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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Separate finances AIBU

69 replies

Doingdoingdont · 02/02/2023 08:39

So I don't think I'm not unreasonable, but prepared to be corrected. DH worries about money, and thinks I spend extravagantly. I dont. I don't buy expensive clothes for DCs or myself, don't buy perfume or treats for myself, only rarely get make-up but generally can make what I have last and get make-up for birthday and xmas gifts from my mum, I occasionally buy the odd thing Amazon (e.g. Last week bought hamabeads for DC who is recovering from illness).

Last night we had a takeaway, at DC request, first one since before xmas, cost £30. We have paid all direct debits this month, it's not pushed us over any spending limit. DH says has been up all night worried about the spending. For background he stopped drinking yesterday was his first day not buying cans. On most days he buys at least 4 cans of lager, usually 8. He said he's giving up drinking to save money. For context he has been promising to cut down for years but each day he comes home with more cans and plans to stop "tomorrow" .

I vape, so maybe £10 a week on vapes, which I know is a huge waste of money and trying to reduce this, I used to smoke so it was more expensive. This is a frequent cast up by him when I mention what he spends on cans.

So he has decided we should have separate finances and put a set amount into a joint for bills and direct debits etc. I am relieved rather than upset, as he seemed to think I would be. I feel he will finally have to take responsibility for his spending ( upwards of £80 on alcohol a week alone). I am hopeful that he will stay off alcohol, but experience has shown it is unlikely to last.

So I earn slightly less than him, but do less hours to allow for children and do majority of housework, I'm part time he is full time. I suggested we put money in to joint funds relative to what we earn, for example if i earn 15% less I putt 15% less into the direct debit account.

So this is my AIBU (at last, sorry it took so long to get to the point) DH is not happy with this suggestion. He thinks I'm just trying to "do him over" over money. I also want to keep child benefit separate to keep for the DCs needs alone, he says I'm trying to steal from DCs.

How do other mumsnetters who have a separate finances system work it out fairly?

OP posts:
Oopswediditagain2023 · 02/02/2023 08:50

I might have lost the gist of your post but I'll answer the question and hope it helps!

So we have a joint account for things like the mortgage, utility bills etc. We each put in the same proportion of our take home wage, about 55%, and then the rest is ours to keep and spend how we like. Our children have their own bank accounts etc, so things such as child benefit go into that account along with birthday money.

For things like holidays, we tend to split it so one will buy the accommodation and the other pays for flights, or one pays for meals out and food etc whilst we're there and the other pays for the things before we go so it works out fairly evenly usually.

Botw1 · 02/02/2023 08:52

I think you've got much bigger issues than finances

His hypocrisy and alcoholism would be enough for me to end it.

ancientgran · 02/02/2023 08:57

We have never had joint finances in almost 40 years. We originally did a split so I paid somethings like council tax, water, insurance he paid things like phone, internet, gas electric and mortgage, I paid food. Now he has no mortgage to pay and his pension is better than mine so he transfers me money every month. It sort of worked/works out about right and if one of us had a bad month the other would chip in. We have been short of money but comfortable now with mortgage paid off, children grown up and we have decent pensions. I suppose we are fairly relaxed about money, trust each other and it works for us. I know it wouldn't for everyone. One thing we've never had an argument about is money even when it was very tight.

The thing that strikes me about your post is he doesn't seem to trust you which I think is the big issue.

Ponoka7 · 02/02/2023 08:58

Children are a joint expense. If he wants you to put more in, then you need to ask him how the childcare is going to happen so you can earn more. He then steps up for the housework. At the moment you are the one being done over. Are you sure that he doesn't have secret debt? You are living with an alcoholic, expect unreasonableness, manipulation etc.

billy1966 · 02/02/2023 08:58

Botw1 · 02/02/2023 08:52

I think you've got much bigger issues than finances

His hypocrisy and alcoholism would be enough for me to end it.

He sounds awful.

I think you should be reaching out for help as this does not sound like a good environment for children to be in at all.

He's a controlling alcoholic IMO.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 02/02/2023 08:59

I'm with @Botw1

That said, the system of all in one pot and equal "pocket money" out has always worked for us. It gives equal value to both partners, and as long as you agree what's "pocket money" and what isn't that's great. If you save and he runs out of £ then it will highlight exactly who is doing the unnecessary spending.

As to what comes out of the family pot and what is a personal cost - dh drinks very little, so his beer comes with the family shop. And so does my waxing as we've agreed it's to our mutual benefit and he doesn't have an equivalent expense. But haircuts are personal.

Arnaea · 02/02/2023 09:00

billy1966 · 02/02/2023 08:58

He sounds awful.

I think you should be reaching out for help as this does not sound like a good environment for children to be in at all.

He's a controlling alcoholic IMO.

Show quote history

Agreed he sounds awful

Increase your hours, push back on 50% of childcare, housework, admin and let him get on with it

Sparklfairy · 02/02/2023 09:02

Just ask him directly why he thinks it should be 50/50 split when he earns more, and you save him 50% of childcare and cleaner bill by working fewer hours?

