Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who's at fault? Grandma or grandson?

98 replies

MARTENIK · 03/02/2023 19:50

Hello,

Grandson (18) in first year of uni is retaking a few of his exams. Life at home with his older brother is tough (drug addiction), they constantly fight and the environment is unhealthy in general, not allowing him to study properly.
His mum calls his grandma and asks if he could stay at hers for a week, prior to his exam, to study.

Grandma emptied her old son's room to give him room to revise and have privacy.

Everything was going well for a few days. Then, one of the grandson's cousins was coming from abroad with their new baby. Traditionally, you have a two day long party for the baby. The first day is more of a religious ceremony and preps with close family and the second day is when the larger family gathers and everyone eats together etc...

Grandson had told his grandma that he had finished revising and had his weekend free.
Grandma and her children as well as her other grandchildren the same age as grandson went to the first day of the party but grandma didn't allow grandson to come, saying there was not enough room in the car and that his mum sent him there to study, and that he should stay home with his grandpa to revise and come with them the day after.

Grandson lashed out at grandma and his aunts and uncles when they came back.

Grandma has a history of not treating grandson's mum fairly.

Who is at fault?

OP posts:
Original poster
MARTENIK · 03/02/2023 20:01

LIZS · 03/02/2023 20:00

If he wanted to go to both days, and was invited, it was up to you/him to facilitate if he could spare time. Sounds like he created a big deal out of nothing.

his grandfather didn't allow him to leave, and grandma refused when my nephew offered to pick him up

OP posts:
Sceptre86 · 03/02/2023 20:02

Sounds like she thought he probably did need the extra time to study. It's a shame to fall out but why should she stand for being shouted at in her own home? Presumably he stayed there for a week at there expense?

SleepingStandingUp · 03/02/2023 20:02

MARTENIK · 03/02/2023 19:58

They all called me complaining about him, they don't talk to him anymore and neither does he

Show quote history

If he's finished revising, why isn't he coming home? Why didn't he contact you prior to the party to ask if he could go?

Is student accommodation an issue? Controlling Grandma at one end and an addict brother at the other

StephanieSuperpowers · 03/02/2023 20:03

MARTENIK · 03/02/2023 20:01

but not to study no

Show quote history

I'm just trying to figure out whether the grandparents felt responsible for giving him the space and making him study and felt they had to facilitate it but the other kids would have been on their devices or watching TV or some other missable activity if they didn't go.

Riverlee · 03/02/2023 20:03

The son was wrong to lash out.

However, I can understand that he felt it was abit unfair that he wasn’t allowed to the first day’s activities when he was staying at his Grandma’s house, especially as he had made it clear that he had finish his revision. Also, no teen likes to be told what to do.

If there was no room in the car, maybe Grandma should have ask if he didn’t mind not going due to transport problems.

Maybe Grandma felt she should honour the reason that he was staying at her house for.

Delphinium20 · 03/02/2023 20:07

I feel that your son shouldn't have yelled at his grandparents, but why did Grandma dictate your son couldn't go to the party? Grandson is 18 - does grandma really think she has a right to control his freedom of movement? That seems very odd.

I think grandson should have simply ignored grandma and found his own ride to the party. Instead, he acted like a child throwing a tantrum who still believes his grandmother has power over his actions.

Johnnysgirl · 03/02/2023 20:07

Why isn't he living in halls, if his home life includes a drug addled brother preventing him from studying? Sounds grim.

Tinkerbyebye · 03/02/2023 20:08

grandma

but I would be bringing him back home and telling the drug addict to leave

ASimpleLampoon · 03/02/2023 20:10

I am doubtful anyone voting yabu would be as chill if it were them \ their child being excluded so blatantly.

Original poster
MARTENIK · 03/02/2023 20:11

Johnnysgirl · 03/02/2023 20:07

Why isn't he living in halls, if his home life includes a drug addled brother preventing him from studying? Sounds grim.

His brother was in rehab, he came out and everything was well (or so I thought) for three months. When he knew he wasn't going back, he returned to his old ways. He refuses to leave. I've tried to make him.

And now too late to join halls. My son is looking for a job to save up for a flat. But in the meantime unfortunately this is what the situation is like.

