To date a guy who earns significantly less than me

[stickypeak]

Just started dating a man and it turns out I earn 10 times what he earns.

Now, I should start by saying that in theory, this doesn't bother me AT ALL. I come from very working class stock. We grew up on a council estate. Both my brothers are still living there with their families. I was just lucky to be studious and got on a good path.

I've been divorced for a decade and all the men I've dated have earned less than me and it's never really been an issue.

However, this is the first time the gap has been this big.

Now, he still insists on paying for everything when we go out, which is so sweet. He's quite old fashioned and actually more generous in this sense than anyone I've ever dated.

With the exception of the salary, we have tons in common. We both have 3 kids around the same ages, both have similar long term dreams and interests and just get on brilliantly.

A couple of my friends have insisted it could never work though. The concern is how it could work logistically in the long term. I have a really nice lifestyle (all self-funded) and although I'm not into designer brands or fancy restaurants, do like to travel to nice places, or to be able to enjoy some of the things a higher salary allows, like being able to jump in a taxi home rather than taking public transport, that kind of thing.

I do think it's lovely that he insists on paying because he's old fashioned, but then I just feel guilty because whatever he's paying for (usually just drinks in the pub) is going to put much more of a financial strain on him than on me.

So unsure what to do. I couldn't care less how much a man earns. He's a hard worker and s great person and a great dad.

I do see that logistical issues may surface in future though and I'm not sure what to do about that.

He sounds great. Ignore your friends.

As time goes on maybe you'll both feel more relaxed about you (sg) paying for things you (pl) do together, such as holidays. Or maybe you won't and you'll continue to have your holidays and he'll do his own thing- you don't have to spend every minute together. Either would be fine. Ditto taxis, you'll find a way of managing it that suits you both. Definitely not a reason to end what sounds like a lovely relationship.

It's not important really at all. If you like each other, get on and have same interests and values etc, it's no big deal. It may cause some issues down the line but I'm sure you could sort it out.

My dh has just retrained and he used to earn less than half what I did but now he will be on about the same once he's got a couple of year's experience.

So maybe if it was an issue in a few years time still, you could help support him to enable him to retrain and gain better paid employment.

@stickypeak don't do it

I earn significantly less than my partner and whilst it has never been an issue when the kids were young , it is becoming more of an issue now

He lords it over me

It’s potentially all totally fine, OP, but it all depends on you two. Definitely disagree with your friends - but bear it in mind as you carry on. My DH and I have an imbalance in earnings but we just have it all in one pot and what’s mine is his and vice versa. We are v collaborative and we have kids and no prev kids from other relationships so it’s easier.

I think you’d have to do a certain amount of merging of finances or him agreeing for you to fund him if you want to carry on doing more expensive things like you mentioned earlier - holidays, not worrying about grabbing a taxi or food prices etc.

But you’d need to be separate in some ways because you each have children (I think? Apologies if not!) and it would be wise to maintain some independence of savings etc.

Id proceed with caution but you’ll likely need to discuss finances with him at some point. Maybe a test short holiday?

Why is he paying for everything?

He may be earning little but may be wealthy by other means?

Read my other posts. I'm not.

But short of tackling him to the ground, it's sometimes hard to stop him.

He'd be embarrassed if I just snuck off and paid the bill (believe me, I've tried!).

It's a really fine balance between not letting him do what feels comfortable (being old fashioned and paying) and not wanting him to spend money that I can more easily afford to spend.

Your friends sound soooo judgmental. If he's a good, kind and honest man who cherishes you and makes you feel wonderful and who you wake up looking forward to seeing, then stuff them. I think your friends sound jealous. When you're sat with him enjoying his company who cares what he earns. We never say this about a man.... dump him if he earns more. Jeez. Finding someone who genuinely makes you happy is a gift that no money can buy.

I earn 3x my husband's salary and it has never been an issue between us either way. Everything we have is ours and most importantly for our DC. He works hard, is ambitious but works in a lower paying industry and as long as we have enough as a family I don't care at all. We met as students and are a match intellectually, emotionally and physically - money is just there to facilitate things, doesn't matter who's bringing it in.

If he's embarrassed by you paying for anything then odds are that he will also have issues around you earning more than him.

I wouldn't say it could never work but the alarm bell for me is his instance on paying i.e. likes to be the "traditional man" with old fashioned values. Which suggests he will sooner or later be bothered by your high earning compared to his.

Also you note yourself that you like the ease of a high earning lifestyle (taxis, travel etc) and good for you. But he isn't going to be able to keep up so either you'll end up with a downgraded lifestyle when you're togetger or he'll have accept you subsidising him, such he won't like if he's "traditional".

