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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who's at fault? Grandma or grandson?

98 replies

MARTENIK · 03/02/2023 19:50

Hello,

Grandson (18) in first year of uni is retaking a few of his exams. Life at home with his older brother is tough (drug addiction), they constantly fight and the environment is unhealthy in general, not allowing him to study properly.
His mum calls his grandma and asks if he could stay at hers for a week, prior to his exam, to study.

Grandma emptied her old son's room to give him room to revise and have privacy.

Everything was going well for a few days. Then, one of the grandson's cousins was coming from abroad with their new baby. Traditionally, you have a two day long party for the baby. The first day is more of a religious ceremony and preps with close family and the second day is when the larger family gathers and everyone eats together etc...

Grandson had told his grandma that he had finished revising and had his weekend free.
Grandma and her children as well as her other grandchildren the same age as grandson went to the first day of the party but grandma didn't allow grandson to come, saying there was not enough room in the car and that his mum sent him there to study, and that he should stay home with his grandpa to revise and come with them the day after.

Grandson lashed out at grandma and his aunts and uncles when they came back.

Grandma has a history of not treating grandson's mum fairly.

Who is at fault?

OP posts:

Nimbostratus100 · 04/02/2023 01:18

Grandson is in the wrong.

He is accepting hospitality to give him time and space to study quietly

That is what he should be doing. No he hasn't "finished"! until the exam is over. And if he has, then he should be back home, and going to party from home, not expecting to go from Grandmothers house

goldeneric · 04/02/2023 01:35

Pretty sure the uni will have a library where he could study. Also, surely if he's old enough to be at uni, he should be taking responsibility for his own studies and not effectively being grounded by his gran to study!? His attitude doesn't sound the best either imo.

Vegansausagevole · 04/02/2023 03:05

The only reason your son was at his grandparents in the first place is because of how things are at home, maybe you should be thinking about whether the blame / solution lies closer to home OP?

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 04/02/2023 03:19

Vegansausagevole · 04/02/2023 03:05

The only reason your son was at his grandparents in the first place is because of how things are at home, maybe you should be thinking about whether the blame / solution lies closer to home OP?

Seriously? She is doing her best dealing with a drug addict sim and you're laying this crap on her?

There is only so much you can do to make sure your DC turn out into lovely adults, anyone's children can go off the rail, even yours, and there is not a whole hell of a lot you can do about it!!

NumberTheory · 04/02/2023 03:48

I think the grandmother sounds like a bit of a bully.

Your DS should be old enough not to lash out in those circumstances. His grandmother’s house was useful to him for studying. He might need that sort of refuge again and now he’s going to have a harder time getting it. And the lashing out did nothing to make his life better. But it does sound like he’s had a tough time and he’s still pretty young, so it’s not that surprising if he’s at the end of his rope and doesn’t cope well.

I think it’s a shame your only resource to help him was a woman who had form for treating you badly. If you can, try and find some other way to support him.

JudgeRudy · 04/02/2023 04:39

It sounds to me like you're all a bit unreasonable but the whole set up sounds odd.
Your son is having to retake exams because he's been unable to study due to his older brothers addiction. Why is his addiction brother bring prioritised?
Heroes to stay with his grandparents for a bit so he can study. Whilst his there his grandmother goes to a family party in the car. Your son would like to come but your mother says no, there's no room in the car and besides he needs to get on with studying. He's left behind and his grandfather forbids him to leave the home. He lashes out when they return and grandma's put out by this.
How much did he 'lash out'? It seems unusual for a angry 18 year old to on the one hand obey his grandads rules ie don't leave, but also lash out. Could it be you're from a culture where it is the norm for youngsters to obey their parents/elders and he was just a bit loud or answered back? Whilst I don't think it's great, particularly as he's a guest, but I think I'd cut him some slack.
So it didn't work out at grandparents, he's being treated like a baby and bossed about and your home (his) isn't safe and secure.
I feel a bit sorry for him really. I hope he doesn't fail his exams. Your other son has made his choices, this one is at uni and studying and now there's friction because he yelled at his gran....don't blame her tho....he shouldn't be there, he should be will you. Stop favouring your other son.

Dontsparethehorses · 04/02/2023 04:45

Currently living with grandma feels like a red herring. If he wasn’t living with her would he have been invited? If not then he doesn’t gain rights to come because he’s living with them. If he would have been invited WHY did grandma say he could come? Because she didn’t want his brother to come? Because she thought he should be studying? More details required to know who is being unreasonable!

aonbharr · 04/02/2023 04:55

The grandmother is wrong.

FeinCuroxiVooz · 04/02/2023 05:03

an 18yo ought to have the self control and respect not to lash out (verbally or otherwise) when not getting what he wants. his disappointment and frustration at being treated as a naughty child by his grandparents is totally understandable and his grandparents were certainly unreasonable to make him stay at the house if he had genuinely done all the academic work he needed to. however he lost all moral highground by expressing that in such an adolescent way. everyone was being unreasonable.

Funkyblues101 · 04/02/2023 05:08

You don't "finish" revising for resits, you revise up until the exams. (Which is what he should have done for the first round of exams.)
Why would you encourage him to not revise?

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/02/2023 05:23

There is so much anger and blame circulating in your family. It isn’t surprising your ds lashed out. By still housing your eldest, you are placing your youngest last. Yet you’re upset with his grandparents for what you think is doing exactly the same thing.

In amongst this is a young man, who wants to study and get on in life. If you really intend to facilitate this, you can get the police to remove your eldest from your home, encourage your ds in his studies and tell him he should apologise to his gps.

