Separate finances AIBU

[Doingdoingdont]

So I don't think I'm not unreasonable, but prepared to be corrected. DH worries about money, and thinks I spend extravagantly. I dont. I don't buy expensive clothes for DCs or myself, don't buy perfume or treats for myself, only rarely get make-up but generally can make what I have last and get make-up for birthday and xmas gifts from my mum, I occasionally buy the odd thing Amazon (e.g. Last week bought hamabeads for DC who is recovering from illness).

Last night we had a takeaway, at DC request, first one since before xmas, cost £30. We have paid all direct debits this month, it's not pushed us over any spending limit. DH says has been up all night worried about the spending. For background he stopped drinking yesterday was his first day not buying cans. On most days he buys at least 4 cans of lager, usually 8. He said he's giving up drinking to save money. For context he has been promising to cut down for years but each day he comes home with more cans and plans to stop "tomorrow" .

I vape, so maybe £10 a week on vapes, which I know is a huge waste of money and trying to reduce this, I used to smoke so it was more expensive. This is a frequent cast up by him when I mention what he spends on cans.

So he has decided we should have separate finances and put a set amount into a joint for bills and direct debits etc. I am relieved rather than upset, as he seemed to think I would be. I feel he will finally have to take responsibility for his spending ( upwards of £80 on alcohol a week alone). I am hopeful that he will stay off alcohol, but experience has shown it is unlikely to last.

So I earn slightly less than him, but do less hours to allow for children and do majority of housework, I'm part time he is full time. I suggested we put money in to joint funds relative to what we earn, for example if i earn 15% less I putt 15% less into the direct debit account.

So this is my AIBU (at last, sorry it took so long to get to the point) DH is not happy with this suggestion. He thinks I'm just trying to "do him over" over money. I also want to keep child benefit separate to keep for the DCs needs alone, he says I'm trying to steal from DCs.

How do other mumsnetters who have a separate finances system work it out fairly?

This is your biggest issue
If you sorted the finances you'd still be living with an alcoholic

If he insists on going 50:50 on the bills, then he needs to also go 50:50 on the childcare and housework.

This. His only anxiety is where his next drink’s coming from. He’s probably spending £100+ a week on drink because there will be some hidden away you don’t know about.

The fairest way would be for all money to go into the joint account and this to be used for all household and DC costs, but I suspect you don't want to go down this route.

However, equal personal money is the fairest, because you also contribute with childcare and cooking, cleaning and laundry. But don't fall into the trap of spending your personal money on DC. That comes out of joint money, or CB.

Make it clear that you can carry on as you are as far was working PT goes or you go back full time and he does half of everything at home. You working FT and doing everything at home is not an option.

But his drinking is definitely a huge problem, your spending sounds like a drop in the ocean in comparison and obviously it's likely he's an alcoholic at that consumption level.

The issue here is that he's spending your family's spending money on alcohol. Why should your DC go without the things they need and the occasional treat so he can drink?

I agree. But I also think that being in command of the true facts and figures would really help you clarify the situation.
If you have online banking.. its an easy task to download a spread sheet and work out exactly what you've both been spending over the last year say, Its a bit tedious, but worth it.
it would show exactly what money is being spent on. It will be easy to see the Cornershop beer spend - because he may be spending more than £80.
and also what he is spending his money on. Then when he has a financial argument, you are able to calmly illustrate what is spent where.
Keep the joint but set up your own account too. I also think you should pay for an experion credit report - to check if there are credit card debts you are not aware of.
Maybe speak to Al Anon (for families) to ask for advice on this. I think it will be very difficult to give up this long engrained habit just like that. When he raises it again, as he does seem to want to cut back, you will be in a better position to point him towards help. Sorry OP

Your suggested way is incredibly in his favour! I have no idea why he would be unhappy with that?!? Surely he's not suggesting half when you do the housework/childcare?!? That would be batshit.

The fairest way actually, when you're both contributing in different ways, is to have equal disposable income at the end. The way you've suggested it leaves you with less. That's not fair,

It is reasonable to split the living expenses in half. It is reasonable to expect an adult to be able to contribute equally to the life style which they expect to maintain. INE partner should not be penalized because they work harder, prepared better, for a career or an upwardly mobile job situation. The other partner b not necessarily be advantaged because they did not or are choosing to work part-time.

If you contribute equally to living expenses , then you are free to use your discretionary income as you wish.

This assumes a 50/50 split of childcare and household chores. Otherwise, one partner is benefiting from the other partner's unpaid labour.

I refuse to believe this stingy alcoholic who thinks you are trying to cheat him despite you doing most of the housework and parenting could be a great guy on good days. What are good days? 15 minutes of catch up before he goes to work, comes home and pulls out the beer? Or until lunch time on days off as he starts drinking at 1pm then and your whoIe family know that. I get more quality time with random colleagues.

If it were a good relationship your suggestion would be perfect. That way he has to own his alcohol spending, child benefit is for the dc and you get some control. As it is, you do it that way anyway and move towards separating.

It's actually quite hard to drink that amount of lager. I know because I've lived with someone who did it.

Which is why most people who are alcoholics move on to spirits at some point.

8 cans a day, say 1/2 hour per can, that's 4 hours of drinking per day.

So you'd either be in the chair for 4 hours after getting in from work from 6 til 10 then going to sleep or moving round the house doing stuff with a can in your hand.

He can pay you for his share of childcare and housework that you cover, or he can pay more proportionally. But he cannot have both subsidised house/child work and equal shared bills.

Your proposal makes sense. Unless you both put the same in and then you invoice him and take money out for childcare and cleaning.

He's probably feeling anxious because he's in alcohol withdrawal btw

We do the pocket money system. But as long as you are left with the same amount, separate finances sounds like a move towards separation, a good thing imo

Um...they have children who one party takes care of?!? Did you miss that?

Do you always make excuses for him op?
Sounds like he's done a real number on you if you can't see this for what it is.

To all saying its more than money -, it is. But for some reason I can't find the strength to end the marriage. When things are good, and there are normal/good times most days along with the bad, it seems petty to end it.

We (I) worked it all out re percentages of contributing to the pot 44% to 56%. He seemed pleased. Dinner went fine. He bought 2 large bottles of beer and seemed happy.
Then he went up to the toilet, and never came back down. He does this often just goes to bed or out to the shop or visiting a neighbour without saying anything. Just one minute watching TV the next he is away. He says he doesn't like the show I am watching so went to bed and is adult and doesn't have to ask permission. I don't want permission, but is it weird to want the courtesy of a good night or explanation ? Or am I being controlling? Am I the weird one?

What would you say to a friend if she wrote this?

Grenoside i honestly don't know, I can't see the wood for the trees here.
One thing I do know is that we can be affectionate but I don't know if I feel it. I see people oe in love and think, we don't have that. But to outsiders we will look tight.