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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To date a guy who earns significantly less than me

124 replies

stickypeak · 02/02/2023 02:01

Just started dating a man and it turns out I earn 10 times what he earns.

Now, I should start by saying that in theory, this doesn't bother me AT ALL. I come from very working class stock. We grew up on a council estate. Both my brothers are still living there with their families. I was just lucky to be studious and got on a good path.

I've been divorced for a decade and all the men I've dated have earned less than me and it's never really been an issue.

However, this is the first time the gap has been this big.

Now, he still insists on paying for everything when we go out, which is so sweet. He's quite old fashioned and actually more generous in this sense than anyone I've ever dated.

With the exception of the salary, we have tons in common. We both have 3 kids around the same ages, both have similar long term dreams and interests and just get on brilliantly.

A couple of my friends have insisted it could never work though. The concern is how it could work logistically in the long term. I have a really nice lifestyle (all self-funded) and although I'm not into designer brands or fancy restaurants, do like to travel to nice places, or to be able to enjoy some of the things a higher salary allows, like being able to jump in a taxi home rather than taking public transport, that kind of thing.

I do think it's lovely that he insists on paying because he's old fashioned, but then I just feel guilty because whatever he's paying for (usually just drinks in the pub) is going to put much more of a financial strain on him than on me.

So unsure what to do. I couldn't care less how much a man earns. He's a hard worker and s great person and a great dad.

I do see that logistical issues may surface in future though and I'm not sure what to do about that.

OP posts:
Original poster
stickypeak · 02/02/2023 09:46

SavoirFlair · 02/02/2023 05:10

You can't realistically have a future that involves you massively compromising on life style / ordering steak when he has pasta.

Imagine this re-written by men to other men about a woman who earns significantly less..

Honestly the twisted logic on this site is fascinating.

Who can OP actually date?

Does it have to be someone with a salary above £20k? £30k? When can someone be financially acceptable to the £100k person?

This guy happily volunteers to pay. It’s not damaging his world - it sounds like he has his own house, he pays for his DCs, he feels comfortable enough to do this.

I feel sorry for the chap a bit because from the limited information in the OP, I can’t see exactly what he’s doing that is so wrong. He just should have had this fiscal slide rule run over him a lot earlier , because the poor chap (no pun intended) seems to be quite sweet.

He hasn't done anything wrong. On the contrary I think he's wonderful.

My friends, on the other hand, were trying to plant seeds of doubt.

That's why I came to mumsnet.

I'm so heartened by the lovely responses here! I wasn't expecting so much positivity!

OP posts:
Original poster
stickypeak · 02/02/2023 09:48

TootHole · 02/02/2023 08:17

I couldn't care less how much a man earns
Clearly you do, because you've made a thread about it. Not enough to insist on paying half or taking your turn when buying your drinks at the pub though.

What is it exactly you're bothered about? That he can't match your expensive tastes/trips? That you might have to help or pay for him to do the things you want if he can't afford them?

I have literally forced him to let me pay many many times, as much as I can without embarrassing him. It's a fine line.

I would happily pay for everything every time if he'd let me. It doesn't bother me in the least.

OP posts:
Original poster
stickypeak · 02/02/2023 09:51

Petronus · 02/02/2023 09:16

This is probably skewed by the fact I’m not a high earner, but this sounds completely bonkers to me. There are literally no red flags about this man, I can’t work out what the issue is. He is solvent, a homeowner, pays his way (and yours), has a great relationship with his kids and has loads in common with you and is respectful. Any problems are currently fictitious.

This is a lovely response. Thank you.

OP posts:
ladygindiva · 02/02/2023 09:52

MissWings · 02/02/2023 09:07

@ladygindiva

Who said he earned minimum wage? Personally I hope the OP finishes it soon with this bloke so he can actually find someone who will like him for who he is and not his pay packet. Probably a reason why the OPs other relationship didn’t work out. It’s great that women earn high salaries now (I do). But I thank my lucky stars I was able to remain humble with it (I too am from a very WC council estate background), but I’ve essentially changed who I am at the core.

She said the difference in income is in the ballpark of 10k Vs 100k, insinuating he earns around the 10k mark.

