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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Separate finances AIBU

69 replies

Doingdoingdont · 02/02/2023 08:39

So I don't think I'm not unreasonable, but prepared to be corrected. DH worries about money, and thinks I spend extravagantly. I dont. I don't buy expensive clothes for DCs or myself, don't buy perfume or treats for myself, only rarely get make-up but generally can make what I have last and get make-up for birthday and xmas gifts from my mum, I occasionally buy the odd thing Amazon (e.g. Last week bought hamabeads for DC who is recovering from illness).

Last night we had a takeaway, at DC request, first one since before xmas, cost £30. We have paid all direct debits this month, it's not pushed us over any spending limit. DH says has been up all night worried about the spending. For background he stopped drinking yesterday was his first day not buying cans. On most days he buys at least 4 cans of lager, usually 8. He said he's giving up drinking to save money. For context he has been promising to cut down for years but each day he comes home with more cans and plans to stop "tomorrow" .

I vape, so maybe £10 a week on vapes, which I know is a huge waste of money and trying to reduce this, I used to smoke so it was more expensive. This is a frequent cast up by him when I mention what he spends on cans.

So he has decided we should have separate finances and put a set amount into a joint for bills and direct debits etc. I am relieved rather than upset, as he seemed to think I would be. I feel he will finally have to take responsibility for his spending ( upwards of £80 on alcohol a week alone). I am hopeful that he will stay off alcohol, but experience has shown it is unlikely to last.

So I earn slightly less than him, but do less hours to allow for children and do majority of housework, I'm part time he is full time. I suggested we put money in to joint funds relative to what we earn, for example if i earn 15% less I putt 15% less into the direct debit account.

So this is my AIBU (at last, sorry it took so long to get to the point) DH is not happy with this suggestion. He thinks I'm just trying to "do him over" over money. I also want to keep child benefit separate to keep for the DCs needs alone, he says I'm trying to steal from DCs.

How do other mumsnetters who have a separate finances system work it out fairly?

OP posts:
Original poster
Doingdoingdont · 02/02/2023 10:15

Thanks everyone the suggestions are good.
I do think we have major issues. My relief to his suggesting separate accounts I think comes from the fact I could use this as a stepping stone to eventually separating everything. To be fair to him he hasnt been nasty or shouty for a while and is trying in that respect.

OP posts:
Botw1 · 02/02/2023 10:17

You don't need to be fair to him or need his permission to leave

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 02/02/2023 10:18

What a hypocrite to begrudge the family a takeaway when he spends that much on alcohol.

If you work less hours so you can look after the kids and do more in the house then you are contributing equally (even if the contribution isnt purely financial) so however you split finances, you should have equal spending money.

You should agree though what comes out of spending money as if you still want to do something to benefit the family eg holiday or takeaway but he is not bothered it might not work out well if you are having to take that from your spends.

I hope he told you not to order anything for him? Instead of eating a quarter of it then blambing you for spending?

Original poster
Doingdoingdont · 02/02/2023 10:33

DrinkFeckArseBrick no he ate his share, with an extra side funnily enough.

Aspiring Mermaid it really bothers me, but it has become so normalised even my extended family know that by 4 o'clock on his day off he is pissed and in bed a couple of hours later. But they don't judge or criticise him and just accept it (to me or DC or DH anyway not sure behind closed doors)

All posters, thanks for advice/opinions.

I'm painting a very dark picture of him. When he is good, things are grea. And I dare say I am no picnic to live with!

OP posts:
GasPanic · 02/02/2023 10:35

Well to me he's clearly got an alcohol issue.

And to be fair from what you've said, he knows he's got an alcohol issue.

How long has he been drinking like this ?

If it's only a couple of years he should be able to cut back by reducing the amount or the strength of cans he buys, saving both his health and his money.

If he's been at it for 10 years or more then he may well have to give it up totally.

Original poster
Doingdoingdont · 02/02/2023 10:41

GasPanic he has always had an unhealthy drinking pattern, and rarely stops at 1 drink, this has been since I've known him. But this extent of drinking has been since before lockdown I think it's hard to say as its been gradually getting more and more, he did always drink most days but not quite as much in each "session".

