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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To date a guy who earns significantly less than me

124 replies

stickypeak · 02/02/2023 02:01

Just started dating a man and it turns out I earn 10 times what he earns.

Now, I should start by saying that in theory, this doesn't bother me AT ALL. I come from very working class stock. We grew up on a council estate. Both my brothers are still living there with their families. I was just lucky to be studious and got on a good path.

I've been divorced for a decade and all the men I've dated have earned less than me and it's never really been an issue.

However, this is the first time the gap has been this big.

Now, he still insists on paying for everything when we go out, which is so sweet. He's quite old fashioned and actually more generous in this sense than anyone I've ever dated.

With the exception of the salary, we have tons in common. We both have 3 kids around the same ages, both have similar long term dreams and interests and just get on brilliantly.

A couple of my friends have insisted it could never work though. The concern is how it could work logistically in the long term. I have a really nice lifestyle (all self-funded) and although I'm not into designer brands or fancy restaurants, do like to travel to nice places, or to be able to enjoy some of the things a higher salary allows, like being able to jump in a taxi home rather than taking public transport, that kind of thing.

I do think it's lovely that he insists on paying because he's old fashioned, but then I just feel guilty because whatever he's paying for (usually just drinks in the pub) is going to put much more of a financial strain on him than on me.

So unsure what to do. I couldn't care less how much a man earns. He's a hard worker and s great person and a great dad.

I do see that logistical issues may surface in future though and I'm not sure what to do about that.

OP posts:
Mummadeze · 02/02/2023 07:22

I would go out with him so long that he would accept me treating him to things and wasn’t proud about it. But having said that, as the higher earner in my long term relationship there are times I have felt resentful.

Starseeking · 02/02/2023 07:23

I agree with you 100% @SavoirFlair.

The reality for me is that I'm fishing in an incredibly tiny pool, coupled with that I also come from a background where it's extremely unusual to be in my sort of professional position, so I accept that I may never have another long-term partner...but a girl can dream lol

Given my work environment, that would be where I'd be most likely to meet someone, however most of the men are married with wives who are SAHM, and I'm a single mum with a Nanny Housekeeper!

nca89 · 02/02/2023 07:34

It wouldn't be the money that's the issue for me, but aspiration. I doubt I would have much in common with someone earning a very small amount, maybe part time, with no drive in their career (assuming that to be the case) Not that there is anything wrong in that, I just don't think we'd work as a couple. I earn quite a chunk more than my DH but he has a good job, he's proud of, has an impact, is important, it's just not as well paid as my career. The disparity in pay causes no issues.

KalvinPhillipsBoots · 02/02/2023 07:38

Money is the root of all evil, if you like him and he has treat you well, that's all that should matter.

DanseAvecLesLoup · 02/02/2023 07:38

Personally , no. Been there and done that.

I ended up paying for most things as I did not really want to compromise on my standard of living (eating out, holidays, theatre etc) and it did eventually get a bit irritating. They worked for a charity with very little in the way of improved future earnings. I thought I could see past it but when I looked at long term planning (buying a home, pension, savings etc) I did not want to be responsible for all of it and this is going to sound harsh I did not want to be stung financially later down the line (marriage) if things did not work out.

clairelouwho · 02/02/2023 07:54

Is this real?

I’m just going to give it to you straight here because I think a lot of other posters are feeding you dreams and not realities.

You’re divorced. You have children. You’re likely older.

For men earning on your level or above, they have options. A lot more options. This is just a cold reality. Men aren’t typically drawn to a woman’s money especially if they’re high earners themselves.

So if you want parity and to get a partner in your earning bracket, what draws do you have that would win them over a younger, never married and no kids, woman?

Thats the reality. High income men don’t prioritise high income women. They have different priorities.

that’s not me saying that you should stay with this guy. I feel quite sorry for the guy to be honest. He sounds sweet. If you’re questioning this then stop seeing him. Just be mindful that you may not have as many options to date on your earning level as you’d like.

SunshineAndFizz · 02/02/2023 08:04

It'll only work if you're happy to subsidise him and he's happy to accept.

If you're both happy with that, then great, go for it, he sounds nice. Otherwise, no, it'll cause fundamental issues.

A few pp have said how would people react if it was a man who was the higher earner...again if it works for both parties then fine. Often in this scenario the woman looks after the kids/home and that suits all concerned.

hungerganes · 02/02/2023 08:11

If he is an ambitious grafter that will end up earning at least half what you make then yes I would see a future.
I think if he earns say 30k then I would expect he could afford taxis and such but if we're talking he earns less than 20k and that's where it will always be then that's just too poor for your lifestyle. I wouldn't combine finances with such disparity. Keep your money for yourself and your children.

Thepeopleversuswork · 02/02/2023 08:13

I earn roughly 3x what my partner earns so I have had similar deliberations.

Day to day it's not an issue at all: as long as I have disposable cash enough to spend on people without eating into my financial security I literally couldn't care less who's paying. I pick up more than he does of stuff like eating out etc but he pays about a third. This is fine and it barely crosses my mind.

The bit I did think much more carefully about is protecting my assets when we move in together. We currently don't live together but are planning to buy and I'm being very careful to make sure my assets are protected in the event of a split and am working with a lawyer to do this. Oh and obviously I would never marry him.

