AIBU to think you can't make friends in your 40s?

[OrchardBloom]

Hi All,

Long time lurker, name changed a while ago but have not posted anything for a long time. In my early teens and 20s I had loads of friends, really good ones that knew me inside out. Over the years I have moved several times....University, jobs, settling down and with each life change it got harder to maintain those friendships. We all got married and had kids all live in different parts of the country. I still love them all dearly but it is not the same.

I have a great DH and 2 DD under 8 and I really love my job, but I am really lonely. I crave friendship. I have been really pro-active when we moved to this area a year ago. I got involved in loads of school activities, joined a walking group and help at my kids clubs, however, it is really hard to make friends. A lot of friendship groups were already established before I came along and I often feel like I am interrupting a group of friends. Full disclosure we moved when my DD was in Year 2 in the middle of the academic year so all of the school mums have known each other since reception.

I have started to take it personally and really worry that I come across as not a nice person. I do have social anxiety but have always masked it well. My DH tells me I am personable and funny but I am just not sure anymore.

Is it generally harder to makes friends later in life? Anyone got any tips on how I can widen my social circle?

I found the PTA hard work - people were polite but certainly didn't make any friends when l used to volunteer .
I know what you mean op - whereabouts are you? UK?

YANBU I've come to the realisation I probably won't make any new friends for the rest of my life now.

At least AI is coming along nicely, soon you will be able to roll your own friends with a smartphone and hang out with the..

Thanks all, I wish I could respond to all personally, it really has lifted my spirits but having some genuinely helpful advice and perspective. :)

I moved to a new area by the sea, in my 50's, children all grown, so no potential schoolmum mates. I joined a choir, a meditation group, a cycling club, a coastal cleansing walking group and I have a dog. I also work in a sociable environment, now that the pandemic is over, and there are often drinks after work or coffee and cake meet ups on days off with colleagues who have become friends.

So yes, it is possible to make new friends as you get older. It's also important to keep up with old friends too, even though I only see them a few times a year these days.

I've recently joined a small pilates class and I reckon if I wanted to I could turn a couple of them into friends. PTA is a good idea or maybe school governors. It's definitely possible but takes some work whereas friends just sort of happened to me in my 20s.

I WFH when my DC was small. Whilst great for school pick ups, I found it very damaging to me in the end, socially. Because you're on your own all day. You can't socialise if you're working. In hindsight, I would find a job with some days in the office and use some childcare. It's not easy to make friends talking to someone for ten minutes outside school. If you think back, good friendships happen when you spend whole days sat next to someone.

How about a sports club? The team element can help. Check if there's a Back To Netball team near you, they're most women of a similar age. Or perhaps dance classes?

Interesting - apart from one friend I've never made any lasting friendships through work - to me I have less in common with people I work with, just because we're employed by the same company doesn't mean I've had anything in common with the other employees.
My best friends have been fellow parents either made when my DC where babies, or through PTA/school. To me it's not forced friendships anymore than those made at work or at a hobby as that maybe the only commonality.

I met three of my closest friends when I was 48.
We met on a course for parents of children with ASD. We swapped emails in the group as you do, 10 years later 4 of us meet every Friday for breakfast, occasional theatre, cinema or dinners out. Always have Christmas lunch and secret Santa and do something for out birthdays.

But it took a long time to get to this point- we started meeting every month and there was a bigger group.
I think it just takes longer to establish adult friendships - you have to work a bit harder for it.
Working from home all the time can be very isolating, I miss my office friends, it can take a big effort to get out there.

What do you enjoy doing ? Common interests always a good place to start.

If work is not an opportunity to make friends then you'll need to look further afield.

I'm incredibly lucky because I work in a creative sector & meet incredibly interesting people everyday & many of them develop into actual friendships.

I'm in my 50s & dc is a late teen & I have not retained a single 'school gate / mum ' friend. I was never friends with them anyway. It was just circumstance that threw us together.

Find an interest- reading group / art group / knitting group/ choir etc..you need to have things in common & then you have to be brave, get peoples numbers & suggest a coffee if you feel there's potential to be friends

Tbf I had most of my friends from before. But there are tonnes and tonnes of opportunities through primary mums, hobbies, hobbies of kids, meeting mums at parties, kids parties, PTA, jogging groups, all sorts.

I think it’s hard with small DC. I’ve just moved and made “friends” with my neighbour who also has small DC – we spend our lives texting to arrange coffee or a drink but haven’t managed it yet due to chickenpox, noro, vaccinations, teething, colds, conjunctivitis, other play dates taking priority (our kids aren’t the same age or at the same nursery), burnout… One of us is always busy.

There’s just less time, money and energy to go around in your 40s with DC vs your 20s. But equally I don’t think you need lots of friends the way you might have done when younger: quality not quantity. And I’m happier with a long phone call with my old friends who live elsewhere than wasting limited child-free time on a new friend.

Just one other possibility that occurred to me from reviewing my own friendships - does your husband have any local friends who might have partners you might have stuff in common with? You could maybe invite them over as a couple if so?

