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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite this colleague out?

62 replies

itswednesdayy · 31/01/2023 17:49

I posted about a colleague before that has an issue with me.

She loudly criticises me in the office - accusing me of not doing my job properly in front of colleagues/service users; reality was I followed proper procedures which she didn’t bother to check. I’ve been in the job longer and have experience with managing complex issues and trusted to deputise for my manager - but as she’s older than me, she assumes she just knows better than my experience. Her assumptions are to the detriment of the service users she’s assisting too so there’s follow up complaints etc.

She’s short with me and difficult to work with; but she’s cheery with others so I’m singled out. I feel she’s made it clear she doesn’t like me.

This week, colleagues arranged a dinner out and she wasn’t invited. Aibu/have I done anything wrong here? I’m conscious of coming across like I’m leaving her out - however I haven’t told anyone what she’s been doing to me nor not to invite her so I haven’t purposely excluded her.

OP posts:
WildOats5678 · 31/01/2023 17:51

If you haven’t organised the dinner or done the inviting then I’d be inclined to leave as is 🤷🏼‍♀️

Chattycatty · 31/01/2023 17:52

You haven't organised it so how could you have left her out. Don't worry about it and have a good time.

SoIAmGlad · 31/01/2023 17:52

If you’re not the instigator of the meal, why are you asking? Or are you suggesting the others left her out because they know you don’t like her?

flabbygoldfish · 31/01/2023 17:53

Depends if it is an ‘official’ team night out endorsed by management (think office Xmas party type event) in which case it could be considered bullying.

if it is just colleagues having an informal get together you are within your rights not to invite her.

SummaLuvin · 31/01/2023 17:56

Chattycatty · 31/01/2023 17:52

You haven't organised it so how could you have left her out. Don't worry about it and have a good time.

sort of true, but also if I was in the situation where everyone was going out together and knew I wasn't invited I'd hope that at lease one would say "should we invite Summa".

I think going out with a small portion of the team who are closer friends is one thing and absolutely fine, but regardless of personal relationships it is hurtful to exclude only one person.

JacquotteDelahaye · 31/01/2023 17:57

Not sure if the wording on your last paragraph is right OP ?
Who organised the outting?

Manorbier · 31/01/2023 17:58

OP the way you've worded it is your colleagues arranged a night out not you so it's not you who excluded her - I wouldn't worry!

ExtraOnions · 31/01/2023 17:59

If she Criticises you in front of your colleagues, how could they fail to see what’s happening ?

devildeepbluesea · 31/01/2023 18:01

Actually I think whoever organised the meal was being unreasonable. This is social exclusion, regardless of whether it happens in work time or not, which is a really common form of bullying.
I’m not detracting from her unreasonable behaviours but the way to combat inappropriate behaviour isn’t by more inappropriate behaviour.

billy1966 · 31/01/2023 18:02

Not your job to include her.

Have you reported her for her behaviour?

If not, why not?

Overgrowngrasslady · 31/01/2023 18:03

There is a key bit missing, who organised the dinner and didn’t invite her.

if it was you yes, you deserve disciplinary

SummaLuvin · 31/01/2023 18:06

devildeepbluesea · 31/01/2023 18:01

Actually I think whoever organised the meal was being unreasonable. This is social exclusion, regardless of whether it happens in work time or not, which is a really common form of bullying.
I’m not detracting from her unreasonable behaviours but the way to combat inappropriate behaviour isn’t by more inappropriate behaviour.

I agree with this. The hurt of the exclusion doesn't just come from the organisers actions, it's the fact everyone else was complicit in it.

NotTerfNorCis · 31/01/2023 18:07

Excluding work colleagues from a work event can be mean. Depends on context. But you didn't arrange this event so if I were you I'd definitely say nothing.

Remagirl · 31/01/2023 18:10

If all colleagues were invited except her there could be repercussions. This event could be seen as an extension of the workplace and this lady although a pita could take the matter up with HR.

MeghanThyStallion · 31/01/2023 18:16

Normally I wouldn't stand for someone being excluded but it's not your 'do and she's a nasty bully. I don't blame you not making the effort to make sure she's invited.

Penguinsaregreat · 31/01/2023 18:23

Who organised the event ?
Is she the only one not invited?
I regularly meet up with with work colleagues. I tend to get on extremely well with a certain section of colleagues. We don’t invite everyone but then again it’s far less that 50%, less than 30% even of us who meet up.
I know for a fact other colleagues meet up and do things together. It doesn’t bother me in the slightest.

LakeTiticaca · 31/01/2023 18:48

Privately arranged social gatherings are nothing to do with work. You didn't organise it so it's not yoir problem. Why would you be worried about someone who clearly doesn't like you and bullies you. Record her when she starts on you and get the cowbag reported

Vaselining · 31/01/2023 18:52

Stop simping.

Original poster
itswednesdayy · 31/01/2023 18:58

Chattycatty · 31/01/2023 17:52

You haven't organised it so how could you have left her out. Don't worry about it and have a good time.

Because her issue is with me, so if she finds out about it, she will probably assume I was behind her not being invited. Also I feel like I need to tread carefully as I deputise for my manager so I would temporarily line-manage this colleague in manager’s absence.

OP posts:
Original poster
itswednesdayy · 31/01/2023 19:04

devildeepbluesea · 31/01/2023 18:01

Actually I think whoever organised the meal was being unreasonable. This is social exclusion, regardless of whether it happens in work time or not, which is a really common form of bullying.
I’m not detracting from her unreasonable behaviours but the way to combat inappropriate behaviour isn’t by more inappropriate behaviour.

Yeah, when I posted, I wondered whether it could be perceived like this?

I didn’t organise the event and it’s not a proper work do. It’s just casual - several of us will go golf and dinner/drinks, maybe 10% of the office. Our office is large - different teams/departments etc so there’s many casual lunches or after work drinks etc outings that not everyone goes to.

OP posts:
Original poster
itswednesdayy · 31/01/2023 19:05

Vaselining · 31/01/2023 18:52

Stop simping.

do you even know what a simp is? I’m clearly trying to avoid her

OP posts:
Manorbier · 31/01/2023 19:05

In my old workplace I wasn't invited to my colleague's wedding and a few of the other invited colleagues possibly displayed their invitation openly on their desks - to make a point? He also excluded me from some pre wedding drinks after work. I initially felt bad bit then thought - hang on, realistically I wouldn't have gone anyway and I'd been to no social events with that workplace ever in the 3 years I'd been there ! The groom/wedding guy didn't like my and low level bullied me at the time but truth is he knew if he invited me I wouldn't go anyway. So I don't think you've done anything wrong OP and it's horrible to be on the receiving end of this - my sympathies!

Natty13 · 31/01/2023 19:07

Why are you tolerating this? I'd be asking her to behave more professionally. Loudly criticising someone is not a professional way to behave and I wouldn't be standing for it. Never mind your bloody lunch 🙄

DuplicateUserName · 31/01/2023 19:11

How do you know she hasn't been invited?

roarfeckingroarr · 31/01/2023 19:13

Not your problem.

I have a newish colleague who is an HR case waiting to happen. Incredibly sensitive, obsessed with D&I things (and wrong on them, this is my area), generally feels a bit dangerous to be around. There's a reason she isn't invited out for drinks when others go.