother. Get him a lock for his door if older brother is charging in or knicking his stuff. That should give him plenty of time to revise in peace.
I'd swerve Grandma and Grandpa for a while until everyone has calmed down after a brief call, from you, apologising for any upset caused and thanking them for putting him up. Then leave it be.

2bazookas · 04/02/2023 20:40

Your son was rude and ungrateful.

Johnnysgirl · 04/02/2023 20:43

2bazookas · 04/02/2023 20:40

Your son was rude and ungrateful.

The poor sod has precious little to be grateful for.

7eleven · 13/07/2023 15:32

Grandma was doing what she was asked to do - support grandson through his exams. Presumably if he fails them again, he could be in trouble at uni.

GO GRANDMA. Sounds like she should be education minister!

7eleven · 13/07/2023 15:33

Johnnysgirl · 04/02/2023 20:43

The poor sod has precious little to be grateful for.

Show quote history

Perhaps, but on this occasion he’s got a grandma who’s going to make sure he passes his exams.

LostAtTheCrossRoad · 13/07/2023 15:36

ZOMBIE!

7eleven · 13/07/2023 15:37

LostAtTheCrossRoad · 13/07/2023 15:36

ZOMBIE!

NOOO! Did he pass, I wonder 😂

7eleven · 13/07/2023 15:38

How does a zombie thread appear in trending?!

Babsexxx · 13/07/2023 15:41

Why drip feed op?!! Grandmas a fucking nasty loon! And extremely spiteful to single out grandson like that but things should be much easier for him in his own home?! Like kicking the drug addict brother out for a start…..

Viviennemary · 13/07/2023 15:41

Grandma was at fault. Firstly he was there for peace and quiet and whole family came to stay. Then they went out for a days partying amd left him behind. No wonder he feels hard done by. He seems always to be last in anybodys priorities.

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