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AIBU?

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Original poster

Disgusting men in work

52 replies

Xtime · 03/02/2023 16:21

I overheard 2 men in work talking about me, what I'd be like in bed, my figure etc. Making really crude comments about me. It's totally shocked me, in a work place, I'm in my forties, dressed very casually, no short skirts or cleavage. I've heard one of them repeatedly talking about me, he's fucking fixated- he's been asking around for any info about me. He's got a girlfriend and is in his forties. He should know better. I don't want to complain - they'd deny it anyway. I'm new in the job, and they are well liked, even by other women, so I don't feel I'd have support from them, I'm too new. Basically I'm ignoring them but they're commenting on that now. I don't want to change job, I do like it, but the one man in particular is a creep. I should really just leave shouldn't I?

OP posts:
Daisy12789 · 03/02/2023 16:23

Could you ask to speak to him in private and explain that you overheard and it’s completely inappropriate?

justheretoread111 · 03/02/2023 16:24

Sorry that you’re going through this, it’s unacceptable and you should absolutely report it.

Perhaps consider how you have phrased this though, ‘I'm in my forties, dressed very casually, no short skirts or cleavage’ suggests that someone young or dressed in any kind of revealing clothing might be asking for it. This kind of behaviour is never acceptable.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/02/2023 16:24

No you bloody well shouldn't. Speak to HR.

Original poster
Xtime · 03/02/2023 16:38

justheretoread111
Thanks for the replies. ‘I'm in my forties, dressed very casually, no short skirts or cleavage"

Yes, I agree any age should be able to wear what we like, without men thinking were up for it. I was meaning at work, for my role I'm dressed appropriately, I'm not bending over in a low cut top Infront of the man.

OP posts:
StonwEd · 03/02/2023 16:48

Xtime · 03/02/2023 16:38

justheretoread111
Thanks for the replies. ‘I'm in my forties, dressed very casually, no short skirts or cleavage"

Yes, I agree any age should be able to wear what we like, without men thinking were up for it. I was meaning at work, for my role I'm dressed appropriately, I'm not bending over in a low cut top Infront of the man.

But even if you were, they still have zero right to make these horrendous comments.
I imagine it will be dismissal, can't see any company tolerating this kind of behaviour.

MrsColinRobinson · 03/02/2023 16:48

You should report to HR immediately. No one should have to tolerate this harassment at work.

MajorCarolDanvers · 03/02/2023 16:50

Totally unacceptable. I'd be putting in a complaint to my line manager or HR.

2bazookas · 03/02/2023 16:51

He must know you're within earshot of his several conversations about you.

Can you record him on your phone?

WonderingWanda · 03/02/2023 16:52

I have confronted men at work and told them that their comments are inappropriate and would be viewed as sexual harassment were I to go to HR, I also made it clear that is what I would do if the comments continued.

RudsyFarmer · 03/02/2023 16:53

A contractor was sacked in my DP’s workplace for similar. You need to show HE a pattern of behaviour ideally so make sure you log dates and times abd witnesses and go to HR.

flabbygoldfish · 03/02/2023 16:56

I'm new in the job

so as far as they are concerned you are fresh blood. Worked in male environments for a long time, there is always an office tart (male), and it sounds like you have found him. I worked with one once which was tedious. They are persistent & immature.

either report to HR or call them out on it - publicly are the two options. Just ask, what is you want to know, ‘let’s get this over and done with time’, ask about his wife/partner, answer only what you want, be condescending, be confident & in charge.

watchfulwishes · 03/02/2023 16:57

I would report with dates. What is the approximate size of the company?

This is completely unacceptable. Really sorry you're dealing with it.

I think you've made two posts that suggest some people ask for it. No one deserves this.

Sazzling · 03/02/2023 16:58

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AnneShirleysNewDress · 03/02/2023 17:00

justheretoread111 · 03/02/2023 16:24

Sorry that you’re going through this, it’s unacceptable and you should absolutely report it.

Perhaps consider how you have phrased this though, ‘I'm in my forties, dressed very casually, no short skirts or cleavage’ suggests that someone young or dressed in any kind of revealing clothing might be asking for it. This kind of behaviour is never acceptable.

This! Whether you wear a low cut top or are covered head to toe this behaviour is completely unacceptable.

Tillow4ever · 03/02/2023 17:04

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Don't be ridiculous. Are you suggesting it's ok if they say these things as long as she can't hear it?

Pretty sure they are saying it loud enough for the OP to hear on purpose anyway.

Isheabastard · 03/02/2023 17:13

I think it would be so sad if you left the job because of them.

Its also sad if you think you can’t report it because you are new.

I would suggest you write it down as accurately as you can while it is fresh in your mind. Dates, times etc.

Then …… you could wait a while and see if in a few more weeks you feel you can report. It’s likely this isn’t the first time they’ve done it. You could try and see if the other women in the office have had this before. You could try chumming up to any woman that seems to you to be well established and not afraid to call out male misbehaviour. You could talk to HR and without naming names ask for their response.

Id also be ready to have my phone on voice record any time they/he came near.

You say you are in your forties, if you don’t do it for yourself, do it for the next twenty year old that comes under their ‘appraisal’.

2023newyearnewname · 03/02/2023 17:15

The way they spoke about you is totally unacceptable. If you cannot bring it up with them then talk to HR, if you don't they may continue. Stand up and speak out. They are in the wrong. Good luck.

UWhatNow · 03/02/2023 17:18

This afternoon in a casual conversation my young 21 dd gave me a litany of disgusting things male customers say to her routinely at work. They have absolutely no shame or filter.

It breaks my heart that women have to go through this shit - what is wrong with men?

My advice is to report and keep reporting. Don’t confront them directly, they won’t think they’ve done anything wrong because it doesn’t even enter their stupid heads. They’ll just get aggressive and defensive and turn it round on you.

Christmascracker0 · 03/02/2023 17:23

Do not talk to them yourself, tell your line manager or HR!

It’s so annoying to have to put up with things like this at work. We go to work to work, not to be ogled!

ACynicalDad · 03/02/2023 17:25

This should go to HR, ideally for action, but if you don't want it to be actioned then HR will have it at the back of their minds if they hear it from the next new hire, or if they heard it from the last one it will validate it. They get away with it as nobody knows the full picture.

CohenTree · 03/02/2023 17:34

I would send the perps an email so you have a record of the conversation should you need it later.
If they don't (a) grovel and (b) buy you flowers to apologise, complain to HR.

MajorCarolDanvers · 03/02/2023 17:46

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Good grief are you serious?

CrescentMoons · 03/02/2023 17:50

MrsColinRobinson · 03/02/2023 16:48

You should report to HR immediately. No one should have to tolerate this harassment at work.

This and report to the police. Please. That is so vile and unacceptable.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 03/02/2023 17:51

It's harassment. Report it.

BigMandsTattooPortfolio · 03/02/2023 17:53

Report.

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