MrNook · 02/02/2023 09:53

Kind, to not maximise his earning potential to even minimum wage standard so he can pay child support to the kids that don't live with him??? He sounds like a jerk to me, sorry

@ladygindiva OP said he had to leave his higher paid job due to an injury and is starting over in a new industry, that doesn't sound like it makes him a jerk

SamanthaCaine · 02/02/2023 09:53

SavoirFlair · 02/02/2023 05:10

You can't realistically have a future that involves you massively compromising on life style / ordering steak when he has pasta.

Imagine this re-written by men to other men about a woman who earns significantly less..

Honestly the twisted logic on this site is fascinating.

Who can OP actually date?

Does it have to be someone with a salary above £20k? £30k? When can someone be financially acceptable to the £100k person?

This guy happily volunteers to pay. It’s not damaging his world - it sounds like he has his own house, he pays for his DCs, he feels comfortable enough to do this.

I feel sorry for the chap a bit because from the limited information in the OP, I can’t see exactly what he’s doing that is so wrong. He just should have had this fiscal slide rule run over him a lot earlier , because the poor chap (no pun intended) seems to be quite sweet.

This.

Irrespective of how finances have been skewed in favour of men, they've happily (for the most part) disregarded salary differences and just got on with it. Men have many faults but many I know share their money without question and married women with low salaries (relatively).

With the rise in female earnings I find it absolutely fascinating how attitudes of women are evolving and actually wonder how relationships are going to work, when so many women add financial status to dating criteria.

I find it quite sad to be honest.

OutFortheBirds · 02/02/2023 10:04

OP, every single relationship has some imbalance. If it’s not money, it will be sex, love, kid responsibility, housework or something else. If you can make this work, and you’re both happy, just enjoy yourself.

OutFortheBirds · 02/02/2023 10:09

Also, sorry for the derail OP, but I have to ask:
all you six figure salary ladies, your situation makes me question what I’m doing with my life!!!
I’m so hard working, my current job takes up my life, I’m educated/qualified to the gills and am still on a mid-5 figure.
I’d like loads of money please? what is your industry? Any tips?? 😂

Sparkletastic · 02/02/2023 10:11

You need to combat the 'old fashioned' insistence on paying for everything in case it is actually chauvinism or a fragile ego at work. Tell him you want to pay for dates and see how he takes it. He can be generous in other non-financial ways.

OrangePurple · 02/02/2023 10:43

IslandLife88 · 02/02/2023 02:17

So my DH earns less than me. A lot less, low 6 figures. It caused a bit of friction at times (on both our parts) but overall it's worked great. However, he is VERY ambitious and has done really well in his career. I respect his choice and his career and we are similar minded. However, we also got together in our late 20s and there are no children involved. It IS complicated. So beware. I think the ambition is more important than anything. Incomes do vary throughout your life but having similar values and respect for each other counts for a lot more than money.

You are saying your othe half earns 100,000 or more. You are being ridiculous. The op clearly is not in this bracket. You are humble bragging love

ladygindiva · 02/02/2023 10:47

Maybe my opinion is skewed by a lifetime of relationships with low earning, low ambition men who seemed lovely to begin with but end up thoroughly taking the piss and wringing me dry financially. Maybe he is lovely. But just be careful op.

nca89 · 02/02/2023 10:57

How old are the kids and what level of custody does he have? (Are they still dependents?) I'd be concerned as to why he's providing so little for his kids, but obviously this isn't an issue if they're adults.

Conkersinautumn · 02/02/2023 11:00

Go 50/ 50. Why would you let him pay? They do say those either money are quite tight.

traintraveller · 02/02/2023 11:04

I feel sorry for this guy. He had to give up a higher earning job due to ill health and is just starting out in a new industry which explains the low salary although we don't know how low. You said in your first post he is paying for all your dates, even though you earn 10x his salary and you are worried about him taking advantage or having to subsidise him! I think your pals are shit stirring but if you are having these concerns you should end it and let him find someone else.

LemonSwan · 02/02/2023 11:04

It’s not really about you tbh. It’s about him.

I have friends with large salary differences and it works.

I also have one friend who’s partner is abusive and I do think this is because he feels lesser so wants to bring her down to his level. He would destroy her career if he could. Friend sadly has blinkers on.