OP posts:
Abouttimemum · 02/02/2023 10:42

Botw1 · 02/02/2023 08:52

I think you've got much bigger issues than finances

His hypocrisy and alcoholism would be enough for me to end it.

This. All of our money goes into and out of the same bank account with no issues.

This is not a finance problem.

Goldpaw · 02/02/2023 10:43

I'm painting a very dark picture of him. When he is good, things are grea. And I dare say I am no picnic to live with!

Don't tell me, he's a great dad! 🙄

Please don't underplay this. Separating finances is a good idea for the reasons you say. He wants 50/50 because he's no doubt worked out he can spend more on booze that way and his spending will be unknown to you (in his warped mind, in reality it'll be obvious!).

Now is the time to start thinking about increasing hours, working out expenses for when you leave, etc.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 02/02/2023 10:46

Children (and childcare) makes things more complex.

The parent who doesn’t work full time is a)taking a pay cut and b) covering part of the other parent’s responsibility for childcare.

DH and I put everything into one pot and have separate accounts for ‘pocket money’. We agreed in advance what were joint expenses and what were personal expenses. I will never know how much he wastes on lottery tickets and he will never know how much I spend on hair and nails. That keeps us both from having heart attacks. We get the same amount fir pocket money despite DH earning many, many times more than me.

Incidentally, DH was the one who favoured a joint account even though it works more in my favour than his.

milawops · 02/02/2023 10:53

We have a joint account that pays household bills that we both pay 50/50 into. I pay the childcare as I'm the higher earner. Family allowance goes into my account for me to spend on whatever the kids need. Anything we buy for the kids above the family allowance money we take it in terms to buy, usually works out roughly the same amount.
However I would say you have much bigger problems with him than the division of paying the bills.

Can2022getanyworse · 02/02/2023 10:55

80 quid a week vs 10 quid vaping and he says you're trying to fleece him and the kids?!?

He has no intention of quitting the booze and is panicking that he won't have access to the family money for his drinking habit. £320 a month just for his alcohol addiction?

You've got bigger problems than a joint account...

Hohoholdthesherry · 02/02/2023 11:02

I agree with the others that he is not worried about spending, he is trying to screw you over to get more money for alcohol.

JudgeRudy · 02/02/2023 11:05

Doingdoingdont · 02/02/2023 08:39

So I don't think I'm not unreasonable, but prepared to be corrected. DH worries about money, and thinks I spend extravagantly. I dont. I don't buy expensive clothes for DCs or myself, don't buy perfume or treats for myself, only rarely get make-up but generally can make what I have last and get make-up for birthday and xmas gifts from my mum, I occasionally buy the odd thing Amazon (e.g. Last week bought hamabeads for DC who is recovering from illness).

Last night we had a takeaway, at DC request, first one since before xmas, cost £30. We have paid all direct debits this month, it's not pushed us over any spending limit. DH says has been up all night worried about the spending. For background he stopped drinking yesterday was his first day not buying cans. On most days he buys at least 4 cans of lager, usually 8. He said he's giving up drinking to save money. For context he has been promising to cut down for years but each day he comes home with more cans and plans to stop "tomorrow" .

I vape, so maybe £10 a week on vapes, which I know is a huge waste of money and trying to reduce this, I used to smoke so it was more expensive. This is a frequent cast up by him when I mention what he spends on cans.

So he has decided we should have separate finances and put a set amount into a joint for bills and direct debits etc. I am relieved rather than upset, as he seemed to think I would be. I feel he will finally have to take responsibility for his spending ( upwards of £80 on alcohol a week alone). I am hopeful that he will stay off alcohol, but experience has shown it is unlikely to last.

So I earn slightly less than him, but do less hours to allow for children and do majority of housework, I'm part time he is full time. I suggested we put money in to joint funds relative to what we earn, for example if i earn 15% less I putt 15% less into the direct debit account.

So this is my AIBU (at last, sorry it took so long to get to the point) DH is not happy with this suggestion. He thinks I'm just trying to "do him over" over money. I also want to keep child benefit separate to keep for the DCs needs alone, he says I'm trying to steal from DCs.

How do other mumsnetters who have a separate finances system work it out fairly?

