To not agree with one cooks and one cleans at meal times?

[SliceOfCakeCupOfTea]

It drives DH mad that I refuse tidy/clean the kitchen after he's cooked a meal.

The reasons I don't do it are:

• we dont split other household tasks this way. So if I do the washing, he doesn't fold it and put it away. If he cuts the grass I don't empty the cuttings etc.

• whenever he cooks he uses every pot, pan, chopping board, knife etc and does not tidy as he goes at all. There is always a pile of onion skins or the ends of carrot on the bench as well. I had it drilled into me to tidy/clean as I go so the only thing to to wash is the pan I've served from (plates go straight into the dishwasher)

• he enjoys cooking and coming up with tricky/difficult recipes often using different difficult to clean gadgets which I don't want to be cleaning up at 9/10pm during the week.

I've told him in the past that I will finish the kitchen off if he cooks providing he hasn't made a stonking mess but he thinks this isn't fair as he's slaved over a hot stove preparing food for me.

This is all light-hearted btw, no fall outs or ltbs

I would base it on time spent. So if you're DH spends gotta making something delicious, then only fair you have to wash a gadget. If you make a one pot meal in the slow cooker which takes a few mins to put together and then you leave it for hours, then it's only fair if he doesn't have to wash much up.

That's how I would see it. But our division is that I do ALL the cooking (I mostly like it, apart from the planning) and dh does all the cleaning up. I think he probably spends a little less time overall even though I do leave a mess most nights!

We clear up together, no matter who cooks. DH works more days than me, but we got into the habit when the DC were small and I see no reason to change it.

Oh and he did the little bowls thing too until one day I cracked the shits and told him to stop it. He will at least wash up but usually the next day. Why do so many men seem think that cooking = carrying on like a chef?!!

I slightly disagree with this. DH loves cooking and using all the pans and gadgets and on a weekend has a glass or 2 of wine, listens to the radio, while pottering about making dinner. There is not anywhere the same enjoyment level in clearing away and washing up greasy pans afterwards!

We don't really have rules about this. Sometimes whoever is cooking will do it, sometimes the other person goes though first so they will crack on. I can't be doing with bickering or formality over basic tasks. We are quite laid back here.

Depends on how often you cook compared to him imo.

My husband never cooks its always me so I think its fair that he does the dishes.

I hardly ever cook but then I do way more housework and child rearing & shepherding than he does, which I'm happy to do as long as I also don't have to clean up after him when he cooks.

Yeah same here. When DH cooks he makes an absolute fucking mess, so he cleans it up. When I cook I clean as I go along so nothing to do after except put the last few bits in the dishwasher. No way I’m cleaning up his destruction.

YANBU. The only way one cooks/the other cleans works is if the two people have a similar approach to cooking and cleaning.

DH is much messier than I am. He just is! Even when he says he'll clean after cooking, it's rarely up to my standards, so I often end up doing more cleaning that usual, anyway. However, based on our work hours and division of labour around the house, that's usually ok with me, as long as it's spread out.

It's important to me that he at least makes an effort to put things back to rights, though, and if we were doing 50/50 work/housework, I'd certainly expect him to clean up after himself, because our cooking/cleaning styles are so different that it would feel unfair. Either that or we could possibly agree to always share the cleaning, regardless of who has cooked.

I meal plan and order the shopping. I'm usually the one remembering to get stuff out of the freezer and remembering to do any advance prep needed.

We share the cooking, but mostly DH tbh.

DH clears up and stacks the dishwasher regardless of who cooks.

Feels fair to me!

I think the person who cooks should clean up, which most can be done whilst the dinner is cooking.

But take it in turns over who does the cooking.

So one day you can relax and not have to cook or wash up and then the next day DH can do the same.

I swear to god this would give me the rage 🤣

‘There is always a pile of onion skins or the ends of carrot on the bench as well.’

My husband does this and it drives me absolutely insane!
Just no need, peel them over the bin or scrape them, takes 2 secs!

He also still puts empty packets back in fridge/cupboards and when he does the dishes won’t wash cutlery!

My DH cleans up regardless of who has cooked. He likes to listen to The World Tonight on R4 as he does it.

DH is outrageous. I don't understand why he doesn't clean up when the food is cooking.

For those of you who say your DH uses lots of little bowls etc, you are lucky. My DH uses the biggest of everything, meaning that not everything fits in the dishwasher. He then fills up the massive pans with water and leaves them to soak.

It's just easier to do all the cooking myself.

My DH always tidies up but to be fair he doesn't cook. It doesn't matter how much mess i make he is always happy to tidy up as he is very grateful that i cook.

I am very grateful for him cooking. He is really, really good and I always get to enjoy lovely teas, but he also loves cooking. It's his way to unwind. He has the TV/music on, no one is allowed in, he snacks while he does it or has some wine at the weekend. If I do it he hovers around the kitchen trying to 'help' or tries to show me better techniques when I'm perfectly happy with my own way of dicing onion.

I don't enjoy some of my household jobs but do them because if I don't we'll all be smelly and naked. I don't get any enjoyment from it (other than choosing new wax melts or reed diffusers)

This literally is me and DH! 🤣
Except I'm too basic to buy wax melts and Reed diffusers!

My DH is so similar to many on here. He absolutely cannot clean up as he cooks. Even if you only go into the kitchen 2hrs later you can tell what exactly he cooked, what seasoning and ingredients he used. He cooks and baked really well and loves to but tidying up is a totally different activity to him.

I find this really annoying too! I tidy as I go while DP makes a mess of the entire kitchen. Takes me longer to clean it than he did to cook the meal (or it feels like that!). Plus when I cook, he just puts his feet up. But he cooks while I’m still getting DS to bed. Great because we can eat earlier but it means I just have a long slog of bedtime and then cleaning the kitchen.

I think the only compromise could be that he doea 50% of the washing to counteract you cleaning up after dinner. I don't think YABU to refuse to clean up after him at all though. It sounds like he has a much easier life if all he does at home is bloody cook!

I also find this annoying. On the case of my DH, I think he wouldn't sk it if he had to clear up and he wouldn't do it if I made a similar mess, as it would teach him how it feels. Please do stick to your guns!

If my DH cooks I clean, if I cook he cleans. Works for us. If he has spent the time putting a lovely meal together and it's meant I've not had to cook that night, then I'm happy whizzing round for 10 mins max cleaning everything up as a compromise.

YANBU Op given the situation as you describe it. He needs to clean up after himself and he should also do more of the household chores, not the only one he actually enjoys! He also needs to stay out of the kitchen and let you cook occasionally without his interference.

I cook and husband or kids clean, AND I'm a messy cook, but they all agree that cleaning up my bombsite is a fair price to pay for having a hot meal appear on the table every night as if by magic without ever having to plan / prep / cook it or think about it in any way.