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AIBU?

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Original poster

Neighbours are sleep training. Help?

105 replies

Fruitful92 · 02/02/2023 23:07

Hi everyone,

Non-mum here and would love some advice from actual mums.

My neighbours are a young couple and have a small child, I’m really not sure how old but definitely under 2. I met them once and said hi in passing but we don’t speak generally as they use a different hallway than I do.

For a good few months now, I believe they have been sleep training their child. The child’s bedroom is directly next to mine.

I am frequently woken up in the middle of the night by the child not crying but screaming bloody murder for a good 30 mins to an hour, sometimes a full 2 hours of on and off screams.

I am suffering from PTSD and extreme anxiety after leaving an abusive relationship. I have trouble sleeping as it is and this is extremely distressing for me.

I understand babies cry and this is just temporary, but I don’t think it’s fair that I am regularly losing sleep over it. But I struggle with confrontation and don’t want to cause an argument.

How do I approach the subject and try and resolve the matter with my neighbours?

Thank you

OP posts:
EscapeRoomToTheSun · 02/02/2023 23:09

Maybe the child just doesn't sleep? I doubt there is anything they can do or they would already be doing it! Can you have your bed or bedroom elsewhere?

Thesearmsofmine · 02/02/2023 23:10

Earplugs? Hopefully it’s just a temporary thing, it also might not be sleep training, it could be something like night terrors.

Redebs · 02/02/2023 23:10

It must be horrible. I can't stand the idea of letting a baby cry; it's abuse.

babynoname22 · 02/02/2023 23:17

Can you move your bed elsewhere? Other side of the room? A different room? Ear plugs? White noise? Audio books.

The child may be screaming without sleep training. I have experienced this with my own children and I didn't sleep train. It's awful all round

kmbegs · 02/02/2023 23:24

Doesn't sound like sleep training to me, my understanding is sleep training is a week at most. My baby has just been screaming bloody murder for about two hours while I hold her and rock her and do everything I can to get her to stop, she just wouldn't. I don't imagine there's anything they can do.

WetBandits · 02/02/2023 23:30

Get yourself some good earplugs.

They might be having a difficult enough time with a baby that won’t settle without their neighbour making them feel worse.

AFS1 · 02/02/2023 23:32

Sleep training should not take months. It should take a maximum of a week. It could simply be a baby with very poor sleep patterns. Is there any way that you can switch rooms, even if it’s just temporarily?

K37529 · 02/02/2023 23:37

I wouldn't approach them about it, some babies are just awful sleepers, he could be teething, poorly, or anything you just don't know. Is there anything you could change to reduce the noise, maybe move the bed, white noise machine, meditation music, ear plugs, even sleep on the sofa for a few nights if its that bad?

Problemorno · 02/02/2023 23:41

They're not necessarily sleep training. My daughter would scream herself hoarse at night without sleep training. She had night terrors so would just scream and scream and nothing would settle her despite our best efforts. Really distressing all round and I did worry what the neighbours thought.m

Problemorno · 02/02/2023 23:42

Could you possibly change rooms, or wear earplugs? I understand it's awful and inconvenient being kept awake but I'm sure it's no fun for the parents either.

Purplepepsi · 02/02/2023 23:44

My daughter would scream and scream even in our arms, it was just awful and I was so glad our neighbours knew us. She was ao unsettled as she had been poorly. I don't think there is much you can do I'm afraid.

thaegumathteth · 03/02/2023 00:00

I never did sleep training and thankfully we live in a detached house but ds would scream and scream during the night and nothing I did helped. I never left him, I was always there trying in vain but it was pointless.

In your position I'd get ear plugs and white noise

NuffSaidSam · 03/02/2023 00:06

I think it's a bit of a leap to think they're deliberately leaving their child to scream for hours every night for months based on....well absolutely nothing! You don't know anything about them! Baby could be crying for any number of reasons.

You need to solve it at your end. Move rooms. Buy earplugs. White noise. Listen to a podcast/audio book to go to sleep.

smileladiesplease · 03/02/2023 00:12

You obviousiy have no idea what sleep training is and this sounds goady to me but anyway baby probably has colic or just crying as babies do.

Get ear plugs and thank your stars you don't have to deal with it anymore

PizzaPizza56 · 03/02/2023 01:16

I switched bedrooms when my neighbours had babies and moved back when they were a bit older. It's only temporary.

FannyChmelar · 03/02/2023 01:25

Sleep training should not be going on a few months. The Ferber method takes about a week. I’d be worried for that poor baby.