AtomicRitual · 02/02/2023 11:28

I foresee the only issue being with his pride OP. He obviously sees himself as a "gentleman", offering to pay for everything, so it is this that will be the hurdle.

You'll have to have a frank conversation with him and just say that it's really lovely that he's being so generous, but he's already won you over, so he doesn't need to carry on. Tell him that you'd much rather go halves on things and would, in fact, like to be able to treat him on occassion.

He no doubt knows you're much better off financially and he may just be spending money because he doesn't want you to think he's only after you for your money!

Talk to him. If the relationship is meant to be, it will find a way.

I went out with a guy for a while who earned significantly less than me. It didn't work out because he just couldn't cope with the fact that I was on such a different career trajectory than him and that he'd never "keep up". He was also an immature idiot that I'd already been considering breaking up with, so it wasn't going anywhere anyway!

MissWings · 02/02/2023 11:34

@AtomicRitual

He just sounds immature. My husband knows I will always out earn him. He’s very proud of me and he’s always been my biggest cheerleader. I guess it does take a strong man with high self esteem to accept he is the weaker link financially. Many men try and destroy that.

gannett · 02/02/2023 11:46

I don't think there's a blanket rule about what "works" when dating someone who earns much more or less than you. It depends on the context, because there are so many reasons someone could earn less - if they're in a low-paying industry (which can still be highly-skilled), whether they're retraining like the OP's partner (which could indicate career progression down the road). Or sometimes if they're not ambitious and not money-motivated. So it also depends what you're looking for in a partner.

The important thing is communication about the things that might worry you. There have been a lot of valid but hypothetical issues brought up in this thread but ultimately all posters are doing is speculating and in some cases projecting. Ultimately for the relationship to work you need to feel able to have a serious discussion about finances with your partner, where you air out potential worries (and are hopefully reassured).

DanseAvecLesLoup · 02/02/2023 11:56

OutFortheBirds · 02/02/2023 10:09

Also, sorry for the derail OP, but I have to ask:
all you six figure salary ladies, your situation makes me question what I’m doing with my life!!!
I’m so hard working, my current job takes up my life, I’m educated/qualified to the gills and am still on a mid-5 figure.
I’d like loads of money please? what is your industry? Any tips?? 😂

This is Mumsnetland, everyone is either married to a 'high achieving' DH on six figures or they earn that themselves. Poor people just need to 'change jobs' get spectacular pay rises.

It's as cliched as 'niche hobbies' on here which makes me think of flaming axe throwing or gerbil juggling but ends up being something very mundane like cycling or golf.

Bamboozle123 · 02/02/2023 12:02

Hmm I do think there could be a compatibility issue here as the relationship goes on.

I also couldn't let someone pay my way, even more so if they earned much less so I'd stop that right away OP.

I think the best way is to have an open conversation about lifestyles, ambitions and so on. Then see if you are still matched.

MissWings · 02/02/2023 12:10

Also…. I would hazard a guess that most of the men your age with salaries totalling six figures would, if they entered the dating pool, pick someone 10 years younger than yourself.

winelove · 02/02/2023 12:39

I think it can work but there are a few things to think about

  1. Protect yourself financially, so don't marry and keep finances separate ( I know early days but still protect yourself)
  2. Be prepared to pay more of the share of going out (sounds like you are)
  3. Be prepared to do things separately because he want always have the money.
IslandLife88 · 02/02/2023 12:39

@OrangePurple I wrote that wrong, I make low 6 figures in the private sector, he makes a lot lot less working for the government

Deathbyfluffy · 02/02/2023 12:42

Cosycover · 02/02/2023 07:20

If this was a man posting the replies would be so different.

Money is just money. If you like him for him that's what matters here surely?

Unfortunately that's pretty standard around here - men and women are held to different standards (despite there being quite a strong feminism side to this place).

To the OP, your friends are idiots because they're not considering the bigger picture - if he owns his house outright, he doesn't need a big income to be just as well off as someone with a mortgage on a lot more money.

I'd date him and see where it went; if he's new to his industry he could well earn a lot more in future anyway.

Activelyannoyed · 02/02/2023 12:46

Why are you letting him pay for everything. That’s awful.

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