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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To freak out because DD has a boyfriend!

67 replies

msmatcha · 31/01/2023 20:49

She's 14 and so is the boy. I feel sick about it, though believe it to be a fairly innocent relationship. I am just not ready for this. Should I say anything to her? Offer any advice? Aibu to feel this way?

OP posts:
DNBU · 31/01/2023 21:51

Calm down OP, your reaction is absolutely ridiculous. They’re both 14!

Mischance · 31/01/2023 21:51

At one point I had 3 teenage DDs. They had all known the relevant facts from a very young age. I hope your DD has too. These discussions are easier when they are young and are purely theoretical.

Let her enjoy putting a toe in the water of learning to manage relations with the opposite sex. Be pleased for her; welcome him in.

If you feel there are things she should know that she has not yet learned, then now is the moment to discuss them. But hopefully she is aware.

LateOnTheBandwagon · 31/01/2023 21:53

I think you should have a talk. Not about condoms in the bathroom or sex (hopefully you have already covered the sex bit by now) but about how proud you are of her now that she is growing into her own person with a private life. It took me by surprise when my daughter started seeing someone at the same age and, yes, it probably shouldn't have but it just sort of crept up on me. We talked about respect - having the highest respect for herself and respect for the boyfriend. Well worth regular reminders and she managed to stay friendly with the couple of boys she went out with in high school because they avoided drama and bitterness when they split up.
Don't panic OP, you (and she) will be just fine.

Original poster
msmatcha · 31/01/2023 22:10

LateOnTheBandwagon · 31/01/2023 21:53

I think you should have a talk. Not about condoms in the bathroom or sex (hopefully you have already covered the sex bit by now) but about how proud you are of her now that she is growing into her own person with a private life. It took me by surprise when my daughter started seeing someone at the same age and, yes, it probably shouldn't have but it just sort of crept up on me. We talked about respect - having the highest respect for herself and respect for the boyfriend. Well worth regular reminders and she managed to stay friendly with the couple of boys she went out with in high school because they avoided drama and bitterness when they split up.
Don't panic OP, you (and she) will be just fine.

Love this, thank you.

I was joking about the palpitations btw!

OP posts:
Original poster
msmatcha · 31/01/2023 22:11

Oh and I was joking about the palpitations btw!

OP posts:
Goinglocodowninsainsburyslocal · 31/01/2023 22:12

As pp said, don't go to her with accusations of what they may or may not do. I was in a very similar situation and had 0 intention of having sex yet all trust in me was removed. Our relationship never really recovered tbh

Original poster
msmatcha · 31/01/2023 22:14

Mischance · 31/01/2023 21:51

At one point I had 3 teenage DDs. They had all known the relevant facts from a very young age. I hope your DD has too. These discussions are easier when they are young and are purely theoretical.

Let her enjoy putting a toe in the water of learning to manage relations with the opposite sex. Be pleased for her; welcome him in.

If you feel there are things she should know that she has not yet learned, then now is the moment to discuss them. But hopefully she is aware.

Thank you, yes I am pleased for her, I need to recognise that too. They are the same age and I have respect for both of them. I just didn't see it coming!

OP posts:
SnuggleBuggleBoo · 31/01/2023 22:31

Did you not have boyfriends at 14? I can't think of many people who didn't when I was at school. It doesn't mean she'll want to sleep with him, just that she's enjoying hanging out with him and finding out how compatible they actually are.

Teenagehorrorbag · 31/01/2023 22:43

Relaxd · 31/01/2023 20:55

I think it’s incredible normal for a 14 year old to have a boyfriend of a similar age. I assume you are not actually bothered about that, just finding it hard that she’s growing up? Just be nice. Ask her about him, take a loose but not domineering interest. Make sure she knows about sex, as whilst she won’t be planning this I’m sure, having the facts and knowing she can say no etc is important.

My DD is 14. She's not interested in boys and thinks kissing etc is disgusting, long may that last....Grin. But she is perhaps unusual, and many of her friendship group have BFs or GFs, and some have done since Year 7.

One friend had a BF for two years, and her Mum said they could go to her room together but I think they had to leave the door open, or something. But there was no suggestion they were looking to DTD, and when they split she got another quite quickly, but again I think they just kiss and hold hands. (Obviously the boys may be keener, but most know the score). Of course some girls want more, and I knew some that did when I was young - but I don't get that vibe from DD's friends.

I know there are different groups and different pressures - but I'm just trying to say you don't need to panic automatically. Have a chat!

TwoPointFourCatsAndDogs · 31/01/2023 23:37

I had the same panic last summer, DD14 started going out with a a boy of same age, they’re still together. He’s lovely and they’re very sweet together. Both are busy/sporty so only meet about once a week (no holding hands at school) which I feel is about right, although they facetime most nights which can get quite late. She uses an app to track her periods (as I suffered with PMDD) and we have had the ‘V Plates’ talk. I’m sure it’s becoming less innocent (been going out for 6 months and both now 15) so I am keeping my eye on the sanitary products, I’m doing a monthly audit.

Jourdain11 · 01/02/2023 00:33

msmatcha · 31/01/2023 20:49

She's 14 and so is the boy. I feel sick about it, though believe it to be a fairly innocent relationship. I am just not ready for this. Should I say anything to her? Offer any advice? Aibu to feel this way?

It may still be a fairly innocent relationship!