Judgyjudgy · 03/02/2023 01:28

kmbegs · 02/02/2023 23:24

Doesn't sound like sleep training to me, my understanding is sleep training is a week at most. My baby has just been screaming bloody murder for about two hours while I hold her and rock her and do everything I can to get her to stop, she just wouldn't. I don't imagine there's anything they can do.

Agree. Sleep training isn't like this, not the sleep training I'm familiar with anyway. Baby may be sick or something?

DaveyJonesLocker · 03/02/2023 03:12

I'd ask about it. If they say it's night terrors then say "oh the poor thing, that must be awful for you all, hope it settles down" kind of thing and adjust your own setup so you don't hear it as much. If they say they're leaving him to cry it out then say "I get that it's a method alot of parents use but it's been going on a while and I'm laying awake at night for hours sometimes listening to him scream. Could you please limit it to 10 minutes then settle him please?"

Why should you have to move bedrooms or sleep in ear plugs if they're choosing to let their kid scream?

LadyJ2023 · 03/02/2023 04:31

Sorry your struggling. We have 4 and some nights it's crying all night every night. Nothing can be done about it.Some nights one or an other will be unsettled no reason and we can walk around for hours hugging, patting,cuddling but still they cry. Try ear plugs, soft music.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 03/02/2023 04:41

Fruitful92 · 02/02/2023 23:07

Hi everyone,

Non-mum here and would love some advice from actual mums.

My neighbours are a young couple and have a small child, I’m really not sure how old but definitely under 2. I met them once and said hi in passing but we don’t speak generally as they use a different hallway than I do.

For a good few months now, I believe they have been sleep training their child. The child’s bedroom is directly next to mine.

I am frequently woken up in the middle of the night by the child not crying but screaming bloody murder for a good 30 mins to an hour, sometimes a full 2 hours of on and off screams.

I am suffering from PTSD and extreme anxiety after leaving an abusive relationship. I have trouble sleeping as it is and this is extremely distressing for me.

I understand babies cry and this is just temporary, but I don’t think it’s fair that I am regularly losing sleep over it. But I struggle with confrontation and don’t want to cause an argument.

How do I approach the subject and try and resolve the matter with my neighbours?

Thank you

Earplugs. It won't last. Parents are probably sleep-deprived and losing their minds trying to cope.
I'm sorry for your trauma. 🌹

madeleine85 · 03/02/2023 05:21

Our 2 year old went through 3 months last year of night terrors. Apparently they occur in 10% or so of toddlers. She would “wake up” screaming, but was in a trance like dream state and it was truly awful screaming that she would do. It would go anywhere from 5mins to an hour and there was really no way to stop it. I spent the whole time wondering when the police were going to show up from a neighbour calling. It really did sound that bad. I wonder if this is what’s going on. If you see your neighbour maybe just ask if she’s ok. If you share a wall, she knows how loud it is and is likely expecting the question. The good news is it passes, just takes a little bit. Earplugs will hopefully help you though

BungleandGeorge · 03/02/2023 07:36

Don’t agree that this is always unavoidable. Many people leave their babies to cry it out because they think it will help them settle in the cot or stop feeding in the night. You really can’t do that with close neighbours. Sleep deprivation is awful but that doesn’t mean you can inflict it on your neighbours

Iwantabloodypizza · 03/02/2023 07:42

They might just have a terrible sleeper.

I co sleep with my two year old she will have weeks when she will sleep all night and then others where she will wake screaming, sometimes not stopping for 30 mins. She’s not left alone, she’s constantly comforted, just won’t/can’t stop. It seems like night terrors and it’s just horrible.

thatheavyperson · 03/02/2023 07:43

I'm a hopeless softie and have never left my baby to cry for even a few minutes. We also cosleep so generally we have very minimal nighttime crying.

But I'm reminded of a time when my son was probably about 7 months old, he woke up at 2am and screamed near enough continuously until 4:30am. It was very strange, he never once opened his eyes and seemed as desperate to get back to sleep as we were desperate for him to go back to sleep! We tried absolutely everything to get him to stop, offered breastfeeding, offered a bottle, offered water, walked round the house, got him completely changed in case there was something wrong somewhere, literally everything you can think. Eventually he went back to sleep, but I was honestly so close to getting my husband to call an ambulance because I just had absolutely no idea what was going on 🤣

Thankfully it never happened again, but if it did then I'm sure the neighbours would have probably thought we were leaving him to cry. I'm positive they wouldn't have been able to hear my constant soothing and singing over his screaming, he's got a healthy pair of lungs I'll say that much!

gogohmm · 03/02/2023 07:47

@thatheavyperson

I never left mine tk cry either but like you we still had periods where it was hard to stop them, you do your best though to quieten them down. We coslept as that kept the peace better

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