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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To freak out because DD has a boyfriend!

67 replies

msmatcha · 31/01/2023 20:49

She's 14 and so is the boy. I feel sick about it, though believe it to be a fairly innocent relationship. I am just not ready for this. Should I say anything to her? Offer any advice? Aibu to feel this way?

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 31/01/2023 20:52

That’s a rather extreme reaction

you don’t need to say anything at this stage

keep an eye on things and just remind her if necessary that she should to feel
pressured to do anything she doesn’t want

Relaxd · 31/01/2023 20:55

I think it’s incredible normal for a 14 year old to have a boyfriend of a similar age. I assume you are not actually bothered about that, just finding it hard that she’s growing up? Just be nice. Ask her about him, take a loose but not domineering interest. Make sure she knows about sex, as whilst she won’t be planning this I’m sure, having the facts and knowing she can say no etc is important.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 31/01/2023 20:59

Relaxd · 31/01/2023 20:55

I think it’s incredible normal for a 14 year old to have a boyfriend of a similar age. I assume you are not actually bothered about that, just finding it hard that she’s growing up? Just be nice. Ask her about him, take a loose but not domineering interest. Make sure she knows about sex, as whilst she won’t be planning this I’m sure, having the facts and knowing she can say no etc is important.

This. Make sure you don't accuse her of planning to have sex, which will only alienate her. Put it in the context of, "This is stuff you will need over the next few years, so I'm telling you now, so that you know for whenever you need it". Make sure she knows how to access contraception locally. And talk to her about consent, and especially about not sexting. Sad to say, but all girls her age will be asked for dodgy selfies, whether or not they have a bf. Make sure she knows not to respond.

AnorLondo · 31/01/2023 21:07

She's 14 not 4.

WandaWonder · 31/01/2023 21:09

I get the ick thing in a joking way about my child, but what is the panic?

It is normal

Hankunamatata · 31/01/2023 21:09

Normal but I would find it utterly terrifying too. Dc is 14 and I'm dreading the start of dating.

Eastereggsboxedupready · 31/01/2023 21:12

Invite him round. Having the chance to get to know him is vital ime. He gets to see dd on home ground. And her family. And you get a glimpse of their relationship and how she is being treated!

maddy68 · 31/01/2023 21:15

I would also leave condoms in the bathroom. Should she need them.

It's time to have the chat

vodkaredbullgirl · 31/01/2023 21:16

Wow calm down.

HeadacheEarthquake · 31/01/2023 21:18

Omg in the nicest way calm down. 13 is prime bf time so she's behind
Invite the lad over for something awesome like pizza or curry, and make them feel special.

You must not freak out its a rite of passage for her and the closer you bring them the safer they will both be.

Best of luck, very exciting for her to experience her first little romance! Enjoy it with her!

DarkShade · 31/01/2023 21:19

It's normal! At least the boy is also 14.

daisyjgrey · 31/01/2023 21:26

You need to calm down for a start.

Florin · 31/01/2023 21:33

I just turned 15 when I got together with my dh he had just turned 16. Still together 25 years later. My biggest tip is to try keep communications open and show respect for their relationship, best to keep them close and talking as otherwise they will push away.

Original poster
msmatcha · 31/01/2023 21:35

Thank you all, ok yes I'm calming down. I know it's normal and that I was having an extreme reaction. I guess that's why I posted - I needed you lot to tell me to calm down!

I will give it a couple of weeks and then chat more about sexting and photos etc, though I'm pretty confident she knows this stuff. Being told again though won't hurt will it.

OP posts:
Original poster
msmatcha · 31/01/2023 21:36

Just read Florins post and now having palpitations.

OP posts:
SharpLily · 31/01/2023 21:42

Yeah, my mother had a similar reaction to you, which made me realise very quickly that I couldn't tell her ANYTHING. Our relationship has never recovered.

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 31/01/2023 21:43

FGS I thought you were gonna say she was 11!

Perfectly normal. Don’t freak out, it will only result in her keeping things from you

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 31/01/2023 21:44

msmatcha · 31/01/2023 21:36

Just read Florins post and now having palpitations.

Er….why??

Cas112 · 31/01/2023 21:45

SharpLily · 31/01/2023 21:42

Yeah, my mother had a similar reaction to you, which made me realise very quickly that I couldn't tell her ANYTHING. Our relationship has never recovered.

Yep

ShimmeringShirts · 31/01/2023 21:46
Hmm
sparepantsandtoothbrush · 31/01/2023 21:47

I will give it a couple of weeks and then chat more about sexting and photos etc, though I'm pretty confident she knows this stuff

Pretty confident? 14 is too old for you not to be certain on these things. And don't invite him around unless your DD suggests it. Just leave her to it and let her know you're there if she needs to chat about anything.

It's really not that big of a deal

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 31/01/2023 21:49

It’s perfectly normal. I had a boyfriend at 14. I don’t think my parents felt sick at the thought! It was mostly walking round the school field holding hands, and walking round the shopping centre on the weekends doing the same. With the odd bit of snogging. Went off him after a few months!

VivienneDelacroix · 31/01/2023 21:49

When I was in Year 9 all the girls had Year 11 boyfriends. I did too for a while then I was with a 21-year old whilst I was still only 14. Nowadays it would be seen for what it is - grooming. I'd be very happy for my daughter to have a 14 year old boyfriend when she is 14.

username98765 · 31/01/2023 21:50

My dd told me she had a boyfriend at 13. He was in the year above. She is now 14 and he has just turned 16. At first I was really worried! We invited him over for tea and he is the loveliest teenage lad I've met! He stays at ours most weekends now (he doesn't have a great home life) obviously they don't sleep in the same room! I have talked to both of them about the importance of waiting etc and we can talk openly about it. He respects us and my dd not to do anything to upset this. My dd and I have always talked about everything. I know there will come a time when they will want to take it a step further but I'd like to hope she would talk to me about it.

PartyTips · 31/01/2023 21:51

😐She’s 14. She’s not 3. Even if she were 3, palpitations is not a normal response.