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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU/ pre school yesterday / son upset at being forgotten/ un noticed

57 replies

SeenYourArse · 02/02/2023 14:30

Ok so yesterday I collected my son (3.5 yrs started pre school in Sept) from pre school, which is nursery class at our local primary school. The kids sit behind a screen in a reading nook being read to whilst teacher stands at the exit door calling them over in turn as parents arrive, she shouted my DS and he didn’t pop up and come after a few calls, (I had been waiting in the collection queue about 3/4 mins) so the assistant stops reading and goes to see if he’s in the toilets as he isn’t in the group and comes back carrying him and he’s sobbing (he doesn't cry or let himself be picked up usually!) once in the car I get him to calm down and tell me that he was crying because he was in the toilet for a long time and was shouting for help to wipe his bottom but nobody came. The lady just pulled his pants up and carried him out to me without wiping him so he was a mess when I got home and checked him I had to stick him straight in the shower and bin his undies 😡 I’m so annoyed he’s so little for his age and it’s his first experience of being away from me and home.
I spoke to them this morning (he’s not in on a Thursday) and the teacher said “oh he hasn't met the other lady who was here yesterday before so might not have been confident enough to tell her he was going to the toilet”
AIBU to be upset and think they should know where all their charges are at all times and check if gone to the loo for more than a few mins if they need help?
He’s a sensitive soul and was quite upset it was a shock to see him crying he just doesn’t. There were only 9 children in the class 😳

OP posts:
ReamsOfCheese · 02/02/2023 14:44

YANBU she should have thought to herself, "I can smell poo. Here in front of me is a child with his pants down. In a toilet. Maybe-just maybe-this small child who has just pooed needs help wiping himself clean and at this age, with my experience and training in childcare, I might have an idea that children of this age can't necessarily volunteer information about what the problem is and may need to be asked or prompted."
Poor lamb, I hope it doesn't put him off using the toilet. They can get constipated if they are too stressed about using the loo.

BloomingXmas · 02/02/2023 15:01

At 3.5, and in preschool, I would expect a child to be able to wipe their bottom themselves.

Tillow4ever · 02/02/2023 15:05

BloomingXmas · 02/02/2023 15:01

At 3.5, and in preschool, I would expect a child to be able to wipe their bottom themselves.

Do you have children?

ThreeLittleDots · 02/02/2023 15:10

I think if he wants help wiping his bum he needs to understand that he tells them that he's off to the loo

PAFMO · 02/02/2023 15:10

Make sure he knows he needs to tell someone he's going to the toilet. Odd that with only 9 children they hadn't noticed one was missing and couldn't hear him shouting. Sounds a bit rubbish.

DaveyJonesLocker · 02/02/2023 15:11

YANBU I don't understand how he got up and walk off to the toilet without anybody noticing. And then she found him in the toilet and didn't even bother to wipe him. Poor thing

PAFMO · 02/02/2023 15:11

BloomingXmas · 02/02/2023 15:01

At 3.5, and in preschool, I would expect a child to be able to wipe their bottom themselves.

Lots of preschools won't accept children unless they can do that for themselves so yes, he probably needs to start to be trained to do it.

MaverickGooseGoose · 02/02/2023 15:12

They're not allowed to help with toileting without another adult, standard safeguarding. They should have realised he was missing though.

SeasonFinale · 02/02/2023 15:13

Tillow4ever · 02/02/2023 15:05

Do you have children?

Show quote history

I am not that poster but I have 3 and all were able to go to the toilet and wipe their bums by the time they were at preschool. It would be more unusual not to be able. However if they are not able to I am sure the assistant would have expected the child to ask for help if they need it.

Sugargliderwombat · 02/02/2023 15:50

It's a preschool, toileting should be independent, sorry 😔, it does sound very sad and it is very little to expect this but lots of children at just 4 start school and they aren't helped either.

CaptainMyCaptain · 02/02/2023 15:53

BloomingXmas · 02/02/2023 15:01

At 3.5, and in preschool, I would expect a child to be able to wipe their bottom themselves.

