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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think you can't make friends in your 40s?

72 replies

OrchardBloom · 03/02/2023 18:18

Hi All,

Long time lurker, name changed a while ago but have not posted anything for a long time. In my early teens and 20s I had loads of friends, really good ones that knew me inside out. Over the years I have moved several times....University, jobs, settling down and with each life change it got harder to maintain those friendships. We all got married and had kids all live in different parts of the country. I still love them all dearly but it is not the same.

I have a great DH and 2 DD under 8 and I really love my job, but I am really lonely. I crave friendship. I have been really pro-active when we moved to this area a year ago. I got involved in loads of school activities, joined a walking group and help at my kids clubs, however, it is really hard to make friends. A lot of friendship groups were already established before I came along and I often feel like I am interrupting a group of friends. Full disclosure we moved when my DD was in Year 2 in the middle of the academic year so all of the school mums have known each other since reception.

I have started to take it personally and really worry that I come across as not a nice person. I do have social anxiety but have always masked it well. My DH tells me I am personable and funny but I am just not sure anymore.

Is it generally harder to makes friends later in life? Anyone got any tips on how I can widen my social circle?

OP posts:

MereDintofPandiculation · 03/02/2023 18:20

No problem making friends in my 50s and 60s. Maybe hard to make friends when you have small children

Wishawisha · 03/02/2023 18:20

I’d focus on school parents if you think any are potential friends. Invite their kids for a play date and offer the parent a cup of coffee or a glass of wine? Obviously at that age it’s a lot more dropping kids off and picking up later but it doesn’t have to be.

Dartmoorcheffy · 03/02/2023 18:22

Yabu. You can make new friends at any stage in your life, but people won't come and knock on your door and ask if you want to come out to play. You have to be proactive. Look on Facebook for groups that are doing something that interests you. Get a dog.. if you have a local park it's a great way to meet others and socialise. Your friends don't need to be parents. I don't have kids but that doesn't stop me having friends who do.

APurpleSquirrel · 03/02/2023 18:24

Join the PTA?
I'm approaching mid-40s & was totally new to DDs school so joined the PTA - made friends with the other parents as we shared a common goal.

Ragwort · 03/02/2023 18:24

I've never had problems making friends - have moved quite a bit, always make an effort to join things, get involved in the community etc etc. My DM is still making new friends in her late 80s. But I frequently meet people who say 'they can't make friends' - to be brutally honest this is often because they are very needy and demanding. I also think you shouldn't start with the attitude 'I must make friends' but more 'I'd like to try X or Y activity and maybe I will meet some like minded people'.

Original poster

OrchardBloom · 03/02/2023 18:24

@MereDintofPandiculation I have never struggled previously, maybe I am just having a crisis of confidence!!

@Wishawisha I have organised a little coffee catch-up with the mum of my DD friend at school, she was really pleasant and polite but it felt forced. Told her to let me know if she wanted to catch up again and heard nothing. I don't want to chase people. One mum is really friendly, she is on the school whatsapp, I will reach out to her to see if she wants a coffee!

OP posts:

Christmaspyjamas · 03/02/2023 18:25

Nonsense. But if you have self-limiting beliefs then they will limit what you experience.

Utter nonsense

Original poster

OrchardBloom · 03/02/2023 18:27

@Ragwort I don't mind brutal honesty. I am not generally a needy person. I am quite laid back. I suppose I just miss how easy it was to catch up with friends and now it is just a bit awkward. I don't think friendship should come with obligation, I just don't feel like anyone has time. Thanks for the feedback.

OP posts:

OldTinHat · 03/02/2023 18:28

YABVU.

I moved to a new area 4yrs ago when I was 47. My DC had already left home and moved away and so I upped and left not knowing a soul in the new place.

After putting in a lot of effort, I have more friends now than I've had in my life! You've just got to put yourself out there. Yes, it's daunting but the more you do it, the easier it gets.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 03/02/2023 18:28

Stop focusing on making friends with your dds friends mums. there are so many other options. I live very rural and have made loads of friends, mostly older but its all about getting involved. Community groups, volunteering etc.

Ilovelurchers · 03/02/2023 18:28

As an adult most of my friends have been made through work, I guess as you already have something in common with colleagues. Didn't make any lasting friendships through having a child, as often I found the only thing we had in common was happening to have a kid the same age, which is fairly coincidental rather than reflecting much about interests etc if you see what I mean.

If you don't mind saying OP, what work do you do? Could you meet friends that way?

Heathcote294 · 03/02/2023 18:29

I agree. I've found it really difficult. Everyone in this town seems to have friendship groups established from birth and they're very reluctant to let people in. I've made a few individual friends, none of them have invited me along to join in with their groups. I'd love to be part of a group of girl friends.

I've kind of resigned myself that this is as good as its going to get for now. I'm hoping once I reach retirement I'll have more opportunities to meet people.

