AIBU to think you can't make friends in your 40s?

[OrchardBloom]

Hi All,

Long time lurker, name changed a while ago but have not posted anything for a long time. In my early teens and 20s I had loads of friends, really good ones that knew me inside out. Over the years I have moved several times....University, jobs, settling down and with each life change it got harder to maintain those friendships. We all got married and had kids all live in different parts of the country. I still love them all dearly but it is not the same.

I have a great DH and 2 DD under 8 and I really love my job, but I am really lonely. I crave friendship. I have been really pro-active when we moved to this area a year ago. I got involved in loads of school activities, joined a walking group and help at my kids clubs, however, it is really hard to make friends. A lot of friendship groups were already established before I came along and I often feel like I am interrupting a group of friends. Full disclosure we moved when my DD was in Year 2 in the middle of the academic year so all of the school mums have known each other since reception.

I have started to take it personally and really worry that I come across as not a nice person. I do have social anxiety but have always masked it well. My DH tells me I am personable and funny but I am just not sure anymore.

Is it generally harder to makes friends later in life? Anyone got any tips on how I can widen my social circle?

I feel you op! Im in a similar position and want to expand my friendship groups. it’s hard, and is especially a challenge if being proactive at arranging events, inviting people out does not come naturally.

I seem to manage to make acquaintances/surface level friendships very easily but struggle to push these through to real meaningful friendships.

I think it’s all about being very positive and proactive. The thought “oh I don’t want to chase people” is one that I have a lot, but I don’t it’s very helpful. I think in reality If you want to make more friends/have social outings you need to be proactive and not get discouraged because someone is busy one time you ask them to come for coffee.

While I see that school mums might be a useful Avenue to make friendships, I’ve always found that groups difficult because it revolves so much around the kids and seems to be complicated dynamics between people.

if you find anything that helps op let me know!!

When my children were in year 2 there was so much involvement with fund raising for school. Helping at school. Chatting to mums at the gates. Coffee at 9.30 after drop off. I keep in contact with them 20 years later probably once a year.

Like you the majority of close friendships were forged before year 2. With one exception from a later shared transport situation in year 7.

I think once children cross to upper school and go on a bus it's difficult to mix and meet other mums.

Have you tried the 'Nextdoor' app? I've found making contact and chatting quite easy on this. Lots will meet up. You'll meet a wide variety of people.

Once I have time again I'm joining the WI and also intend to join the 'knit and natter' groups or 'stitch and bitch' depending on which village lol.

I feel the same OP. I'm a bit older but all through my kids' school years I have never quite assimilated into the various mums' groups. People are friendly, but I am not their "friend".

However, I feel some of this is coming from the inside (for both of us). You said "I often feel like I am interrupting a group of friends". They probably don't feel that. I think you have to put on some thicker skin and carry on regardless, acting like a friend in the group and before you know it, you may find you are one.

For me, I joined a book club. And I kind of bulldozed my way into it - heard them talking about it and asked, "Can I join?" They could have wriggled out of it if they REALLY didn't want me there, but they didn't. It was already established and even years into it I tend to feel the others are "better" friends together than I am with them, however I have tried my best to set up meet-ups with individuals, which they have always been happy to do, and just ignore my feelings of un-belonging and realise that different grades of friendship are still friendship.

Hang in there, gird your loins and make the effort without over-thinking people's reaction. YANBU - loneliness is a difficult place to get out of. Good luck!

Same! I've posted about it on here before but everytime someone messages me they're always from bloody London!! Hey... if anyone is Midlands based (near Birmingham) and wants a new friend who is happily single, child free, loves a vino, is outdoorsy, unoffended by anything and swears like a sailor feel free to PM 😃

Don't be so dismissive of people's real life experiences. When you are trying, but getting nowhere that isn't a self limiting belief.

Whenever an OP asks what posters think of people who are looking to make friends post 40, the response is suspicion and mistrust. If posters are asked if they mind their friends introducing/bringing along someone new, they nearly all say no. It's always difficult to break into established groups.

I think I know what you mean. Making deep connections can be hard when you're older. Like you, I had many deep friendships in my teens and early twenties, but then moved around a lot.

