Page 2 | AIBU about 10 year anniversary? (Yes)

ChangingSpoons · 2023-02-02T09:02:55+00:00

NC'd because I do know I am actually being unreasonable. This is 50% lighthearted but also 50% genuinely a bit sad. DH and I had our 10 year anniversary at the weekend. At Christmas, I'd made really clear that I'd like a certain bracelet that I'd seen. He was with me going past the shop window, I pointed it out, he took a photo. It was only £50 so well within budget and I really liked it. Christmas came, no bracelet - bracelet was even on sale. I tentatively mentioned to DH about the bracelet, he said he forgot about it. I said "well, maybe for our anniversary", he said "maybe". Anniversary comes, no bracelet, no card - but I did get a box of chocolates. So, I was a bit sad but didn't say anything. We aren't strapped for cash so I bought myself the bracelet - but it's not the point. I've just found that DH has scoffed the whole box of chocolates. Definitely a first world problem, definitely not a big deal, definitely just a little bit sad about it anyway.

AspiringMermaid · 02/02/2023 09:46

Definitely talk about how you feel and set expectations! It is fair enough to say you are disappointed, perhaps suggests something else to make up for it, like a date night? It'd be a shame if your 10 anniversary always linked just to that bad memory.
In the future whenever you see something that you like just buy it, so your not disappointed when you don't get the specific item... It doesn't sound like hinting works with your DH! I personally would buy him less so you both open equal presents (I don't think it matters you buy what you want during the year - I'm guessing thats not a spoken agreement?) . Would he even care if you had the same attitude to gift giving? Some people like my DH, just don't see gifts as a big deal, tbh I love that about my DH because I never feel pressure to guess what he wants

SmileWithADimple · 02/02/2023 09:47

You got him an apple watch and he got you a box of chocolates! Surely he must see the discrepancy here?

LookingOldTheseDays · 02/02/2023 09:47

He bought chocolates and then just ate them himself? 🙁

LookingOldTheseDays · 02/02/2023 09:49

ChangingSpoons · 02/02/2023 09:21

I'm sorry. In defence of DH, they are my favourite.

Show quote history

But he ate them. So even if they're your favourite, you isn't get to enjoy them.

Does he ever get you something really nice for you to enjoy?

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 02/02/2023 09:49

Easy solution here, stop buying him anything. Either he'll realise how shitty it feels and start properly thinking about presents for you, or he won't care, in which case at least you're even and can just get on with buying what you want for yourselves

Botw1 · 02/02/2023 09:49

Does he tell you not to buy him the nice things he accepts from you?

Being good in bed doesn't excuse him being a complete selfish prick about this.

Are you going to tell him to replace the chocolates and give you the money for the bracelet?

ValerieDoonican · 02/02/2023 09:53

Your relationship needs a bit of a step forward. Sometimes people don't 'get' important things about each other.

You need to explain to him that these things are important to you,even if they are meaningless to him. To you gifts like this symbolise how important you are to him. So a box of chocs he eats anyway- "she's not important". The bracelet she specifically likes "she's important enough for me to go to the (reasonably minor) trouble."

Give him a chance to express say that he doesn't like you wasting money on expensive bits for him, if that's how he feels.

If he isn't even interested in having the conversation, you have a whole other problem, though. That would show he genuinely doesn't think you are important as an individual. You are now just his wife, part of the furniture. That in the 'unit', he sees you as the passive appendage, and himself as the driver.

You need to find out which it is!

TheWitchesAreBackInTown · 02/02/2023 09:56

Just read your update.

Have you talked to him about how you feel? You need to let him know how upset you are and why.

Original poster

ChangingSpoons · 02/02/2023 10:15

I messaged him. He said he thought I asked him not to get it... I'm a bit confused.

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Billybagpuss · 02/02/2023 10:19

So you bought him an Apple Watch and he bought you a box of chocolates, which he ate, and unless they were seriously expensive chocolates, it doesn't even come close. Even the biggest fortnum and mason box is less than half the price of an old Apple Watch.

caringcarer · 02/02/2023 10:20

So, have I got this right, he bought you a camping trip for Xmas that he will also benefit from. At Xmas he did not buy the bracelet you wanted. You bought h coat he wanted and other bits. Fast forward to wedding anniversary still no bracelet for you. Instead he buys you box of chocolates then eats them all himself. You buy him Apple watch. If this is correct he is selfish and if he loves you he has a strange way of showing it. For my birthday my dh bought me a Surface Pro. For Xmas he got me a new coat I picked out, and gave me a spa day voucher for 2 and I will take my sister with me. For wedding anniversary last year he took me to Brugge as a suprise and booked us into same hotel we stayed when we were engaged. He paid for everything for whole short break including carriage ride. I think your DH takes you for granted. My dh does lots of little things for me to show his love including tea in bed every morning and scrapes ice off my car before I drove in morning. Your DH needs a wake up call.

delayedtrauma · 02/02/2023 10:21

What exactly did he say when he opened an Apple Watch and all you had was a box of chocolates? Was that not bloody awkward?

