Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not agree with one cooks and one cleans at meal times?

86 replies

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 02/02/2023 19:18

It drives DH mad that I refuse tidy/clean the kitchen after he's cooked a meal.

The reasons I don't do it are:

  • we dont split other household tasks this way. So if I do the washing, he doesn't fold it and put it away. If he cuts the grass I don't empty the cuttings etc.
  • whenever he cooks he uses every pot, pan, chopping board, knife etc and does not tidy as he goes at all. There is always a pile of onion skins or the ends of carrot on the bench as well. I had it drilled into me to tidy/clean as I go so the only thing to to wash is the pan I've served from (plates go straight into the dishwasher)
  • he enjoys cooking and coming up with tricky/difficult recipes often using different difficult to clean gadgets which I don't want to be cleaning up at 9/10pm during the week.

I've told him in the past that I will finish the kitchen off if he cooks providing he hasn't made a stonking mess but he thinks this isn't fair as he's slaved over a hot stove preparing food for me.

This is all light-hearted btw, no fall outs or ltbs

OP posts:
SomethingLikeThisNow · 02/02/2023 23:33

I like dh to clean up after I've cooked. But then I've done breakfast, lunch and dinner. I've cleaned up after myself all through the day. If he doesn't clean up after dinner then what's he doing?
He says "clean up as you go" but then I'm doing all the "go" so lucky me gets to clean it all up too? No thanks.

SouperNoodle · 02/02/2023 23:34

I clean as I cook so at the end, the only thing to clean is the dishes we ate from.
DH always cleans these after dinner (as I always cook).
If he cooked and was that messy, no way I'd clean it all up by myself.

Luminalintel768 · 03/02/2023 00:43

I am totally with you on this op! YANBU at all.

When I cook, I plan my cooking so that it is easy to clean up. So I take care to cook dishes that go in one roasting tray for example, or just use two pans, or pans that only go in the dw, and I line any baking tins with cooking parchment. Or I cook double the amount so the next day there isn’t a great cleaning up job to do and we can get ahead. And I start early or on time so I can cook things slowly in casserole dishes or have certain elements pre-prepared and ready to go.

And I will clean up as I go along, empty the dw before I start cooking and I will wipe down the kitchen surfaces and stove top while it is warm and quickly rinse utensils and put them straight in to the empty dishwasher. I will also keep on top of the bins and recycling and put all ingredients back where I found them in the minutes between stirring and simmering.

Dh does none of this however! He will cook a huge ring of Cumberland sausages for example in a heavy ridged frying pan and leave an inch of grease behind and splash fat up the kitchen tiles. He will use multiple pans; many cast iron ones that don’t go in the dishwasher.

He won’t plan the menu properly so he’ll cook a dish with five elements one night and then he’ll start from scratch again the next night with another complicated dish. He’ll also leave cooking until the very last minute and won’t plan so he hasn’t time to clear up as he goes along and he creates a trail of chaos.

I’ve told him countless times that he could be much quicker and more efficient but he chooses to ignore me so he gets to clear up his own mess thanks!

Ponderingwindow · 03/02/2023 00:56

im not a fan either. I clean up as I go along. DH doesn’t even rinse the dishes he is done with so things don’t dry on and require scrubbing later.

BadNomad · 03/02/2023 00:56

I always thought that meant one cooked, and the other washed the dinner plates and cutlery after eating. Not washing every piece of equipment used! There is no need for a pile of chaos to be left after.

TrinnySmith · 03/02/2023 05:37

Well, how often is he cooking?
If 6 nights a week then just suck it up - I envy you. If once a week and makes a mess everywhere then not so good.
I would make him cook most nights then the fancy new recipe/ using every pan might lose its attraction.
I cook nearly every night - DH expects me to clear up as I go along - then he fills the dishwasher (badly) - I would give anything to have someone cook regularly

Lulu1919 · 03/02/2023 06:14

I cook
Husband washes / stacks dishwasher
BUT
I was as a I go too ...so there may be one pan a baking sheet and serving spoon plus out plates and glasses
But I leave surfaces cleaned down,whisks and or gadgets washed etc

Cranky2 · 03/02/2023 06:20

Fuck that! Fortunately DH and I agree with whoever cooks should clean up. We both have our own ways of cooking and tidying up that annoy the other. It's much better one of us does the jobs and the other has a night off.

WandaWonder · 03/02/2023 06:25

My husband cooks 99% of the time, I love eating and practise it as much as possible I hate cooking though so will happily clean up instead

We both do other jobs but maybe not all at the same time

I have not say and worked out who does what but I am fine with my jobs as long as he does his which he does

StuntNun · 03/02/2023 06:26

Absolutely not. DH makes a huge mess when he cooks and likes to make elaborate meals and use extra equipment, for example making roast potatoes in the Air Fryer even though the oven is on for the rest of the roast. When I cook the kitchen is left pretty clear with the dishwasher already loaded with all the chopping boards, knives, saucepans I've used.

louise5754 · 03/02/2023 06:30

This is strange as I was thinking about this last night. DH doesn't put anything in the bin Vegetable peelings, spilt sauce, packets. Lots of pans. Leaves his finished plate on the side with leftovers. He thinks sod it I don't have to clean it.