He sounds nice so date, shag, have fun. Live with or marry, nope.

I started as a Graduate Trainee in Accounting 20 years ago. As you go up the ranks and get qualified, and get more experienced, you get paid more. I now earn 10 times the salary I started on back then.

It might sound unbelievable to some people, but it's true.

I wouldn't marry him, but I'd certainly not opt out of a relationship because of it.

Does he earn what he needs to support himself and his kids? Does he work full time? Does he like what he does as a job?

The fact that he has a nice home and therefore assets helps a bit because it shows a level of maturity and financial savviness that you'd want in a partner. I don't see why you don't continue and see how things go, it may work, it may not but given your ages, it's a smaller dating pool and would you want to throw a chance of happiness away over what your friends say? Because to me, that's ridiculous.

This forum is riddled with the opposite situation and noone bats and eyelid, in a world of equality you earning more shouldn't affect things anymore than the man being the higher earner.

My DH earns 2.5 times more than me and pays significantly more than me in various aspects of our lives and we r fine. Likely similar in several other relationships up and down the country the man earning more and covering more. Y is it different in your case?

Surely it's about having the conversations and deciding if it is a committed enough relationship to consider supporting each other/him financially obviously with your eyes open and protecting your children in the future. May be difficult to navigate but surely not a definitive deal breaker.

It's easy, you talk, and talk and talk. If you're together long term it's even easier because you pay percentages. If his pay is 5th of yours you'll pay 5x more into joint account and so on. Everything is paid from there. Allowance for personal spending is absolutely essential too.

If it was the other way round or you were a stay at home mum no one would bat an eyelid at the disparity.

Why should he be penalised for earning less? Loads of the most important jobs are low paid, he's not worth less is he?

I'm a bit worried that you'd even ask this question? Are you very greedy or materialistic?

If you are happy what is the problem?if a man had typed this message there would be uproar!!
yes you should protect yourself financially,but dumping someone because you earn a lot more?
perhaps you should,let him find someone who loves him for who he is,not how much money he has.

It’s something you have to discuss with him. I feel the same as pp- it’ll become a bug bear over time.
You’ll have a downgraded lifestyle, I think as a traditional guy he will get embarrassed, will turn to resentment.

As long as he’s ok with it and means it then go ahead and enjoy.

For me it's all about drive and ambition, if he was at the top of his game in an industry that didn't pay well I'd still respect him enormously. If he's coasting and could do better, it would put me off him.

He had a higher paid job (albeit not HIGH paid) that he had to quit because of an injury, so he's starting from scratch now in a new industry

I'd say this is fair enough; after all it's not as if he's picked some low paid job because he can't be bothered trying for something better, and all credit to him for starting out anew after such a setback

I get what your friends mean about the potential for future problems though ... is this new job the sort of thing where he could progress so the difference wouldn't be quite so great?

I earn 5 times my husbands salary. We have been married 4 years and both have kids from our previous marriage. It took some adjustment but not much - it’s never been a massive deal though. First thing is that he is super proud of my achievements, no toxic masculinity, no wounded pride. Bills and stuff we pay proportionate to our respective incomes into a household fund but I cover most of the ‘fun stuff’. Not because he is a cock lodger or entitled, because I want to do things and I am delighted to be able to pay for them. That was the thing that took a wee bit of time, he didn’t want to take out more than he puts in but our lifestyle is commensurate with our household income not just his and I think that’s just fine. He works bloody hard in his lower paid job, probably harder than I do! We are a team.

How sad that he is judged on the size of his pay packet rather than if he is good....kind...honest....trustworthy etc.

I don't think it's so much the difference in income that's the fundamental problem. It's more a difference in attitudes and expectations.

You expect a certain lifestyle, in terms of holidays, taking taxis, eating in expensive restaurants, etc. It's not automatic that someone on a high salary prioritises these things. I'm quite well off, but I'll happily wait for a train, shop mostly in thrift stores, and prefer mid-range restaurants and holidays because posh ones make me feel uncomfortable.

Secondly, his traditional mindset. I could see this becoming problematic if you end up living together - in terms of sharing housework, working overtime, business trips, and other activities that might not be an issue if you were a more traditional wife/partner.

How did he react when he found out how much you earn? That probably told you plenty. Other than that I would just take it slowly and see how it plays out. If it becomes an issue over the coming months/years then so be it. If it doesn’t, great. Just see what happens rather than try to second guess it.

DH earns 20 times my income. We pool money and buy what we want. It's not a competition. Why should your situation be any different?