Neighbours are sleep training. Help?

[Fruitful92]

Hi everyone,

Non-mum here and would love some advice from actual mums.

My neighbours are a young couple and have a small child, I’m really not sure how old but definitely under 2. I met them once and said hi in passing but we don’t speak generally as they use a different hallway than I do.

For a good few months now, I believe they have been sleep training their child. The child’s bedroom is directly next to mine.

I am frequently woken up in the middle of the night by the child not crying but screaming bloody murder for a good 30 mins to an hour, sometimes a full 2 hours of on and off screams.

I am suffering from PTSD and extreme anxiety after leaving an abusive relationship. I have trouble sleeping as it is and this is extremely distressing for me.

I understand babies cry and this is just temporary, but I don’t think it’s fair that I am regularly losing sleep over it. But I struggle with confrontation and don’t want to cause an argument.

How do I approach the subject and try and resolve the matter with my neighbours?

Thank you

It must be awful for the parents too but even worse for the child, poor thing.

Could you wear ear plugs, or use some kind of sleep sounds app?

just approach them carefully, @Fruitful92 and politely, as long as you are sympathetic to them i am sure they will be understanding of your issues.

no argument will happen if you are pleasant, and smile, but you can always walk away if it turns

You really want OP to wear ear plugs or use a sleep sounds app?

I’ve used ear plugs before now and ended having blocked ears and having my ears syringed which wasn’t pleasant.

In this instance the parents need to look into solutions with their child.

I doubt the pp WANTS the OP to wear earplugs, it just might be the only option.

Unless the parents are negligent or abusive don't you think they are 'looking into solutions' to stop their child screaming every night?

It's not insensitive, it's practical advice.

Hi there, it was just a suggestion. I don’t ‘want’ OP to do anything that she doesn’t want to do and I won’t be checking up. She seems reluctant to approach the parents. And i can understand why.

But some parents don’t look into solutions or just think it’s normal etc.

Like I said my ex NDN’s had this for months, I didn’t realise sleep training was supposed to take less time than a few months. In the end their GP told them the baby’s prolonged distress was probably down to a cow’s milk allergy because when they switched to non cows milk it stopped and he stopped screaming and crying.

It didn’t help the parents or baby he was screaming and crying every night but it affected my sleep massively. I was so tired it was affecting my driving as well as just walking, crossing roads.

@youshouldnthaveasked - noted, re your suggestion.

If I were OP in this situation I would try to gently broach the subject or it’ll never be resolved/improve.

Whether they are sleep training or not this isn't acceptable.

I can't quite believe people are telling you to buy earplugs. You have a right to quiet enjoyment of your home and that right is not eroded by someone's choice to procreate!

Best to go in gently and ask if all is ok. They may not realise you can hear it, so hopefully knowing you are disturbed they'll do the decent thing and try to manage the behaviour better.

And do what?

Sometimes you can’t do anything.

We had another night terror last night. My two year old was inconsolable for 45 mins. We could not stop her screaming. All we could do was hold her close and rock her.

yes but @Iwantabloodypizza
you are trying to console/pacifer your lo,
this doesnt appear to be happening next door and if your neighbours were struggling with their sleep due to your lo, you would pay attention and try harder to shush the lo, perhaps by taking them out of the room that is closest to the neighbour, even if just for the crying period.

As a parent of a colicky baby who cried non stop for ours, I was glad to have supportive neighbours who offered sympathy.

if the crying adversely affects the neighbour, as in this case, no doubt they would be less sympathetic

How wld asking do anything except probably make neighbours feel worse than they already do. They're not sleeping either and are likely to be super aware of noise

but the baby is not the op's responsbility

Mine have all done this. I wouldn't dream of inflicting it on my neighbours though (terraced housing)- it's bad enough having it happen to you! Whenever mine started their night time screeching if it hadn't resolved within 10 minutes I'd take them downstairs and settle them that way. If it still didn't work I'd take them for a short drive. All three of mine had a pretty long phase of night waking where they'd be awake for hours (1:30/2- 5am most nights). No idea why as they were never left to scream.

If you're unwilling to ask them to resettle their baby outside of your hearing you could either move your bedroom or try a brown noise/white noise machine to deaden the night noise. X

If they could stop the baby screaming I'm sure they would - I guarantee they're not goading baby into screaming for the fun of it. Some babies just scream regardless. It might be that the parents aren't coming in anymore because it makes no difference.

The parents can't magically stop the baby crying so all OP can do is try and mitigate the disruption from her side. Not like she can confront the baby and say the screaming 'isn't acceptable'.

^Speaking as a parent in a one bedroom flat with a baby who would have inconsolable nights no matter what I did, and neighbours who would bang on the wall as if I could do anything about it.

I’m sorry, it sounds really stressful .
personally I would have a chat, but focus more on the thin walls etc rather than baby crying,- have they got any ideas that both could do such as wardrobe or bookcases along the dividing wall etc. This may be more constructive if they have got a sleep terrorist.

And I agree with Pps, you have a right to the quiet enjoyment of your home. I would not have inflicted this on neighbours- at the least I would have gone round and apologised.

Loads of options: move rooms, move bed from the wall, sound proof, move the child away from neighbours when they are upset, get to the bottom of why the child is so upset ... Etc... Etc

It really is down to you to figure it out and be a decent neighbour, not for someone else to put up with.

I had this with my DS. We lived in a semi detached house, walls do think I would hear my neighbour snore! DS was inconsolable when he would wake, he would scream for hours, nothing worked. We tried everything, it was like he was on a different planet. He was in the room furthest away from neighbours but I know it made no difference. I was so embarrassed I couldn’t look at my neighbour for years, I’m honestly surprised she didn’t call ss as it sounded like we were murdering him. Sometimes just nothing works.

One night DH tried to bring him out to the car and we went hysterical, I genuinely feared for him
as he was so distraught. I used to cry it was so upsetting.

We were these parents. DD had an undiagnosed dairy allergy (GP refused to acknowledge, even though I went in weekly begging for help). She screamed and screamed and screamed. Hours at a time. Would eventually fall asleep exhausted then wake up 30min later and scream again for hours. We tried everything.
We lived in a tiny 2 bed semi, couldn't afford anything bigger as in London. I felt so sorry for the neighbours, I did apologise for all the screaming when I saw them and they were very gracious about it.

It's a shit situation but they're probably trying everything they can. Some babies just scream a lot. I suggest you try earplugs, Loop do fantastic ones that you don't hear anything with and they are quite comfortable.

Sounds awful! And I have a one year old. I don't let him cry. We co-sleep. The idea of letting them cry like that is terrible. If it's been months it clearly isn't working.