I also agree with his gps. He hasn’t been given enough support by his mum and they thought their role was to help him knuckle down to avoid failing again. As for taking him to the party, his grandma really was in a difficult place - damned if she did, damned if she didn’t. His gps chose to push him to study. Not surprising really, his future really is on the line here and revision absolutely trumps a 2 day family party.

emptythelitterbox · 04/02/2023 05:43

Where is your son's father in all this?

Floppyelf · 04/02/2023 05:45

InspectorPaws · 03/02/2023 20:18

Everyone is being unreasonable.

You are being unreasonable shipping off your child who needs to study to gain qualifications and prioritising the child who wants to sit around taking drugs.
The son is being unreasonable to shout at his grandmother when he is a guest in her home and she is doing him a favour.
The grandmother is being unreasonable to uninvited a grandchild from a family event and tell him that he isn’t welcome when he’s perfectly capable and responsible for his own time and priorities.

All around, a pretty poor show.

This pretty much.

Theunamedcat · 04/02/2023 05:54

Can you not remove the addict brother from the home will the police not help?

Grandparents should not be so mean if he has been working hard

Bellalalala · 04/02/2023 05:56

This sounds like a bit of shit show to be honest.

He went to stay there to study quietly, because in his mothers home priority has been given to his drug addicted older sibling.

The grand parents put themselves out to support him ‘study for a week’. But when a party is planned he has all of a sudden ‘finished revising’, but not finished enough that he has gone back home. The grandparents, who were asked to support him in his studies made a judgment call that he was there to study. Not go to a party.

He then lets his anger out at the grand parents.

and the mother in all this is asking wether the son or her parents are to blame. No mention of any responsibility she holds for the situation, where her son can’t stay in his own home. No responsibility for bringing him home if he and really finished studying. No responsibility for her putting her parents in a situation where they felt they had to make a decision about wether he should stay and study or attend a party. No responsibility for the anger her son feels by all the above.

Maybe the mother needs to stop looking at her parents and son and realise she put them all in a difficult situation. That she is harming her 18 year old.

I always love when an Op wants their parents to step up and provide extra support for their kids and then as soon as the grandparents do something they don’t like the Op insists there’s a history of the parents treating the Op badly. Yet, that didn’t matter when they wanted something.

I don’t agree with the grandmas decision. I can however see how she felt that since he was having to resit and has had challenges at home, she was doing the right thing by trying to make him study more. She probably thought it was in his best interests, long term.

Original poster

MARTENIK · 04/02/2023 05:57

emptythelitterbox · 04/02/2023 05:43

Where is your son's father in all this?

We are divorced
Blocked older DS and only sees youngest DS occasionally
Refuses to help financially

OP posts:

emptythelitterbox · 04/02/2023 06:12

MARTENIK · 04/02/2023 05:57

We are divorced
Blocked older DS and only sees youngest DS occasionally
Refuses to help financially

Show quote history

So they sadly have a neglectful shitbag of a father who has given them zero guidance in life.

No wonder they're struggling.

How old is the oldest and what does he do for money?

The youngest shouldn't have yelled at grandmother over a party.

He needs to keep to his studies and he a low profile until he proves himself. Find a part time job and a room share with some other students.

BurntOutGirl · 04/02/2023 06:20

Of course you can get your drug addict son to leave.

Change the locks and call the police.

You are currently focusing on the wrong issues and not facing up to the fact that this situation with the GP has arisen because you are not addressing the crappy home life you are giving him.

maryberryslayers · 04/02/2023 06:24

The person who is unreasonable in all this is you (and your sons father) The boy should be able to live and study at home without being disrupted by a drug user. If he won't leave call the police and have them remove him and change the locks.

Cocobutt · 04/02/2023 11:12

Your poor son, I could cry for him.

Does he like it at his grandmas place?

I can only imagine how difficult it must be to have an older so who is an addict but I agree with PPs that you need to work on removing him from your home.

You are very lucky that your younger DS hasn’t gone down the same path already but he still could and it’s important you try and limit his trauma as much as possible.

A very basic part of parenting is ensuring that children feel safe and wanted in their own home.
Your son does not feel life this in his own home and he doesn’t feel like this at his grandmas either.

How sad is it that he has to try and save for a flat because he can’t live at home or his grans.
His situation is going to become more desperate so he’s going to have to stop studying and get a FT job just to pay his rent.

Flossflower · 04/02/2023 12:04

I feel sorry for everyone concerned.
The mother who must be having a very hard time herself should have kicked the older son out. The grandparents thought they were encouraging their grandson to study. The son obviously feels he is missing out BUT
students who do well in exams do not have free time just before them.

drpet49 · 04/02/2023 12:12

mathanxiety · 03/02/2023 19:59

Grandma clearly has some sort of pole up her arse here. What she did was mean spirited. She's playing favorites. Not cool.

Yelling at everyone achieved the goal of alienating the family from grandson. You don't turn someone else's occasion into your chance to vent. He succeeded in feeding the unhealthy dynamic grandma has created in the family.

I agree with this.

seratoninmoonbeams · 04/02/2023 12:31

How is it a drip feed when it's all written in the first post?

Viviennemary · 04/02/2023 12:37

Faults on both sides. Grandson should be grateful for being allowed to stay. Bit mean he was excluded from the party.

Logburnerperils · 04/02/2023 12:40

You don't lash out at your grandma regardless. Have a chat maybe at a more appropriate time.

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