To not agree with one cooks and one cleans at meal times?

[SliceOfCakeCupOfTea]

It drives DH mad that I refuse tidy/clean the kitchen after he's cooked a meal.

The reasons I don't do it are:

• we dont split other household tasks this way. So if I do the washing, he doesn't fold it and put it away. If he cuts the grass I don't empty the cuttings etc.

• whenever he cooks he uses every pot, pan, chopping board, knife etc and does not tidy as he goes at all. There is always a pile of onion skins or the ends of carrot on the bench as well. I had it drilled into me to tidy/clean as I go so the only thing to to wash is the pan I've served from (plates go straight into the dishwasher)

• he enjoys cooking and coming up with tricky/difficult recipes often using different difficult to clean gadgets which I don't want to be cleaning up at 9/10pm during the week.

I've told him in the past that I will finish the kitchen off if he cooks providing he hasn't made a stonking mess but he thinks this isn't fair as he's slaved over a hot stove preparing food for me.

This is all light-hearted btw, no fall outs or ltbs

YANBU

Drives me up the wall when DH cooks.
He's not a very good cook so the results are a bit hit and miss but at least there is food on the table that I haven't had to cook I suppose.

I can't be around when he cooks as he does the same stupid things most times. Starts with a too hot pan so slightly burns the onions so they are bitter and nasty / starts cooking a fillet of fish before putting potatoes on / uses enormous heavy pans unnecessarily / uses too small pans that boil over.

Like many man cooks he's a fan of hard to clean gadgets, etc.

So by the end the kitchen is a mess with greasy pots (sometimes soaking in cold water with non greasy things bunged in with them such as my travel cup that I take tea on my long drive to work in). The hob is inevitably covered in dried pasta water boil over and grated cheese or something (grate on a bloody counter!!). There will be splashes up the wall and on the floor. The counters won't be wiped down and the sink will be dirty and greasy.

And the food will be OK but a bit shit really and served up lukewarm or overcooked.

I hate it because its pathetic in an adult.

We have always had that arrangement (and still do with adult children).

It's often unequal-labour  for a variety of reasons;  but so what?  The whole concept of close relationships is give and take,  trust, open hearted generosity that doesn't wait or need to be asked for.  Everything balances out.

Like I said, this is light-hearted. DH and I are best of friends and he was teasing me for sitting around like lady muck instead of tidying the kitchen after he's cooked (at this point I'd also put DS to bed, folded washing and ironed)

Our balance works well at home.

The thing is though, it doesn’t always balance out. Great that you have a relationship where it does (and I do too), but statistics show that even when women are the breadwinner, they still do the vast majority of the housework.
Often on these threads women are told they should just be ‘grateful’ that their partner cooks, even if they do all the other housework/admin etc.
In our house, if DH cooks, he cleans up after it too. Same as if I cook. And just like if I do the laundry I sort it, wash it, fold it and put it away. I don’t say ‘I’ve washed it so you can fold it and put it away’, for example.
Open hearted generosity is fabulous if it works both ways, but sadly for many women it doesn’t.
It’s fine to have boundaries in place.

We clean as we cook because I hate preparing food in a messy kitchen, plus our kitchen is small so we need the worktops to dish up on.

Whoever didn’t cook washes up the plates, though.

Get a dishwasher. Won't take time to clear away

Why do so many men seem think that cooking = carrying on like a chef

my DH is a chef in a very high class restaurant. There and at home (he does all the cooking) he tidies as he goes. And he doesn't use little bowls and shit. He also wipes down the surfaces and puts everything in the dishwasher. On the (exceedingly rare) occasions when i cook, i also do all the clean-up afterwards.

We've got a dishwasher (as in the appliance rather than an actual person)

It doesn't clear up spillages that could have been cleared up when the person made them
Or put away ingredients or throw away packets
Or wipe surfaces

And often the 85 roasting tins or trays used, often have dried on stuff or are too big to fit in. (Eg if I put a lasagne dish in, I'm not convinced it would come out clean despite what the fairy ads tell me)
We all have a favourite chopping board that does fit in though! The dishwasher is great, but there is always additional washing up to do as well.

Yeah already have one. Not everything can go in the dishwasher. And unless your dishwasher also cleans up sauce spatters, onion skins in the bin, sweeps the floor etc then its hardly a problem solved is it?

This all makes for interesting reading as I am the worlds worst cook so dh does most of the cooking but I feel guilty about it. I generally clean up after but dh is trying to lead by example so he helps and the kids help too but then at the weekend for homemade pizza, the most hellish of clean ups because there is dough and flour everywhere, breadboards and a big doughy bowl, he doesn’t and I’ve never figured out whether I should be fine about it!!

YANBU

My DH is the same way so if one cooks they also clean because it wasn’t fair that when I cooked it would take him under 10 min to clean and me 30.

The angriest he has ever made me over this was after I told him the night before that I needed the kitchen in the morning to bake our son’s birthday cake and came to the kitchen looking like a bomb site with dishes covering the counters, in the sink, table covered with stuff when I got there. There was not one clear, clean surface. His excuse was that he got caught up talking with his parents who were visiting us and they spent the night talking in the kitchen. Three grown adults sat drinking wine in a filthy kitchen where there is a functional dishwasher. If it wasn’t for it being our son’s birthday I would have walked out. He cleans his own dishes and makes his own meals unless I offer.