My Mother has died and I feel so guilty and at times, ashamed

[guityascharged]

I don't understand my feelings, at all. I am in so much pain. I love her so much and miss her so much already.

I didn't grow up living with my Mother. She was only 18 when she had me. I know she loved me and we were very close, but I feel so guilty now because part of this awful pain is that i missed out on having a more typical Mother and daughter relationship with her and living together and being close to her as a child.

I can't explain it it is like a physical ache from something that I should have got over a very long time ago.

I feel so guilty for this being a part of my grief. If anyone knew they would think I was selfish and making her death all about me, which of course I am doing. So I can never talk about this.

I have an embarrassing jealousy and waves of hurt that her subsequent husband and other children got to live with her.

But I don't know what to do with these feelings now. I can't pretend they don't exist?

I spent the first few years absolutely enraged when my mother died, I was furious with her for dying. I’ve never felt such pain, & couldn’t wait to die too so I could be with her. We were very close, but a jealous siblings fed her with BS about me, & she believed them. So towards the end of her life there were many arguments, & things were never the same again. I’m not bothered about what they did to me, but can’t believe that they did that to an elderly lady, not just any old lady, that lady was their mother who also had dementia! OP, I had counselling & it helped a bit but I still felt quite angry. What did help was finding this online - 64 Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me About Grief. It made a lot of sense, & really helped me. At times I feel like I’m still grieving 5 years on, & think I always will be due to the circumstances at the time of my mother’s death.

I'm have a similar backstory @guityascharged, my Mum was 16 and I lived with my grandparents, although she played a big part in my life. She is now terminally ill and I feel on the outside of the three - that is my Mum, my Dad and my sister, who did live with them. I think you should allow yourself to feel whatever you feel, there is no right or wrong. I have had counselling which has helped me focus less on the feeling of being an outsider, and more on the fact that I'm very much on the inside of my own little family. I hope you have loved ones to support you, it's tough

OP it's VERY common and normal to have grief complicated by wishing things had been different. Not at all unusual.
There's a Bereavement board on MN you might find helpful.

"I don't understand what doing emotional work means. Does it just mean thinking stuff over with a counsellor or therapist who puts different questions to you?

And then at some point you think up some new way of looking at the situation you are in counselling for and feel more ok about everything"

Kind of. A good therapist will help you pick apart your feelings, and will gently challenge you on them. Sometimes we think in absolutes (like for example 'I shouldn't feel this way about xyz') and counselling will help you a) get to the bottom of why you think that and your values/upbringing/culture that moulded you that way, b) perhaps allow you to look at things from an alternative point of view and consider that you might be being hard on yourself, c) come to terms with what you do feel and accept your feelings and d) help you going forward in a way that now involves understanding of yourself, a different perspective and acceptance.

When my father died I was already in therapy at the time and it helped enormously. I had complex grief and had no one to relate to, as our relationship was complicated. Counselling allowed me to voice my feelings without fear of being judged and gave me the space to work through what I was feeling until I accepted it and could live a healthy life with it.

It could help you do the same

I'd recommend some psychotherapy. I had a complex relationship with my mother (alcoholic, sent me to board at 6, always picking at my lack of knowledge/appearance/weight/personality, threw me out literally onto the street at Christmas, rarely left the house, made nuisance phone calls, etc) but I still think she was one of the most interesting, talented, generous women I've ever known. As we get older I think we realise most parents do their best with the knowledge they had at the time. They are human and have flaws that we don't like to see when we are young. You will be fine and it's completely normal to have mixed emotions, even for years later. Even posting this nearly 2 decades later I get a pang of guilt, shame, she wouldn't want people to know....but what's the point in life if you can't use your experiences to help others? It takes a lot of work to feel settled with yourself if you feel things were left unsaid, so do be kind to yourself.

Hi OP,

None of this is out of the ordinary at all. You're grieving the relationship that you had with your mother, but at the same time you're grieving the relationship you wish you could have had with her, the time that you missed out on with her.

While she was alive, maybe that time you missed didn't matter so much, as you had time in the future to "make up for" the time you missed out on. Now she's gone, there's no chance to make up for it, and so it hurts all over again.