MissWings · 02/02/2023 08:15

I think you care very much actually. Poor bloke, sounds like a good egg too.

I also have your background and I earn a lot more than my husband. For me I’m seriously not bothered. He is a great man, and a great husband. I count myself very lucky indeed.

I guess it helps he’s also very good looking 😁.

hungerganes · 02/02/2023 08:16

@MissWings did you have this financial difference when you got together though or did your income increase after marrying him? If you were to find yourself single would you rather a man who earns the same/more or would it make no difference (if he's good looking ;) )

TootHole · 02/02/2023 08:17

I couldn't care less how much a man earns
Clearly you do, because you've made a thread about it. Not enough to insist on paying half or taking your turn when buying your drinks at the pub though.

What is it exactly you're bothered about? That he can't match your expensive tastes/trips? That you might have to help or pay for him to do the things you want if he can't afford them?

MissWings · 02/02/2023 08:19

@hungerganes

If I was single now I would be looking for a good man with a good work ethic, the wage wouldn’t matter as I’m self sufficient financially. I would have to be attracted to him and he would have to have kids who were teenagers or older.

Unlikely scenario for me though as it’s mine and my husbands anniversary today and we’re still totally in love and I still fancy the pants off him. Despite his poorer wage lol 😜.

rosegoldivy · 02/02/2023 08:21

KalvinPhillipsBoots · 02/02/2023 07:38

Money is the root of all evil, if you like him and he has treat you well, that's all that should matter.

This.

Honestly. Does it matter?

Do you like him? Is he respectful and kind? Does he make you happy?

Would you rather date a man who earned twice your salary and was a complete narcissistic cunt?

Enjoy it. From posts on here, nice decent men are hard to come by.

SharkVega · 02/02/2023 08:31

Just started dating a man and it turns out I earn 10 times what he earns.

Tbh, I think this level of disparity is somewhat easier than a smaller multiple. If you're earning 10 times as much you could still afford a nice lifestyle even if subsidising him.

I earn about 5x what my partner does, it's not an issue for me, I can easily afford for us both to go on nice holidays.

CalistoNoSolo · 02/02/2023 08:32

No I wouldn't, especially with 6 children involved. What happens if you're living together and you want to go skiing (or similar)? Are you happy paying for 8 people because the other half can't afford it? Or only take your children and suffer the resentment and guilt trip because the other half of your household haven't been able to go?

GrumpyPanda · 02/02/2023 08:33

RedHelenB · 02/02/2023 05:37

He shouldnt be paying, you should be going halves. I think you sound selfish so it probably won't work out.

And you sound ridiculous. OP said clearly that her date insists on paying when they go out. From experience, she'll have to get the wait staff on the sly to pay the bill the following time.

Haven't been in this situation myself but I would take the cautioning words by women who've lived through it very seriously as that's also what's borne out in sociological studies. In particular, IIRC, the distribution of tasks is actually less equal in marriages where the wife earns more - to be clear, she'll bring home more money but STILL do the lion's share of domestic work. It's like there is some weird kind of compensating mechanism at work. I'd be especially wary of this given he's not the resident parent of his kids whereas OP is of hers.

Slimjimtobe · 02/02/2023 08:35

I think he sounds kind and not going to use you

you’ve a lot in common and from a similar background

ChatSamosa · 02/02/2023 08:35

Insist that you pay for more stuff?

Ketchupwee · 02/02/2023 08:51

My husband earns 130k less than me

It was a problem in the beginning, not for us but for other people (who I'm sure would have been fine if it were the other way round!!) who felt the need to comment and take the piss out of him. I also had the horrified friends and family who thought I should be with someone of a similar salary level

With that differential, the fact is you cant expect to have a relationship where you pay for things 50/50 unless you are prepared to base what you do on what he can afford. When we moved in together we split everything proportionally so of course I paid more

The thing is I have been lucky, I have taken some career risks which have paid off, DH works bloody hard but in a job that doesn't pay well. I may finance a lot of our lives but that is only one part of a relationship, we are very much partners in every other respect and he balances me

ladygindiva · 02/02/2023 09:03

If he earns 10k ( which is way less than full time on minimum wage) and has 3 DC still not yet adults, he's bloody irresponsible.

ladygindiva · 02/02/2023 09:05

Slimjimtobe · 02/02/2023 08:35

I think he sounds kind and not going to use you

you’ve a lot in common and from a similar background

Kind, to not maximise his earning potential to even minimum wage standard so he can pay child support to the kids that don't live with him??? He sounds like a jerk to me, sorry

MissWings · 02/02/2023 09:07

@ladygindiva

Who said he earned minimum wage? Personally I hope the OP finishes it soon with this bloke so he can actually find someone who will like him for who he is and not his pay packet. Probably a reason why the OPs other relationship didn’t work out. It’s great that women earn high salaries now (I do). But I thank my lucky stars I was able to remain humble with it (I too am from a very WC council estate background), but I’ve essentially changed who I am at the core.

MissWings · 02/02/2023 09:08

That should have said I have essentially NOT changed who I am.

Petronus · 02/02/2023 09:16

This is probably skewed by the fact I’m not a high earner, but this sounds completely bonkers to me. There are literally no red flags about this man, I can’t work out what the issue is. He is solvent, a homeowner, pays his way (and yours), has a great relationship with his kids and has loads in common with you and is respectful. Any problems are currently fictitious.