One of my top 5 girlfriends, who I only got to know within the last couple of years but I get on really well with and feel very close to - is the partner of one of my husband's long-standing friends, who I met from going over to theirs for the evening as a couple. I'm not a massive fan of that kind of socialising in general, I find dinner parties and that type of thing quite overly formal - but it is one way to meet people and if you think of it:

You like your husband
Your husband likes his friends
His friends (presumably) like their partners

Ergo, it is not too much of a stretch that you might hit it off with one or more of his friends' partners yourself?

Good luck OP - you sound like a lovely person from your replies - I am sure lots of people will want to be friends with you!

I joined in year 3 knew noone but started chatting to people at the school gate or pick up from after school club etc there's also what's app groups for us and school parties where I have met other mums etc and organised drinks dinners etc you don't have to get on with everyone but it's finding who you do get on with ! You seem lovely but you definitely can find friends in 40s! (I did!)

The school years, which tend to cover a lot of the 40s can be tough for adult friendships. They're demanding of time, energy and money and it is hard to link up socially with people, and the pool of people avaliable when you are and able to indulge in similar interests is pretty small. Even friends that remained child-free have found the social pool contracts.

I do things, but it's inevitably solo. Where there are aquaintences, it's then a rush on to the next commitment like Cinderella exiting a ball.

People get less flexible (double entendre intended). In our 20s, friends would crash out on the floor... now some of them would take 5 minutes to get up off it. Inviting a couple over also means accommodating children so it all gets logistically harder.

All the daytime community classes/ events in my neighbourhood are filled with 55+ so not ideal for meeting peers at a similar life stage.

Hopefully as the mum-taxi phase eases and baby sitters are no longer an issue, socialising should become logistically viable again.

I did think this, but now have different friendships to what I’d expected to have had. I assumed that with school I’d get a group of mums to all hang out and chat, but that hasn’t happened. Everyone is pleasant, but I can’t really find anything compelling to talk about for the few minutes outside of school. So I decided to try to have lots of little interactions to get the social side topped up but without the heavy lifting that a friendship can involve. As a result I have lots of little circles of friends, that we keep ticking over but without any huge obligation. I was delighted when an old school friend sought me out a few years ago as she was in the area. We had a lovely day together, but haven’t spoken since. It’s fine, I reckon we’ll do it again one day. I’ve realised that I’m happier with the sort of friendships that you can pick up where you left off, without needing to contact each other every day, which I’d find exhausting.

ilove - I can see your theory but in over 35 years of marriage my DH & I have only one set of 'couple' friends . We both have lots of individual friends but no overlap! We prefer to socialise separately.

Yes I get this OP I think it depends on the area you are living in..I can imagine it is easy enough to make friends in some places but where we live lots of people have loads of family -parents/inlaws/cousins and this family circle takes up their social life. Its like they genuinely don't have a vacancy for a friend who they would commit to anything with beyond chit chat. My work wasnt sociable and the school wasn't great but changing jobs and studying has really changed it for me. So it's possible to meet friends in your 40s but only in some situations so...its not you. It will improve !

Made lots of good friends in my 40s through kids/school and the sport i play

Start or join a book club?

Yabu. Most of my friends I see on a daily basis were made after I was 41. You can make friends any age!

I read something a while ago about three types of friends: 1. Good to go out with 2. There for you when you need them 3. Know you on a deep level and challenge you

I think the categories are from Aristotle, snargh!

Friends can cover multiple categories but I think cat 3 friends need to be nurtured over time, they don't usually arrive fully formed. So make type 1 friends for coffee or a drink and in a few years they might be closer connections.

You're not wrong though, I think with kids there's just not enough time or energy to invest in friendships.

I was in a similar situation until recently. We moved when the children were in primary and I couldn’t make a couple of events that I was invited to as soon as we moved. After that I wasn’t invited again. 😂

Then covid didn’t help and I ended up with no local friends after living here for three or four years.

I do have non local friends, so I make sure I meet up with them once or twice a year, plus very recently I’ve gone out with some old work people, and I can imagine this being a few times a year thing. Then I got invited to a lunch thing with school mums, which has now happened twice. This is enough for me to feel that I’m a person who goes out with people. I think sometimes it just happens. I do make the effort to go along to pick up from a club a bit early to be able to chat to parents, and I was considering a local ish hobby thing. I think what I’m trying to say, is that it may well happen gradually, but maybe make some small efforts. Only join the PTA if you actually want to though! It’s a bit like when you’re unhappily single. You won’t meet someone if you don’t get out there, but don’t join a club you hate just to meet people.

OP, do you talk to any of the mums at the school gate? Do you have a class WhatsApp group and are you on it?

If yes to both, maybe you could send out a message on WhatsApp asking does anyone want to go for a meal/night out? An open invite to the parents to see if you could make friends that way.

In both my DD and DS class, other mums have done this and I've been on nights out with them.

I also think it's harder to make friends the older you get, but don't give up.

Funnily enough, a local crochet group is where I'm making some headway with making friends. I had never crocheted before so I think learning something together helped too. I wouldn't say we're besties yet but I look forward to seeing them each week, we've done a few things outside the class occasionally too.

The way I see it, if nothing else I'm getting some social interaction and have a hobby I can mention if I meet someone somewhere else. Not that I'd bore them about it but I guess it makes me feel like I've got stuff going on in my life that I can talk about, if that makes sense.