OP posts:
Boulshired · 03/02/2023 20:12

She probably thinks he’s pulling a fast one, he’s still there so presumably to continue to study but now that something has come up he’s finished studying. When someone is doing you the favour it limits your choices

InspectorPaws · 03/02/2023 20:18

Everyone is being unreasonable.

  • You are being unreasonable shipping off your child who needs to study to gain qualifications and prioritising the child who wants to sit around taking drugs.
  • The son is being unreasonable to shout at his grandmother when he is a guest in her home and she is doing him a favour.
  • The grandmother is being unreasonable to uninvited a grandchild from a family event and tell him that he isn’t welcome when he’s perfectly capable and responsible for his own time and priorities.
All around, a pretty poor show.
LIZS · 03/02/2023 20:22

There are occasional places in halls as students drop out, is he on a waiting list? Has he passed his exams now as needing resit mid first year is not great.

plumduck · 03/02/2023 20:24

The grandson. And frankly mum made it sound like he should be revising and grandma probably thought that he should be studying for his exam?

plumduck · 03/02/2023 20:26

Boulshired · 03/02/2023 20:12

She probably thinks he’s pulling a fast one, he’s still there so presumably to continue to study but now that something has come up he’s finished studying. When someone is doing you the favour it limits your choices

Yeah I was thinking this. She's been told he has to study and is doing her best to see he doesn't fail again. It's awful behaviour from a supposed adult. Maybe he's not ready for uni.

BadNomad · 03/02/2023 20:42

What do you mean his grandfather wouldn't let him leave? He's 18-years-old. They can't make him stay. If he was willing to yell at them after, I doubt he was scared of them.

Cocobutt · 03/02/2023 21:24

I get why your son is upset but if someone was staying with me to study, I wouldn’t feel comfortable taking them to a party.

Did you speak to them and say it was ok for him to go?

I feel really sorry for this boy.

Johnnysgirl · 03/02/2023 21:29

Your Uni child is getting the shitty end of the stick from all directions, op.
No wonder he's failing. Why don't you try to make his life easier before he fails the whole course?

Floppyelf · 03/02/2023 21:37

After all the drip feeds I think OP YABU. Clearly there is a disfunction in this family.

you favoured a drug addict over the son who has a future. I think the grandma on some level is worried that the 18 year old will turn out the same.

I would tell your son to let it go and she deep down done it because he was sent there to study/ revise. Tough love sometimes doesn’t seem clear to foggy people.

For the sake of your son, I would tell him to let this go and not let it fester. He already vocalised his frustration.

Hankunamatata · 03/02/2023 21:53

Tell son to look for a room in a houseshare. There always students moving about

Original poster
MARTENIK · 04/02/2023 00:49

thank you all

OP posts:
Dotcheck · 04/02/2023 00:58

Odd situation all round.
Grandma is a cow for excluding a member of the family from a family event.
Grandpa is an ass for ‘ forbidding’ him to go
Son should go to the library and revise- no need to be shipped off.

Christ, everyone is so overbearing

pizzaHeart · 04/02/2023 01:08

Grandparents were very unreasonable. They basically excluded him from the family gathering and did it in front of other relatives. It’s really mean.
of course he shouldn’t lash out etc etc but he’s at the age not famous for patience. I would tell him off for this but the main problem was with grandparents.

CrapBucket · 04/02/2023 01:11

OP I feel really sorry for you trying to do your best for everyone. It doesn't matter who is to blame for what. The future is what matters.

It is now clear the grandparents home is not a good place for studying. Is there any where else your son can study when he needs to concentrate in future - maybe a friend with a spare room? Even if he doesn't sleep there, he could go in the daytimes or something.

The time in rehab will not have been wasted. Addiction is a terrible thing for the individual and for their family and there is lots of two steps forward, two steps back. I expect you have already tried getting support, I hope something kicks in soon that works.

Your family sounds like more of a hindrance than a help. I would try and limit contact as it sounds like their help comes at a price.

Good luck and please remember to take a bit of time for yourself if at all possible.

Cornelious2011 · 04/02/2023 01:15

Agree @InspectorPaws

Swipe left for the next trending thread