I'd love to hear the answer.

Butchyrestingface · 02/02/2023 09:04

On most days he buys at least 4 cans of lager, usually 8. He said he's giving up drinking to save money. For context he has been promising to cut down for years but each day he comes home with more cans and plans to stop "tomorrow" .

Agree with PP. He sounds like a horror and his accusations about you trying to diddle him are the least of it.

maddy68 · 02/02/2023 09:04

We have separate accounts. We always have. We pay for different things out of those accounts. Eg. My DH pays the mortgage. I pay the electric etc etc

I do not want to have a joint account.

Activelyannoyed · 02/02/2023 09:08

Your approach is right, he is trying to take from you.

FeinCuroxiVooz · 02/02/2023 09:14

if you are part time due to childcare, then effectively you are "paying" a significabt childcare cost by sacrificing so many hours of wages you could be earning. this needs to be accounted for as a contribution to shared costs that you are already making.

so if A works full time and has a salary of £30,000 and B works half time to allow for childcare, and has a salary of £15,000, general household running costs and children's necessities are £40,000 and there is £5000 left over for luxuries, in actual fact the "real" family costs are £55,000 but £15,000 of that has been covered already by B sacrificing their earning work for childcare, and the two contributions are equal so the amount left over to share for luxury spending should also be split equally.

with separate finances do make sure that any treats and extras for the children are also shared - if their extras always come out of your spending money but he gets to spend 100% of his on himself that is hardly fair!

Lkydfju · 02/02/2023 09:14

we have separate finances: he earns more as I went part time for our DC so he puts more in, not sure on rhe percentage but pretty much like you. I deal with the child benefit separately; whatever isn’t used for shoes, clothes, clubs etc for them is put into an account to be used for birthdays and Christmas which works pretty well.
we prefer separate finances as DH is a spender compared to me and neither of us wants to be policing what the other one buys; as long as everything is paid then I don’t care what he spends his money on and vice versa
I would ask him why he thinks he should have more money than you

Childre · 02/02/2023 09:14

You've got much bigger issues than finances

Childre · 02/02/2023 09:16

You need to work out what is saved on childcare each week, what would you genuinely be paying on childcare if you were full time, and that's also your contribution. Or, go 50/50 but go full time and actually pay childcare to let him see the damage to his finances then.

Bananalanacake · 02/02/2023 09:17

Is that 8 cans of lager every day, even week days? Must cost loads, your vapes cost much less. I know it's not the point of the thread but I've bought big bundles of Hama beads and boards on eBay.

Naunet · 02/02/2023 09:28

So he wants you to pay 50/50, do most of the childcare and most of the housework?! Why does he think you should share the perk of your job with the household (more time), but he shouldn’t have to share the perk of his job (more money)?

ssd · 02/02/2023 09:28

I wonder how people live when most replies to your post address the issue about how to split finances, when it's glaringly obvious your issue is with your dh, his alcoholism, his control and belittlingof you and your failure to see its the elephant in the room

babyjellyfish · 02/02/2023 09:39

If I were you I would separate your finances by leaving the bastard.

GasPanic · 02/02/2023 10:04

Spending £80 a week on cans is hard work.

At Aldi you can get 18 cans of Carlsberg for £11.99, or 120 cans.

That's 17 cans a day @ £80 a week.

Anyway, each can has 1.7 units and it's a fairly light beer at 3.8%, so that is 95 units a week if 8 cans a day or 202 units a week if 17 cans a day.

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 02/02/2023 10:09

@GasPanic in Tesco you can buy 4 for €8.50, and if you're buying them in the corner shop they'll cost more.

AspiringMermaid · 02/02/2023 10:10

His approach to finances shows that he is a selfish arsehole. I would want to leave, maybe suggest that you can work more hours and then can both equally pay for childcare /cleaner, and be worse off.

Seriously though doesn't his drinking bother you?

Original poster
Doingdoingdont · 02/02/2023 10:11

GasPanic · 02/02/2023 10:04

Spending £80 a week on cans is hard work.

At Aldi you can get 18 cans of Carlsberg for £11.99, or 120 cans.

That's 17 cans a day @ £80 a week.

Anyway, each can has 1.7 units and it's a fairly light beer at 3.8%, so that is 95 units a week if 8 cans a day or 202 units a week if 17 cans a day.

We're in Scotland so alcohol is priced by unit not sure if that now covers all of UK but its not as cheap as that. He gets 4 x pint cans of bud at £4.80 from the corner shop them goes back and gets another 4 when he finished them most days, days off he goes up and down several times a day.

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 02/02/2023 10:12

Botw1 · 02/02/2023 08:52

I think you've got much bigger issues than finances

His hypocrisy and alcoholism would be enough for me to end it.

This.

PaddyDingDong · 02/02/2023 10:13

He's an alcoholic in denial. He was up all night worrying because he's tweaking for booze. I wouldn't worry at all about this supposed money issue and get him some serious help for his alcoholism.