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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite this colleague out?

62 replies

itswednesdayy · 31/01/2023 17:49

I posted about a colleague before that has an issue with me.

She loudly criticises me in the office - accusing me of not doing my job properly in front of colleagues/service users; reality was I followed proper procedures which she didn’t bother to check. I’ve been in the job longer and have experience with managing complex issues and trusted to deputise for my manager - but as she’s older than me, she assumes she just knows better than my experience. Her assumptions are to the detriment of the service users she’s assisting too so there’s follow up complaints etc.

She’s short with me and difficult to work with; but she’s cheery with others so I’m singled out. I feel she’s made it clear she doesn’t like me.

This week, colleagues arranged a dinner out and she wasn’t invited. Aibu/have I done anything wrong here? I’m conscious of coming across like I’m leaving her out - however I haven’t told anyone what she’s been doing to me nor not to invite her so I haven’t purposely excluded her.

OP posts:
Original poster
itswednesdayy · 31/01/2023 19:13

billy1966 · 31/01/2023 18:02

Not your job to include her.

Have you reported her for her behaviour?

If not, why not?

Sort of. I haven’t formally reported her. My manager spoke to her and the service user complained about the misinformation she gave. She was told that her behaviour wasn’t appropriate and was shown the guidance etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
itswednesdayy · 31/01/2023 19:16

Thank you all for the replies x

OP posts:
Ludo19 · 31/01/2023 19:20

I wouldn't feel guilty and if she tries to blame you then put her right.

It's bad enough spending time in work with colleagues that are arseholes, fuck socialising with them!

Justalittlebitduckling · 31/01/2023 19:24

Yes, this.

Madamecastafiore · 31/01/2023 19:30

Shit happens to nasty people OP, if she wants to be invited on things in the future she needs to be a bit nicer. If she kicks off I'd just tell her it's a friend thing and she's your colleague not your friend.

Qwerty111 · 31/01/2023 19:50

Bullying by exclusion would be what she might claim if she gets wind of the outing. Sounds like you are interested in entering management? If so it’s something you not only have to avoid, you also have to avoid the appearance of it. You can’t predict how your company would interpret a claim by her.

Think quite hard about the breakdown of who is invited vs who isn’t.

Are other people of her age invited? Age is a protected characteristic for bullying.

Where do you physically sit? You say it’s a small fraction of a large office but say if you sit at a group of 8 desks joined together and 7 are invited and 1 isn’t that would look bad to the investigator.

Does everyone in the large office work in one team or do you have sub-teams? Again, if your sub team is 10 and 9 invited, that would look bad. But if the invited people are from several different sub teams then you should be okay

Verytired123 · 31/01/2023 19:56

Sounds like it’s a smaller group of you from your office so no, I wouldn’t think of this as exclusion. Sounds she’s simply not liked and that’s her fault.

I wouldn’t think on it and if she asks why she wasn’t invited, just say you’re not sure and don’t give her the time of day.

Original poster
itswednesdayy · 31/01/2023 20:10

@Qwerty111 she’s around 30 I think. The people going are a mix of younger and older ages, some are same gender/ethnicity as her.

Her & I sit nearby; the others going are from different teams and sit in completely different areas. No one else in our team are going. Maybe to cover my back, I could post in our team chat and make it an open invitation? Then cross my fingers and hope she can’t go…especially if I post on the day of

OP posts:
Krakenes · 31/01/2023 20:18

Depends how you’d feel in her position. If you’d be ok with it, then I don’t think you’re being unreasonable.

Qwerty111 · 31/01/2023 20:30

That sounds like a good plan.

FWIW I think you’d be fine anyway given everything you say about the setup and the invitees. But better to be the person being visibly inclusive.

I’m not HR or an expert but have past experience of a claim. We retrieved a sign-up sheet from the disgusting outside bins AND provided photos of when it was on display in the staffroom to prove we weren’t excluding. It was lucky we were able to get the evidence because HR weren’t convinced even then!

chupachump · 31/01/2023 20:36

If it's not a team event and you aren't organizing it then I really don't see why you need to invite her.