So would I and, yes, I have children and grandchildren. She probably wanted to be quick anyway as presumably she had left the other children on the carpet.

zingally · 02/02/2023 16:58

At that age he should be having a decent try at wiping on his own tbh. And if he started in September, and it's now February, it's not like he's VERY new any more. You make out like this is his first ever day away from you.
Not excusing the pre-school, but I think you're over-reacting.

Original poster
SeenYourArse · 02/02/2023 20:22

Well it must be a very unusually behind year group then because they check wipe for them all as standard she told me when he started they have gloves in the toilets for that, there is actually a little boy in the class still not fully potty trained he wears a nappy! So my son is not behind his peers in this class. I asked if he needed to be toileting fully independently before he started and they assured me he didn’t, he is improving but my actual problem here is that they don’t make him wipe himself they do it for him for speed whereas I make him always wipe himself 🤦‍♀️ he is quite young for his age and he was only 3 at the end of July so one of the youngest, he’s still a little babyish in himself and a sensitive boy too.

OP posts:
Littlebluedinosaur · 02/02/2023 20:33

I used to teach nursery. Wiping bottoms is par for the course but the children really need to tell an adult they are going to the toilet. Especially at a busy time like home time.

shinynewapple22 · 02/02/2023 20:37

Not quite sure of the status of this 'pre-school' but I do know that in some schools it is not unusual for children to not be fully toilet trained when they start in nursery class.

Sapphire387 · 02/02/2023 20:37

Is your username a joke, with this thread?!

Tbh, it sounds like you need to focus on teaching him to wipe his bottom properly.

Thepossibility · 02/02/2023 20:40

BloomingXmas · 02/02/2023 15:01

At 3.5, and in preschool, I would expect a child to be able to wipe their bottom themselves.

Sure mate.
My 3yo son is still in nappies.
We would have a party if he simply sat on the toilet.

Hankunamatata · 02/02/2023 20:41

He needs to tell an adult he is goi g to toilet and needs help or learn to shout loudly

cansu · 02/02/2023 20:43

This sounds like a non issue. He went to the loo at home time and was therefore in loo calling for help when everyone was busy getting ready to go home. He was found within a few minutes. I really can't see what is the issue.

Rosebel · 02/02/2023 20:49

Not sure. I work in the preschool room (but it's different because it's within a nursery) and most of the children wipe themselves independently. We don't unless they actually ask us to (or parents request it).
Chicken have to ask to use the toilet though because it's a heavy door.
If you want them to wipe or help then tell them. Your son needs to speak up because if he struggles in a class of 9 he's going to really struggle in a class of 30. I'm not sure how you can make him feel more confident apart from talking to him and reminding him the assistants are there to help bu6he must ask.
I doubt he was there for ages. Children have no concept of time at this age.

Kalpatra · 02/02/2023 20:54

It’s gross they didn’t wipe him, my child got a painful willy infection thst way once, I’d mention that to them. If he was sitting on the loo then obviously he’d done a poo.

Mammyloveswine · 02/02/2023 21:02

I'm not convinced it's the full story...home time is manic! He might have pulled his own trousers up!

You've raised the issue now you can guarantee it'll not happen again.

I know it's hard, they are our babies but in school nursery and reception there are countless other children!

I'm an early years teacher and I have two young children so I do understand and see it from both sides.

Floralnomad · 02/02/2023 21:03

What are the rules for going to the toilet are they supposed to ask ? As for the bottom wiping is there something wrong with his poos as surely he shouldn’t have been in that much of a mess unless he’s got really soft stools like diarrhoea . I would imagine it was just the end of the session and they were trying to get them handed back to their carers quickly .

33goingon64 · 02/02/2023 21:04

We didn't even START potty training either of our DSs until 3.5 because they just weren't ready. To say every 3.5 year old should be able to wipe themselves is like saying all 4 month old should sleep through the night.

Haylmg · 02/02/2023 21:06

BloomingXmas · 02/02/2023 15:01

At 3.5, and in preschool, I would expect a child to be able to wipe their bottom themselves.

You can’t be serious !

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