14 year old with another 14 year old, sounds quite reasonable to me. If he was a creep he'd be looking for a younger girl who he could manipulate. Yeah, make sure she knows her stuff but don't go overboard on it, you might put her off talking to you when she really needs to!

Jourdain11 · 01/02/2023 00:37

TwoPointFourCatsAndDogs · 31/01/2023 23:37

I had the same panic last summer, DD14 started going out with a a boy of same age, they’re still together. He’s lovely and they’re very sweet together. Both are busy/sporty so only meet about once a week (no holding hands at school) which I feel is about right, although they facetime most nights which can get quite late. She uses an app to track her periods (as I suffered with PMDD) and we have had the ‘V Plates’ talk. I’m sure it’s becoming less innocent (been going out for 6 months and both now 15) so I am keeping my eye on the sanitary products, I’m doing a monthly audit.

Umm, for real?

Firstly, I'm sure she knows about contraception.

Secondly, if she was that devious, she could take the sanitary stuff and hide it. My periods were never that regular at that age, my poor mother would've had a breakdown several times a year if she'd been doing sanpro audits!

Thirdly, you can't get pregnant over Facetime - even late at night.

daisyjgrey · 01/02/2023 00:51

TwoPointFourCatsAndDogs · 31/01/2023 23:37

I had the same panic last summer, DD14 started going out with a a boy of same age, they’re still together. He’s lovely and they’re very sweet together. Both are busy/sporty so only meet about once a week (no holding hands at school) which I feel is about right, although they facetime most nights which can get quite late. She uses an app to track her periods (as I suffered with PMDD) and we have had the ‘V Plates’ talk. I’m sure it’s becoming less innocent (been going out for 6 months and both now 15) so I am keeping my eye on the sanitary products, I’m doing a monthly audit.

You appear to be insane.

TwoPointFourCatsAndDogs · 01/02/2023 01:00

I may well be insane, thanks, I hadn’t thought of that 🤔 I’m far too busy keeping my eye on sanitary products 😂

lborgia · 01/02/2023 01:05

What are V plates?!

I understand. My son started dating at 14, whereas I was at uni and finally just dated the next person who asked .. I thought I'd end up alone forever if I didn't!

Anyway, I digress.

I thought he was telling me a lot (as in neither of them wanted to have sex yet because they were both freaked out by the idea of unwanted pg). But it turns out she wanted to know where he was every moment of every day. I didn't even realise because I haven't dated since the Nokia, and he was under the impression that it was entirely normal to be in life 360 and in touch every half hour.

I felt awful because I didn't realise she was being really controlling the entire time.

So I would say appear to be entirely uninterested, but keep family rules of no texting/ distractions for x occasions, such as dinner etc.. and be alert. I'm sure if I had a girl I'd of seen it differently. It didn't occur that a bolshie boy, built like a brick barn, could end up in this situation, but now I know.

They broke up, and he's now got a really lovely girlfriend, and I'm actually worried because she's been raised in a pretty religious household, and I suspect thinks he should be in charge. I'm keeping an eye out for both of them, but at very much arms length.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 01/02/2023 01:15

Call me old fashioned but I don't think children should be permitted to couple up.

At this stage of life they should be focused on education, exploring interests, fitness, etc, not becoming enmeshed with another child.

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 01/02/2023 01:29

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 01/02/2023 01:15

Call me old fashioned but I don't think children should be permitted to couple up.

At this stage of life they should be focused on education, exploring interests, fitness, etc, not becoming enmeshed with another child.

Meanwhile, in the real world, banning your child from having a boyfriend won’t get them interested in fitness, they’ll simply end up despising you.

They can learn to have a young relationship and all the ups and downs that come with it, whilst ALSO focussing on those other things.

LadyJ2023 · 01/02/2023 01:36

When did adults thinking become let's make kids adults aswell 🤔 sorry 14 is 14 a kid

Hups · 01/02/2023 02:49

My daughter had a boyfriend at 14, I just shrugged my shoulders.. They broke up a few months later. I just shrugged my shoulders again.
I did a lot of shoulder shrugging throughout my lots teen years.
My mum shrugged her shoulders when I had a boyfriend at that age.
Most people go through a few boyfriends and girlfriends in their teen years.

OnaBegonia · 01/02/2023 03:09

@daisyjgrey
you appear to be insane🤣

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune
Call me old fashioned but I don't think children should be permitted to couple up.

What have I read here 👀👀

daisyjgrey · 01/02/2023 09:26

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 01/02/2023 01:15

Call me old fashioned but I don't think children should be permitted to couple up.

At this stage of life they should be focused on education, exploring interests, fitness, etc, not becoming enmeshed with another child.

Good luck with that approach.

balloontrip · 01/02/2023 09:34

I am keeping my eye on the sanitary products, I’m doing a monthly audit.

It's the kind of comment you desperately hope has come from a troll, not know deep down someone somewhere is actually doing this Sad

Overandunderit · 01/02/2023 09:36

Make sure you have honest conversations about safer sex, consent and that your door is always open.

But also, grow up a bit :)

Overandunderit · 01/02/2023 09:37

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 01/02/2023 01:15

Call me old fashioned but I don't think children should be permitted to couple up.

At this stage of life they should be focused on education, exploring interests, fitness, etc, not becoming enmeshed with another child.

It's not old fashioned it's out of step with reality.

JazbayGrapes · 01/02/2023 09:37

Time to have a serious talk about consent and birth control