And you're not an outsider. My Dad remarried years ago, he has a second family. My relationship with him is different from theirs, but it's no less valid, and my grief wouldn't be less that theirs.

Like other posters, I'd recommend you look into some counselling. Talking about it may make you feel worse right now, but that's part of working through the emotions, and in the long run it'll probably help.

I found it helpful to talk to a bereavement councellor, because I couldn't describe what I was feeling, I couldn't even think what self care was, and I didn't know what was good.

I really tried going through all the lists and the motions of eating well, not drinking, sleep and exercise. But I still couldn't say what what I was feeling, when I could bring myself to talk, I could only talk in terms of it happening to someone else, or using stories or things to describe what was emotionally happening to me.

It wasn't healthy at all, when someone asked what was wrong I'd say I'm fine, but eventually it just turned into anxiety, depression and then I felt suicidal.

When I could talk, I could say out loud about the guilt I felt, how powerless I felt, how I wanted to be cared for, how I was lonely, how laughing felt stupid.

It helped get perspective and peace at a very difficult time, once I could articulate it, I literally felt lighter, and then it was a case of practising how to notice when I felt bad.

I'm so sorry for your sad loss.

Of course you can and should grieve for yourself and for your mother.

Please stop feeling guilty and being so hard on yourself.

What you've been through is so sad and you should never feel guilty or ashamed about talking to people you can trust.

I have been in almost exactly your situation. My mum had me at 16 and I was brought up by her parents. She suffered a lot of guilt about that and she found it very difficult to talk about it. She also had a subsequent family who had a totally 'normal' childhood with her.

Therapy was the best thing I ever did. It's hard to explain why it works, but it rruly helps you to work out why you respond the way you do. Luckily I had therapy before my mum died prematurely. I guess I did my grieving for the relationship we didn't have before she died.

I think it's totally understandable that you are grieving for someone you never really had, a mother living with you as you grew. An it's a pretty basic need/want that wasn't met. You have nothing whatsoever to feel guilty about. I think you maybe feel that your pain at missing out infers blame on your mum that you don't want to place there. And I don't know the cirumstances of your childhood or her reasons for not living with you but can imagine she had her reasons. Is it those you have mixed feelings around? Did you and your mum talk frankly about those to your satisfaction?

I think you maybe feel that your pain at missing out infers blame on your mum that you don't want to place there.

Yes this is exactly it. It makes me so upset.

I am in so much pain, can't discuss this with anybody. I don't know what to do with myself. Everything feels pointless now.

Oh love I wish I could reach out and give you a hug.

I am so very sorry for your loss and what you're going through and agree with previous posts.

Counselling/therapy - it can just help you process your grief and your feelings. Grief over our loved ones never leaves us, we learn to live with it, our lives grow around it and in doing so lesson the pain. Eventually, we find some peace and acceptance, which I think is what you need.

As others have said, you're also grieving what you missed out on. Your guilt is normal - there's a level of reconciliation always with grief.

Reconciling our sorrow and pain and love with anger, guilt and feelings of loyalty. Sometimes, just having someone present we can pour it all out to and who gets it can be healing on its own. Other times, a counsellor helps work out the conflicting feelings, deal with any anger (which can emerge at odd times) etc.

In your case, it sounds like a therapist would help you recognise your grief (and relationship with your mum) as every bit as valid and important as your younger siblings. They would also help you deal with those feelings where you worry acknowledging them means ascribing blame to your mum and any regret or anger you feel.

In helping you find the emotional space to understand and deal with all this, they'll free up blocks which stop your grief 'moving on' (read: evolving). All this is done is a safe place where you can cry or rage or question as much as you need to.

Finally, counselling doesn't have to be done and dusted in one set of sessions.

Sometimes, we need to take a break from counselling for weeks, months or even years, and come back to it later.

A very wise person told me once that grief is like waves crashing on the shore. It keeps comes coming - and often in waves, often surprising us- but overtime the power and strength of the waves get less.

At the moment you're completely at sea, but you'll find an anchor and a counsellor might well be that anchor. X

There isn't a right or wrong way to do grief, please don't feel bad about how you feel.

