My Mother has died and I feel so guilty and at times, ashamed

[guityascharged]

I don't understand my feelings, at all. I am in so much pain. I love her so much and miss her so much already.

I didn't grow up living with my Mother. She was only 18 when she had me. I know she loved me and we were very close, but I feel so guilty now because part of this awful pain is that i missed out on having a more typical Mother and daughter relationship with her and living together and being close to her as a child.

I can't explain it it is like a physical ache from something that I should have got over a very long time ago.

I feel so guilty for this being a part of my grief. If anyone knew they would think I was selfish and making her death all about me, which of course I am doing. So I can never talk about this.

I have an embarrassing jealousy and waves of hurt that her subsequent husband and other children got to live with her.

But I don't know what to do with these feelings now. I can't pretend they don't exist?

I feel disloyal even typing this but I need to get it out, I can't stop crying.

You should try and find a good therapist OP. Someone who deals with childhood trauma and grief as it sounds like you have a lot of both, which is unresolved and eating away at you. Be kind to yourself. Condolences on the loss of your DM

Your grief IS all about you - mourning the loss of the relationship you had with your mum and also whatever was missing from it. You don’t say how long ago she died but if you are struggling to come to terms with it some time after a loss then some counselling might help. I’m
very sorry for your loss.

i totally get this. i lived with my mother and whilst I love her she wasn't born with natural parenting abilities and has made some very questionable choices through her life which affected my childhood and the way she brought us up negatively.

she at the moment has a chronic disease and i tried to care for her until i got to the point of tears and exhaustion and she flung it all back in my face. shes argumentative always thinks shes right and that has never changed.

when she passes il feel bad i know i will but it will also be for the relationship we could have had..

We all have regrets about our relationship with the dead, once they have gone. It’s partly because we know that there is nothing more to be written on that page.

I could say that there are many people who may have had a superficially more conventional relationship with their mother who have felt far less affection and bereavement than you are feeling now. You seem to have established a mutual understanding and regard which is greatly to both your credits.

don’t spoil your grief with self recrimination, where there seems no need for it. I hope you always remember your mother with love.

I don't understand how counselling could do anything helpful though. Not being difficult, I just don't understand how it could help.

You are grieving for what could have been. A completely normal and healthy response. Can i ask who your main attachment figure was when you were growing up? Can they give you a bit of comfort whilst you are feeling this way?

Sorry I don't have any advice but sending you a virtual hug xxx your feelings are valid 💗

You are allowed to grief for what was and what wasn't xxx

I have a similar background and it's often hard and complicated when your relationships are very different to the default in society.

You are the one still here to feel it, whatever those feelings are, however contradictory they may be.

Counselling may help you to reach acceptance of the situation. You can't change it but you can at least get some peace from it.

I could've wrote your post. Its horrible to go through this.

Oh sweetie. Huge hug to you. This sounds like a totally normal reaction to losing your mum considering your relationship with her. Completely normal. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Let yourself cry - it's healthy, it's good and LOOK after yourself. Curl up in bed.

When you are tired and just want to sleep or rest, I recommend this guided mediation

Exactly. Please do not feel that there is anything abnormal or wrong about your reaction, OP. Even people who had generally good relationships with their parents go through it, let alone people like you, who didn't.

This made me cry again. There is and was a lot of love between us.

But I feel embarrassed by something, like I am somehow an outsider compared to her husband and other children. So I don't have the same right to be devastated or grieving. I should make clear they don't think that, that's just something in me making me feel awkward and sad on top of the grief. But they must at least unconsciously feel like they were all closer to her, surely, and so their relationships with her mattered more?

Even people who had generally good relationships with their parents go through it, let alone people like you, who didn't

We did have a good relationship despite some very difficult bits, though. It's just so complicated, I can't figure it out.

Grief comes in all shapes and sizes. It's natural to grieve for the relationship you didn't have. And perhaps it's hit you now, because there's no way of changing it

I knew someone who had a poor relationship with their father. When the father died, my friend was surprised how upset he was, until he realised it was because, deep down, he had always hoped their relationship might improve, but now had to accept that it wouldn't happen

I wish. They are dead a long time now though.

PS I wasn't meaning to suggest that you and your mother had a poor relationship. I'm guessing she did the best she could in difficult circumstances

Sorry for the loss of your dear mum.

You've said you can't speak to anyone about the way you're feeling. If you decide to see a counsellor, you can talk bout everything. Not just about your grief, but your relationship in general.

I'm possibly being stupid here but how does it help somebody accept something?

The idea of talking about it makes me feel worse. Why can't I just read the training materials the counsellers study and help myself to find acceptance?

I thought I had accepted things though. Mostly. So have I just gone backwards emotionally?

Bereavement counselling allows you to speak and talk about yourself and no-one else for while. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. You need to be able to look after yourself in order to build up your strength to be unselfish and giving.

It helps throw light onto the subjects that seem so big and scary in the darkness and shrink them down to size. Sometimes you will find that everyone else feels the same when they are bereaved and it is entirely natural to feel this way. Sometimes it may be something that is unique to your situation and you need help. Sometimes you can explore why you think it is selfish to grieve. For example, who has told you that caring for yourself is selfish? Were they right? Are there alternatives? Sometimes counselling can help you let go or rearrange your priorities.

Yes sometimes it might stir things up and make things seem worse for a while. But then the poison is let out and it doesn't bother you any more.

Counselling can do a lot if you have the right counsellor and you might have to search for the right one. Therapy (and there are different types) is a very clever way of making you do lots of emotional work without almost realising you're doing it. It might feel like you're just talking but you are also thinking and your emotional intelligence is being developed.

But whatever you decide to do you should know that jealousy, anger, sadness, hurt are all things that can happen during grief and love and you are not wrong, or evil, or ungrateful to feel those things. You sound like you feel love. You are human and you are complex and that's okay.

I think that taking away the whether you are "allowed" or "should" helps. My brother died last year. We weren't that close but I have waves of sadness/bitterness that the opportunity to develop that has gone.

I don't understand what doing emotional work means. Does it just mean thinking stuff over with a counsellor or therapist who puts different questions to you?

And then at some point you think up some new way of looking at the situation you are in counselling for and feel more ok about everything?

I think when your mother dies (or another relative but especially your mother) you can feel shame and anger as well as loss and deep sadness. It's all ok.

I think your feelings are probably very normal for someone who has been through your experiences. Your grief both your mother was she was and the mother you wanted/needed.