Where I clean up as I go and wash up when I cook.

louise5754 · 03/02/2023 06:32

Also he works away loads so I usually do both and sort the kids etc

gamerchick · 03/02/2023 06:34

I'm the same as you OP and stuck to my guns with husband and the mess he made. He tidies as he goes along now.

louise5754 · 03/02/2023 06:36

Harriettt · 02/02/2023 22:57

If my DH cooks I clean, if I cook he cleans. Works for us. If he has spent the time putting a lovely meal together and it's meant I've not had to cook that night, then I'm happy whizzing round for 10 mins max cleaning everything up as a compromise.

If it only takes you ten minutes to clean then this isn't the same situation as op.

OldandTired66 · 03/02/2023 06:40

No, no, oh, no. DH never cooks so always cleans up after whoever cooks (3 cooks, 1 washer upper). Never gets a break 😂. Besides, no-one else is allowed near the dishwasher.

bcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyza · 03/02/2023 06:41

In our house if I cook he washes up and puts away. No matter what mess has been made.

hidingbehindascreen · 03/02/2023 06:46

We pay the teenager to do the kitchen at night!

There are downsides to this though... like the washing up liquid flavour cup of tea I've just had!

coodawoodashooda · 03/02/2023 06:58

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 02/02/2023 19:39

I hardly ever cook for us as he's a back seat chef. Keeps hopping in to 'help' and ends up taking over. I will if he's out and I can make something that's ready for when he's back and I'll cook when he's away obvs. Most of the time he cooks. But I do all the washing, the shopping and he has every Saturday "off duty" as he's off playing sports so I say evenings are my time.

Happy to swap if he would keep the F out the way

But you could batch cook when he's out and have your turn waiting in the freezer. No way would I entertain tidying up that carnage.

Bananamilkshakewirthcream · 03/02/2023 07:09

I agree for the same reasons.
When I cook it's really only a case of loading the dishwasher and washing or loading the main pots.

When dh cooks every utensil, pot pan you name it in the house has been used and spread all around the kitchen and it's absolute carnage.

Plus he doesn't clear up properly in my opinion anyway.

ButterCrackers · 03/02/2023 07:13

The cook clears up. It would be great to cook and just leave every utensil, pan, plate etc and surface for someone else to clear up. I suggest to clear up the plates after the dinner only.

EdnaMole · 03/02/2023 07:15

Oh yes this is my husband to a tee!! I do all the meal planning, shopping, figuring stuff out etc and cook Mon-Fri. Also wash up and tidy the kitchen..he does work later than me and our evenings are often busy with Parent Taxi duties so there’s a degree of dashing about. But at the weekend he “cooks what he fancies” (some weird nonsense he’s spotted in the Guardian Food Supplement) which involves sourcing the ingredients and making a huuuge mess. Again like OP he’s not sussed out that you could in fact turn round and put your onion skins in the bin and put the lid back on your fancy schmanzy sauce. I will say his food is always delicious, but there’s often a ratio….the more delicious the bigger the mess, so my heart is sinking while I’m eating knowing what I’ve got to face…
Often have family members over for dinner at the weekend too and they are full of praise for his cooking..rightly so in many respects but the skivvy doesn’t get a mention!!
When/if he does wash up he’s SO bad at it..you can literally see where he’s “wafted” the dish scrubber across the worktop, never cleans the stove top or sweeps the floor…and what’s the deal with not emptying the washing up bowl?? Who wants to come down to last night’s scummy water in the bowl with a crusty ring of nastiness round the top??
Ah, it’s a good job I love the daft old sod.

Bunnynames101 · 03/02/2023 07:22

Another where you clean up what you cook with (when I was living with partners).

I clean as I go and try to do one cooking dish meals.

If someone tried to force otherwise I'd do a bit of malicious compliance and on my turn to cook would dab a tiny blob of sauce on every dish and utensil in the house. 😝

Harriettt · 03/02/2023 07:53

louise5754 · 03/02/2023 06:36

If it only takes you ten minutes to clean then this isn't the same situation as op.

Show quote history

It is the same situation. Why would pots and pans and foot on the units and open doors take me more than 10 mins to sort?

Harriettt · 03/02/2023 07:58

louise5754 · 03/02/2023 06:36

If it only takes you ten minutes to clean then this isn't the same situation as op.

Show quote history

Oh and ps, nowhere did I say it was the same situation. But in my situation, from an exploded kitchen with multiple pans and dishes used it's all sorted after 10 mins out there.

Tiani4 · 03/02/2023 08:15

Yanbu

He makes a mess everywhere when he cooks and doesn't clean up as he goes
It's not equivalent to when you cook

He should cleans up after himself including washing oven where he's spilt or splattered whilst cooking and all kitchen sides splatters on cupboards /tiles etc down and all the pots and pans used to cook. I might negotiate on pita and pans of he hasn't gone crazy but if he went crazy he deals with his own mess...

The other person clears and cleans the table and washes up/ empties and loads dishwasher hoovers (or sweeps) and mops the floor by the dining table, extending that to kitchen by agreement that day only , that's the deal in our house.

If you do additional household jobs he doesn't help with , there should be better negotiation of division