And in what way is that kind?!!

PaddyDingDong · 02/02/2023 10:23

ChangingSpoons · 02/02/2023 10:15

I messaged him. He said he thought I asked him not to get it... I'm a bit confused.

Weaponised incompetence!!

Have a serious chat with him tonight.

PaddyDingDong · 02/02/2023 10:24

caringcarer · 02/02/2023 10:20

So, have I got this right, he bought you a camping trip for Xmas that he will also benefit from. At Xmas he did not buy the bracelet you wanted. You bought h coat he wanted and other bits. Fast forward to wedding anniversary still no bracelet for you. Instead he buys you box of chocolates then eats them all himself. You buy him Apple watch. If this is correct he is selfish and if he loves you he has a strange way of showing it. For my birthday my dh bought me a Surface Pro. For Xmas he got me a new coat I picked out, and gave me a spa day voucher for 2 and I will take my sister with me. For wedding anniversary last year he took me to Brugge as a suprise and booked us into same hotel we stayed when we were engaged. He paid for everything for whole short break including carriage ride. I think your DH takes you for granted. My dh does lots of little things for me to show his love including tea in bed every morning and scrapes ice off my car before I drove in morning. Your DH needs a wake up call.

This!

TheWitchesAreBackInTown · 02/02/2023 10:27

ChangingSpoons · 02/02/2023 10:15

I messaged him. He said he thought I asked him not to get it... I'm a bit confused.

Gaslighting you now. Lovely chap you got there.

Original poster

ChangingSpoons · 02/02/2023 10:36

He does do nice things for me, like making cups of tea. After messaging him, I definitely think there’s something else going on.

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Greenraincoat12 · 02/02/2023 10:37

On our tenth anniversary DH accidently booked a shift that involved working away (his job takes him to different places). He thought he was being romantic by earning a wage. I wasn't best pleased because it was a milestone I wanted to celebrate with him. We did fall out a bit over it and he can see why I was upset. We don't dwell on it however.
It's good you have brought it up with him. Nip it in the bud as they say.

Botw1 · 02/02/2023 10:40

Why do you keep telling him it's fine when it's not?

He's also lying to you and trying to make it your fault

Twawmyarse2 · 02/02/2023 10:45

This is my dh. After years of getting terrible presents that I wouldn’t choose for myself and thinking “wtf”? I now just tell him what I want!

This Christmas I didn’t get what I’d asked for despite mentioning it several times. Difference with me is I came right out and asked him why he didn’t buy me what I asked for! His excuse was he’s had so much on at work he completely forgot (this is true and I believe him) he apologised and gave me the receipt for what he did buy me so I could exchange it.

I would just ask your dh why he didn’t get you the bracelet - don’t stew over it, be upfront. It does make you feel unappreciated and like they don’t listen to you or care about the things you like - I always buy dh what he asks for.

Botw1 · 02/02/2023 10:47

Also, do people actually talk to each other like that?

Laiste · 02/02/2023 10:49

Reading that exchange:

Would he lie? You know him best. Would he lie about who he thought said what?

More importantly i think you should focus - face to face - on the main subject. You feel unappreciated and that he has said he's struggling to function socially like he used to.

Sit down with him when there's time, and neither of you are distracted or angry.

StaceySolomonSwash · 02/02/2023 10:53

And that exchange finished with "it's fine"

Job done. He's off the hook. 🙄

Original poster

ChangingSpoons · 02/02/2023 10:56

Botw1 · 02/02/2023 10:47

Also, do people actually talk to each other like that?

What do you mean?

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Botw1 · 02/02/2023 10:59

The whole fully functioning human/ let's unpack that bit.

I can't imagine speaking in those terms.

But then if my oh ate my chocolate I wouldn't tell him I was sad. And that it was fine.

Id tell him if he fucking ate my chocolate again I'd rip his fucking balls off and he could eat them

Original poster

ChangingSpoons · 02/02/2023 11:08

Botw1 · 02/02/2023 10:59

The whole fully functioning human/ let's unpack that bit.

I can't imagine speaking in those terms.

But then if my oh ate my chocolate I wouldn't tell him I was sad. And that it was fine.

Id tell him if he fucking ate my chocolate again I'd rip his fucking balls off and he could eat them

I don’t think that went down that well

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