It's 24hrs into him being alcohol free and the tension has begun. I'll guess youve been here before. I think whatever you suggest is going to be wrong. His alcohol dependency should be your number 1 issue, not how you work your finances.
Is he getting support for his withdrawal from experts? What's different this time other than possible additional financial strain with cost of living?
If you carry on doing what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got!
Make sure you're both getting support. If he's not prepared to make it happen then you have to change. That might mean calling an end to your marriage.
Good luck

JudgeRudy · 02/02/2023 11:07

Botw1 · 02/02/2023 08:52

I think you've got much bigger issues than finances

His hypocrisy and alcoholism would be enough for me to end it.

This! Wake up

Hankunamatata · 02/02/2023 11:08

Separate finances only really work fairly if both partners are left with the same amount of spending money.
So he does need to put a bigger percentage in the pot.
I think u need to think if ypu want to be with someone who's only hobby is drinking into a stupor every evening and day off

ArcticSkewer · 02/02/2023 11:10

For many reasons, I think you would be better off going back to work full time, working on your career, and you split everything like bills and childcare 50:50. Even if this is more expensive in the short term.

JudgeRudy · 02/02/2023 11:12

GasPanic · 02/02/2023 10:04

Spending £80 a week on cans is hard work.

At Aldi you can get 18 cans of Carlsberg for £11.99, or 120 cans.

That's 17 cans a day @ £80 a week.

Anyway, each can has 1.7 units and it's a fairly light beer at 3.8%, so that is 95 units a week if 8 cans a day or 202 units a week if 17 cans a day.

He probably won't be buying his weekly fix from Aldi though. That makes it too glaringly real. He'll buy some, but my bet is he pops out to the corner shop or petrol station and buys a steady stream of (expensive) 4 packs throughout the week. He might even alternate shops.

talknomore · 02/02/2023 11:17

So he worries about money having spent last year around 50x£80=£4000 on alcohol...

He should worry about his alcoholism instead.

Blossomtoes · 02/02/2023 11:20

maddy68 · 02/02/2023 09:04

We have separate accounts. We always have. We pay for different things out of those accounts. Eg. My DH pays the mortgage. I pay the electric etc etc

I do not want to have a joint account.

That’s how we do it too.

The financial issue is a red herring though. The real issue here, as I’m sure you realise @Doingdoingdont, is your bloke’s alcoholism. He’s drinking your family’s money and the wish for separate finances is so he can hide the amount he’s spending on booze. At some point in the future you’ll probably, like me, find he’s run up credit card debt to pay for drink. Quite honestly your financial set up is the least of your worries.

Getamoveon36 · 02/02/2023 11:22

Biggest problem here is an alcoholic partner. 4 cans a day at least , every day?

CleaningOutMyCloset · 02/02/2023 11:23

I think you are absolutely right with the split. If he's not happy tell him you'll up your hours to full time and you can split all the bills 50/50 including the additional childcare and cleaner that you'll need

FartSock5000 · 02/02/2023 11:31

He attitude is awful.

What about the unfair enrichment his pension pot is getting at your expense while you birthed and raised the kids so he could continue his full time career?

Woman spend on the family. Men don't. He won't ever look at the duvet and decide it is so old it needs replaced and pay for a new one. He won't buy the kids a new lunch box with the right version of Minecraft on it and he probably won't bother his backside buying all the little things that may birthdays, celebrations and things like Xmas special.

Will he be topping you up for all those extra things? Someone has to buy them.

You can't be giving 50% of your income over to the pot AND giving 100% of the childcare, household management and expenses while he does the bare minumum.

It is financially ignorant at least and abusive at most and he should f*ck right off.

Pardon44 · 02/02/2023 11:32

I think you should put all the money in one pot. Then pay all the bills and split the rest.

You are providing childcare and therefore get less income.

If you go back to work full-time will you earn similar amount as him? Lots of women take a hit and earn less as a consequence of maternity leave and providing childcare. He has got pay rises and put in to his pension in that time.

Legotiger · 02/02/2023 11:37

Bin off the alcoholic and you’ll be richer in so many ways!

KangarooKenny · 02/02/2023 11:42

Sounds to me like he has massive anxiety, and he is currently using finances of a way to get his anxiety out. If you solve the finances, his anxiety will move onto something else.

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