I'm in agreement with others that I really do think you could benefit from some counselling to unravel this, it's quite a big deal and there is no need to minimise your feelings or feel shame or guilt! It may be that with counselling, you will re-frame things and the pain lessens. For example, understanding more about the difficult choices she had to make being entirely separate from her love for you. And realising that she also must have felt the terrible loss of her first born being with her. There are no winners, the 'second' family may look golden but they had a heartache in the middle of it, every birthday celebrated must reminded your mum of what she missed.

I understand why she had to do things the way she did, they were very reasonable decisions that made a lot of sense, but no to be honest that doesn't help my own private pain about it.

I just feel unreasonable in my feelings.

If she had done single motherhood at 18 with me, she would not have met her husband and had her happy life. So for me to have had what I missed would have meant her not having the love of her life.

So I can't even think about it too deeply. It makes me feel selfish.

And realising that she also must have felt the terrible loss of her first born being with her

I really don't think she felt that loss because she saw me every weekend. She was fine.

She 100% loved me but I think she was very much ok in her choices, it didn't seem to be a terrible loss for her to be living far from me.

What does that say about me? 😬

It's fine really and I'm frustrated and embarrassed that I'm not ok, it feels like a personal flaw of mine that I'm too thick to understand it all.

Loads of non resident dads live like this and we don't doubt they love their kids. So why am I being unreasonable by holding an 18 year old young woman to a higher standard?

I'm not being fair to her to even write this but I am just in pain.

It doesn't make you selfish at all. You were a victim of circumstance, and so probably was your mum. It doesn't negate your loss of living with your mum. You can love her massively and still feel pain. The two can co-exist. I can't speak for your mum and of course it's good she had a happy marriage and more children but you will always be her first born and she may well have buried a lot of the pain associated with leaving you, just like you buried the pain of being left. I think years ago it was seen as a perfect solution to young unmarried mothers, how on earth we got there I don't know! Clearly the one major need of a child is it's mother, it's a massive issue. I have so much empathy for you, it's not your shame to bear. I've been rejected by my mother as an adult and that's bad enough. I can only imagine how it feels to watch her thrive with another family. It truly is not a minor thing and your feelings are so very valid.

Your feelings are totally understandable. When someone dies, it's not unusual to think over your relationship with them and for you it's been complicated. Grief can also make you feel under the microscope of other people's opinions. But it's a complicated thing with lots of different emotions coming in and out.

Do you have someone you can talk to? Would you consider professional support? You don't have to go it alone.

And that's what counselling is for. To help you figure it out.

There's nothing wrong with how you feel. A counsellor will help you understand your feelings, and in doing so you'll accept things more. They may even help you identify any areas where you could make changes that will make life better/easier for you.

Sometimes you can't see the wood for the trees, and a therapist can help with a different perspective.

Hi op I feel for you my mother was a drinker I'm sorry to say a horrible mother I brought myself up left home at 14 she died when I was 19 I arranged her funeral. I went through anger grief to the point it was affecting my mental health times a great healer but what helped me was talking to a Councillor they don't judge you they talk about your emotions with you I'm 41 now and sometimes I still feel a little emotional but I know I'm strong and can handle it please seek help x

Thank you for your replies. I'm going to look for a counsellor I think.

It's weird before when things got bad with my mother's illness I was saying I felt counselling might be good because i was so devastated over that, but then when she died it just felt like what's the point.

But now I think it might be good.

My head is all over the place. It's almost as if I can't identify what I want or need? With lots of things, even stuff as simple as what to have for dinner, up to much bigger decisions?

Can that be usual for grief?

Yep, completely. A few months before my Mum died (but once we knew she wasn't going to be around much longer), I just stopped being able to make a decision. Couldn't decide on dinner, went for a walk and just on the corner and could not make a decision on which way to go. Basically just had a bit of a breakdown. Had to take a month off work because I was just no use to anyone.

Your brain is trying to process this huge loss and change. Pretty much anything is normal at the moment

Your feelings are totally reasonable. You never addressed them with her?

You have no idea whether she would or would not have found happiness had she kept you with her. You can't sit down and sum up relationships by breaking them into pros and cons. They are more than that.

At the end of the day, you're still her daughter who feels justly rejected and unworthy because of choices she made. You can both understand and be angry about them and her reasons.

Nothing selfish in any of this.