Two years ago I had enough of being lonely and I have put myself out there more. By out there, I mean I started gaming - something that might suit you if you're WFH anyway. I have made some great new connections all over Europe that way and one has turned out to be a great friend, who happens to only live a few hours away. I have stopped the game now, but we have remained friends.

I have also made a long-lasting friendship through work with someone who works in a different department, but we hit it off every time we met and eventually exchanged numbers and took it from there. I have been out with a few colleagues and will be out with another soon - some of these were nice, but one time only, some happened a few times and I'm hoping the next one might stick around a bit.

You need to look for opportunities everywhere, though. From the person who smiled at you in the supermarket and struck up a conversation about cheese types to the person you bumped cars with.

Hi OP, would you get more interactions and feel less lonely if you worked in the office on a hybrid basis? Shared experience is the basis for a lot of my good friendships and I regularly meet up with people I've worked with in years gone by. I imagine that WFH full time must really limit that human connection that work can bring.

Some areas are more difficult to break into already established groups. I lived in a small town for 4 years with dc under 5 and only made 1 friend, I found it much easier in cities but you do need to give it time.
My ex left suddenly after we'd moved to a new city and I didn't know anyone, I said yes to every invite even if I didn't want to go.
It took a few years to build the friendships I have now and it's also really important to keep up with old friendships too as once the dc are older you will have more time for this.

I think it may depend on where you are to some extent. I’m in my 50s and have moved recently but back closer to home so don’t really need new friends as have a ready made circle to a large extent but am open to more and will make an effort at some point.

A local person working from home was struggling to meet people and before Christmas posted on FB saying it would be good to meet people and loads of people came out the woodwork to say they are in the same position. She started a FB group and some meet ups and now already has 1000 members. They do meet ups in various places and smaller groups are forming such as knitting, dog walking, an over 60s group, groups for those with younger children to go to various places etc. They did a speed dating type event recently which sounds like it was pretty successful too.

I have tons of friends, I'm not bragging, I'm just quite sociable (my DD thinks "needy"😁).
I've always just done whatever I'm interested in (things as diverse as motorbike scrambling, park run and helping at scouts) and I meet people there then ask them round to ours for a drink.

I dont think the school yard is a great place to pick up friends. The only thing you have in common with them is that you chose to have kids.

You just can't force things. Friendships. May blossom from the most unlikely of situations. I have moved abroad so even harder with a language/culture barrier but just things happen naturally. It's easy to think you will automatically gain a group of friends from your dc's class parents but this doesn't always happen. Just having a child in the same class is often not enough to form a bond.

Also, be open minded to wh oyour new friends can be. They might be much older than you or younger. They might not fit into the mold of what your old friends were like.

Join something with a committee and after a while, offer to be on it. Everyone will think you are great and being on the organising side helps you get to know people better.

I started making great friendships in my 40s. I had DS very young so he'd left home at that point for uni. I decided to go to uni myself to train for a new career and move to a different part of the country. My social life took off. It's even better now in my 60s.
When DS was small and I was a single mum working full time I had no friends at all.

I agree with you, I could have written your post. I've found school mums either busy or not especially friendly. Local people seem busy with family. I haven't made friends through yoga classes, Pilates classes or running club. I tried to set up a book club but that fizzled out. I'm friendly with people at work but that hasn't led to deeper friendships. I don't have any time, money or energy to do any more clubs. Typically when I do have something planned I get ill and have to cancel.

I have made some good acquaintances through neighbours and one good friend through school mums. I also have lots of acquaintances to say hi to but I do miss the easy friendships of my 20s. I still keep in touch with old friends but we're all over the country and even ones that are 30 mins away I'd be lucky to see every few months.

I'm really not a demanding friend, and you don't come across like that either. I think some of the comments you've had have been making a lot of assumptions about people who'd like more friends!

Not sure what the answer is, just keep trying new hobbies? I've had some inspiration from this thread, book club and choir are next on my list . Good luck!

I'm two years into a new area and I have made loads of friends. Some more superficial than others. I have a 10yo and an anti-social DH.

