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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To freak out because DD has a boyfriend!

67 replies

msmatcha · 31/01/2023 20:49

She's 14 and so is the boy. I feel sick about it, though believe it to be a fairly innocent relationship. I am just not ready for this. Should I say anything to her? Offer any advice? Aibu to feel this way?

OP posts:
ItsNotReallyChaos · 01/02/2023 09:47

After the study published in the past few days about what teenagers are experiencing in sexual relationships I wouldn't waste time being aghast that she has a boyfriend or aghast that this means she might have sex soon. My focus would be on trying to create a dialogue with my DD so that we can talk about the importance of consent, the importance of respect within a relationship and that what you see in porn (which according to the stats your DD is very likely to have seen) is not representative of a healthy enjoyable relationship.

Conkersinautumn · 01/02/2023 10:09

It is very young I'm surprised by the people normalising this. Is this something from school?

Maireas · 01/02/2023 10:22

Teenage girls are under a lot of pressure. Those of you with boyfriends at 14, that was back in the day. It's a different landscape now. At school we're dealing with girls being pressured and sent images and messages that are very sexual. Some report bullying if they haven't had a boyfriend.
It'll probably be ok, but keep a close eye, OP.

Lcb123 · 01/02/2023 10:33

I'm surprised you are surprised. Invite him round, be friendly and get to know him. And have an open conversation with her about sex (consent, respect, condoms!), even if not happening now, best to be prepared and discuss in advance.

FrenchandSaunders · 01/02/2023 10:34

I'm always amazed at these parents who think their DCs tell them everything. I was very close to my mum in my teens and if you had asked her when my first sexual relationship was, she would probably say late teens.

Teenagers are rather devious, so make sure she knows all about contraception in detail even if you think they are at the 'just holding hands' stage.

PartyTips · 01/02/2023 10:37

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 01/02/2023 01:15

Call me old fashioned but I don't think children should be permitted to couple up.

At this stage of life they should be focused on education, exploring interests, fitness, etc, not becoming enmeshed with another child.

That’s not “old fashioned”. It’s a fairly modern concept that 14 year old girls shouldn’t be married off and having children.

PartyTips · 01/02/2023 10:43

FrenchandSaunders · 01/02/2023 10:34

I'm always amazed at these parents who think their DCs tell them everything. I was very close to my mum in my teens and if you had asked her when my first sexual relationship was, she would probably say late teens.

Teenagers are rather devious, so make sure she knows all about contraception in detail even if you think they are at the 'just holding hands' stage.

I absolutely agree with this. My mum and I were very close and still are. She’d swear blind I told her everything in my teens - she’d also swear blind that I lost my virginity to DH. As a former secondary school teacher, most parents are aggressively oblivious to what their children get up to.

Almost half of children have had sex by 16 and yet every parent swears that theirs wouldn’t and hasn’t. Most children have sent or received sexual/nude images by 13 but every parent insists that theirs wouldn’t and hasn’t. In my experience, most children have duplicate phones, most children lie to their parents about boyfriends/girlfriends/sex…

Any time I read mothers on here saying their child hasn’t and wouldn’t, I think “that’s statistically unlikely”.

StarDolphins · 01/02/2023 10:45

My 6 yo has a boyfriend & she’s getting married!

I would just be really breezy with her & invite him round. It’s entirely normal at this age.

crackofdoom · 01/02/2023 10:57

"V plates"? 🤮

In some ways it's easier, in some more difficult if your young teen is a boy. DS has a girlfriend (13), and is going to be 13 on Friday. I have met her, and she seems nice enough- apparently her parents don't know they're going out 🤔

As they are so young, I check his phone regularly. I made him uninstall Snapchat, so that I can see all messages sent. The worry from a boy's mum's side is whether he is treating her with respect.

SandraCumin · 01/02/2023 11:00

Watch him like a hawk, boys are only after one thing.

Shopper727 · 01/02/2023 11:05

Fgs, she’s 14 did you think she was going to wait till she was 25? Surely the ‘chats’ about being ready and safe and contraception etc (where to get it etc) should have been had by now. Lay down your boundaries, tell her your happy she’s happy and she can come to you if she needs to talk but you can only guide them, they will do things if they really want to, hopefully she’ll be careful and isn’t ready. Freaking out now is kinda overkill really I have almost 3 teenagers next year I’ll have 4 it’s full on

crackofdoom · 01/02/2023 11:10

SandraCumin
Respectfully, that is regressive bollocks. Teenage boys have a high sex drive. Teenage girls have a high sex drive. They both need sensitive handling whilst learning about how to approach romantic/ sexual relationships with respect, consideration and consent.

It's just that girls are more vulnerable, both because of their smaller size (Although DS's girlfriend is taller than him 😆), and because of increased expectations and pressures for them to be a certain way in this patriarchal society.

33goingon64 · 01/02/2023 11:14

Calm down.

AngelsWithSilverWings · 01/02/2023 11:16

I had the same slight panic when I discovered my DD had a boyfriend when she had just turned 14.

I had a calm but matter of fact chat with her about safe sex , contraception and consent. She assured me they were not at that stage. I was kind of relieved though when a few months later the GP suggested the pill for her acne. I don't believe they ever did progress to that stage though.

The boys mum was a very hands on parent and would phone me to invite her to their house for dinner or on family days out and we often chatted about rules and boundaries ( not allowed in bedrooms etc). We gave them a little privacy when at our's by letting them hang out in our garden room but we always made sure we came in and out every now and then so they couldn't get too comfortable!

He was a lovely , well mannered and respectful boy and we enjoyed having him around.

They've split up now but it's all been fairly amicable. I sort of miss having him around now. I just hope the next boyfriend is as nice.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 01/02/2023 15:25

FrenchandSaunders · 01/02/2023 10:34

I'm always amazed at these parents who think their DCs tell them everything. I was very close to my mum in my teens and if you had asked her when my first sexual relationship was, she would probably say late teens.

Teenagers are rather devious, so make sure she knows all about contraception in detail even if you think they are at the 'just holding hands' stage.

My 16 year old does tell me everything. So much so that I've had to tell her recently that, while I'm happy to chat, listen and advise her, she doesn't need to give quite so much detail! But we have a very open relationship and I'm glad she feels she can talk to me about anything and everything

cantba · 01/02/2023 15:33

TwoPointFourCatsAndDogs · 01/02/2023 01:00

I may well be insane, thanks, I hadn’t thought of that 🤔 I’m far too busy keeping my eye on sanitary products 😂

😂😂😂. I would be too twopoint

OnaBegonia · 01/02/2023 17:43

If I think your audit notes a decrease in use of sanitary products, it'll be too late by then 🙄

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