If more than maybe 40% of your team were found I think it would be different but they aren't.

I really don't like people being left out but I don't see this being the case here.

Teatime55 · 31/01/2023 20:38

I used to work in a small office. We were close and all the women used socialise (2 old guys who didn’t). 4 of us used to do lots together and then 2 other women came when they could.
There was another female member of staff who was miserable and critical of everyone all the time (I recognise this is because she was lonely as well) and we generally did not invite her.
Except we did, twice, and she was the same as she was in the office. Never again.
I think as long as you aren’t planning/talking about these things in office time, it’s not a problem.

soboredtonight · 31/01/2023 20:47

Would she invite you op and make an effort to include you?

Original poster
itswednesdayy · 31/01/2023 20:58

soboredtonight · 31/01/2023 20:47

Would she invite you op and make an effort to include you?

Definitely not.

BUT if she was invited, I think she’d go. She’s pally with the others but they didn’t ask her to go - without any input from me. I haven’t spoken about her antics to them as I’m not here for drama.

The issue for me is she might assume I’m behind her lack of invite but it really wasn’t the case.

OP posts:
PerilousErection · 31/01/2023 21:00

If no one else has thought of inviting her, and/or no one else has bothered to invite her - well I won't be surprised if you are the only one she has an issue with.

BadNomad · 31/01/2023 21:06

If no one else on your team is going then why is this even an issue? You have been invited to a dinner by other people. It has nothing to do with you who goes. You do not have the right to make it an open invitation. Stay out of it.

Celinia · 31/01/2023 21:15

It’s a small, informal get together organised by someone else. If she takes issue with you about feeling excluded you can point her in the direction of the person who organised it. If that doesn’t calm her down and she’s still angry with you, it’ll be another one to add to the list of unreasonable behaviours towards you.

60smusic · 31/01/2023 21:15

I think I'd check with the person who organised the meal if it's OK to invite her. Maybe they don't want her there.

SuperHandss · 31/01/2023 21:26

It all sounds so juvenile.

If I was in this situation it would take her aside and ask how we could work better together. Take the emotion out. Act like work colleagues, not mates.

Original poster
itswednesdayy · 31/01/2023 21:38

@SuperHandss how would you go about that conversation? It’s an interesting approach, but feels like pandering to her considering her one-sided behaviour. I haven’t behaved in the same manner nor retaliated, so I’m unsure what I can do differently help us work together. I’d essentially be asking what her problem is with me.

OP posts:
Spectre8 · 31/01/2023 21:50

Why are you wadtijg so much energy on this. You didn't organise it, it not on yoi to invite people its on the orga miser. Maybe she wasn't invited for a reason by the organiser and then if u do an open invite and she comes that wouldn't be fair to the orga jsee.

So leave it be and stop wasting your time worrying over it. If she finds out its a simple, I didnt organise it but if I had I would of invited the whole team

End of

BurntOutGirl · 31/01/2023 21:55

itswednesdayy · 31/01/2023 20:10

@Qwerty111 she’s around 30 I think. The people going are a mix of younger and older ages, some are same gender/ethnicity as her.

Her & I sit nearby; the others going are from different teams and sit in completely different areas. No one else in our team are going. Maybe to cover my back, I could post in our team chat and make it an open invitation? Then cross my fingers and hope she can’t go…especially if I post on the day of

As you didn't organise it, it isn't your place to invite others

Cosyblankets · 31/01/2023 21:59

Is not an official work thing
She is unpleasant
There are others not going
Why would you ask her?

BurntOutGirl · 31/01/2023 22:00

Having read the rest of your posts, l feel you are over thinking the situation and making it more of an issue then it needs to be.

The crux is.... she hasn't been asked.... just like the majority of the team... therefore there is no singling out.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 31/01/2023 22:07

Just leave it. You didn't organise it. It's not a team event. It's a non issue. Just go and enjoy it.