To date a guy who earns significantly less than me

[stickypeak]

Just started dating a man and it turns out I earn 10 times what he earns.

Now, I should start by saying that in theory, this doesn't bother me AT ALL. I come from very working class stock. We grew up on a council estate. Both my brothers are still living there with their families. I was just lucky to be studious and got on a good path.

I've been divorced for a decade and all the men I've dated have earned less than me and it's never really been an issue.

However, this is the first time the gap has been this big.

Now, he still insists on paying for everything when we go out, which is so sweet. He's quite old fashioned and actually more generous in this sense than anyone I've ever dated.

With the exception of the salary, we have tons in common. We both have 3 kids around the same ages, both have similar long term dreams and interests and just get on brilliantly.

A couple of my friends have insisted it could never work though. The concern is how it could work logistically in the long term. I have a really nice lifestyle (all self-funded) and although I'm not into designer brands or fancy restaurants, do like to travel to nice places, or to be able to enjoy some of the things a higher salary allows, like being able to jump in a taxi home rather than taking public transport, that kind of thing.

I do think it's lovely that he insists on paying because he's old fashioned, but then I just feel guilty because whatever he's paying for (usually just drinks in the pub) is going to put much more of a financial strain on him than on me.

So unsure what to do. I couldn't care less how much a man earns. He's a hard worker and s great person and a great dad.

I do see that logistical issues may surface in future though and I'm not sure what to do about that.

Does he know much you earn @stickypeak ?

if so how did that conversation go?

If he's on approx £10k and you're on approx £100k, there must be more to his story. I am sure he wouldn't be able to afford much at all otherwise. You don't know if he's got a few million quid sat in the bank and doesn't actually need to work at all. I'd be honest with him, and tell him your concern of lifestyle differences....but things like jumping a taxi home, well if you're already getting one he can jump in yours. I fully get what you mean about this situation, but it would be a shame to lose something good because of it. Especially as he could be worth 10 times what you're worth but just hasn't discussed it....

I think it's more about attitude/outlook. I have a low salary but good assets so, all being well, will have a comfortable retirement in 2-5 years. I was with a guy earning 10% less but with not much of a pension, and 8 years older. It was his meanness and lack of positive adventurous outlook which did us in, not the actual wealth divide. He made it a problem. If you're happy with the way things are and he's a really good guy, should be fine! 🙏😂

If you like the bloke and he’s not a scrounge I don’t see the problem. Obviously when it did come to moving in or holidays etc does it really matter if the relationship works in the long term? Money is just that at the end of the day, would you rather date someone who turned out to be an absolute arse down the line but made similar to you? As you said the money difference doesn’t matter to you so bugger what your friends think.

I’d keep on dating him - he has his own house so you both can maintain some I dependence. I’d keep things separate- you pay for your house and your kids, he does the same. You may want to go on holiday with just him, and can pay for it. It would be another matter to take on paying for his kids too - that would have an impact on yours. So I wouldn’t rush to blend families - and in a few years the kids are out of the house anyway

You took that quote majorly out of context

"On your side, you need to accept that you will end up subsiding him. You can't realistically have a future that involves you massively compromising on life style / ordering steak when he has pasta.".

I'd say exactly the same if the sexes were reversed. This relationship has no future unless the OP accepts that she will end up subsidising him, and he is happy to accept that.

So I earn about 5 x more than my husband when we met...
We have been together 5 years, married married nearly 4 and I pop in 2/3 to household bills. He had a brain injury and doesn't work anymore and is a stay at home husband/dad and I go to work.... it works well and doesn't bother either of us (my family are from council estate and both me and my sister and my mum earn more than our husbands and we are higher rate tax payers)....

I’d be more bothered by his determination to pay. My boyfriend earns a 1/4 what I do. New relationship of 2 months so we are just starting to navigate this issue. Long term he has better earning prospects (4 years or so so pretty long term!).

I wouldn’t marry him (or anyone).

So earnings not a total no no at all but it is something you need to work through so no one ends up totally broke and you get to do stuff together.

I'm going to try to pull the facts out here.

He had a higher paying job but got injured and is starting over.

So he had the potential previously to earn more. He has the grit to start again. He is nice. He has a home which is nice.

I'm not sure what the issue is. I started over in 2003. I earnt £8k for a cpl of years. I'm on £100ish now.

When I met DH he earnt significantly less than me but he had prospects despite being totally skint. We compromised he had more luxuries, I had to trim my excesses. By the time I went back to work in 2003 he was earning more than 20 times my 8k. Thankfully he didn't leave me.

It seems to me the only thing getting in the way here is not talking about it. Tread carefully since it may be a sore subject given how old fashioned you say he is, but it’s time to have the conversation. Marriage won’t suddenly make money conversations easier, so practice the skill now, especially at it seems it needs addressing before your relationship can progress further.

Get past that and it sounds like a wonderfully mature relationship.

I wouldn't, it means you can't do the things you want unless you want to pay for it (if you are ok with that then no issue)

I would continue. If you like him enough and it becomes serious then you will inevitably end up paying more to make sure he can participate in your lifestyle. Generally speaking people are happy to do that for people they love. When my DH earnt less than me I used to pay for holidays for example and would cover meals out and taxis etc. he now earns a lot more than me so he covers more. It's just the way things go.

I wouldn't do it ever again for the reasons PPs have mentioned. It gets wearing.

I would actually dump you if I was that man...

He has his own home, a job, looks after his kids and he is decent and generous.

Yet there you are suggesting that there is an issue about you earning more and you are listening to your friends rather than making your own decisions...

He deserves better.

If money is your number one motivation then only date wealthy men.

But I think you will actually find that many of these wealthy men have their pick of women and will not choose their partner based on how much the woman earns...

Date, sure. Combine lives and finances? No.

I would be extremely wary about financial disparity to this degree, especially with children involved.

Exactly. Dreadful Post
Hope he wins the lottery and finishes it.

If he's embarrassed by you paying for anything then odds are that he will also have issues around you earning more than him.

This.

Insisting on paying? Being embarrassed when you try to pay half? "Old-fashioned"? All these things would really put me off him. He has issues around money and an outdated attitude to dating IMO. I'd find it the opposite of "so sweet".

Happily splitting bills or taking turns to pay is so attractive as it means things are equal from the outset.

So yes I think money will be an issue further down the line.

Women earn less all the time!?

is this a boast post?

Be careful he dosent read it and leave you.

So I’m curious whether the response of many people would be different if the genders were reversed.
Should a man earning ten times more, dump the woman because she earns comparatively less.
be interesting to see if anyone responds

Low six figures?! How can you live with this pauper!

Just a heads up - this story has been posted in the Daily Mail today. 🙄🙄🙄

He had a higher paid job (albeit not HIGH paid) that he had to quit because of an injury, so he's starting from scratch now in a new industry.

So he did earn a higher wage but has had to restart a career. I would not knock him for that. He has proven he is willing to provide for himself and his kids (not abandoned them) and is making the most of what he can earn. Some jobs just don't pay very highly, not everyone wants to be a manager.

If you reversed the roles would there be an issue?

Yes, there will be a few issues to work through but unless you see signs of him taking advantage (does not sound like it) keep the relationship going. Plenty of tales on this site of high earning men who resent paying for anything.

This thread has 124 posts.

An article about the thread in the Daily Mail has 1,100 comments!!

@OP - you've touched a nerve!