It's very hard. Try not to take it personally OP.

InspectorPaws · 03/02/2023 18:29

It takes longer than a year to make established adult friendships. You’re fine, it just takes time. Keep at it. I’m in my 20s and similar boat to you (2 young DCs and a fairly recent house move). You’ll get there.

Reinventinganna · 03/02/2023 18:29

Join some classes, art, exercise groups, book clubs.

Original poster

OrchardBloom · 03/02/2023 18:31

@APurpleSquirrel I will enquire about joining the PTA.

I appreciate all of the very quick and sobering comments 0 even the ones telling me that I am talking utter nonsense. I obviously know you can make friends at any age but just can't work out why I am struggling so. The tips are great though, there was an advert in the local parish about volunteers, I will look in to it.

OP posts:

CuteCillian · 03/02/2023 18:32

I'm not sure if it is 'harder', but I am certainly more choosy and less flexible with potential friends as I get older. You are probably perfectly lovely, but most of your fellow school mums are pulled in many directions and don't have the spare capacity to get to know new people when their lives are already full.
Are there no potential friends at work? Does your DH have mates with partners that you like and could meet up with separately?
I got together with now, one of my closest friends, when our DD's were about 8 and we were luckily both new starters at the school pick up for various reasons.

Original poster

OrchardBloom · 03/02/2023 18:33

@Ilovelurchers I am a consultant for the Pharmaceutical Industry - and I WFH 100% of the time. So there is not much interaction with people in my company, more my clients and it is very hard to befriend clients. I do miss working in an office as I did make a few friends that way but I get so much more time with my kids WFH.

OP posts:

Original poster

OrchardBloom · 03/02/2023 18:35

Thanks for those comments where people are feeling the same or had similar experiences, @Heathcote294 this is exactly my experience. I just get the impression that with work, family and life in general people already have established friendship groups.

OP posts:

FloraGreysteel · 03/02/2023 18:36

I made one of the great friends of my life in my early 40s. I'm in my mid-50s now.

ohyesiknowwhatyoumean · 03/02/2023 18:37

I found my 40's tough re friendships, like you, moved to a new town and left my closest friends behind, kids, work etc, manic - never ever found a "school mum" that became a good friend, though am 'friendly' with a few. When I was back working f/t though I made a group of friends in my workplace, one of whom is STILL a very good friend 20yrs later, I had lunch with another friend from that gang only this week (we're all retired now). One of them has no kids and the other had much older kids than mine, but we had a similar attitude to work and were interested in very similar things, art, music etc. We shared an office and often went off for lunch together.

My oldest friends are still my closest - even though they live many miles away - and as our kids have become more independent and we have a bit more time, we have been able to reconnect, even over distance.

TBH I never though that happening to have children the same age was much of a basis for friendship - so I wouldn't bother with the school crowd unless someone stands out as sharing common interests.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 03/02/2023 18:37

OrchardBloom · 03/02/2023 18:31

@APurpleSquirrel I will enquire about joining the PTA.

Again, You do not need to organise forced friendships through your dds or their school. You are more than just a mother, you are a person in your own right. Look further afield :)

Original poster

OrchardBloom · 03/02/2023 18:40

Thanks All, it is really helpful to know that people have struggled, and that it is not hard if you find the right group, person etc.

I am quite crafty and I just looked up a local crochet club that meet on a night I can make. You are all right, school is not my only option.

OP posts:

Highdaysandholidays1 · 03/02/2023 18:41

I think you are right that a lot of people in their 40's are busy and a bit overwhelmed, lots just either don't seem to go out, or do in a big group- so you have to find people like you, who have that bit more time for friendship and a natter. It does take me more than a year though to find friends, often several years and often with people I initially didn't think I'd be friends with- work is my best source of friendships as it tends to be other like minded people which I haven't always found at the school gates (which I hated). Take your time a little, you don't want a friend who you end up not really gelling with.

Ragwort · 03/02/2023 18:41

I think it's much easier to become friends with someone if you have a mutual interest whether that's volunteering, church, litter picking, WI, dog walking, Park Run etc ... I moved to my current home over 12 years ago and kept bumping into a pleasant lady who wanted to meet for coffee but had nothing to talk about, no interests (apart from how she hated where we lived ...) and the friendship just didn't develop because we had nothing in common and she seemed so negative all the time. I've now actually met someone else like this (why do I seem to attract these people ) she tells me she is lonely, miserable and has no friends but won't do anything or join anything... all she wants to do is 'meet for coffee'.

Highdaysandholidays1 · 03/02/2023 18:42

Also, the crotchet club meet might just be fun in its own right, so go along for that I think and don't worry about those friendships too much, I have a feeling they will emerge over time, don't let desperation take hold just to have someone, anyone, to be friends with - you sound a very interesting person with lots of different things going on so I feel it will happen for you for sure.

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