My Mother has died and I feel so guilty and at times, ashamed

[guityascharged]

I don't understand my feelings, at all. I am in so much pain. I love her so much and miss her so much already.

I didn't grow up living with my Mother. She was only 18 when she had me. I know she loved me and we were very close, but I feel so guilty now because part of this awful pain is that i missed out on having a more typical Mother and daughter relationship with her and living together and being close to her as a child.

I can't explain it it is like a physical ache from something that I should have got over a very long time ago.

I feel so guilty for this being a part of my grief. If anyone knew they would think I was selfish and making her death all about me, which of course I am doing. So I can never talk about this.

I have an embarrassing jealousy and waves of hurt that her subsequent husband and other children got to live with her.

But I don't know what to do with these feelings now. I can't pretend they don't exist?

It will help you process the difficult feelings you are understandably feeling op.

I'm so sorry X

You will have to go through the process for counselling to help. You can't just read a book on it. It's not the same. But maybe you're not ready for that yet op. It's not compulsory.

Haven't read whole thread, but would you try writing out your feelings in a private notebook, page after page after page, express everything, it doesn't have to be sentences, can be words, phrases, questions. Not for anyone to read. For you to process all your feelings.