This is what I have done:
Joined the village hall committee
Chatted with neighbours
Made an effort with work colleagues I click with
Joined the local vegan group (obvs am vegan, but choose your cause)
Done a few shifts in the local community pub

I also have friends from previous jobs who I am able to see once a month maybe.

None of the above was to make friends exactly but to feel part of the community. I have made a few friends from doing it because I wasn't trying. I never try to be honest. It just happens. I think if I 'try' I would fail!

I'm overweight, ugly and grumpy too!

I have acquaintances via having a child but no close friends as the only thing we have in common is having kids.

I have a disability and on the whole people don’t want to be friends with people who are disabled.

The friendships I have have formed naturally and those are long-lasting friendships, but none of them are local to me.

There is generally just an expectation that as a person with a disability you should be joining groups for people with said disability and be making your friends that way.

I actually made my peace with that a long time ago. I do have friends, but none of them are local to me. I chat easily to people over teams as I work from home, I get on with people, but there’s never any expectation that people want to be more than just acquaintance.

I’ve never been asked out to events and usually if I take the plunge and suggest a coffee or whatever people usually have a reason, “will get back” or whatever, so I no longer do because it becomes a bit embarrassing after a while when you know what the answer will be.

It’s strange because I do actually get on with people. I can talk to total strangers and there is never any tension or anything like that, it’s just that those interactions never go any further.

I've had another thought - I think we all have different ideas of what a friend is. If I saw someone at a group and had a chat every week, I'd class that as an acquaintance. A bit like a work colleague you have good chats with but don't see out of work. I have lots of people like that in my life.

To me a friend is someone I can call when I want to celebrate good news or say I've had a rubbish day or message them when they're having a tough time or find out about their day. Or make arrangements outside of when we usually see each other, or see each other outside of the group. I don't know if other people have the same ideas on what a friendship is?

If your eldest is 'under 8' but you moved in year 2 then you must have only been there for 18 months? I dont think that's ages to be honest. I'd keep doing what you're doing, try out new activities and clubs. Some clubs are really friendly and social and others less so.

I find I make friends but it actually takes me a long time to turn from acquaintances to friend. Like 2 - 3 years. I'm just quite reserved and find small talk difficult so getting past that insiitla awkward stage doesnt feel natural. But once they are a proper friend then they remain so.

Could you do more to reconnect with old friends as well? I've found with covid and friends having young kids things have fallen by the wayside a bit. However in ky circle people are passed the toddler stage now so are a bit more open to meeting again

@Eyelashesoffire · I agree, but I think a lot of people do consider those people to be frends when actually they’re not.

Also I find that the more so-called friends people have, the less deep those friendships are. There’s no way that people have a huge group of close friends they would call on in a crisis. People only tend to have a handful of friends they would do that with.

So it’s about what is important really.

Also, wrt those posters suggesting that it must be something wrong with the person, those are likely the people who would exclude someone from their friendship group or not want to include them.

I actually used to be friends with a school mum whose view was that she had enough friends and didn’t need any more so she didn’t include people in her life.

Ten years on I see her on fb, most of her friends have moved on and away to other places, the primary school friendships have fizzled and she’s suddenly found herself at the receiving end of those who she used to exclude.

I totally agree.

I thought it would get easier when my first child started school. However it's impossible to get past polite chat. Some of the parents have known each other since they were in primary school, so now their kids have play dates.

I also tried all the toddler groups. Got 1 girls number and arranged a meet up at soft play, but we never met up again. I don't want to keep chasing. She lives only a few mins from me and I'd invited her over but she never came.

I've tried the apps as well.

I'm going to physio at the min and I'm so pathetic, I came home and told my DH that I want the physio to be my friend!

I hate having no friends.

I agree entirely with your definition of friends and acquaintances

Oddly enough I’ve just had a TED talk on friendship emailed to me. The actual talk is only 7 minutes long, the rest is Q&A. What stood out to me was the idea that to start a friendship, someone needs to be brave.

www.ted.com/talks/marisa_g_franco_the_secret_to_making_new_friends_as_an_adult?language=en